Hie again... Now I talked to my BF. The plan was to break it easy and gently. When we got on Skype it was late and I had been crying in the shower. I felt so bad because I realized more and more the two things main bothering me; that I still have grief and anger over my ex (during the break-up I felt very cold, maybe the feelings are starting to come) and that I fear that I will loose my BF. The question might have been a trigger, but the grief and the fear was there in me to begin with
. I felt so vunerable from realizing this, and wondered if he would be able to care for me when I was not his "fun" girlfriend.
My boyfriend noticed right away that something was wrong, because I was very quiet and not smiling (I always greet him with a smile). When I brought up the question from the day before, he was surprised that I was still thinking about it. I definetely don't think me meant to suggest that anything was wrong with me sexually, that was just my past talking. I made it clear to him that he had not been wrong asking me the question. I explained that I had had a reaction to it, having to do with my ex and also my fear for losing him. He said that I should never be afraid to loose him. When we started talking further, I understood that what he had meant to say was that he was searching for something special in our joint past, what
is was that made me stand out from the people he slept with or was dating; why I chose him and why he felt he was choosing me... What I told him was simply that I care for him. He then said it was something in my eyes; that the way I looked into his eyes was something he had not experienced before, and that I also I know/see/get him. I felt very moved by this.
We ended up remembering past times, and I felt really close to him. He is still a little offended when I am sad, he quickly feels that I "break his heart" (yes, he is a little drama queen too!) if I critisize him the slightest or if the mood is bad. But I take it as that he -wisely- does not want us to quarrel over petty things and that he cares as to want me to FEEL happy (and not just show a happy face to please him). I felt warm from all his compliments and big words I have been dying to hear
Right now I don't mind that there is no sex, I feel I must heal a bit on my own from my ex-hang-ups. Anyway he is closing up things with his relatives so he is really busy,maybe when he goes back to where he lives I can bring up the subject of sex and flirting if it still seems to be a problem
Anyway I am so glad for all your helpful comments here!