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  #21  
Old 11-17-2013, 01:45 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Hie again... Now I talked to my BF. The plan was to break it easy and gently. When we got on Skype it was late and I had been crying in the shower. I felt so bad because I realized more and more the two things main bothering me; that I still have grief and anger over my ex (during the break-up I felt very cold, maybe the feelings are starting to come) and that I fear that I will loose my BF. The question might have been a trigger, but the grief and the fear was there in me to begin with . I felt so vunerable from realizing this, and wondered if he would be able to care for me when I was not his "fun" girlfriend.

My boyfriend noticed right away that something was wrong, because I was very quiet and not smiling (I always greet him with a smile). When I brought up the question from the day before, he was surprised that I was still thinking about it. I definetely don't think me meant to suggest that anything was wrong with me sexually, that was just my past talking. I made it clear to him that he had not been wrong asking me the question. I explained that I had had a reaction to it, having to do with my ex and also my fear for losing him. He said that I should never be afraid to loose him. When we started talking further, I understood that what he had meant to say was that he was searching for something special in our joint past, what is was that made me stand out from the people he slept with or was dating; why I chose him and why he felt he was choosing me... What I told him was simply that I care for him. He then said it was something in my eyes; that the way I looked into his eyes was something he had not experienced before, and that I also I know/see/get him. I felt very moved by this.

We ended up remembering past times, and I felt really close to him. He is still a little offended when I am sad, he quickly feels that I "break his heart" (yes, he is a little drama queen too!) if I critisize him the slightest or if the mood is bad. But I take it as that he -wisely- does not want us to quarrel over petty things and that he cares as to want me to FEEL happy (and not just show a happy face to please him). I felt warm from all his compliments and big words I have been dying to hear Right now I don't mind that there is no sex, I feel I must heal a bit on my own from my ex-hang-ups. Anyway he is closing up things with his relatives so he is really busy,maybe when he goes back to where he lives I can bring up the subject of sex and flirting if it still seems to be a problem .

Anyway I am so glad for all your helpful comments here!
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  #22  
Old 11-17-2013, 05:18 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
Don't take it personally, since you know why he's asking. It's reasonable for him to wonder, I think. Don't turn his insecurity into yours, that's kind of selfish.

Edit: I wanted to clarify, it sounds like you're insulted that he is scared and insecure.
I suspect she is insulted that he could think so little of her character.
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  #23  
Old 11-17-2013, 08:15 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I suspect she is insulted that he could think so little of her character.
Yes, that is what I meant. Especially since we have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met, I would deceitful if I talked to him like that and really wanted him purely for sex.
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  #24  
Old 11-18-2013, 04:15 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
Yes, that is what I meant. Especially since we have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met, I would deceitful if I talked to him like that and really wanted him purely for sex.
I think you've missed my point several times over now.

Maybe I can put it this way.

Imagine him writing on this board.

We have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met. How could she have such a low opinion of me that I think she is being deceitful?

I mean, seriously, why do you have such a low opinion of him? I thought you loved each other?
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  #25  
Old 11-18-2013, 10:57 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
I think you've missed my point several times over now.

Maybe I can put it this way.

Imagine him writing on this board.

We have talked many times of how smitten we are with each other, that we love each other and feel blessed to have met. How could she have such a low opinion of me that I think she is being deceitful?

I mean, seriously, why do you have such a low opinion of him? I thought you loved each other?
I was qouting bookbug, NOT you - and I generally don't have a low opinion of him, I think he is a wonderful man. I reacted to his direct question because I got offended and felt hurt and helpless, so that I did not see that he was mostly fishing and testing waters, not pointing fingers at me. He - like my husband - is a guy to talks out loud in order to know what he is thinking, not like me who think it all through in my head first and only then speaks. Therefore I have to talk with him several times about the same subject to understand what he really means, but in the heat of the moment I sometimes forget that. I think actually it was a good thing that I got so hurt by it, because he worried and comforted me when I needed it. And now I know he did not try to offend me. Two good things.

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-18-2013 at 11:05 PM.
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  #26  
Old 11-18-2013, 11:20 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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I'm glad it worked out.
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  #27  
Old 11-18-2013, 11:31 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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I'm glad it worked out.
Thank you
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  #28  
Old 11-19-2013, 01:05 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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I think this whole thing made me realize I was holding back a bit sexually-wise, not knowing how to go from oh-so-spontanious-first-lovers to more mature/settled sexual couple and feeling a bit vunerable. But hey, now we have talked about politics, religion, his dead dad - and our sexlife. I hardly think there is any uncovered subject
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  #29  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:20 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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There's always anthropomorphic global climate change!
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  #30  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:23 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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There's always anthropomorphic global climate change!
true. We have not covered that (and children, and if we are going to close the distance).

Apparently, we too have not covered all of his doubt and ambivalence. Come what may
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