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  #11  
Old 12-06-2013, 02:29 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Omg

Dear London,

You always crack me up! I don't even know that much about clamidia! I put my mouth on him for a second! HELP! Off to the doctor!

Thank you!
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  #12  
Old 12-06-2013, 10:10 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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My disability is cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy usually comes at birth or soon after. It is some kind head trauma. It manifests itself in many ways, but the movement and voice are somewhat recognizable. In the dating realm has been (actually) the least place Iíve had a problem with prejudice. Itís not that people arenít turned off or prejudice, itís that they usually just move on. There has been a lot to cope with in other realms:

There is the time (more that one) that someone calls for a job interview. I call them back. The minute they hear my voice, they pretend there is no interview. There was the time when I asked some pre-teens not to use curse words around my three-year old in the park. Their reaction? To circle me with their bikes calling Ďretard,í ďretard.Ē There is the time that some dudes with a listserv found a blog post about me writing about the work retard. They did an entire thing on their list-serv about me. Put up a picture of me, and ripped into me. THEN, they emailed me both at work and home to make sure I looked at it. That was actually cyber-bullying, but the police couldnít do anything.

This has been a great week, despite the fact of the date gone wrong. I havenít missed N too much and I am wondering if healing is beginning to take place.

I am still trying to figure out what I want. I like being sexualized, but there are limits to that.
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  #13  
Old 12-08-2013, 11:52 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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You are annoyed. You are annoyed because your husband's girlfriend asked to change their date night so she could go to a party. Either way. You have bought a new sweater and skirt and decide to go to the local bar, although you know most people there, and it is not really the place to meet someone. But, tonight is super fun. The artists are there. R is there. You have such a crush on him and he has such a crush on you, but he is 20 years younger. He is there with his girlfriend. Right away, he starts in asking you questions about feminism and photography and grammar. He grabs your arm every chance he gets. He touches your shoulder. His leg brushes yours. You are annoyed because his girlfriend is right there and it puts you in the position of being the grown up and making sure he's attentive enough to her and not too attentive to you. But the other 1/2 of you wants to drag him in the bathroom. The artists have been there for awhile. They are all very drunk. You are not drunk. You go outside to share a cigarette with R. His girlfriend and friend come too. You don't smoke, but you know they all do, and you want to to. It is raining, so everyone is huddled under the awning.

There is another girl there. A girl from the neighborhood. She has a hat on. You do not know her. She starts going on and on about how she's seen you around and she is so happy to meet you. You are confused. At first, you think she's hitting on you. R is involved in this conversation too. Then, she begins talking to R about you in the third person as you are standing there. She tells R "I'm so happy to meet her. I have a --- who is autistic. Is she your sister? Are you her brother?" Then you realize (as people often do) she thinks you're mentally handicapped. She has formed this version of you in her mind of Gosh knows? A person so brave who goes to the bar with her brother? it doesn't matter that you have 2 Masters Degrees and taught college. She probably hasn't been to college or taught anything. R looks embarrassed and puzzled. Finally, you say "I'm his mother." You meant to say, "I'm his mentor." Which is true, even though you only see each other every six months. You go inside. You sit down. It's boring. You go back outside. She is gone. You tell R, that woman made me upset. He says, 'I know." You say "Do you know why?" He says "Yes." You say "See!" The previous conversation had been about minority groups being categorized in the arts. R doesn't believe that groups (such as feminists) should have exclusive shows. You try to explain to him why this is complicated, but the bar is too loud. At least, R realizes that disabled people are a minority group. He's already ahead of the game.

You spend the rest of the night talking to P about Yoga & how he loves yoga. You talk about your favorite positions, and it feels funny to say "favorite position" to a 27 year old boy. You want to buy him a yoga pass because he is poor and you are kind of poor too, but not that poor. Sometimes you are impatient. Sometimes you are a bitch. But you get sick of people talking about you in the third person in front of you. You wonder if that happens to other people.

You are going through menopause. You masterbated twice yesterday. You, then, dreamed about sex all night. You have your share of suitors, but no one real yet. You actually have very little sex for someone with a lot of suitors. You have had intercourse twice this year. Once with a 20 year old who you did not love and once with a 55 year old who you kind of loved because he was magical and liked to feed squirrels. You kind of want to fuck your husband, but not really. And it seems so easy to get along better when you don't. You love someone, you actually do love someone, but they lied to you, big time. So you pass through days without speaking to them. One day you will speak to them. One day, you will have a lot of lovers. It's primarily you. you are too picky and too nervous and lately, when you go out, you just compare the guy to the person you love...but that is fading.
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  #14  
Old 12-09-2013, 12:07 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Unfortunately, you won't love him forever because no emotional is forever. All the people you have grieved. That grief did not last forever.

So, you have found your sexuality. Sometimes you feel insecure. Sometimes when guys on the internet loose interest, you think maybe I need big hair or painted nails, or a perfumed body. Maybe guys don't really like tomboys who read all day. Well, you're not really a tomboy, more like a pixie. Today, you go into the lingerie shop. You have sexy underwear, but no real lingerie. You, generally, do not wear bras. You think bras are uncomfortable and you think it's sexy to show your breasts. In the lineage shop the underwear are all $40. They are largely made of silk. You think, how can women wear these? What if they have their period?

Then, you realize, o! these are pretty clothes for sex. And women spend a lot of money on clothes for sex. you really really want some. But you can't justify the money. You will go out for fancy drinks for $40 or buy $100 worth of books easily, but for panties? You just don'r know. You are weird about money. Everyone is weird about money. You also don't have a lover. You have a married guy you've never met who emails you everyday. You have a guy who suddenly wants to drop in a for a booty call, but only has done so once. You have a saint boyfriend who never answers your emails because he's he wants someone mono. You have tons of boys who are under thirty who would be happy to play. You have the person you love. The one you can not and will not speak to although you will some day. You have your closest straight male friend who you can tell secrets to and discuss fishing. None of these are a lover. So, you can't justiffy the 40$.
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  #15  
Old 12-10-2013, 06:33 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default This is a very intense blog about prejudice.

I do not want to alienate anyone: please forgive me if you are on this "list." I want to talk openly about prejudice and judgement. I am considering writing an article about my son. My son is a person who I believe actually has been raised without prejudice. This made me begin to consider who I had been prejudiced against/who I had judged. I made a list of people I had judged (groups) and a list of people I had not judged( that often others do).

Judged: Deaf folks,the wealthy, women, feminists, people in the military, black teenagers, hipsters, young people (in their twenties), hipsters, people with severe physical disabilities, very fat people, badly dressed women. Women who wear thongs under transparent skirts, Christians other than Catholoics, Muslims (only right after 9/11, widely published bad writers, people who don't read books, hard core-yogis, disabled people who act like their life is a tragedy, people who belong to the NRA, people who go to or host sex parties, and hard-core pro-choice activists.

People I do not judge that other people do or might: liberals, catholics, hispanics, Indians, gay men, men (mostly), poor people, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, atheists, transgender people, elderly people, middle age -people, women who who have gone through menopause, people with Downs, Aspergers, CP, MS, blind or autism, Jews, non-Americans.

Why do I judge? Where does anyone's prejudice come from. I think it comes from a number of places. We are taught prejudice by our families, friends, and even schools. We also, at times, have limited experience with different groups. This is why I have argued it is crucial to be "out." Mostly, for me, it comes from being so heavily judged and reacting to that judgement. I've met a few trans people, none of them has ever reacted to my disability. Actually, I've never heard a transperson be prejudice at all.

When I taught inner city black kids, I was always surprised how prejudice they were! they hated Jews. They hated Arabs. They hated this and that. I was like: yo dude~! You'rE BLACK! But being marginalized doesn't automatically create empathy for other people. If anything, it makes you madder.

Overcoming prejudice takes a lot of work. I wonder what it would be like if I woke up one day and no one stared at me on the street or called me retard on the subway. I wonder what it would feel like if I wrote "I'm fine and happy with my disability" and people said OK. Or what do you mean? Instead of "You're trying to speak for all disabled." "You're an insult to disabled people and humanity." "She's not worth your wasted breath." I wonder what that would look like.
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  #16  
Old 12-10-2013, 08:24 PM
Azzy Azzy is offline
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This thread is one of the best things I've read all year. I feel like I'm about to cry just from reading it. Maybe it's because I have multiple disabilities as well, but mine are all usually invisible to anyone but trained medical professionals, so your blog captures my secret feelings.

Hell, I work as a professional writer and editor and this is better than most of the work I've seen in my short career.

When is your novel coming out? Or biography?

If you hit me up with a message, I'll give you a downright stupid discount on professional proofreading or editing services.

Please never stop blogging.
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  #17  
Old 12-11-2013, 09:42 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default What if you can't be poly?

Today, I am thinking about this: any advice would be great. I have a platonic guy friend who I care deeply about. He had a couple of affairs. Married, long-term, raising children together. He loves his wife, but they have little sexual connection. It is very brave to me that my friend came out and asked her to be poly. She said resoundly NO. I don't know all the details but that is the crux of it. I feel terrible for him.

When I think philosophically about monogamy, poly, marriage, and divorce, these questions come up for me again and again. I feel like I am one of the very lucky ones. My husband didn't particularly wanted to be monogamous. He is still really in love with me and at times, it's a struggle for him. However, our open relationship has brought a second love into his life, a hell of a lot more sex, kinkiness and overall self knowledge. For me it has brought freedom and the ability to explore my sexuality in a safe space; meaning I always have a base to go back to.

But what about my dear friend. Now, his options appear to be cheat, crappy sex life, or divorce. None of these seems a solution. He has cheated in the past and now to him it seems even worse to cheat. I'm only thinking of this from a philosophical level because I've heard people be so quick to judge cheaters or poly folks or whatever. It seems people judge divorce the least of these, I don't know.

I just heard on a movie "If you want to be monogamous, marry a swan."

It is cold and I am going off to visit my trans friends at a poetry reading. I am leaving my 11 year old son home for the first time alone (while I'm out of the neighborhood) and I'm a luddite, so no cell phone for me. I like how, when I go into the city, I can see and notice and think without so-called text messaging. However, this does make me worry about my son.

Last night was a series of beautiful surprises. A suitor got over here and he did wonderful things with his fingers. He was really, except the old crow!, the last boy I touched and that was 2 months ago. Before that hadn't had sex since June. A little goes a long way and some sex come february would be just about right. It's not that I have a low sex-drive, in fact the opposite, I am starting to think I have too much progestagin because of menopause. But, since I don't have a regular fling and it's A LOT of work to set up (and anxiety) once in awhile is fine (unless I meet someone).
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  #18  
Old 12-12-2013, 12:29 AM
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Oldpolyman Oldpolyman is offline
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Default Sounds like my wives before I married them

What an awesome thread!
When my 1st wife and I married, I knew that she was blind, but that never mattered any to me, I've learned to look past the disability and see the real person. When she brought her best friend into our family, I loved her too regardless of her mental issues, and when she brought a friend into our family, I loved her too. Later on after Wife L and Wife H had passed on, Wife M brought J into our family, and I love her too (she has cp). We not long ago exchanged vows and rings, I wear 2 rings as my promise to love, cherish, and care for my two wives.
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I try to love my wives this way, unconditionally! Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. Eph. 5:25
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  #19  
Old 12-12-2013, 07:59 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Thank you

Thank you OldPolyMan. I would love to hear more about your friend with CP. How does it manifest itself? Has she had many problems in terms of prejudice (getting a job and so on). Does she have a speech impediment?
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  #20  
Old 12-12-2013, 10:08 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default It's cold

My last post was a little confusing. Lots of typos! I am trying to do too much at once. This entire week has been pretty calm. I am going to see my husband's girlfriend on Saturday, but things have calmed down a lot. I asked him if we could limit discussing her for awhile. I have felt too immensed in their stuff and just want to step away. Last week, having her change the day of their night together (both of them asked at the last minute!) brought up more feelings of having to cope and negotiate. These feelings exhaust me. She wanted to chance the day so that she could go to a sex party. I tried not to judge, but I did (in my head, not to her or husband). I thought, why would you want to go to a sex party rather than spend the night with the person you are "in love with?" She has her ways. I have mine. A week without dwelling on it has been liberating.

I spent quite amount of time on a thread here explaining why sex parties - and those involved with them - cross my boundaries. Last week in meditation. my teacher said that you don't have to explain boundaries. You should not explain them. He said, the minute you get into "explaining why" you are making an excuse. As a human, you have every right to make a boundary. You don't need any excuse. And the "excuse" doesn't work anyway.

I had "sex" the other day! Did I write that the other day?

I am back in touch with my married friend. I feel ok about it. I don't feel guilty because (at this point) there is nothing sexual between us. He needs some help emotionally and I am trying to be there for him This time, my boundaries feel much stronger. I'm not compelled to speak to him all the time, everyday, once a week or less is fine. I'm not compelled to push him on things he doesn't want to discuss. I'm not compelled to flirt.

I've been having 'fun" on the internet, but when I reach into myself, I'm not ready even to deeply fall in love again. I don't know if I ever will be LOL! What was funny was that after my friend came over and we fucked, I felt different than I ever had. I was like oK, bye! And I went to the bar to visit with friends. I didn't worry that we would never see each other again. I didn't worry what he thought of me. I didn't feel empty or lonely.
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