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  #21  
Old 02-28-2014, 05:15 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Is it possible that she's just not interested in sex with women? Sex, love, and intimacy are not always hand-in-hand. It's possible for people to be "bi-amorous" if you will, i.e. able to fall in romantic love with both genders, but not "bisexual," i.e. turned on and interested in sex with both genders.

That also doesn't mean she's "afraid" of lesbian sex. That comes across as judgemental, to me at least.

Auto and I have a non-sexual relationship. We both prefer intimate, romantic, non-sexual relationships with women. We kiss and cuddle, we love each other romantically, but neither of us has a high sex drive to begin with and we're content with our relationship the way it is. I'm gray-asexual anyway, so even with Gralson my sex life is intermittent. I just form different kinds of connections with people.

Gralson and I waited a few months before having sex, specifically because we wanted to build a strong emotional foundation without it being clouded by lust. There have been points in our relationship where I felt pressure from society to have sex more often because we were "doing it wrong" but then I woke up and realized that's bullshit, that whatever works for us is perfectly fine and doesn't mean our relationship is in trouble.

That being said, your question makes it clear that this doesn't work for you. Sometimes it just takes a shift in your expectations, like when I realized that "having sex every week even though I don't really care one way or another" was an unreasonable expectation for our relationship. When I changed my expectation, that conflict dissolved overnight. But if you're a very sexual person and having regular sex is a need you have within relationships, then it's important to get to the bottom of it.

You could ask: "What would a solid foundation look like to you? What can I do to help build that foundation?"

You can also set your own boundaries. It's perfectly acceptable to say something like "I need sex in my relationships. I can only go so long before I begin to feel like my own needs are not going to be met. If we can't build this strong foundation within (x) weeks/months, I don't see us having a lasting relationship." Sometimes people need a little bit of impetus to get out of a rut. Just be careful not to turn that into pressuring her to do something she isn't ready for. It's more like, expressing your own limitations.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-28-2014 at 05:28 AM.
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  #22  
Old 02-28-2014, 11:07 AM
ate2007 ate2007 is offline
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Originally Posted by juber View Post
I'm new here and thought I was coming here for advice but I keep wanting to comment so I hope that's okay.

I'm not a woman but from my perspective I think the general consensus is "More communication." You need to help her come to an understanding of what her comfort level is now and where it needs to be. Be honest about the fact that you are very excited to be physical but if you need to build a foundation first, take heavy petting off the table. Occasional passionate kisses, holding hands, and many other ways of being physically close do not involve touching each others naughty bits.

Also, no matter how tempting it is to go ahead and make out for fun (and in the hopes maybe this time it will go further), I would say keep building other aspects of the relationship and building non-physical intimacy.

Talk about future and each others dreams. Talk about each others past troubles and find ways to comfort each other. In my experience that type of intimacy building leads to sex in a close relationship.
Juber, thank you for commenting....I totally agree with your comments and plan on talking with her asap to sort this all out. I know my post sounds a bit callous but I do care for her a great deal. I'm willing to work with her for a win-win situation.

Last edited by ate2007; 02-28-2014 at 11:12 AM.
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  #23  
Old 02-28-2014, 11:55 AM
juber juber is offline
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Glad that I made sense and you found the comment useful.
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  #24  
Old 02-28-2014, 02:28 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Originally Posted by ate2007 View Post
So how long do you wait for sex in a new relationship?
Depending on what rates as "sex"... forever seems about right to me. Not that there's any actual waiting involved, more like a recognition that some things (in my case, the overwhelming amount of things people might call "sex") simply aren't ever going to happen, period. Approaching the six year mark with R. now, with no sex on the horizon.


In other words: sex happens if and when every involved wants to, otherwise it doesn't. I don't understand why folks impose an arbitrary time and/or number of dates rule on it... way too much individual difference in homo sapiens for such a rule to have any useful meaning, IMO.
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  #25  
Old 02-28-2014, 02:37 PM
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Is she having sex with anyone else? Your husband? It sounds like she is being very cautious and just doesn't want the relationship to be focused on sex, or it might be that she's new to sex with a woman and isn't confident or sure enough how to proceed. I think talking about it would be good for both of you.
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  #26  
Old 02-28-2014, 03:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Some women kind of freak out when they fall for another woman and feel sexual towards that gender for the first time. It might help to read the blog of our member pulliman here. His wife and gf fell for each other and are having a heck of a time dealing with feeling "lesbianic."

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=55182
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  #27  
Old 03-01-2014, 12:47 PM
ate2007 ate2007 is offline
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Thanks everyone for responding. You guys have helped alot. Today's the day I talk to her - I'll keep ya'll posted.
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  #28  
Old 03-01-2014, 12:48 PM
ate2007 ate2007 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Is she having sex with anyone else? Your husband? It sounds like she is being very cautious and just doesn't want the relationship to be focused on sex, or it might be that she's new to sex with a woman and isn't confident or sure enough how to proceed. I think talking about it would be good for both of you.
No she is not and especially not with my hubby - since he's not here in the states at the moment.
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  #29  
Old 03-01-2014, 02:55 PM
london london is offline
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Setting a rule for the maximum time you're prepared to shelf sex is a way of making sure you don't hang around in an unfulfilling relationship. Someone who is waiting is different to an asexual person.
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  #30  
Old 03-01-2014, 03:14 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Setting a rule for the maximum time you're prepared to shelf sex is a way of making sure you don't hang around in an unfulfilling relationship. Someone who is waiting is different to an asexual person.
Makes sense. *nod*

Ironically enough, that suddenly puts me in the "why wait at all?" camp, then...
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