Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 04-28-2014, 04:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

You can be both
you can be one
or the other

Its all non-monogamy.

Then there are the zealots on either side who believe you can't be both. Its all about love, and all about fucking.. I can't relate to this side since it is far to black and white and doesn't apply to me at all.

Poly for me is simply loving more than one. Swingers can in fact love more than one. And sometimes do..

I find it an extremely simple set of definitions.. and I don't find them exclusive of each other

I kind of fit into the "I can be both".. I haven't "practiced" any form of swinging in a few years.. but it definitely doesn't mean it won't happen.

Last edited by Ariakas; 04-28-2014 at 04:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-28-2014, 04:31 PM
Jens1968 Jens1968 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 5
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
It only bother me in the way that swingers claiming to be poly gives people a negative view of what polyamory is. I find myself consistently explaining the difference. Even sam was very hesitant for a couple years because he thought I was just some swinger looking to get laid when he wanted a girlfriend.
Exactly, this is what I am talking about. This is what worries me about coming out as a polyamorous person. A lot of people think that it equals swinging...

Guess I will have to grow some hairs on my chest, and just not care
__________________
Creator of http://www.polyamorynetwork.com
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-28-2014, 04:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jens1968 View Post
Exactly, this is what I am talking about. This is what worries me about coming out as a polyamorous person. A lot of people think that it equals swinging...

Guess I will have to grow some hairs on my chest, and just not care
The other option is to clearly define to them what it means to you. Change how it is perceived into loving more than one, is more important than fucking more than one
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-28-2014, 04:43 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo
It only bother me in the way that swingers claiming to be poly gives people a negative view of what polyamory is. I find myself consistently explaining the difference. Even sam was very hesitant for a couple years because he thought I was just some swinger looking to get laid when he wanted a girlfriend.
Why would anyone view a swinger negatively? Oh, right, because they have sex outside of the purity of a loving relationship.

It seems that changing one's attitude about sex, especially the sex other people have, would stop any negative judgement. Then, nobody would looked down upon for their consensual relationship style.

What is so bad about swinging that it "worries" you to be mistaken for a swinger? What is so bad about having casual, Nsa sex?

I'm a mixed race (black Caribbean and white) and live in an area with many Turkish and Algerian people. People often assume that I'm from one of those countries or Muslim. Imagine if I said I'm "worried" about being thought of as one of them because it gives people a negative view of people who have the same ethnic background as me. That directly implies that being "one of them" is a bad thing.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-28-2014, 05:41 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,075
Default

Because im not a swinger. I Don't have casual sex. I don't want people making those assumptions about me. Why would I want someone thinking im something im NOT? If you like casual sex and have 30 lovers a year, fine. But why would I, someone who hadn't had another lover in over 2 years want to be lumped in with them?
__________________
The end
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-28-2014, 05:59 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Because im not a Turk or Algerian. I don't worship Allah. I don't want people making those assumptions about me. Why would I want someone thinking im something im NOT? If you are Algerian or Turkish and worship Allah, fine. But why would I, someone who isn't Algerian, Turkish or Muslim want to be lumped in with them?
"I don't know. Why would you? I certainly wouldn't," replied Donald Sterling.

Last edited by london; 04-28-2014 at 06:04 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-28-2014, 06:29 PM
ICanBeStunning's Avatar
ICanBeStunning ICanBeStunning is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NYC
Posts: 24
Default

So when I correct people and them that I'm Haitian and not Jamaican/African American I'm directly implying that being Jamaican/African American is a bad thing? I don't like being mistaken for Jamaican/African American, not in the least. I could marry a Jamaican/African American tomorrow and it wouldn't change that sentiment. Being proud of my heritage or lifestyle choices doesn't mean that I dislike or am intolerant of others heritage or lifestyle choice. Loving me doesn't mean that I hate you.

I'm dating an ex swinger. I don't really care if he continues to swing, but if he or anyone else are to identify our relationship as an extension of his swinging, I'd dislike it. I don't really feel that it's my job to educate people who don't really care to know the differences between swinging and polyamory though.
__________________
Bisexual woman in my 20s
Single and dating
Bear my on again bf of 3 years (6 year relationship)
SM his wife
I'm also dating Billy and have a play partner Prettyboy
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 04-28-2014, 07:03 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

You can correct someone without making judgemental statements. When someone mistakes me for being Turkish, Algerian or Muslim, I can correct them without feeling I've been negatively judged for their assumption. Being Turkish, Algerian or Muslim isn't a bad thing, I'm simply not any of those things. I don't feel I'm being "lumped in" with them because I don't view them as a negative demographic to begin with. Someone just saw me in an area with many of those folk, saw I have a similar complexion to those folk and probably even saw that I frequent the same places as those folk. They made a mistake. They didn't mistake me for a terrorist. I'd be angry at that because not all Algerians, Turks or Muslims are terrorists. Being a terrorist is a bad thing.

The equivalent would be if someone thought that because I'm a swinger (which would be a mistake), I'm a cheater. I wouldn't protest at being mislabelled as a swinger but I would protest at the implication that I (and all swingers) are cheaters.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 04-28-2014, 08:22 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,305
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jens1968 View Post
Exactly, this is what I am talking about. This is what worries me about coming out as a polyamorous person. A lot of people think that it equals swinging...

Guess I will have to grow some hairs on my chest, and just not care
Until very recently, poly had very little overt presence in common conversation or media/entertainment. There has been, however, a huge explosion of the swing lifestyle, movies, well known clubs (not any more), etc for quite some time in the US (since the late 60s I want to say). Polyamory has been around for a while but it takes public opinion an incredibly long time to change its view on tradition.

So, people do know what swinging is (more or less) and easily mistake anything outside of traditional monogamy as such. It's just the nature of how the unwashed masses think.

Either grow beyond having an opinion about peoples misconceptions about your worldview or offer accurate information when the opportunity presents itself. I personally don't care for being mistaken as a swinger and will let people know that they are in fact different from my own views/practices.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICanBeStunning View Post
So when I correct people and them that I'm Haitian and not Jamaican/African American I'm directly implying that being Jamaican/African American is a bad thing? I don't like being mistaken for Jamaican/African American, not in the least.
Looks like someone threw a red herring into the room. You are obviously correct, ICanBeStunning, identifying myself as having one worldview (or whatever) instead of another states my preference and clarifies my stance... it does not damn any different views.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 04-28-2014, 08:36 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,780
Default

What Marcus said.

The reality of the situation is that most people are poorly educated about what swing and poly are. (Plenty of people have never even heard of one or both of the two.) I don't know of any quick or easy way to fix that reality, therefore I accept explaining the difference between swing and poly as "doing my part" to help get people better educated. We can only do it a little at a time. Hopefully the process will pick up steam in a generation or two.

But I agree with london when she says that there's nothing wrong with being a swinger per se, and I wouldn't feel hurt, bothered, or offended if someone told me, "Oh, you're polyamorous; so, that means you go to swing clubs and stuff?" I'd probably just chuckle and say, "Naw, swing and poly are two different things -- two different kinds of non-monogamy. Swing is generally just about having casual sex, whereas polyamory is about having romantic, emotionally-committed relationships with multiple people." Sure it takes me a few mouthfuls to impart that information to my misinformed friend, but I don't mind since it's for a good cause and now there's one more person in the world who understands some of the terminology.

That's how I feel about it anyway.

And let's say I tell someone I'm polyamorous and they say, "Oh, another swinger. Aren't you ashamed that you cheat on your wife?" Well, then I guess I'd have to step backwards and say, "Whoah; swingers aren't necessarily cheaters; it depends on whether all the adults involved in the situation have full knowledge about it and consent to it." No point attempting the more advanced lesson of the finer points between what swing and poly are. The person I'm talking to, for now, just needs to process/digest the essence of responsible non-monogamy. We can talk about the specific types of non-monogamy later, if/when it comes up.

Still nothing for me to lose any sleep over. It's a primitive world, not nearly as enlightened as I hope it will be come Y3K. Ignorance and prejudice is something swingers and polyamorists alike have to confront and deal with. Sure it sucks but we might as well roll up our sleeves and get to work on it. If we don't do it, who will?

Again, nothing wrong with educating the public one person at a time. If I can have a conversation with someone, and they leave that conversation with a better understanding about non-monogamy than they had before they talked to me, then I've done a good deed and feel good about it. And if they decide they want to cling to their bigotry despite my attempts to enlighten them? I still give myself credit for having tried, and have faith that someone I talk to in the future will be more receptive.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
polyamorous, polyamory, sex, swingers

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:30 AM.