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  #1  
Old 06-08-2014, 05:55 AM
Crazer Crazer is offline
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Default Casual sex and the poly relationship

Hello all, I will properly introduce myself in due course, but for now I am afraid I must dive into the gory details of being a monogamous man in a poly relationship. I was a little unsure where to post this, since it deals with a specific relationship issue but involves some general theory. Please correct me if I have posted it in the wrong place.

I am dating a lovely poly girl, whom I adore. She is dating another man who she is very committed too, and has been dating for quite some time. She is, actually, quite committed to both of us at this point. My question, however, revolves around the less committed aspects of a poly relationship.

She does express an interest, inconsistently, in casual sex. I have said no, and will always say no, because I see no reason for her to go outside of the relationship for something she gets plenty of with her two current boyfriends. I told her this today, after she asked why I was not okay with her sleeping with other men. It disturbed me, though, that she even asked, since she has before said she was okay without casual sex and has even claimed to not have an interest in it. She's living on her own right now, so she might not get as much sex as normal, but her other boyfriend is right near by and she's only on her own until she returns to college at the end of the summer.

What I really want to know is why she would want to go outside of the relationship for sex. I get the feeling that this is something different from the poly part of her. She has had a lot of issues in the past, and I can't help but wonder if she feels some need to be wanted, or validated. I kind of even vaguely wonder if she's addicted to sex. It feels wrong to suspect those things, and I want to put those thoughts to rest, if I can. So what I really want to know from the community is how to deal with this. I can ask her myself why she wants casual sex but I may not get the answer I need. I want to know what the attitudes are of poly individuals towards casual sex. Would you go outside of the relationship for sex? Why? I know its different for everyone, but I want to understand her mentality and just talking about it to people who will understand what I'm dealing with is a huge relief. Please, help me work through this.

Kindest regards.
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  #2  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:07 AM
london london is offline
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She wants casual sex because it offers a type of sex that you don't get it committed relationships. That random, lustful, hot, slutty aspect that regardless of what you do with a boyfriend or alternative kink label, you can't achieve.

Casual sex reminds you that your lust for sex is carnal and like almost separate from your being or something. It's fun.

Casual sex might be the thing that connects you to someone that ends up being your spouse because relationships are fluid and even if they don't end up a spouse, they might simply become an awesome friend. Sex brings people together.

Your idea of plenty might not correlate with hers, and since it's her vagina and her libido, you don't get to decide what is enough, unfortunately.

As for polyamory, it has nothing to do with how much sex you have and who you have it with. Polyamory simply means that you have, or are open to having, more than one intimate/loving/romantic relationship simultaneously, with the consent of all involved. So, theoretically, if I had an asexual husband and an asexual boyfriend who I've never had sex with, but I bang a thousand guys a month who I randomly meet on a hook up site, I'm perfectly polyamorous.

So yes, I absolutely have filthy, dirty, random, casual sex as well as having polyamorous relationships. Both complete me. If a partner ever tried to suggest I keep sex for committed relationships, they'd be gone before they finished the sentence. I will not tolerate someone trying to enforce their sex negative bullshit on me.
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  #3  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:13 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by Crazer View Post
What I really want to know is why she would want to go outside of the relationship for sex. I get the feeling that this is something different from the poly part of her.
Well, for me, I crave both. I need and seek poly relationships more than casual sex, but sometimes I just need it. I might very well be a sex addict. My partner is similar to me. Now, you can fight it. He's been literally in pain (severe blue balls) and waited till he was with me or his other partner. But I would NEVER ask him to do so...and, frankly, I expect him to pick up a casual partner soon. It's stress relief for him, and he needs it badly right now.

I understand your reluctance to have her pursue this. I much prefer him to be with someone he cares deeply about. But this is a part of her, as it is a part of my partner, and it would be very, very good if you could accept this part of her, as well.
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Old 06-08-2014, 06:15 AM
Crazer Crazer is offline
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I don't think that's it with her. With all due respect, I know her very well, and she likes the idea of these things a lot more than the reality. I think she sees herself as a temptress, and she wants to seduce men, etc. The fact that it's the idea that is more important than the actual action is what makes me wonder about her motivations. But if she does seek random sex with people, friends with benefits or whatever, I can't accept that, and it will lead to the end of the relationship. To be clear, also, she's never had a hookup before, the only sex she's had has been either in a relationship or in a friends with benefits situation where she slept with a man after a breakup. Or, in one case, had a friends with benefits relationship with a man she fell in love with. As far as I'm concerned, lusty, sweaty sex with a random stranger has nothing to do with it.

As for the "sex negative bullshit" first of all, that's not a constructive comment in this context. Additionally, she's said she's OK without casual sex in the past, and I see it as my "thing" that I can't deal with and if she really wants it, I'll leave of my own accord, thank you very much. It's the desire for it, the feeling that she's not satisfied with what she has, that bothers me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Well, for me, I crave both. I need and seek poly relationships more than casual sex, but sometimes I just need it. I might very well be a sex addict. My partner is similar to me. Now, you can fight it. He's been literally in pain (severe blue balls) and waited till he was with me or his other partner. But I would NEVER ask him to do so...and, frankly, I expect him to pick up a casual partner soon. It's stress relief for him, and he needs it badly right now.

I understand your reluctance to have her pursue this. I much prefer him to be with someone he cares deeply about. But this is a part of her, as it is a part of my partner, and it would be very, very good if you could accept this part of her, as well.
Thank you, this helps. It's really, sadly, not a matter of me accepting it. I've tried, I've turned it over in my head a thousand times and I believe I simply can't.

Last edited by Crazer; 06-08-2014 at 06:17 AM.
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  #5  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:17 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Who is to say how much sex or how many partners is "enough" for her, but her? Why do you think you would get to dictate that? She is not you and you are not her, so what you think is plenty of sex from enough partners is probably not the way she sees things at all.

While it is perfectly fine to say, "No, I won't continue in this relationship if you have casual sex with people other than your current boyfriends," it is quite another thing entirely to say "No, you can't do that." You can only take responsibility for what you will accept or live with, but she is her own person and has every right to live her life as she sees fit. If that means she wants to exercise her freedom to fuck someone she just met at a party or something, that is her choice. Your choice is whether you can accept her for who she is and stay in relationship with her, despite her doing things you would prefer she not do.

Now, if there is some kind of agreement in place, then any violation of that agreement needs to be discussed - but boundaries and agreements can change. Rules are different and are not something one human being should impose on another.

So it all boils down to whether or not you can accept that the woman you are dating is a free and autonomous person who is not a possession of anyone's and has a right to make her own choices about what she does with her body and her life. Her reason for wanting casual sex, as I see it, is irrelevant as far as you're concerned. She doesn't owe an explanation or justification to anyone.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-08-2014 at 06:24 AM.
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Old 06-08-2014, 06:23 AM
london london is offline
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Dude, she wants to fuck other people. She wants more cock. She isn't satisfied with the cock she has and wants cock in addition to that which isn't attached to a boyfriend. It's as simple as that. Your problem with her wanting more cock is down to your sex negativity and the views you hold about sex. Should she stop herself meeting her need for more cock simply because you believe females/people shouldnt fuck outside of a loving relationship? No way. And I hope she wises up to that soon.

Read carefully: your girlfriend wants more cock. Casual cock. Not loving boyfriend cock. Casual cock. She wants that. Even when she tells you that she can live without it, she probably still fantasises and masturbates to the idea of casual cock. She probably pretends you or her other boyfriend are a casual partner sometimes, especially as you've cut off her avenue to actually fulfill that fantasy. Accept it. She loves cock and wants more.
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  #7  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
She loves cock and wants more.
Yes!! Me too! It's as simple as that, really. When you love cock, why should there be a limit?
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Old 06-08-2014, 06:29 AM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes!! Me too! It's as simple as that, really. When you love cock, why should there be a limit?
Because some guy you used to date thinks it's slutty?
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  #9  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:36 AM
Crazer Crazer is offline
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None of this is helpful. I was an idiot for trying. They'll write it on my grave: "He always meant well."
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  #10  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Man, I spent ten minutes crafting my (first) response to you for nothing, then, if you don't think this thread is helpful.

Could it be that part of your problem in understanding your girlfriend's desire for casual sex is your need to be in control? I mean, if you're getting all bent out of shape at a few posts you don't like from anonymous people on an internet forum, it must make you crazy to imagine your girlfriend's naked body getting slam-fucked by a man she barely knows.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-08-2014 at 06:50 AM.
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