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  #11  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:47 AM
london london is offline
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What did you want us to say? "she is a filthy,dirty slut and she should be hung?"

You asked why she would want sex outside of the relationships and three poly women who have casual sex told you why. That isn't good enough because it doesn't validate your views. Dude, it's you that needs work.
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  #12  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:00 AM
Crazer Crazer is offline
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I'm frustrated because I wanted a philosophical conversation about the role of sex in a poly relationship and instead I'm being told that my girlfriend needs more cock. And it's been repeatedly insinuated that she needs to get out of the relationship because I'm too controlling. I'm trying to understand where she's coming from, I want know, I want to find out if I can make this work.

She knows the score. I can't accept casual sex, so if she suddenly has to have it, she is a free, autonomous person who can leave the relationship at any time.
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  #13  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Ah, well, if it's a philosophical discussion you want, I can move this thread to General Discussions, which is more suited to that kind of thing. It did sound like you were struggling and wanted more than just philosophical insights. In the Poly Relationships Corner, responses will be more geared toward advice and opinions on relationships and specific relationship issues.
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  #14  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:04 AM
Crazer Crazer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Ah, well, if it's a philosophical discussion you want, I can move this thread to General Discussions, which is more suited to that kind of thing. In the Poly Relationships Corner, responses will be more geared toward advice and opinions on relationships and specific relationship issues.
Please.
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  #15  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:06 AM
Crazer Crazer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
What did you want us to say? "she is a filthy,dirty slut and she should be hung?"

You asked why she would want sex outside of the relationships and three poly women who have casual sex told you why. That isn't good enough because it doesn't validate your views. Dude, it's you that needs work.
If she wants to be slam-fucked by random men, then I don't need work, I need to get the hell out.
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  #16  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:12 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Crazer View Post
If she wants to be slam-fucked by random men, then I don't need work, I need to get the hell out.
You know, casual sex doesn't always mean sex with "random strangers." Sure, it could be (and why is that so wrong anyway?), but it might not be what she means by the term.

I think that, if you do choose to discuss this with her, you need to get clear on how she defines casual sex, which could be vastly different from how you define it. For example, many of us here have FWB (Friends with Benefits) type relationships that are ongoing and meaningful, but just not totally entwined partnerships, and those can be quite casual.

You may find our Master Thread on casual sex illuminating, even though it hasn't had activity recently. Feel free to revive it if you want: Casual Sex - Discussion. I recommend reading it from the beginning, because it starts off with some good food for thought.

Also, I am curious about this statement you made, even though you say you only want a philosophical discussion:
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Originally Posted by Crazer View Post
Please, help me work through this.
What do you mean by "work through?" What result would you like, simply a deeper understanding of your girlfriend? Would that change anything?
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-08-2014 at 07:34 AM.
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  #17  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:24 AM
london london is offline
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What is wrong with getting slam fucked by random men if it's the kind of sex you enjoy? Listen, I completely understand that it is unhealthy for someone to have sex for any other reason than wanting to have sex with that/those person\people at that time. Having sex to get someone to love or like you isn't healthy. I agree with that.

However, women are often assumed to be in this "unhealthy, seeking validation" group when all they want is to have sex because they like having sex.

I think that people who are able to separate their needs and desires from their partner's needs and desires, fare better in relationships than people who think their partner should need and want the same things as them.

What do you find so distasteful about sex outside of a loving relationship?
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  #18  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:38 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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How would her having casual sex with others hurt you? This just seems so arbitrary.
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  #19  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:39 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
What do you find so distasteful about sex outside of a loving relationship?
Ok, I think perhaps this guy is getting too much flak. I, too, have little to no interest in sex just for the sake of sex. My partner feels the same. If he wanted random hookups? That's fine, but I doubt I'd want him as a primary relationship if that were his interest. Same for any other man or woman I might date. I really only enjoy casual sex when someone I'm dating seriously wants a threesome or group sex. It provides a fun, different experience.

Now, if my partner had an occasional casual relationship, and had a reason? I'd completely understand. Even if it was just, I'm not getting enough sex right now.

But, yeah, I'd prefer he didn't stray outside of loving, committed relationships in general. I think it's okay for OP to question why his girlfriend wants casual sex and see if their philosophies make them compatible.

Last edited by PolyinPractice; 06-08-2014 at 07:43 AM.
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  #20  
Old 06-08-2014, 07:48 AM
london london is offline
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This guy obviously has serious opposition to anyone having casual sex. You've expressed a preference and even a partner preference and also allowed some leeway for your partner's desires. He doesn't want her to have any casual sex at all. There is no leeway for any personal desires whatsoever.

If you want me to turn this on you, I can. Why do you have a preference for your partner only enjoying sex within a casual relationship or as an extension of coupleship? Is that because you also hold the belief that sex is only okay when it is cleansed with the holy purity of love? You see, you can reframe a threesome or group sex with a committed partner as you going out of your way to fulfill your partner's fantasies rather than you actually having sex with someone else. Is that what makes you comfortable? The pretence that the sex with these casual partners is merely you giving your loving partner sexual gratification so, in your mind at least, you're not really having sex with a casual partner?

Last edited by london; 06-08-2014 at 09:55 AM.
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autonomy, casual sex, compatibility, expectations, multiple partners, sex negative, sexual assertiveness, sexual relationships, sexuality, women and sex

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