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  #21  
Old 06-08-2014, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Crazer View Post
She does express an interest, inconsistently, in casual sex. I have said no, and will always say no, because I see no reason for her to go outside of the relationship for something she gets plenty of with her two current boyfriends.
Crazer, this still stands out to me. How do you know what is "plenty" to her? Do you think that your idea of "plenty" should apply to her and determine how much sex she can or should have simply based on the fact that you're dating her? Even if it doesn't seem to her like she's having enough sex or variety?

You seem to have this idea that you and her other current bf should be enough for her and that she should not want more sex than she is already getting, for some reason. But why? And what if she said she wanted another serious, committed, loving relationship with a third man, and even a fourth -- would that be okay with you because it's not casual? Is it really the casual sex that bothers you or the amount of sex she wants? Do you think she should have a cap on the amount of sex and sex partners she's allowed to have?

I am trying to understand your squeamishness about it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-08-2014 at 09:47 AM.
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  #22  
Old 06-08-2014, 11:20 AM
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Poor Crazer, getting jumped on by 2 of the most outspoken and direct women here.

I hear you saying you like your gf having 2 bfs, and having sex with them. You prefer a partner who has sex in the context of a loving relationship. You feel uncomfortable with your gf having or contemplating casual sex. That wasn't part of the arrangement at first and now you are uncomfortable.

The way you are feeling is perfectly valid. Feelings are feelings and we don't choose them. We can only choose how to act on them.

You mentioned your gf is "on her own now," since she's out of school. Her OSO is near her but you aren't? So, actually, you and she won't be together as much til fall, and she won't be having as much sex as she is used to.

I hear you saying you don't think, however, it's the sex itself, the actual physical feelings, that she needs, but that she gets a nice feeling of being attractive and desired, from potential casual sex partners.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just is. That feeling of being valued and desired can be a factor in many relationships, for whatever reason. I went through that after my marriage ended after 30 years. I power dated partly for the thrill of being pursued, and pursuing, new men and women, although I was (am) very horny and loved the physical side too.

I am glad to hear you qualify your statement about "saying no," to your gf as far has her desire for casual sex. You told her if she does it, you're done. You realize she is an autonomous individual with the right to share her body with whomever she wishes.

You'd like to understand your gf's motivations. You feel maybe if you understood, you could learn to accept.

I feel the same way about my male partner's frequent dating/fucking of others. I don't understand it yet (it's been a year) and I am having a hard time accepting it. I hope through more understanding, empathy and exposure, I can learn to accept it, but it's been a struggle, I won't lie. The first year of our relationship, he didn't do this, but the 2nd year he's had a new woman every few months. So I wasn't expecting it and am not really liking it. It's unsettling. I feel off kilter trying to keep up with information about this or that woman he's been seeing. It's tiring!

There are as many ways to do poly as there are people. Maybe your gf casually dating and casually fucking others is just too much for you to handle. Maybe, OTOH, it's just something she'd going to do over the summer when you and she will be seeing each other less, and when fall comes she will stop. Maybe the self esteem boost she gets from casual sex will help her grow. Maybe it's just a phase (my casual sex period was just a phase, I am over it now). But maybe it's not a phase, or maybe the phase will last years, and you don't have an interest in riding it out.

I hope those ideas help you (and me) see it from a few different perspectives and outcome possibilities.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-08-2014 at 11:24 AM.
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  #23  
Old 06-08-2014, 01:07 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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OP, your gf sounds young (and I expect you are as well), could it be that due to inexperience with casual sex, she is simply curious? You are right the reality and the fantasy can be entirely different things. But right now you're gf has no way to reconcile the two. She has this fantasy, but doesn't know which parts of the fantasy have a basis in reality, and which parts don't. And because of your disapproval, the fantasy may be becoming more powerful as forbidden fruit often does. If your gf were to experience, she may find out it is not something she wants after all.

Me? I am not a person who seeks random sex. But that has a lot to do with my temperament - I tend to be overly analytical and the opposite of impulsive. However, I do not have a moral objection about those who do. They have different personalities and temperaments. I think those who answered you frankly about their own motivations for enjoying random sex were simply being honest. You asked why your gf might want this and they answered you from their own experiences. It appears that you have trouble accepting that your gf *might* have the same reasons given your outright rejection of their frank answers.

You stated that your gf might enjoy the power trip of being a temptress. And you spoke of it as if it might indicate a self-esteem issue. While that is possible, it may also be a healthy attempt to discover who she is and how the world works. I would hazard the analogy that when a person - usually a guy - is out winning a high stakes business deal, he is also testing his own power. Yet that is admired.

Another reason one might enjoy random sex, beyond the sex itself, is as an expression of autonomy.

Like the others, I am not sure what you expected from the group, given your distaste for their honest answers about their own motivations, which is what you asked - why? If you were looking for psycho-analysis, just the fact that your gf is curious about random sex does not necessarily indicate she has a psychological issue. Was that what you were expecting?

I am confused.
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  #24  
Old 06-08-2014, 01:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post

Like the others, I am not sure what you expected from the group, given your distaste for their honest answers about their own motivations, which is what you asked - why? If you were looking for psycho-analysis, just the fact that your gf is curious about random sex does not necessarily indicate she has a psychological issue. Was that what you were expecting?

I am confused.
Psychological issue, ie: sex addiction? I think that term is thrown around too loosely today. In fact, lots of time it is used against a partner who wants or has sex more often than we do. Like, a person who is fine with once a week thinks 3 times a week is unhealthy. Heaven forbid someone wants more than one session in a day!

Aside from the casual sex issue, my gf accused me of sex addiction once, since I wanted to have sex with her more than twice a week. In fact, yes, two 1/2 hr sessions a week isn't nearly enough for me. Ideally I like a day or two a week where I have sex on and off for hours... I did get hurt when she accused me of this, and I looked up the definition of sex addiction. It, like any other addiction, isn't an addiction unless it increasingly interferes with other aspects of your life, including work, love relationships, finances. Think of a coke junkie with a $500 a day habit. Think of a gambler loosing his house to cards. And addictions keep escalating.

There's a big difference between sex addiction and a mere high libido.

Maybe most teen boys are... borderline sex addicts. Does that make them bad people? Or just normal? I sometimes say I have the libido of a 15 year old boy. Luckily I am generally satisfied with my current situation. 2 partners keep up with my desires pretty well, and then there is masturbation to fill in the gaps.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-08-2014 at 01:42 PM.
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  #25  
Old 06-08-2014, 05:50 PM
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Aside from sex being a fun thing to do, whether with a committed partner or someone you pick up in the coffee shop line, sex within a committed relationship carries some baggage. You aren't just having sex. You're having sex with the person you might share a residence with, share expenses/finances with, share children with, etc. At the very least, it's someone you share *feelings* with, and sometimes that's a lot of pressure.

Speaking personally, there are times when I prefer casual sex (where "casual" by my definition means sex with a guy I'm friends with or at least acquainted with; tried the stranger thing once, hated it, but that's just my preference). For many reasons, by the time I left my first marriage my view of sex was completely warped. I was taught growing up that sex and my body were horrible, evil things, and my first husband pretty much subscribed to that belief as well. (He once slapped me in the mouth because I made a sound during sex; he was afraid people would hear and know what we were doing.)

After I left my first husband, I had about a year and a half of playtime. I didn't really date; I just met guys I liked and fucked. It was easy, because if they acted like assholes I could just walk away.

For the first few years of my relationship with Hubby, I was afraid to take any initiative sexually because I didn't know what he would think of me. (Didn't help that after we moved in together, he told me he wanted me to initiate sex more often and then got mad at me a few times when I tried to.) I was afraid to tell him things I wanted to try in bed. The first time he asked if we could use my toys during sex, I had a complete meltdown and hid in the bathroom for an hour, not because I didn't want to use the toys but because I didn't want him to judge me for having them. I did reach the point finally where I could tell him about sexual things I wanted to try, but then he didn't want to try most of them, either because he already had with other partners or because he just wasn't interested. Which made me feel judged for wanting to do those things, even though that wasn't his intent.

So when we opened our marriage last year, I went back to the casual sex thing, because sex with a guy I'm friendly with is way less pressure and way less baggage for me. As I put it to the FWB I had before I met Guy, "If I ask to try something and Hubby judges me for it or it ends up going badly, I still have to live with him. If you judge me or something goes badly, I can say fuck you and never see you again."

So the desire for casual sex, even with two loving cocks at the ready, might be because there isn't the same connection in casual sex, so it's easier for some to let go and just have fun without having to worry about the partner's reactions.
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  #26  
Old 06-08-2014, 11:02 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I would be interested in hearing from you OP-as to how you define casual sex.
Because there are a variety of ways it can be defined and how I deal with it differs by definition.

When i was younger I had several casual sex experiences. To be clear, I don't define casual sex as necessarily being a stranger. I've never had sex with a stranger. In every case it was a friend.

I don't do casual sex as part of my poly dynamic. I don't believe that my current relationships could withstand that-neither of my partners would be ok with that.

But casual sex for me would also never be with a stranger. I could enjoy a friend with benefits. For me that would be someone who was already an established friend, who I occasionally had sex with. I have several friends I would be comfortable with taking the relationship to that level-if the opportunity existed.
Primarily because-I REALLY enjoy sex and I really enjoy the bonding that goes with that, with someone I care about, even if we aren't "in love" and don't want to live together or raise a family together (which I am doing with both of my partners).

On the other hand, the idea of having a one-off does nothing for me and the idea of having sex with someone I haven't already established a close friendship with, someone I have established trust with, that does nothing for me either.

Additionally; in reference to your seductress theory; you could be on to something there.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to flirt and when I worked as a stripper, the thing I loved the most was the sense of power and control I got knowing that all of those men were looking at me, wanting me, desiring me. But-I had absolutely no interest in actually TOUCHING or BEING TOUCHED by ANY of them. Not at all. In fact, customers trying to touch me resulted in two going to the hospital when I defended myself. I wasn't at all accepting of people touching me.

There is nothing wrong with you having "hard limits" on what you will accept in a partner.
It may mean that you two can't remain partners.
It certainly sounds like some extended conversations are needed between the two of you.

But-dig a little deeper with each other. Because it's also equally possible that what she's looking for isn't ACTUALLY what you think it is. It's possible that you have different ideas of what "casual" means and it's possible you may be seeing what she hasn't noticed, and that her real interest is in being able to be the temptress, in which case, being the tease may be enough. So many possible things that seem to be up in the air and confused, needing deeper discussion.
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  #27  
Old 08-16-2014, 06:35 PM
celliehwyn celliehwyn is offline
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Default casual sex

the line between poly and casual sex is very thin. When you start a new relationship and have sex for the first time, how is that not casual sex? just because it happens to grow into more of a love type relationship?

What if she just wants to be free? that's what poly is for me, freedom of expression in a consensual way. Free to have more than one love and free to have sex with more than one person. Like I said, "casual sex" is not as black and white and why not let her if that is what she wants and you care for her wants and needs?
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  #28  
Old 08-23-2014, 03:50 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
She wants casual sex because it offers a type of sex that you don't get it committed relationships. That random, lustful, hot, slutty aspect that regardless of what you do with a boyfriend or alternative kink label, you can't achieve.

Casual sex reminds you that your lust for sex is carnal and like almost separate from your being or something. It's fun.

Casual sex might be the thing that connects you to someone that ends up being your spouse because relationships are fluid and even if they don't end up a spouse, they might simply become an awesome friend. Sex brings people together.

Your idea of plenty might not correlate with hers, and since it's her vagina and her libido, you don't get to decide what is enough, unfortunately.

As for polyamory, it has nothing to do with how much sex you have and who you have it with. Polyamory simply means that you have, or are open to having, more than one intimate/loving/romantic relationship simultaneously, with the consent of all involved. So, theoretically, if I had an asexual husband and an asexual boyfriend who I've never had sex with, but I bang a thousand guys a month who I randomly meet on a hook up site, I'm perfectly polyamorous.

So yes, I absolutely have filthy, dirty, random, casual sex as well as having polyamorous relationships. Both complete me. If a partner ever tried to suggest I keep sex for committed relationships, they'd be gone before they finished the sentence. I will not tolerate someone trying to enforce their sex negative bullshit on me.
Amazingly and accurately, well put...
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  #29  
Old 08-23-2014, 03:51 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I would be interested in hearing from you OP-as to how you define casual sex.
Can't.... resist....

It when you don't wear a suit...
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  #30  
Old 08-24-2014, 02:33 AM
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Well that certainly makes business sex sound awkward.
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