What do you think?

T

Tahirabs

New member
What do you think about having one of your partners (the one that is not the primary or the unicorn) be a godparent if/when you have children? I know it is a long way (about 4 yrs) off in my family, but children are already highly important to me (especially since I already had one son that I lost). I have discussed it with both my husband and my girlfriend and they both are fine with legally making Katja (who lives with us now) the guardian of any children Nils and I have, if she is living with us at that time. She is from Finland, will be leaving in Dec., but plans to return in 2yrs. I was just wondering if anyone else had done this. I wanted to know what others think. Hmm... :p

Please write to tell me what you think.

Tahira
 
What Katja said...

My girlfriend, Katja, actually is really excited about being a godmother someday. She is a full lesbian. She does not make deep loving relationships easily, since her parents are/were abusive to her. She keeps telling me that she only wants to be with me and Nils, and no one else, and that she would be honored to be a godmother.

While part of me is really happy to hear this, another small part is also sad. I want her to experience what Nils and I have. I would love for her to find someone that she could be one with, in all ways. Since Nils and I are married, and since he gets jealous often, it is hard for me to ever give her all of that. She tells me she is very happy with what she has, and feels blessed/grateful that Nils and I are in her life. She loves to help foster our relationship and watch us grow closer. I just hope she never regrets not having this complete two people/one life kind of love relationship. I feel slightly guilty and definitely sad for her.

What do you all think about this? :(
 
I don't see any reason not to consider a member of your chosen family as a good choice for legal guardianship. I'm going to wear it for this probably, but I see the choice of "God Parent" as a bit more tricky.

Here's my reasoning.

Legal guardianship can be adjusted to reflect changes in dynamics with a simple document. Poly relationships may be more prone to changes in family make-up. So while changing who has legal guardianship is easy enough, I don't know if you can change the person chosen as godparent so easily.

Regardless, as you said, this is long way off. When the time comes, you'll be in a better place to make that decision. Interesting question.
 
My boyfriend and my sister will be the custodians of our children if anything happens to us, per our will.

I see no issue with it as long as the person you choose is good with kids and your kids are comfortable with them. The person should be capable, emotionally, physically and mentally, of supporting and loving your children as if they were their own. Not as their own, as they would love their own. And they should be willing and able to help the children maintain relationships with all family members and loved ones, if something were to happen to you, as well as ensuring that they keep their religious backgrounds as you've taught them.
 
If it's a true pure longer-term poly relationship amongst great friends/loves, I see no problems. I'm more worried about transient or short-term relationships. Of course, plenty of monogamous godparents have gotten divorced, split or whatever. How many times has that come into play when caring for stranded godchildren? Anybody have any stats?
 
No stats here, but the cool thing for us is it's our will, so we can update it as we see fit. But it hasn't changed in 16 years for me. We'll see. Good points, though. Gotta make sure these people are good for your kids, not just good in your beds.
 
It makes sense to me to chose someone who knows the children's parents well enough to do them justice while raising their children. I have chosen my parents as my son's guardians if my husband and I should both die. I realize that it was a terrible mistake, and actually feel a bit sick and tearful now, as you have brought this question up. I'm a bit panicked, actually. They have no idea how to raise our son as we would! They do not appreciate our lifestyle and our style of child rearing, not to mention my mother is not stable enough to look after her own emotional needs, let alone my son's. And she would ban Mono from ever seeing him again.

I think that it is best to give that responsibility to whomever would respect how you have raised them thus far, and who has the closest values and believes as you. If this is a secondary partner, then so be it. It makes sense to me that they would fit that bill.
 
redpepper said:
It makes sense to me to chose someone who knows the children's parents well enough to do them justice while raising their children. I have chosen my parents as my sons guardian if my husband and I should both die. I realize now that it was a terrible mistake and actually feel a bit sick and tearful now as you have brought this question up. I'm a bit panicked actually. They have no idea how to raise our son as we would! They do not appreciate our lifestyle and our style of child rearing, not to mention my mother is not stable enough to look after her own emotional needs, let alone my sons and she would ban Mono from ever seeing him again.
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Can't you have that changed?

Don't tell me there is some archaic backward law where you live that says once you pick a guardian for your kid you're stuck with them no matter what.
 
YGirl said:
Can't you have that changed?
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Legally, it is very easy. From a sensitivity standpoint, it would be far more difficult. When I broke off my marriage, I knew our close family friends were going to have difficulty in talking to me about removing me from legal guardianship of their children. I brought the issue forward and told them that I understood the need to do this, and that my ex-wife was much better suited as a guardian.

Redpepper's parents would be devastated, but I understand her concern. Her son would be a much different man if raised by them. I think they would find it hard to pick other people who would actually raise him with their openness and values. That is a hard one.
 
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MonoVCPHG said:
Legally it is very easy. From a sensitivity stand point it would be far more difficult. When I broke my marraige, I knew our close family friends were going to have difficulty in talking to me about removing me from legal guardianship of thier children. I brought the issue forward and told them that I understood the need to do this and that my ex wife was much better suited as a guardian.
Redpepper's parent's would be devastated but I understand her concern. Her son would be a much different man if raised by them. I think they would find it hard to actually pick other people who would raise him with thier openess and values actually..that is a hard one.
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It sounds like RP is worried about the possibility of people thinking that she changed the guardianship designation out of spite and retaliation.

She can rest assured that I wouldn't see it that way. I would see it as making the hard decision to do what is best for her son. Of course, I'm not part of the circle of people who give a damn the most, but then again, I have nothing to gain or lose out of this.

All we can do is pray that nothing happens to Mr. and Mrs. Redpepper until they feel able to make that move on paper (or ever).
 
YGirl said:
It sounds like RP is worried about the possibility of people thinking that she changed the guardianship designation out of spite and retaliation.
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This is more about pointing out that your parents don't have some of the same values and approach to integrating in the world as you do. Essentially you are saying that they would not produce the person that you feel is best for the world. "Your way of living is not what I want for my child." There's unintentional judgement in that which would be hard to swallow.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
This is more about pointing out that your parents don't have some of the same values and aproach to integrating in the world as you do. Essentially you are saying thet they will not produce the person that you feel is best for the world. "Your way of living is not what I want for my child". There's unintentional judgement in that which would be hard to swallow.
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I should think that would be obvious in light of recent developments.

OTOH, they raised her, and she turned out ok.
 
More often than not, it's not just our parents' influence that makes us who we are as adults. This is especially true for me. My parents are good, responsible people. I feel that I am a loving, caring person. But I didn't learn this from them, really. They taught me how to pay my bills on time, show up when I'm expected to, and be emotionally distant. It was my relationships with other people that taught me how to be loving.

So, just because a person turns out okay, doesn't mean that their parents are solely responsible for that. I love my parents deeply, but when I made my living will, I did not list them as guardians of my children in the event of my or their father's death. I picked people that I knew would raise my kids in a loving, affectionate, happy home. That's not to say that my parents would do a bad job raising my children, they just wouldn't do it the way I would. And I think that is the important factor.

Feelings may be hurt, or judgements passed when selecting or re-selecting guardians for children, but ultimately all that matters is that we pick the people that will let us live on through our children and that will nurture and love them close to the way we would.
 
One more thought, RP. I know, for me, my parents love my children, but the truth is we have a young child and older parents. If you did want to change it, could you not address it in a way (fits with what I said above) that noted that due to their age you would not prefer they be in the parental role, but someone more your age and likely to be around longer, but that visitation with them be mandatory for the new person to ensure between child and grandparents?

Hard choices, yes.

I remember when we had Ailsa (my oldest), this was VERY important to me, and I was adamant it not be grandparents, for the simple fear that she could lose me to an accident, be put with a grandparent, and lose them to natural causes. Too much for a child to go through.
 
This was part of my motivation for not choosing my parents, as well. They are by no means "old" yet, but they aren't young. either. I think there is a reason we have children around the age that most people do. When we are young, we have more energy, and our lives seem to sync up better.

I'm not saying that grandparents can't do the job, because that would just be silly. However, it was important to me that the couple I chose to raise my kids, should something happen to me or their father, be as much like me as possible, and that includes age, life path, and views.

The biggest issue I faced was selecting my good friends and not my sister. My parents were not nearly upset about my decision as my sister and her wife were. We worked past it, and they came to see why I made the choice that I did, but it wasn't an easy conversation to have with them.
 
MoonFairy said:
So, just because a person turns out okay, doesn't mean that their parents are solely responsible for that.
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I didn't mean that. I meant that they raised her and she turned out ok despite that fact.


If you read some of RP's and Mono's posts, especially the one titled "Redpepper needs support", you will discover that her parents, particularly her mother, have passed along some of their issues to RP.
 
Oh, I know, hun! I guess I should have been more specific in saying that I meant that in a general sense, and not just her in particular!

Good parents can rear bad kids, bad parents can rear good kids, and every variation in between!

All I was saying was that while our parents can influence our lives, they aren't usually the only influence that shapes who we become.

I have a good friend that was so neglected and abused by her mother, that other people shaping her personality wasn't really even possible. It has been a challenge in helping her past all the issues that her mother left her with.

I truly hope I didn't upset you, hun. That wasn't my intention at all.
 
I'm not upset, I just wanted to make sure my comment was understood the way it was intended to be.

Yet, I didn't want to speak too much of RP in the 3rd person as though she's not in the same room.
 
I am actually very much like my mum in a lot of ways, and that is what we were thinking of when we chose them. My dad is a lot like my husband.
I was shocked when we came out that the issues I had worked on with her over the years and in therapy had not been resolved. Also in light of the fact that my mum is taking her masters in social work, I thought she would be more worldly by now and less judgmental. Apparently not.

Yes, it will be hard to talk to them about all this, in some ways, as I am disappointed. But I actually will be just fine, too. After all, they asked us to sign over property we co-owned together that they no longer want us to go to. They also accused Mono of sexual inappropriateness with my boy, even put our family doctor in a position to act on Mum's neurotic thoughts by telling her as a professional, instead of going by what they knew of my son and Mono, or listening to us as his parents.

Nope, I think I will be okay mentioning it. I think they would not be surprised. If it causes trouble, I will pull the age card, as they are in their late 60s, anyway.

Thanks for all this, YGirl and moonfairy, and for starting this thread. Interesting. I have some things to look at now that I have been reminded.
 
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