Trying to figure out what I want.

H

Handmaiden

New member
And not really sure if I want to face what comes up.

So a little about me... I've been monogamous all my life. My family history is such that monogamy was held up as the sacred chalice, so I never even questioned it.

About 2.5 years into my longest monogamous relationship I kissed a guy I had serious chemistry with. I didn't have sex with him though I really wanted to. My relationship survived (I confessed) and I beat myself up over it for a long time. We went on to have children, then last year we separated after almost 12 years. It wasn't a great relationship, there was no passion, we were like housemates at the end.

I got together with a friend I've had for many years. He had intense feelings for me but I wasn't ready at that time. This time around it works wonderfully. The sex is amazing, the mind-spirit connection is fantastic. I love him so much and he loves me and it's very passionate.

And for some reason I can't stop thinking about wanting some freedom. I knew I jumped into a relationship with him too soon, because I was worried I'd lose my second chance with him (as he was pursuing an overseas relationship that was going to lead to him being over there for 3 months). I tend to fall into relationships before I'm ready for them, serial monogamy! At first that was fine, but I kept thinking I wanted some freedom to play the field after so long with one person. But I realised that was risky... as I don't want to lose what I have with my current partner.

We negotiated some boundaries, whereby I could have a little freedom to flirt and go slightly beyond that but not too much. I didn't act on it (mainly because I've had little opportunity as I have two young children and spend most of my spare time with my partner). Just talking about it seemed to be enough and triggered some awesome fantasies we shared. I have to probably say I'm a bit kinky and he's lovely enough to indulge me, and he quite enjoys thinking about me with other men but he's not sure about how he'd feel in reality.

All the fantasies though have made me think more about it. At first I didn't even entertain the thought of sex with other people as I couldn't see how it would be any good, but now I'm thinking about that. We're discussing that specifically and he is not keen on the idea of me developing a relationship with anyone else. He's worried this will destroy our relationship, and it would be tricky as I don't have much time to share around. My problem I guess is now I'm reading about polyamory and I know I'm more than capable of loving two people at once. I have in the past, I just didn't have relationships with both of them. Monogamy has been the default and I entered this relationship as a monogamous person. He thinks he wouldn't want to be polyamorous.

I don't want to hurt him or ruin what we have. I love him so much. But at the same time, am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling wistful, like I'm missing out on something? I don't want to pressure him into letting me have something he doesn't want. I don't know if sex is really what I want, as he fulfills me. But there are certain interests I have that he doesn't share that I would love to share with a romantic partner. I don't want to leave him thinking I might find the "perfect" man. As far as I'm concerned he is perfect for me. I just would love to explore the idea of adding someone else into the mix.

And the thought seriously scares me and confronts me and I am wanting to back away and not mention it again... but then I know I'll be regretful I didn't take the risk.

Help?
 
It sounds like you know what you would like to try but don't know how to go about doing that without hurting your man... tricky. Really its a matter of deciding if it is worth seeing if your relationship will survive. It sounds like you have been very conscious of his feelings and the possibility of discovering something wonderful that he might not want to share with you. There is lots to learn yet, so I suggest taking your time... reading everything, talking about everything, and walking through the emotions that arise. At the end of the day it's your choice to take a step and see how you feel and his to allow himself to discover what your step brings for him.
 
A friend of mine is having a party Sat night so we've negotiated that I can see what happens (within mutually agreed safety boundaries - sex is definitely something that could be on the cards) and then assess how things stand from there. He can relate to the idea of compersion obviously, so that was a helpful term to discover today! He's just very threatened by the idea of me falling in love with someone else, but some of what I'd like to do I'm not comfortable doing in a one-off situation.

I didn't mention that we've discussed having a baby together... and that for him there's no way he'd consider that if I'm looking at being in a polyamorous relationship.
 
Lots of discussion last night. He said he can see the value of it for older people, past babymaking age... he said he would basically want to be monogamous from when/if we conceive a baby until that baby is 3 at least. I can understand and appreciate that and sought an answer from him on whether he would be willing to discuss polyamory when we are a bit older. I outlined my concerns that now i've opened my eyes about this that if i fell in love with someone else I might be forced into an impossible choice. He can't understand how you can possibly be intimate with more than one person, but I said I think it would be fairly natural for me. It's all hypothetical anyway at the moment. He was expecting to to reveal to him that I am polyamorous but I've said I still have no idea, and that if I don't act on it then I can't really label myself at all. I think I have the potential to love more than one person at a time, but for now will respect that he isn't ok with sharing me like that. Now I just hope if I get some casual action on the weekend that I come home clean... of course I would use a condom but I've never had so much as crabs...
 
I don't understand the rational behind it being okay for older people. By that I am thinking he means people on a different stage of life than you two are... am I right? There are women I know who are younger than me and grandparents already, so age really plays no bearing... anyway, I digress...

He isn't going to be there this weekend? He knows you will be having sex with strangers, but isn't okay with you being in love with another? He said he doesn't get that people could be intimate with more than one person, yet he is okay with you going to this event? Ya. confused also.

Shouldn't following your heart when someone shows up be open for at least discussion? What if you meet someone at this party and have sex and find you are the type of person that becomes connected through sex. What if you want to see them again and fall in love.... It seems there are some possible scenarios that need to be discussed before this weekend no? What is it about having a three year old that makes a difference in terms of starting a poly relationship dynamic? Poly families can be an awesome way to raise children. It sounds like you are moving forward, but that there are some pieces missing in your communication.
 
It's a long story I guess... and a bit convoluted. He gets turned on by the idea of me having sex with other men, in fantasy. He had a previous gf where he let this happen. He does say in reality he might just feel jealous but it (the fantasies) has definitely led to some amazing sex. He said me going and having a one night stand with someone does risk our relationship but he thinks it's worth the risk, once. (It also turns me on to think he might get jealous and channel that into a passionate bdm session too). From there we can only assess how we both feel. He wants to share the experience vicariously. For a few reasons he's not really big on one nighters, whereas I've had a few in my life (mostly craptacular to be honest, but they were when I was rather young). I know I don't just fall in love through sex, although it does make it happen faster if it is happening (as long as the sex is good anyway!)

He feels threatened by the idea of me being in love with someone else, that I'll end up leaving him because he's rather insecure about himself. Sex isn't so problematic for him where there are no feelings involved, he knows he doesn't own my body.

I don't want to railroad him into anything, and the fact we are talking about it means it's in his head now and he'll think about it occasionally, and challenge himself. He's like that. He understands me falling in love with someone else could be problematic. But I guess we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. I actually can't believe we've gotten this far...
 
Not a prob... I know it seems a bit strange that he's ok with the one but not the other. In reply to the age of the child... basically I have had two kids already and both times I've been consumed by child-rearing for the first 2 years... so realistically I wouldn't have the time or energy for more than my first relationship (unless both were happy to nurture ME without receiving much in return!). My libido also disappears for a LONG time. So I think he's thinking along practical lines there.
 
Hi and welcome, Handmaiden!

I can relate to the issue with very young children. Kids are a handful, no doubt about that. Having a poly dynamic INTO which children are born can be absolutely amazing, but establishing a stable poly dynamic, starting from dating, with small children is a challenge, both emotionally and time-management-wise.

One thing that comes to my mind is that please don't go into having a child with this man if you feel that the poly issue is still out in the open or unresolved in an unsatisfactory way. He might wish that with child-rearing and nesting, your thoughts on opening up the relationship might go away, and they could for a while. They might as easily resurface though, and both of you need to ready for that if you are proceeding with the baby-making plan.
 
Handmaiden said:
He feels threatened by the idea of me being in love with someone else, that I'll end up leaving him because he's rather insecure about himself. Sex isn't so problematic for him where there are no feelings involved, he knows he doesn't own my body.
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Still, that he feels it is permissible for you to have have sex with someone, with the idea that only your body is engaged in sharing physical acts, and yet not acceptable for you to let in love, caring, respect, and affection from someone seems exactly like ownership to me. And what beautiful, wonderful possibilities he wants to keep from you! That is miserly, stingy, and selfish. It relegates you to be open with only one aspect of your being, like a toy. Basically he is claiming to own your "heart," which apparently he deems more important but yet it's a turn-on if your pussy gets passed around. How sad. I would think that if you love someone you would be happy to see others also direct love toward them, not just that they use you to get off. This is a highly disrespectful attitude toward your humanity and your womanhood, in my opinion, and why people who are okay with swinging and yet not poly puzzle me. And I say this as someone who has nothing against casual sex, just to be clear. But it's the attitude that colors everything.
 
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redpepper said:
maybe she likes her pussy being used as a toy and passed around because it turns her man on?
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Well, yeah, it seems they both get turned on by that, but why not also turned on by being loved by someone else? Is my point. But I know you get it.

Plus it seems like he's in charge of what she does, not her. :(
 
nycindie said:
Still, that he feels it is permissible for you to have have sex with someone, with the idea that only your body is engaged in sharing physical acts, and yet not acceptable for you to let in love, caring, respect, and affection from someone seems exactly like ownership to me. And what beautiful, wonderful possibilities he wants to keep from you! That is miserly, stingy, and selfish. It relegates you to be open with only one aspect of your being, like a toy. Basically he is claiming to own your "heart," which apparently he deems more important but yet it's a turn-on if your pussy gets passed around. How sad. I would think that if you love someone you would be happy to see others also direct love toward them, not just that they use you to get off. This is a highly disrespectful attitude toward your humanity and your womanhood, in my opinion, and why people who are okay with swinging and yet not poly puzzle me. And I say this as someone who has nothing against casual sex, just to be clear. But it's the attitude that colors everything.
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maybe she likes her pussy being used as a toy and passed around because it turns her man on?

I think sometimes men think women are like them and their genitals are like them. Men put things in and that is a different power dynamic than taking in. I echo NYCindie in that I would feel controlled and used, but maybe this is not what is going on.

My Leo likes to go to swinger parties and watch his wife get fucked by different men. He totally gets off on being a voyeur and hearing about her and my stories. He believes that pussy is boss and that we are empowered. He couldn't believe that I thought I was used. Didn't occur to him in the least. He would never use women I don't think. His repect is far too high. If a woman were to want to have sex with him he would consider it a huge honour. He had not thought men would see it any other way. Naïve perhaps, but it made me realize my worth to him. Mono and PN treat me the same way. I would not pick men any other way now. In a swiniging scenario I just wouldn't know where the men were coming from and wouldn't do it for that reason. I have seen too much and been through to much to think otherwise now.
 
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Handmaiden, it's obviously good to consider your partners feelings but i'm wondering what you hope to gain from this weekend party sex 'deal'?
Are you merely doing this to turn him on as suggested above?
Are you concerned that he might have a change of heart after the fact?

I say this as a mono male with partner seeking poly. I too get off on the 'fantasy' of my girlfriend having a rendevous with a random stranger but realised that in 'reality' I would be a little too concerned for her safety and the well being of our relationship to be comfortable. We agreed that it would make us both feel better if she got to know a potential partner rather than having a one-night stand. I guess it depends what you are looking for and as you say you are trying to figure out what you want.
 
Thanks for your replies :).

One part of sat night is actually seeing if I *can* fuck someone else. I have a lot of hang ups around cheating (due to it destroying my parents' marriage) and while I am clear that this is not cheating because he knows about it and we've negotiated it, I still don't know if I can get past my hang ups.

Part of it... I don't know... I think there might be a part of me trying to goad him into being more dominant. Which is probably not entirely a healthy way of going about it. I am not always submissive in sex but atm I really want to explore it, but he's into egalitarian sex. He's trying, for my sake, but I do get off on his jealous arousal. There is a thread on here that made me completely reassess my thoughts on finding a guy into the D/s play, especially as I'm not particularly hardcore! So am I trying to prod him into something more dominant? Hmmm, don't know!

I know he's coming from a place of fear, not ownership. It just hurts him to think I could love someone as passionately as I love him (even if it's different), because we have such a deep and unique connection. I'm playing devil's advocate with him atm, I told him I'd be willing to have a threesome with one of his friends who we both find attractive and from all accounts she wanted him at one point and said I was hot. This is worlds away from me originally saying I would be too jealous to watch him have sex with someone else. And in truth I would be ok with it, as she's a lovely person. He thinks he is hardwired for monogamy so of course I'm playing with fire, but I want to push the boundaries a bit.

So, what else do I want from Sat night? I want to feel sexy again, to someone other than my partner as really we've known each other for ages and he would find me hot even if I was not (and I'm a mama so most of the time I feel not at all sexy!). I want pleasure, even if I don't get sex I would like to feel that thrill of arousal from someone new. I have a crazy libido atm, and my body sings to me of sex most of the time, so I want a sensual experience that granted he can give me too, but I want to try my new libido and well, my new ability to FEEL with someone else to see if the sex is just better all around or only with my man.

Sorry for the ramble!
 
There are quite a few threads on casual sex if you're interested. A tag search will bring them up. One thing to be aware of is the hamngover the next day. There can be a real sense of loss and guilt the day after. Your body can have a memory of things where your mind doesn't.
 
Thanks Redpepper.

We had a very good talk last night, I don't have time to update atm but we made a few breakthroughs I think. I don't want to have lots of casual sex, am worried about risks, and he is too. So he is more open to the idea of a casual relationship arrangement and wanted to know more on my thoughts on how it would work.

Still open to the idea this evening though, I guess we'll see what happens.
 
Handmaiden said:
Part of it... I don't know... I think there might be a part of me trying to goad him into being more dominant. Which is probably not entirely a healthy way of going about it. I am not always submissive in sex but atm I really want to explore it, but he's into egalitarian sex. He's trying, for my sake, but I do get off on his jealous arousal. There is a thread on here that made me completely reassess my thoughts on finding a guy into the D/s play, especially as I'm not particularly hardcore! So am I trying to prod him into something more dominant? Hmmm, don't know!
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Yup, risque. I'm at the early stages of exploring a vanilla relationship with a BDSMer and trying to manipulate someone's sexual orientation like that, or even feeling that you should try to be more 'open' that way to be acceptable to your mate, can seriously mess up both your sex life and your head. How about trying to find a man who switches, especially if you are at the earliest stages of exploration into BDSM territory? Which specific thread are you talking about?
 
Hey BlackUnicorn,

I actually spoke to him of my concerns about maybe this is partly me trying to make him more dominant. He asked if that was all it was, and I said I thought not, but it may have something to do with it. We've been researching stuff we can do and so far he's fine with everything I've said I would like.

So I read your comment and I've been worrying about it! We had some play today and afterwards we talked about it, about what worked and didn't and I asked if he felt uncomfortable about anything. There was only one thing and that was the mechanics of something. So I kept worrying about this idea of me changing his sexuality... and I brought it up. So basically he said that he would much rather experiment with me (and he does find it fun, just not really a huge turn on atm, but it depends on what we're doing) than have me go to someone else for it. There is a huge amount of trust I have in him that makes me able to explore this with him that I won't have with someone else. The thread is the one started by dingedheart about the discovery of photos and emails. While I know that I have my children's best interests at heart and would NEVER be so careless it's still an example of what can go wrong if you're "outsourcing" for that kind of thing. So yeah... he's basically said he wants to do this with me, and he will refuse to do anything he doesn't feel comfortable with (and as I said I'm not particularly hardcore so most of the stuff that makes him uncomfortable also makes me uncomfortable).

About last night... there was no one there that I was interested in, my partner was rather relieved to hear that. He asked if I still want to do it and I said right now no, but it may come up again. We're still talking about it. If nothing else, we're much more open and communicative about this stuff now!
 
So happy to hear, Handmaiden!

I think the name for this thread is chosen aptly. You now you want something, but are not entirely sure what it is. And that's perfectly okay. It might be your guy turns out to be the thing you want, or it might be that besides him, you want something or someone else. Am I reading this thread right if I understand that you are interested in non-monogamy, but not sure about polyamory?
 
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