Jelousy about social media

Violet77

Member
Hello, my bf was on his instagram and some lame music was playing, he said it was Iggy Azalia and I was like why do you follow her if you don't like her music and he said "for that ass." I am having trouble getting over this and have always found i have issues with this. Like if people tell me they like stretch marks and cellulite, which I have but follow all these women with like perfect bodies because they like looking at them then really they are just lying to me, they prefer that perfection but are settling for my cellulite. I've been working on this pain since yesterday and it distracts me from taking care of my kids and work, I am trying to get over it, but I hate it so much and media protrayal of beauty has always hurt me and I think it is objectifying, but he does not think so , he thinks it is innocent but I know it contributes to so many girls and women hating ourselves/bodies. How do people who arent bothered by this do it? I know ways to cope but it's not working right now. Thanks yall for being here!
 
I agree with you that a lot of media and advertising is about objectification. That being said, just because we appreciate looking at different people or things, it doesn't mean we don't appreciate what we have. I can't imagine anyone leaving their partner for a pop star.

Your feelings stem from low self esteem issues. I can't tell you how to deal with that. Maybe start with believing your boyfriend.
 
While the media does push a certain kind of beauty, and sometimes is objectifying, this doesn't seem to be about that to me.

I mean, is your partner in the HABIT of lying to you? Then the bigger problem is a lying partner, not what media he looks at.

If he is NOT in the habit of lying? He honestly does love your body how it is? Then the problem is you not giving yourself permission to really BELIEVE that. Then looking for "evidence" that he is "lying" while devaluing your own body and projecting it on him.

How do people who arent bothered by this do it?

In general? I live in a comfortable middle aged body with the usual scars, bumps, and lumps that come with the age and with had kids. I don't exercise enough and I probably could eat better. Do I feel beautiful? Sure. I am silver hair streaked, middled aged beautiful and that's good enough. My value is not in my looks alone. I have humor, wit, skills... lots to offer. I know I'm gonna get old and no, I'm not ever gonna be a 30 yr old celeb like Iggy Azalia. It's not my job to be a performer like her and deal with the staff her job requires. Which includes working with make up people, fashion people, photo and video people and whatever else.

I don't have to sweat that. I'm just a regular ol' person. Not a celeb.

I don't know what you need to decide and believe you are good enough as you are and to believe you don't have to be sweating that. I suspect though, that it's going to be hard to hold yourself in high esteem if you spend your time thinking stuff like this.

Like if people tell me they like stretch marks and cellulite, which I have but follow all these women with like perfect bodies because they like looking at them then really they are just lying to me, they prefer that perfection but are settling for my cellulite.

What do you need to feel like you are good enough? What behavior could you start/stop doing?

Galagirl
 
Thanks everyone, just talking helps, I guess getting better self esteem and self love, stop thinking of the negative and look at the positive and what I can be grateful for
 
Hi Violet,

I think the thing you have to remember is, that the world of pop and fashion makes us have unrealistic expectations about ourselves. I feel it even as a man. I don't have the looks of Johnny Depp or Vin Diesel. It's unfair to make us feel like we have to have this "perfect" body. Because honestly? to me, those supermodels look too much like skeletons. I would rather see and appreciate an overweight woman than I would an underweight woman. As far as looks even matter. Truth be told, personality and character are more important than that. Your boyfriend is being very shallow when he follows someone "for her ass." What if Iggy Azalea is a bad person? Does that even matter to him? It should.

You might appreciate someone's looks, but that doesn't mean you would automatically want to date them. Getting involved with somebody definitely calls for honesty and fun; without that, looks aren't worth much. Plus as polyamory has taught us, it is possible to be infatuated with more than one person. Maybe one person is on the heavy side, another person is on the light side. A person can be infatuated by both of those people, hopefully that is what is going on with your boyfriend. Although, the way he talks, it kind of objectifies Iggy. I don't think she would like to date him, with that kind of attitude. "For that ass." That's very crude. Is that all Iggy is? a piece of ass?

Anyway, those are my thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks, I just felt it was a very not nice comment to say to me and immature, thank you for recognizing that.
Also what are folks thoughts on the fact that I don't feel that he is affectionate enough? I love him so I stay with him, but I have brought it up a couple times and he feels like I don't appreciate anything he does. I brought it up after we spent the day together with my kids (he doesn't have any) and also I said I kind of feel guilty because he wants more alone time with me and its hard because of the kids. He said me saying that made him not sleep all night and think about whether he wants to be with me and my kids and he doesn't feel like he does. That night we didn't really have any affection and he said he was too tired for sex even though we didn't have sex for 2 or 3 days (We've been together for 3 months), he didn't want to cuddle either but he said it was because he was too hot.
He said watching me parent my kids all day is a turn off and he doesn't want to even put his arm around me or sit next to me when they are around because he doesn't feel comfortable, which I understand but I thought since after the kids where in bed we would cuddle and have sex because we finally have alone time.( but he comes when they are there because he doesn't get much time with me when they are with me otherwise). Any way he said his friends ask him why he is with someone who is older and someone who has kids (i'm 42 and he's 28) and that and me asking him about getting more affection make him feel that this isn't what he really wants but he loves me so he doesnt know what to do, we are going to talk more when I can get a babysitter and go see him in person. I'm really hurt by this and considering breaking up with him and I am sure he is considering the same, but I really don't want to, I'm sad because he just wants to give up when we just started to acclamate him and the kids.
Did I do too much by letting him know multiple times that I need more affection? I understand him thinking that this is saying that everything else he does does not matter but also i don't want to remain silent about my feelings, although maybe i should because I have decided to accept him the way he is and that's not very affectionate, but sometimes its hard not to say anything.
 
Hi Violet,

I think it is important to be able to express your feelings in a relationship; you can say, "I appreciate all that you do for me, I really do, I just need more affection, I really do." To help the "medicine go down," you could specify which particular things you appreciate about him; this way he knows you're not just saying it. For example you could say, "You're so good with my kids, and I really appreciate that." What are the good things that he does? Give that some thought, and put some emphasis on it when you do ask for more affection.

I do not think that you are ready to break up with him. There are areas where you would like to see him do better, but overall most of the things about him appeal to you, and you should remind him of that, whenever you do ask for anything in an area where he has fallen short. These are just some thoughts I have ...

Sincerely
Kevin T.
 
Also what are folks thoughts on the fact that I don't feel that he is affectionate enough? I love him so I stay with him, but I have brought it up a couple times and he feels like I don't appreciate anything he does. I brought it up after we spent the day together with my kids (he doesn't have any) and also I said I kind of feel guilty because he wants more alone time with me and its hard because of the kids. He said me saying that made him not sleep all night and think about whether he wants to be with me and my kids and he doesn't feel like he does.

How do you bring it up? Sometimes it's not only what you say but how and when you say it. What words did you use?

Sometimes love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.

If you want touch in general and can meet that need with other poly partners? Then maybe he can be one of your partners and you just don't expect those things from him.

But if you want touch from HIM, and it's not happening? And it hurts? Plus he's not comfortable with the age gap or your kids? Maybe it's just too many things and you both are best breaking up rather than trying to make a kite that doesn't fly... fly anyway. Like take the smaller hurt of breaking and healing instead of endless hurt without end because you stay.

You two have to figure that out. Nobody else can do it for you.

we are going to talk more when I can get a babysitter and go see him in person. I'm really hurt by this and considering breaking up with him and I am sure he is considering the same, but I really don't want to, I'm sad because he just wants to give up when we just started to acclamate him and the kids.

I hope the talk goes ok and you both arrive at some kind of conclusion. If it turns out that this was initially compatible but not deeply compatible? Well... that happens sometimes in dating. Please don't take it like you are not enough or something. Sometimes things just don't line up enough for it to be a long haul runner despite the initial attraction or initial compatibility.

Did I do too much by letting him know multiple times that I need more affection?

No. How else would he know what need if you do not actually say? He can't be a mind reader.

I understand him thinking that this is saying that everything else he does does not matter but also i don't want to remain silent about my feelings

So don't be silent. You could PARTICIPATE fully in the relationship to figure out faster if you are a match or not. Not hold things in, or pretend like it is ok when it isn't. That's not participating fully and it's not esp. honest relating.

although maybe i should because I have decided to accept him the way he is and that's not very affectionate, but sometimes its hard not to say anything.

Right now being here sounds painful for you. Not enough touch. Feeling bad about his comments on your looks. Feeling weird because he's not into your kids. Where they are going to be a big part of your life for the next X years -- you can't pretend you are single and child free.

You are thinking of ending it. So it he.

So why would you want to shrink yourself and not say anything jsut to keep him around so you can keep on feeling. nrgh around him?

I imagine you are both perfectly nice people. But don't shrink yourself.

You can accept him how he is, accept you how you are, and accept this relationship just doesn't line up right now.

Galagirl
 
I checked out some online images of Iggy Azalea. She actually does, or did, have cellulite in the pix I saw. haha Maybe she had some cosmetic surgery more recently to get rid of it. All models, musicians, and movie stars have imperfections that camera angles, lighting and photoshopping cover up. No one is perfect. No one. And the older we get, the less perfect we are. I'm sure your bf isn't a perfect beauty either.

That said, in polyamory, the choice in partners (or crushes, or wank material) is not either/or. It's yes/and. If my nesting partner and I see someone attractive, or have a crush, we actually acknowledge and applaud the cute person. We don't get competitive. If we do feel a ding, we mention it and get a compliment or a snuggle/kiss/sex for reassurance. :)

It sounds like you wanted to move up the "relationship escalator" with your bf. You went from "get a babysitter, go on romantic one-on-one dates," to "hang out with the kids." He doesn't seem interested in this stage. If you want to keep him around as a bf, it sounds like you'd need to step back to the "get a babysitter/romantic date" stage.

His lack of affection may be brought on by what he thinks is appropriate around your kids. And he may see you more as a mom now and less as a sex partner. Of course, you can be both. All couples with kids may go through this stage. Sex takes energy and it takes seeing your partner as sexy, despite, or because of, their parental status.
 
Back
Top