Also what are folks thoughts on the fact that I don't feel that he is affectionate enough? I love him so I stay with him, but I have brought it up a couple times and he feels like I don't appreciate anything he does. I brought it up after we spent the day together with my kids (he doesn't have any) and also I said I kind of feel guilty because he wants more alone time with me and its hard because of the kids. He said me saying that made him not sleep all night and think about whether he wants to be with me and my kids and he doesn't feel like he does.
How do you bring it up? Sometimes it's not only what you say but how and when you say it. What words did you use?
Sometimes love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.
If you want touch in general and can meet that need with other poly partners? Then maybe he can be one of your partners and you just don't expect those things from him.
But if you want touch from HIM, and it's not happening? And it hurts? Plus he's not comfortable with the age gap or your kids? Maybe it's just too many things and you both are best breaking up rather than trying to make a kite that doesn't fly... fly anyway. Like take the smaller hurt of breaking and healing instead of endless hurt without end because you stay.
You two have to figure that out. Nobody else can do it for you.
we are going to talk more when I can get a babysitter and go see him in person. I'm really hurt by this and considering breaking up with him and I am sure he is considering the same, but I really don't want to, I'm sad because he just wants to give up when we just started to acclamate him and the kids.
I hope the talk goes ok and you both arrive at some kind of conclusion. If it turns out that this was initially compatible but not deeply compatible? Well... that happens sometimes in dating. Please don't take it like you are not enough or something. Sometimes things just don't line up enough for it to be a long haul runner despite the initial attraction or initial compatibility.
Did I do too much by letting him know multiple times that I need more affection?
No. How else would he know what need if you do not actually say? He can't be a mind reader.
I understand him thinking that this is saying that everything else he does does not matter but also i don't want to remain silent about my feelings
So don't be silent. You could PARTICIPATE fully in the relationship to figure out faster if you are a match or not. Not hold things in, or pretend like it is ok when it isn't. That's not participating fully and it's not esp. honest relating.
although maybe i should because I have decided to accept him the way he is and that's not very affectionate, but sometimes its hard not to say anything.
Right now being here sounds painful for you. Not enough touch. Feeling bad about his comments on your looks. Feeling weird because he's not into your kids. Where they are going to be a big part of your life for the next X years -- you can't pretend you are single and child free.
You are thinking of ending it. So it he.
So why would you want to shrink yourself and not say anything jsut to keep him around so you can keep on feeling. nrgh around him?
I imagine you are both perfectly nice people. But don't shrink yourself.
You can accept him how he is, accept you how you are, and accept this relationship just doesn't line up right now.
Galagirl