Solo Poly..?

tdh

Active member
Would be curious on your takes about "Solo Poly", what you know, what are some false claims about it, do you know anyone practicing, positives vs negatives, etc... Found a really good definition on https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/:

Solo polyamory: Flipping these words around, polyamory is, broadly speaking, one approach to engaging in (or being open to having) ethically nonexclusive relationships involving sex, romance, or deep emotional intimacy. What distinguishes solo poly people is that we generally do not have intimate relationships which involve (or are heading toward) primary-style merging of life infrastructure or identity along the lines of the traditional social relationship escalator. For instance, we generally don’t share a home or finances with any intimate partners. Similarly, solo poly people generally don’t identify very strongly as part of a couple (or triad etc.); we prefer to operate and present ourselves as individuals.

Been mulling over what a Solo poly life would be like and curious what people know about it.
 
It's just a lifestyle choice really. There are pros and cons. One thing that I see happen is that some solo people do not want the burdensome part of living with a partner, but still want all of the perks that come with that sort of relationship.

Like, say you have a husband lives with his spouse, has kids, family commitments with parents and in-laws and pets. That guy is going to be tied to his home for more reasons than being with his spouse and spending romantic time together. A solo poly person who also wants to spend most of their time with dating partners doing intimate/sexual stuff will be left out of that major part of their lives.

Another example is this pandemic. When we have all had to isolate, solo poly people have often been cut off from partners because they live alone or with house mates.

I think if you meet someone and they've already got all these things going on and they dont increase their commitments, you can find some sort of stable. But if you're a bit younger and the people you meet are more child rearing/marriage age, the chances of their life shifting significantly over the midterm future is high. They cant feasibly say what they'll be able to offer you when the next big thing happens.

A sad example is a guy who assured his partner that sleepovers would be able to resume once the baby sleeps through the night at 6 months old. His baby had issues which meant they were still not consistently sleeping through the night at 5 years old. Of course this could have been as problematic for a similarly married and parenting partner he had but they might have been either more able to tolerate it when it did or even less likely to believe he could be so sure if they had parenting experience. But so could a solo poly parent. So it isn't that solo people are missing something exactly, but it can add another dimension to potential issues like these.
 
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Hi tdh,

We have a few solo polyamorists here who are active, I just don't remember their usernames at the moment. Generally my perception is that a solo polyamorist's life will tend to be simpler than, say, that of a polyamorist with a nesting partner. A solo polyamorist has more flexibility and freedom. On the other hand, it makes sense to say that Covid-19 has caused problems for many of the solo polyamorists out there. For any polyamorists, really, who were dating outside the home, and now maybe can't. We're all now limited to our nesting partners, is what I'm trying to say, or at least dates outside the home are more limited/awkward.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I'm solo poly. For me that just means keeping my living arrangements and finances separate from my romantic/sexual relationships, and relating to partners in ways that reject the idea of forming a "couple" unit.

I live separately from my partner of almost nine years. It works really well for us. The daily annoyances of shared living don't impact our relationship. We each keep our house exactly the way we like it (his is very messy, LOL). And it's a great way to do polyamorous dating--he can have other partners sleep over without checking in with me (and vice versa) and I don't have to interact with them if I don't want to.

For me, being solo is an inherent part of who I am, totally separate from poly/non-monogamy. I am a solitary introverted writer by nature and value my autonomy and alone time. If I were monogamous and/or believed in legal marriage, I would probably want to be in a Living Apart Together marriage (this is a label for some married couples who are happy, and wealthy enough, to live in separate households). I just can't stand having a partner permanently in my living space. I spent most of my life bewildered by other people's cohabiting relationships.

My partner doesn't identify as solo--he likes having someone always around in his living space. But he never met a compatible partner for living together until he developed a platonic domestic partnership with one of his best friends. She is also a very independent poly person who doesn't want to entangle her living space and finances with a partner. So she and my partner created a platonic nesting relationship that works for them. They are actually in the process of moving out of a cramped apartment into a house with a lot of bedrooms to accommodate their separate spaces, friend guests, and visiting romantic partners. (Her primary boyfriend is also solo poly and co-owns a different house with platonic friends).

It has definitely been tricky to coordinate COVID-safe visiting with all these different households. But that's the ONLY disadvantage of being solo that I've found so far, for me.
 
Thanks everyone for responding so far. Learning a lot!

Like, say you have a husband lives with his spouse, has kids, family commitments with parents and in-laws and pets. That guy is going to be tied to his home for more reasons than being with his spouse and spending romantic time together. A solo poly person who also wants to spend most of their time with dating partners doing intimate/sexual stuff will be left out of that major part of their lives.
Interesting point. For some reason I had it more in my head they may participate still in the family stuff from time to time but just not the day-to-day. Maybe even stay for extended time at both locations but also have clear time apart. There is a level of ease of access for connection in nesting or cohabitating partnerships for connections. When I think of poly for most of my time I think more of the long term goal of combining living. One question to ask is, "How involved in your partners lives do you want to be?" hmmmmm....

Generally my perception is that a solo polyamorist's life will tend to be simpler than, say, that of a polyamorist with a nesting partner. A solo polyamorist has more flexibility and freedom. On the other hand, it makes sense to say that Covid-19 has caused problems for many of the solo polyamorists out there.
Could you define simpler solo vs simpler netings in more detail? It feels like a big general idea I am having a self argument on what is simpler or what is means. Some examples might be helpful.

The daily annoyances of shared living don't impact our relationship. We each keep our house exactly the way we like it (his is very messy, LOL). And it's a great way to do polyamorous dating--he can have other partners sleep over without checking in with me (and vice versa) and I don't have to interact with them if I don't want to.
Had not considered the having people over part being an issue. I am an extrovert so seeing/meeting new people is exciting for me. But not dealing with daily annoyances or being the annoye is an appealing idea. Do you all do holidays, birthdays, long term stay overs or trips together too?

My partner doesn't identify as solo--he likes having someone always around in his living space. But he never met a compatible partner for living together until he developed a platonic domestic partnership with one of his best friends. She is also a very independent poly person who doesn't want to entangle her living space and finances with a partner. So she and my partner created a platonic nesting relationship that works for them. They are actually in the process of moving out of a cramped apartment into a house with a lot of bedrooms to accommodate their separate spaces, friend guests, and visiting romantic partners. (Her primary boyfriend is also solo poly and co-owns a different house with platonic friends).
Now this is really interesting and is a creative solution to the regular poly person. You find good roommates basically that get along as your living situation/financial/day-to-day entanglements with but then love/romantic/sexual are all outside of the home. Food for throught.

All three of you also mentioned COVID-safe visiting being an issue for anyone who isn't in the home but for a couple who presents as a traditional couple but is poly or any type of ethical non-monogamy, that is a problem with right now right? Or is it saying is there is loneliness where getting the normal together time just isn't possible even if you are both following all the right COVID rules?

Thanks again for the replies!
 
Interesting point. For some reason I had it more in my head they may participate still in the family stuff from time to time but just not the day-to-day. Maybe even stay for extended time at both locations but also have clear time apart.

Well that's person and situation dependent. At least 3 people have to agree that works for them with the other 2 people involved.

In terms of Covid, it might mean that you can't bubble with more than one non-nesting partner or that one partner raises the risk of another partner too far through little or no fault of their own. For example, I could be high risk and because my nesting partner lives with me, she can't see her other partner who has a frontline job even though her risk status is low and she would see them if I wasn't so vulnerable. It's enforced a sort of hierarchy that many nesting couples have been able to circumvent until this happened.
 
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It's enforced a sort of hierarchy that many nesting couples have been able to circumvent until this happened.
This statement blew my mind with an audible, "Wow!". It does show a privilege or potential hierarchy with the stay at home orders. Its out of all party controls but there is only so many zoom or phone calls but it isn't the same as kissing, touching, and in person connection. The nesting or cohabitating partner gets that previlate (if an intimate partner) by default.
 
Interesting point. For some reason I had it more in my head they may participate still in the family stuff from time to time but just not the day-to-day. Maybe even stay for extended time at both locations but also have clear time apart. There is a level of ease of access for connection in nesting or cohabitating partnerships for connections. When I think of poly for most of my time I think more of the long term goal of combining living. One question to ask is, "How involved in your partners lives do you want to be?" hmmmmm....

I think it depends on the individuals in the relationship(s) and why they are solo, and how their respective households are set up. And other logistics in their lives--where their workplace is relative to their partner's house, whether they have other family caretaking duties.

Some solo poly people are single parents and choose not to live with partners in order to prioritize their children's living space. Others, like me, have eldercare duties--I take care of my dad who has Parkinson's. Others live alone because it's the best way to manage their own mental health issues or whatever.

Could you define simpler solo vs simpler netings in more detail? It feels like a big general idea I am having a self argument on what is simpler or what is means. Some examples might be helpful.
I disagree with SeasonedPoly's generalization that solo poly people have simpler lives than people with nesting partners. See above--solo poly people have their own obligations the same as everyone else--children, eldercare, illness/disability/mental health. Sometimes it can be challenging to manage all that without a live-in partner, even if it's our choice not to have a live-in partner (if that makes sense).

But yes, I do think that being poly can be simpler when you are solo because of the freedom to date without impacting your other partners' daily life. In that sense, yes, it's simpler to choose who I see and when without consulting a live-in partner.

Had not considered the having people over part being an issue. I am an extrovert so seeing/meeting new people is exciting for me. But not dealing with daily annoyances or being the annoye is an appealing idea. Do you all do holidays, birthdays, long term stay overs or trips together too?

We do some holidays together. My partner is Jewish and does a big Passover seder (pre-COVID) which I usually attend, but can't always because it's often a weeknight and my job is in a city an hour away. He doesn't like Christmas much but he sometimes joins me and my family for our big Christmas (pre-COVID, not happening this year). Thanksgiving we have done separately, together, or with friends, in various ways over the past 9 years. New Year's, he hosts a big party, which I sometimes attend but other times someone else he's dating is his date. For his birthday, he likes a big party (which I attend, sometimes with his other partners) and for my birthday we often go on a little trip together.

Pre-COVID we did travel together for weekend getaways, and we had a big romantic trip to Venice planned for March 2020 (cancelled obviously!). I like international travel more than him and previously I would take an annual trip on my own (either solo or with my own friends or with my aunt). He goes to Burning Man and similar events (which you could not pay me to attend!) on his own/with his own friends.

So, in some ways we are incompatible for a lot of traveling together, same was we are incompatible to live together. I like to tour archaeology sites and museums, he likes dancing, music, and recreational drugs. I'd like to read a book on a beach or by a lake, he'd want to be out clubbing every night. (One thing I am looking for in another partner is more compatibility for traveling--but I have never had much sexual chemistry with fellow introverts! And he's looking for a fellow extrovert for romance--but he hasn't found a stable relationship with one yet).

As for extended stays at each other' homes--it's been tricky because he's always lived in a cramped city apartment, first with random roommates and then with his platonic domestic partner. I have sleeping issues and often don't sleep well if I can't have my own bed after a couple nights. Plus my work is an hour away from his apartment in heavy traffic, so I never stayed there longer than a weekend. Meanwhile, I live in a large country house with my elderly parents, who can be annoying, and my partner gets bored if he spends more than a couple days there.

Now that he and his roommate are getting a new house, and now that I'm able to telework, I am excited for the potential for longer stays. I'll have a bedroom there that I can use for my sleeping problems and as a peaceful place for my telework and my creative writing. However, my dad has been needing more care lately, so that will be a limiting factor in how long I can get away from my own home.

Now this is really interesting and is a creative solution to the regular poly person. You find good roommates basically that get along as your living situation/financial/day-to-day entanglements with but then love/romantic/sexual are all outside of the home. Food for throught.

Yes, right! Although I would add that my partner and his roommate do love each other platonically. They truly are platonic life partners. I consider her a platonic metamour.

All three of you also mentioned COVID-safe visiting being an issue for anyone who isn't in the home but for a couple who presents as a traditional couple but is poly or any type of ethical non-monogamy, that is a problem with right now right? Or is it saying is there is loneliness where getting the normal together time just isn't possible even if you are both following all the right COVID rules?

Actually now that you mention it, I don't think being solo has necessarily caused me more COVID-related inconvenience than just being poly in general. Like, it would be easier to see my partner during COVID if I lived with him monogamously, sure. But just living in separate households could be a regular poly thing not a specifically solo poly thing. If I lived with a partner and had another non-nesting partner who lived with HIS partner and she had another non-nesting partner...that would still be the same 3+ households in the poly network I have now, just with living-together poly couples instead of solo people living with roommates.

(And meanwhile, I know a monogamous guy who moved in with his serious girlfriend and her parents for the pandemic...and everyone in their household has been miserable!)

I think the problem SeasonedPoly is talking about is when a living-together poly couple decides to stop seeing their non-nesting partners because of COVID. Which may be medically necessary. But then it imposes a hierarchy on the non-nesting people who hadn't suffered from being "lesser" before.

Personally, my partner and I have both been relieved that we DON'T live together during COVID. We would drive each other nuts if we lived in the same house! I need quiet and alone time, he needs stimulation and chaos. NOT compatible for being cooped up together.

We did go through a difficult time for the first 3 months of the pandemic--we did not see each other at all--all of us had high-risk people in our households. Longest time we had been apart in 9 years! But that was also true of my family members--I did not see my aunt who lives totally alone for those 3 months, and I still can't see my 103-year-old grandma in her nursing home. So, difficult times regardless of poly.
 
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Kevin said it was simpler, not me. I actually think the opposite and these days, a lot of the people who use that label are anything but simple in their approach to relationships.
Gotcha! Sorry, I mixed up the quotes.
 
This statement blew my mind with an audible, "Wow!". It does show a privilege or potential hierarchy with the stay at home orders. Its out of all party controls but there is only so many zoom or phone calls but it isn't the same as kissing, touching, and in person connection. The nesting or cohabitating partner gets that previlate (if an intimate partner) by default.
That was definitely a problem for the first part of lockdowns for Artist and I - eventually we figured out how to make it work within everyone’s comfort zones, but....
 
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