Interesting point. For some reason I had it more in my head they may participate still in the family stuff from time to time but just not the day-to-day. Maybe even stay for extended time at both locations but also have clear time apart. There is a level of ease of access for connection in nesting or cohabitating partnerships for connections. When I think of poly for most of my time I think more of the long term goal of combining living. One question to ask is, "How involved in your partners lives do you want to be?" hmmmmm....
I think it depends on the individuals in the relationship(s) and why they are solo, and how their respective households are set up. And other logistics in their lives--where their workplace is relative to their partner's house, whether they have other family caretaking duties.
Some solo poly people are single parents and choose not to live with partners in order to prioritize their children's living space. Others, like me, have eldercare duties--I take care of my dad who has Parkinson's. Others live alone because it's the best way to manage their own mental health issues or whatever.
Could you define simpler solo vs simpler netings in more detail? It feels like a big general idea I am having a self argument on what is simpler or what is means. Some examples might be helpful.
I disagree with SeasonedPoly's generalization that solo poly people have simpler lives than people with nesting partners. See above--solo poly people have their own obligations the same as everyone else--children, eldercare, illness/disability/mental health. Sometimes it can be challenging to manage all that without a live-in partner, even if it's our choice not to have a live-in partner (if that makes sense).
But yes, I do think that being poly can be simpler when you are solo because of the freedom to date without impacting your other partners' daily life. In that sense, yes, it's simpler to choose who I see and when without consulting a live-in partner.
Had not considered the having people over part being an issue. I am an extrovert so seeing/meeting new people is exciting for me. But not dealing with daily annoyances or being the annoye is an appealing idea. Do you all do holidays, birthdays, long term stay overs or trips together too?
We do some holidays together. My partner is Jewish and does a big Passover seder (pre-COVID) which I usually attend, but can't always because it's often a weeknight and my job is in a city an hour away. He doesn't like Christmas much but he sometimes joins me and my family for our big Christmas (pre-COVID, not happening this year). Thanksgiving we have done separately, together, or with friends, in various ways over the past 9 years. New Year's, he hosts a big party, which I sometimes attend but other times someone else he's dating is his date. For his birthday, he likes a big party (which I attend, sometimes with his other partners) and for my birthday we often go on a little trip together.
Pre-COVID we did travel together for weekend getaways, and we had a big romantic trip to Venice planned for March 2020 (cancelled obviously!). I like international travel more than him and previously I would take an annual trip on my own (either solo or with my own friends or with my aunt). He goes to Burning Man and similar events (which you could not pay me to attend!) on his own/with his own friends.
So, in some ways we are incompatible for a lot of traveling together, same was we are incompatible to live together. I like to tour archaeology sites and museums, he likes dancing, music, and recreational drugs. I'd like to read a book on a beach or by a lake, he'd want to be out clubbing every night. (One thing I am looking for in another partner is more compatibility for traveling--but I have never had much sexual chemistry with fellow introverts! And he's looking for a fellow extrovert for romance--but he hasn't found a stable relationship with one yet).
As for extended stays at each other' homes--it's been tricky because he's always lived in a cramped city apartment, first with random roommates and then with his platonic domestic partner. I have sleeping issues and often don't sleep well if I can't have my own bed after a couple nights. Plus my work is an hour away from his apartment in heavy traffic, so I never stayed there longer than a weekend. Meanwhile, I live in a large country house with my elderly parents, who can be annoying, and my partner gets bored if he spends more than a couple days there.
Now that he and his roommate are getting a new house, and now that I'm able to telework, I am excited for the potential for longer stays. I'll have a bedroom there that I can use for my sleeping problems and as a peaceful place for my telework and my creative writing. However, my dad has been needing more care lately, so that will be a limiting factor in how long I can get away from my own home.
Now this is really interesting and is a creative solution to the regular poly person. You find good roommates basically that get along as your living situation/financial/day-to-day entanglements with but then love/romantic/sexual are all outside of the home. Food for throught.
Yes, right! Although I would add that my partner and his roommate do love each other platonically. They truly are platonic life partners. I consider her a platonic metamour.
All three of you also mentioned COVID-safe visiting being an issue for anyone who isn't in the home but for a couple who presents as a traditional couple but is poly or any type of ethical non-monogamy, that is a problem with right now right? Or is it saying is there is loneliness where getting the normal together time just isn't possible even if you are both following all the right COVID rules?
Actually now that you mention it, I don't think being solo has necessarily caused me more COVID-related inconvenience than just being poly in general. Like, it would be easier to see my partner during COVID if I lived with him monogamously, sure. But just living in separate households could be a regular poly thing not a specifically solo poly thing. If I lived with a partner and had another non-nesting partner who lived with HIS partner and she had another non-nesting partner...that would still be the same 3+ households in the poly network I have now, just with living-together poly couples instead of solo people living with roommates.
(And meanwhile, I know a monogamous guy who moved in with his serious girlfriend and her parents for the pandemic...and everyone in their household has been miserable!)
I think the problem SeasonedPoly is talking about is when a living-together poly couple decides to stop seeing their non-nesting partners because of COVID. Which may be medically necessary. But then it imposes a hierarchy on the non-nesting people who hadn't suffered from being "lesser" before.
Personally, my partner and I have both been relieved that we DON'T live together during COVID. We would drive each other nuts if we lived in the same house! I need quiet and alone time, he needs stimulation and chaos. NOT compatible for being cooped up together.
We did go through a difficult time for the first 3 months of the pandemic--we did not see each other at all--all of us had high-risk people in our households. Longest time we had been apart in 9 years! But that was also true of my family members--I did not see my aunt who lives totally alone for those 3 months, and I still can't see my 103-year-old grandma in her nursing home. So, difficult times regardless of poly.