SoeurSage
New member
Hello there! I'm a bit new to poly and just found this forum. I don't know if my situation is rare or common, but I haven't been able to find any kind of guidance online because it seems to me like we're sort of unique?
About a month ago, my husband (let's call him Kale) met a woman (let's call her Basil) who was married (let's call hubs Oak) with three very young kids (we have a 5 yo too). The similarities to our two relationships is SO crazy. We met very young (before 20), had strife, worked through it, became strong as a couple, got married, had kids, and within the past few years started wholeheartedly working on self discovery and things like this and admitted to being poly. It's so weird, like this couple has SO MANY things that we just vibe with, like our own traits and likes and stuff mixed and redistributed in Basil and Oak. I mean, we fucking LOVE these guys as people, poly aside they are RAD. We are all grown adults with LOTS of experience in maintaining our solid marriages, and I mean SOLID. Kale and I have been together for 25 years and Basil and Oak for like 13. Within FOUR DAYS we all knew our families were intertwined for life. (We are now at a month, tomorrow.) It's been so wonderful that we've practically moved to their (bigger) house half of the time. No one wants to NOT be together. Oak and I are not in a romantic relationship, but are open to it if it develops over time. Kale and Basil are both adults and recognize their love for each other from their strong love and bonds with Oak and I, so we ALL know this is the real thing.
So the real issue is this. I don't want my Kale's first time with another woman, who he is head over heals in love with, to be in our bed. I don't mind after that, I just don't want to think of that special occasion every time we lay down for our own intimate time. Oak has a rule that Basil can't have sex in their bedroom, and Kale must wear a condom. No one has really had other sex, so STDs are pretty much out of the question (but we're willing to get tested just in case). There has been some bedroom oral fun a few times when we spent the night, but no sex between anyone. The main issue is that Kale desperately wants to make love to Basil, but without a place, it's seeming more and more impossible. No one has money for a hotel, and Kale has issues where the expectation of having a hotel, plus the awkwardness of a condom when he's never had to use one before, will kill the mood and he's afraid he won't be able to perform. They are SOOOOO in love and I want to support them. But it's gotten to a point where they just need to do the deed and solidify that bond. There's just a location and timing issue.
We just talked about pausing the fun times until Basil and Kale can have their experience, and that's TOTALLY fine (actually preferred) with me. But it's hard for them to even get a moment alone, much less a date or a night alone where they are free to have sex if they want to.
I've never heard of another poly relationship where two families are fusing together so hardcore, where the center couple can't even BE a real couple. Their kids are calling Kale and I mom and dad, and I'm getting to be a mother to their 3 yo and oh man everything is so beautiful. But Basil and Kale NEED their time alone to solidify their bond, and to have that beautiful making love moment.
The stress of their not having a time or place, plus the whole condom issue, is really causing a problem, to the point where I'm willing to give up the sacredness of our bed so they can have their time. I'm just worried what it will do when I have to think about them sharing that special experience every time Kale and I go to have sex. I don't want him to be thinking about her when he's about to have sex with me. They tried to fool around in Basil and Oak's bedroom, and Oak walked in while they were um having oral fun and Kale said it was SO awkward for both he and Oak.
Does anyone have any advice at all? I don't know any other poly people around me so I don't really have anyone to ask. I've been listening to podcasts for over a year now, and no one else seems to have this kind of merging families situation where the place to have sex is a real problem. (The condom issue is just an extra added bonus, LOL.)
Thanks everyone for any advice you can give.
About a month ago, my husband (let's call him Kale) met a woman (let's call her Basil) who was married (let's call hubs Oak) with three very young kids (we have a 5 yo too). The similarities to our two relationships is SO crazy. We met very young (before 20), had strife, worked through it, became strong as a couple, got married, had kids, and within the past few years started wholeheartedly working on self discovery and things like this and admitted to being poly. It's so weird, like this couple has SO MANY things that we just vibe with, like our own traits and likes and stuff mixed and redistributed in Basil and Oak. I mean, we fucking LOVE these guys as people, poly aside they are RAD. We are all grown adults with LOTS of experience in maintaining our solid marriages, and I mean SOLID. Kale and I have been together for 25 years and Basil and Oak for like 13. Within FOUR DAYS we all knew our families were intertwined for life. (We are now at a month, tomorrow.) It's been so wonderful that we've practically moved to their (bigger) house half of the time. No one wants to NOT be together. Oak and I are not in a romantic relationship, but are open to it if it develops over time. Kale and Basil are both adults and recognize their love for each other from their strong love and bonds with Oak and I, so we ALL know this is the real thing.
So the real issue is this. I don't want my Kale's first time with another woman, who he is head over heals in love with, to be in our bed. I don't mind after that, I just don't want to think of that special occasion every time we lay down for our own intimate time. Oak has a rule that Basil can't have sex in their bedroom, and Kale must wear a condom. No one has really had other sex, so STDs are pretty much out of the question (but we're willing to get tested just in case). There has been some bedroom oral fun a few times when we spent the night, but no sex between anyone. The main issue is that Kale desperately wants to make love to Basil, but without a place, it's seeming more and more impossible. No one has money for a hotel, and Kale has issues where the expectation of having a hotel, plus the awkwardness of a condom when he's never had to use one before, will kill the mood and he's afraid he won't be able to perform. They are SOOOOO in love and I want to support them. But it's gotten to a point where they just need to do the deed and solidify that bond. There's just a location and timing issue.
We just talked about pausing the fun times until Basil and Kale can have their experience, and that's TOTALLY fine (actually preferred) with me. But it's hard for them to even get a moment alone, much less a date or a night alone where they are free to have sex if they want to.
I've never heard of another poly relationship where two families are fusing together so hardcore, where the center couple can't even BE a real couple. Their kids are calling Kale and I mom and dad, and I'm getting to be a mother to their 3 yo and oh man everything is so beautiful. But Basil and Kale NEED their time alone to solidify their bond, and to have that beautiful making love moment.
The stress of their not having a time or place, plus the whole condom issue, is really causing a problem, to the point where I'm willing to give up the sacredness of our bed so they can have their time. I'm just worried what it will do when I have to think about them sharing that special experience every time Kale and I go to have sex. I don't want him to be thinking about her when he's about to have sex with me. They tried to fool around in Basil and Oak's bedroom, and Oak walked in while they were um having oral fun and Kale said it was SO awkward for both he and Oak.
Does anyone have any advice at all? I don't know any other poly people around me so I don't really have anyone to ask. I've been listening to podcasts for over a year now, and no one else seems to have this kind of merging families situation where the place to have sex is a real problem. (The condom issue is just an extra added bonus, LOL.)
Thanks everyone for any advice you can give.