Hey guys! Thank you for your kind advice and comments.
I'll admit I've been feeling overwhelmed by the situation and reading Seasoned's comment was triggering so I almost wanted to delete my thread but I also think this is a situation that doesn't get talked about openly and often enough and I do feel that for me, the sexual side of my relationships has always shifted as things go on (from my side more than my partner's). I do understand that my post may be triggering for some as well because it feels so painful to be rejected and of course I could have been more ethical myself (ah but I'm moving forward a better human)! It feels hard to know if I "am poly" I mean - how do you know that? I definitely feel in love with both my partners and really want this to work. I have transitioned to poly from monogamy and I have doubts that I would ever want to go back because poly makes more sense to me.
In any case your words of comfort are deeply appreciated as I am trying to own my feelings and actions and move through this with as much grace and compassion as I can. There have been some hard lessons here but so much good learning and I am all in for the growth.
I am currently feeling so much grief but I do feel very supported and grateful for the things I have. I have an anxious attachment style and ADD and I'm only just now learning these things about myself at 36. SO helpful to understand and grow tools and compassion for myself.
You seem to be implying you leave relationships 3-5 years in, once sex slows down. I was in a 30 year relationship, and my ex husband and I had periods of very frequent sex, followed by long spells of infrequent sex, and then followed by more frequency, back and forth. We did not break up because of lack of sex. On the contrary, we were in a spell of daily sex when we called it quits lol
Thanks Magdyln - yes! Pre-poly I was a serial monogamist and had what I consider a string of successful relationships but the NRE would fade and the sex would get lack-lustre and I would find myself looking at others after living together for a while (which is normal but in monogamy is taboo). I always was so obsessed with my music career that my relationships often felt secondary. I'd have multiple original projects too and that required a lot of the same skills as poly. I'd go away on tour and be very focused on the present moment - I didn't miss my partners while away, I was living my dream! I was grateful for Mick to be taken care of and having fun with others, it worked well! When Daine came along things finally felt complete and poly made a lot of sense. I could tour with him and have crazy romantic music adventures, come home to Mick and get grounded and enjoy our stable, safe home. I'm learning to be more honest/vulnerable with myself and others now and my current relationships have the deepest connections I have felt yet. Lately it feels hard to remain open and honest because I'm always sad and he seems fine.
It's really a bummer that Aus is choosing his new gf over you for sex now. But nobody said LDRs weren't difficult. He's choosing the bird in hand for now. NRE is compelling, and real life sex is usually better than cyber.
You've got a bird in hand in Mick. Do you tend to get stuck in a rut with longer term partners? Did the excitement of touring only occasionally with Aus make the sex more exciting?
Yes it is heart-wrenching but of course I understand what's happening with Aus. I can't really blame him - I'm sure I'd feel similarly. NRE is powerful stuff. I do get stuck in ruts and yes to all! This arrangement was working really well because it kept both my relationships more exciting. Gave Mick and I space to appreciate each other and Aus is someone I can pursue my career dream with and such a good match for me in the way we like to operate and our life goals. I have never been with someone so compatible in that sense and I have been seeking exactly this but I wouldn't want to be with him full-time (the breaks keep it fresh and the LDR part works well as long as it's 6 months or less)! Mick is definitely an amazing nesting partner and I have been more grateful than ever for his companionship. Thanks for your suggestions I will try those things!
Have you read Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity? she has a LOT to say about why as intimacy in a relationship increases over time, attraction and sexuality often decrease. I found it very helpful.
Thanks Ice Song I will take a look at that!
It sounds like Aus is very deep in NRE with the new girl he is dating. I don't think there's a lot you can do about that, you just have to wait for the NRE to die down. In the meantime, can you and Mick go on some dates together? It might help the two of you feel closer, and maybe more interested in sex. It's a difficult situation you're in; I don't envy you.
Thank you Kevin! Yes one thing that has really helped Mick and I is to set regular weekly date night (I have that with each partner and it has really been helpful). I would say our relationship is in a good place besides a dwindling sexual connection. We are very loving with each other and compatible - we have a great shared life, very placid and grounded. Perfect for living together. I have also had other things affecting my mood and my drive. Aus is a kind of escape, my day to day life with Mick feels more "real". I feel I'm living half a life, I can't play live music or engage in my passions, I have discovered I have entered peri-menopause and am infertile, it is not a very sexy time! When things are going well with Aus, it cheers me up and makes me a better partner all around! The question is, how long will this NRE last and will there be anything left in the end?
It's normal to feel a sense of loss when a relationship shifts in a way that we wish it hadn't. Not getting what we want sucks, and I think you should let yourself experience those feelings without beating yourself up
Thank you for saying that Marcus, so well said. I have been trying!
So what I recommend is putting your effort into recognizing the reality that relationships usually change in this way (though I'm sure there are exceptions), and that it is perfectly healthy and normal. This means figuring out a way to keep the "what's wrong with me" poison from spreading.
Thank you. Yes I have been feeling so much turmoil around it and I know I need to find a way to let go and move on and live my life for me. I need to let Aus be free to live his life as he chooses.
I did bring up the situation again with Aus as after a few more attempts at initiating sexy times with him he was clearly changing the subject and uninterested. This time he got a bit cold with me and sounded like he would be ok with the sexual side of our relationship was no longer a focus until we could see each other in person again. He said the online sex and messaging just wasn't his preference - he's better in person. That was very devastating news for me as I actually really love it and get a lot out of it! I also feel that he was really enjoying it until his NRE.
I tried to be loving but clear that I do not think I can continue our relationship if I do not feel desired by him anymore. It's confusing because he says he does love me deeply, finds me attractive and wants all of our dreams "more than anything, without a doubt". He says he knows that when he sees me in person he will still want me sexually just like before and things will re-ignite. I agree I'm sure this would do wonders if we only could! He wants the same future with me but not the same present. He said he really wants to work on it but he didn't know if he could do anything about it and didn't want to make promises he couldn't keep. His ADD makes it really hard to remain focused on us and he's frustrated at feeling like he's always letting me down.
I do know that my behaviour has been a bit desperate and I can't make him want me more by hyper-focusing on us and making him feel guilty. I just feel tortured. It feels like a slow motion car-crash. I want all of these things with him so badly and even though I know all the things I SHOULD do I really don't know how to be honest and vulnerable and true to myself while also giving him space to work things out for himself. We have held on and fought for this for a year creating an album together and working though so many things together. Sometimes I can just focus on myself and my life with Mick and it feels really great - like things could fine! But man, being in lockdown in this situation makes me feel like a bug under a magnifying glass some days.
As I've thought further, I am surprised to learn that stopping the sex may not be a boundary as I had initially thought. Part of me just wants to hang in for it because I love him and if I could have this life it would be the ultimate dream. Both of these guys have said they want to spend their lives with me and are committed to this. On the other hand, actions speak louder than words and Mick is without a doubt dependable, but I am not feeling heart-safe in my relationship with Aus at the moment. I don't think he's lying but he doesn't seem to be able to focus on me or our music and things seem to be changing constantly. He was so all-in and with me and I could definitely depend on him before this pandemic/new relationship... he was the best! Even if we're apart for a few months it's no problem, it always felt like he was putting an effort in and we pulled off some incredible things against the odds. Now I feel more and more left behind.
Sorry for the long spiraly message... I guess I just need to get it out and vent and it feels really good to have other poly people who are so compassionate to talk to. I know I'll move through this and kind of need to just surrender but your input has been helpful. <3