BlueSky
New member
Hoping for some advice from this wonderful board.
My wife (married for 20 years) and I have had plenty of good and supportive discussions about opening our previously monogamous relationship for the past 2 months. She was the initiator. It hurt a lot in the beginning but now I realize it was one of the greatest gifts I have received in being able to be myself and having the freedom I have not had in such a long time.
I have accepted that my wife is poly, she is excited about making new connections, and that makes me happy. Neither of us have been on a date yet. I myself still have some work to do before I would feel comfortable making another romantic connection, but not ruling it out as a possibility in the future.
I love my wife deeply and our relationship on a personal level is the best it has been in our 20 years of marriage. On a pure physical level we have not been intimate for the last 3 months. She is sleeping in another bedroom. She is dealing with childhood trauma with her therapist, and says she does not feel comfortable being physical with me because she is scared it will change our current relationship and fears I may start to feel like I want her to go back to being just my wife (i.e. our old relationship). I have reassured her many times that I don't want that old relationship for either of us. She says she needs her own space right now and I understand that (at the same time I am feeling super frustrated because our emotional connection is so strong right now but I cannot be physical with her).
She says she is still not wanting to start dating because she is afraid she will hurt me. I admit I am not sure how I will feel with her dating others and potentially being physical with them knowing that we cannot be physical with each other right now. She says she does not have any baggage with brand new people which is why she is fine having a physical relationship with them, but because of our long history and baggage she is sorting through she does not want to be physical with me. Obviously we have no way of knowing how long it is going to take her to get to a point where she is able to trust herself fully ( and me) that being physical with me does not mean she will slip back into her old caretaker/wife role.
So right now I am really confused on what to do. Are we doomed if we go ahead and open our marriage while I am waiting around for her to have the relationship with me that I want? She says she wants a physical relationship with me but cannot do that right now. At the same time I don't feel it is fair to ask her to wait to figure out "us" before making connections with new people. I feel like that would just lead to resentment for both of us. I am scared I will end up resenting her if she does start dating others but does not feel comfortable with me.
Hopefully I explained that right, I just feel super confused, frustrated, scared that I will not be up for that extra layer of emotions on top of everything else that may happen. But I also know id we do make it through this tough part our relationship on the other end could be something truly amazing with the way we are communicating and connecting emotionally.
My wife (married for 20 years) and I have had plenty of good and supportive discussions about opening our previously monogamous relationship for the past 2 months. She was the initiator. It hurt a lot in the beginning but now I realize it was one of the greatest gifts I have received in being able to be myself and having the freedom I have not had in such a long time.
I have accepted that my wife is poly, she is excited about making new connections, and that makes me happy. Neither of us have been on a date yet. I myself still have some work to do before I would feel comfortable making another romantic connection, but not ruling it out as a possibility in the future.
I love my wife deeply and our relationship on a personal level is the best it has been in our 20 years of marriage. On a pure physical level we have not been intimate for the last 3 months. She is sleeping in another bedroom. She is dealing with childhood trauma with her therapist, and says she does not feel comfortable being physical with me because she is scared it will change our current relationship and fears I may start to feel like I want her to go back to being just my wife (i.e. our old relationship). I have reassured her many times that I don't want that old relationship for either of us. She says she needs her own space right now and I understand that (at the same time I am feeling super frustrated because our emotional connection is so strong right now but I cannot be physical with her).
She says she is still not wanting to start dating because she is afraid she will hurt me. I admit I am not sure how I will feel with her dating others and potentially being physical with them knowing that we cannot be physical with each other right now. She says she does not have any baggage with brand new people which is why she is fine having a physical relationship with them, but because of our long history and baggage she is sorting through she does not want to be physical with me. Obviously we have no way of knowing how long it is going to take her to get to a point where she is able to trust herself fully ( and me) that being physical with me does not mean she will slip back into her old caretaker/wife role.
So right now I am really confused on what to do. Are we doomed if we go ahead and open our marriage while I am waiting around for her to have the relationship with me that I want? She says she wants a physical relationship with me but cannot do that right now. At the same time I don't feel it is fair to ask her to wait to figure out "us" before making connections with new people. I feel like that would just lead to resentment for both of us. I am scared I will end up resenting her if she does start dating others but does not feel comfortable with me.
Hopefully I explained that right, I just feel super confused, frustrated, scared that I will not be up for that extra layer of emotions on top of everything else that may happen. But I also know id we do make it through this tough part our relationship on the other end could be something truly amazing with the way we are communicating and connecting emotionally.