PizzaHut79
New member
Hi there!
New to the forum and hoping for a space to share some thoughts and questions about my polyamorous partnership, if that’s okay.
Have been intimate and sexual with my polyamorous partner (Tiffany, hinge) for about 16 months. She is married to her partner of 10 years (Paul). She and Paul have a two-year old child together, to whom I have become a de facto third guardian of sorts. The three of us all get along well and enjoy our company, but Brian and I do not engage in affection or romance. We do all engage in sex together; but Tiffany is the attention of both Paul and I. Tiffany and Paul sometimes have sex with just the two of them, but Tiffany and I cannot.
Within the past month we have begun to tell our family and friends about our polyamorous partnership (we were open with our affection in a few, but not many spaces the first 14 months). Tiffany and I have felt seen and validated in this, but Brian has felt unsure and a bit forced by Tiffany to take this step.
I (non-binary, demisexual) have openly hoped to become a third equal partner to Tiffany (pansexual) and Brian (straight man), living in the same home and waking up in the same bed next to Tiffany (with whom I am intimate and sexual with). While Tiffany has been open to that, this week Paul has shared with me that he is not wanting that forever-ness and has felt that is life has become a bit of a runaway train where he is just has to do what Tiffany wants. He shared that he enjoys my friendship a lot, but does not foresee me ever being an equal partner.
Being great friends with Paul I respect and understand that, but my feelings are hurt and I am worried about the misalignment between what we both are wanting long term. I have spent the past 16 months nearly every day with Tiffany, Paul and their child, but not being able to share the same home, bed, nor being able to be seen as “equal” is hard for me to imagine, and thus I have been really emotionally hurt. It feels that Paul may be fine with things staying the way they are to appease Tiffany, and Tiffany is hopeful we can make it work somehow, but I am feeling hesitant and scared to keep hoping for something that Paul does not ever imagine wanting.
I want to stay in both of their lives, especially since I have become so close to them, Tiffany’s family and their child, but it’s also painful to imagine a non-affectionate, non-sexual relationship with Tiffany after how deeply we have fallen in-love.
Tiffany is hoping I can stay patient and wait for things to find a happy three-way solution, but I’ve learned over the past 16 months I want to share a home and bed with my partner or partners, and perhaps now have ambition to have a biological child of my own someday (marriage is still not something I want).
All of this to say, I’m wondering if it makes sense to stay patient and be willing to be hurt about not being “equal” while we navigate what the three of us could look like since I love Tiffany and enjoy Paul platonically, or if it sounds like we all are wanting different things and if I should, out of respect for Paul and maybe myself, engage in a conversation with them about if I can’t imagine a future being an equal partner how we can be best friends, but not being intimate. The latter hurts my heart and makes me so sad - Tiffany is my first love, kiss and sexual partner and I can’t imagine losing those things. I morally won’t ask or hope for Tiffany to choose marriage to Paul or a polyamorous lifestyle with me, but I also am feeling a bit taken advantage of being asked to wait for Paul to change his mind or give-in to what Tiffany wants.
Any thoughts or ideas are appreciated. Even just having this space to share has helped me feel a bit more at ease. Thanks
New to the forum and hoping for a space to share some thoughts and questions about my polyamorous partnership, if that’s okay.
Have been intimate and sexual with my polyamorous partner (Tiffany, hinge) for about 16 months. She is married to her partner of 10 years (Paul). She and Paul have a two-year old child together, to whom I have become a de facto third guardian of sorts. The three of us all get along well and enjoy our company, but Brian and I do not engage in affection or romance. We do all engage in sex together; but Tiffany is the attention of both Paul and I. Tiffany and Paul sometimes have sex with just the two of them, but Tiffany and I cannot.
Within the past month we have begun to tell our family and friends about our polyamorous partnership (we were open with our affection in a few, but not many spaces the first 14 months). Tiffany and I have felt seen and validated in this, but Brian has felt unsure and a bit forced by Tiffany to take this step.
I (non-binary, demisexual) have openly hoped to become a third equal partner to Tiffany (pansexual) and Brian (straight man), living in the same home and waking up in the same bed next to Tiffany (with whom I am intimate and sexual with). While Tiffany has been open to that, this week Paul has shared with me that he is not wanting that forever-ness and has felt that is life has become a bit of a runaway train where he is just has to do what Tiffany wants. He shared that he enjoys my friendship a lot, but does not foresee me ever being an equal partner.
Being great friends with Paul I respect and understand that, but my feelings are hurt and I am worried about the misalignment between what we both are wanting long term. I have spent the past 16 months nearly every day with Tiffany, Paul and their child, but not being able to share the same home, bed, nor being able to be seen as “equal” is hard for me to imagine, and thus I have been really emotionally hurt. It feels that Paul may be fine with things staying the way they are to appease Tiffany, and Tiffany is hopeful we can make it work somehow, but I am feeling hesitant and scared to keep hoping for something that Paul does not ever imagine wanting.
I want to stay in both of their lives, especially since I have become so close to them, Tiffany’s family and their child, but it’s also painful to imagine a non-affectionate, non-sexual relationship with Tiffany after how deeply we have fallen in-love.
Tiffany is hoping I can stay patient and wait for things to find a happy three-way solution, but I’ve learned over the past 16 months I want to share a home and bed with my partner or partners, and perhaps now have ambition to have a biological child of my own someday (marriage is still not something I want).
All of this to say, I’m wondering if it makes sense to stay patient and be willing to be hurt about not being “equal” while we navigate what the three of us could look like since I love Tiffany and enjoy Paul platonically, or if it sounds like we all are wanting different things and if I should, out of respect for Paul and maybe myself, engage in a conversation with them about if I can’t imagine a future being an equal partner how we can be best friends, but not being intimate. The latter hurts my heart and makes me so sad - Tiffany is my first love, kiss and sexual partner and I can’t imagine losing those things. I morally won’t ask or hope for Tiffany to choose marriage to Paul or a polyamorous lifestyle with me, but I also am feeling a bit taken advantage of being asked to wait for Paul to change his mind or give-in to what Tiffany wants.
Any thoughts or ideas are appreciated. Even just having this space to share has helped me feel a bit more at ease. Thanks