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Safe, but not okay I'm having a really hard time right now.... And I don't FEEL like I can trust or lean on anyone without something horrible happening like them hating me, and I don't feel like I can be honest about things without hurting ... Everyone. I don't want to exist any more, and...

Ugh, frustrated with life I got the intense feeling again this afternoon that I'm really not wired to long term steady commitments of a live-in nature.. Sunshine has been sick or something near-sick for MONTHS. just as she gets better, something else kicks her ass. And her sleep deprivation...

And the roller coaster continues... Last week I was feeling super burnt out. Over the weekend (my cycle started) and I hit a grey-washed space where all the thoughts and feelings were there, but very dull. Not Apathy, but something sort of similar. Also my back started hurting more...

Hahaha, oops.... The past couple weeks I have been Extremely Intensely missing Goth. Like, to the point where it was a near constant distraction and honestly quite irritating that I couldn't shake the topic from my mind. Today I had a realization.... The question I was asking myself was "why...

I hate who I am in my own world lately... I think I've shared how I feel like my Role (single parent) and purpose (helping the world be a better place, by helping friends and others when I can) are at odds with each other. Right now, when I'm in my own world, I'm angry, hurt, and unable to...

I should go to sleep. I also should wash dishes. Tears have shown up a couple times this evening, and I feel them lurking but can't embrace them. It doesn't feel safe to cry when I'm the adult in charge of my monkeys. But then, people don't feel safe except a very few, and the world certainly...

I never heard this metaphor before... it's perfect! The Sports Metaphor. Imagine you have an acquaintance who is a big soccer fan. They play soccer, sing soccer songs and watch soccer. They love soccer and they talk about their soccer team all the time. One day you tell them that you’re not...

Well, faster recovery is progress... So.... The last few weeks have been really hard. Lots of heavy thinking, deep feels, frustrated kids.... I started getting migraines. Not "Full Force Kill Me Please" level. More like "there's an ice pick embedded in my eye socket, if I could just remove...

Need to just vent (busy parent things) I have some Feelings that I WANT to share on my FB, but I can't without sounding whiny/ bitch/ needy or pissing someone off... The way life is right now, theres only a couple dozen people I see at least 3 times a year, not counting church, school or cub...

Why can't I just let go... (Another letter I'll never send) Dear Goth, I've been going through a lot of unwanted affection since October, from a lot of different angles. The levels of actual threat vary, but one is literally exhusbands neighbor. I keep wishing I could curl up at your feet...

I've poured over what to say since you replied, but I can't seem to get my words to behave on this. So I'll just say "thank you for your perspective and understanding." Happy New Year Autumn, may it be filled with happiness and good health.

oh wow... oops, I did it again.... Sometimes I'm able to love who I am. This is not one of those times. While I was still in "build the friendship, test for other feelings" mode, Goth's best friend's parent "fell in love" with me, deeply, desperately.... And I had to break up with her, though...

Letter I should never sendq Dear Goth, I made promises a year ago, and they hold true, if you ever reach back for me, I will do all I can to help you. But I have to let you go all over again and it hurts super deep again. I've vented about our struggles to people who don't know you, sure...

Well.... Positive progress: Medicaid lifted the limit on behavioral appts, so I've began the "get diagnosed" road again. this time with a specialist in the same office as my therapist, who says she works to get actual diagnosis, not "maybe these, follow up with a psych" road like last time. Also...

pity party of 1 I had a good weekend. not much sleep, lots of physical activity, might have eaten "enough" maybe, but built some new friendships and got to tell some of the biggest parts of My Story to a fellow empath, who believes I'm at the tipping point before every thing in my life gets...

*whimpers* **ETA: I was going to post this in one of my fb groups, and changed my mind...** I am getting really sick of my own massive instability.... Sinking again after a few good days after the lowest I've been in a long while.... boys want me every few seconds, I don't want to be touched...

Ouch.... but, not surprised. it never lasts How about some unitntentionally painful truth to amplify the demons nobody REALLY know I'm suffocating under.... "In regards to you specifically, wherein I think any relationship with you is especially complicated, it's even more difficult to really...

2 weekends ago: I was finally able to ask Goth what he wanta of me: to keep coming around when I can, to bugger off, just be one of the guys, or...? I'm officially one of the guys. Though in his world I've probably been that since Feb. but he claims he's "bad with words" which is a total cop...

Started this entry 2 days ago. So, i havent had time to see ANY of my people much at all these past ~8 weeks, and despite having 6 people I sometimes get to share affectipns with, such opportunities have been sure rare. My grands offered to take Monkeys for a few days so Sunshine and I can try...

Safe, but.... I feel like I'm drowning, have been for awhile, and will continue to for the foreseeable future..... And while I have MANY people I could turn to, I feel like I've already leaned on the ones I really trust, too much lately, because while this is an acute situation of drowning...