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  1. O

    Wife has ended poly

    Ah, good point. Yes, if the goal is a meaningful relationship, things change. A LOT of men think they are up for dating a poly woman but in fact are not. You really have to date other poly people to make this work. That's been the experience of poly women I know. Otherwise, most men will...
  2. O

    Wife has ended poly

    So, my girlfriend's other partner basically wanted her to be his wife. He would swear he didn't, but used words like 'primary partner' who 'meets my needs and supports all the things I need', including helping him take care of his kids, etc. Basically, a wife. She didn't want that. He also was...
  3. O

    Advice Requested, my husband's girlfriend left him now he wants me to leave my partners too

    First, give yourself a bit of grace here. You meant well, and it didn't work out. That happens. Your husband is being unreasonable here, as you know. But that doesn't really help you, does it? He's feeling what he's feeling. You definitely should NOT give into this request. I mean these are...
  4. O

    my partner and his gf had to break up

    One of my partners is into thinking about how a new person might be a friend, might be good for her other partners, etc. She has to calm it down because she starts setting expectations too early, before there is real stability in the relationship even. She's aware of this and actively tries to...
  5. O

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    There's a newish book out called the Polyamory Paradox. It focuses in particular on the emotional FEELINGS that can occur, independent of your own intellectual thoughts. In other words "I shouldn't be upset by this because X and Y" is all well and good but doesn't stop your feels from happening...
  6. O

    Exiting polyamory and choosing between partners

    Absolutely! Making the choice between them as people would be more difficult. But they ARE people, not abstract concepts. That's what I mean by saying I don't think it's about novelty vs security per se. You are choosing between partners. Which one do you think is a better partner for you right...
  7. O

    Exiting polyamory and choosing between partners

    If I understand you correctly, you have been with your new partner (Cecilia) for just a few weeks? Annette has decided that it's not working and would like to go back to monogamy? Is this correct? I don't think novelty vs. security is the real option here. It's actually interesting that you...
  8. O

    Ideas for intimacy in a Poly relationship where the nesting partner is not sexual.

    SO many ways to be intimate without sex. Kevin gave some good ones, but if you are interested in touch, there are many ways to do that. I also think deep conversations are intimate, sharing your day, your goals, your dreams, doing things together, etc. I would also recommend following Annie...
  9. O

    Don’t ask, don’t tell….?

    I think that's an important distinction. DADT vs. TMI. You can set up boundaries about what details you do or don't want, but the full "I don't want to know if you are seeing someone else" feels wrong for me. Maybe it works for some! But to ME, it would feel like cheating. I also want partners I...
  10. O

    New & blowing up my life for Poly.

    This is all very hard, sorry. No one should be in an abusive relationship, and even if I give your husband the benefit of the doubt regarding drug use, it doesn't excuse all the other stuff. I'm not convinced that fentanyl would cause such behavior, but I don't want to get into that too much...
  11. O

    New to ENM

    That helps a lot, thanks! Sounds like they are basically swingers. They are allowed to have casual things with other people but not develop emotional feelings. Yes, that's ENM (although the E part, as noted above, means this person should have told you...and having unprotected sex with you...
  12. O

    New to ENM

    I'm trying to understand what you mean here. Are you saying you were in a casual relationship (meaning no expectations of it going anywhere), but over time you wanted more from it? And when you asked for that, you were only then told that your partner is ENM and already has another partner? You...
  13. O

    Philosophical Type Question(s) about hierarchy

    Interesting. Yeah, so in this case, there is a kind of purity test involved, almost? Like, if you make decisions based on what's good for your family, you aren't worthy of poly? I haven't seen that, but I believe you that it exists.
  14. O

    Philosophical Type Question(s) about hierarchy

    It's a tough question, much more complicated than many people realize (especially on reddit....hmmm...that may be unfair, but still accurate) . I'm opposed to the idea of hierarchy in principle, but I have to qualify that. I don't think people who are poly should automatically assume that the...
  15. O

    My partner feeling threatened

    Yeah, this is tricky, for sure. One of the things my girlfriend (of 5 months) and I ended up dealing with is that I'm her first fully romantic/love person other than her current partner. She didn't know HOW to communicate what we were doing to her existing partner, and it threw him way off...
  16. O

    Open marriage (on his side) semi-mono-poly

    LoveBunny is giving some excellent advice here. We can't change other people on core matters. We all bend a bit for our partners, but we can't twist into pretzels. It just won't work. LB, sorry that happened. Three years is a long time, with a lot of emotional investment. Also sounds like you...
  17. O

    Open marriage (on his side) semi-mono-poly

    Most poly people do not think that poly is for everyone. There are some problematic tendencies in ANY relationship that are related to social traditions. Since (successful) poly people have recognized and worked to break those tendencies, it might sometimes seem like they are judging people in...
  18. O

    Open marriage (on his side) semi-mono-poly

    So related to my life right now. My metamour (I'm male; so is he) is basically monogamous in thinking. Yeah, he's in an ENM relationship, but for him it's about swinging. For my girlfriend, it's poly. He can't seem to wrap his head around the idea of FULL love with more than one person. My...
  19. O

    Open marriage (on his side) semi-mono-poly

    I think she's picturing it in her head, and less worried about the actual space sharing of sex. I mean I'm sure if just imagining it is a problem, then there are fears of being in the same room. But it's the visualization she can't stop doing. That's very common. In fact, I'm poly, and...
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