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  1. Bobbi

    Opening Up - It's Complicated

    Loose DADT as she would know you are going away for the weekend to be with her, But if it makes her feel better you can call it a yoga retreat or something...she will know why you are going without having to call it that and if anyone asks where you are the can tell them😉
  2. Bobbi

    Am I being unreasonable?

    You cannot logic your way out of feelings...that's my point. If you are trying to do that you will be unsuccessful. You would think that but reality is, you are attracted to whom you are attracted. You are two different people. She is drawn to people you might not be drawn to...maybe even...
  3. Bobbi

    Am I being unreasonable?

    My head will go places even if my thoughts are that I love him, he loves me, I am okay with this and don't feel insecure. But yes, I talk to him immediately. Having these conversations used to be so contrary to me as it's my problem and I don't want to dump stuff on him that I should be taking...
  4. Bobbi

    Am I being unreasonable?

    The thing to realize is that she doesn't cause your feelings, your own thoughts do. It would be better for you to figure out your thoughts process and find out what it is that's in you that triggers negative thoughts when she dates others. What is the story in your head that makes you feel so...
  5. Bobbi

    I am hurting my wife but I don't know how to stop

    People can be poly and love people we don't have sex with. Asexual people are drawn to poly for this reason. Are you suggesting that all poly people are interested in casual sex and those who aren't are not poly? Or those who don't want casual sex are innately monogamous?
  6. Bobbi

    A Struggling Mono Reflection

    I see you are really thinking about this and your role in everything. That is hugely important. But please recognize that he too plays a role in this dysfunction. You should each seek counseling to work on your shit and then come together in couple's counseling. Yes! Very reasonable rule. You...
  7. Bobbi

    Limerence/attachment/new relationship energy/infatuation/whatever it’s called

    If you are full on in NRE and only want a friends with benefits then you need to SLOW DOWN. NRE is like heroin. The more you are exposed the more you want/need. Talking all day is like shooting up all day... Stop it. Maybe check in once daily AT MOST. If things aren't settling then go a few days...
  8. Bobbi

    Had a foursome for the first time and it's been hard! Advice on processing new experiences & raising self-confidence in poly/swinger relationship

    Are you trying to talk your feelings away? Reason with them? If so, that may be your problem. Feelings have to be felt to process. Feel the jealousy, feel the insecurity, Go feel them. Be alone and let yourself feel them fully. Cry, scream, and feel it. Let it out. It only takes about 90 seconds...
  9. Bobbi

    A Struggling Mono Reflection

    Yes, get a poly-friendly therapist. Frankly, you both will have to compromise (deal with something you don't want) to make it work. This thinking is not helpful. It's based on programming that one person must fulfill all of your needs, and it's harmful, as that simply is not true. We used to...
  10. Bobbi

    a hard feelings evening...

    Sounds like you are in the right track. The worst thing you can do is let your mind create the story that gets your emotions worked up. The mind thrives on negative and has a hard time holding onto the positive. Share with your partner the story in your head and ask him what the true story is...
  11. Bobbi

    New to poly

    Welcome! There's a great group of people here so feel free to ask any questions you have or share situations you are having trouble with. We can't guide you if we don't know how you are struggling. Feel free to browse and even start a blog if you just want to share your experience
  12. Bobbi

    Trans, dysphoria getting in the way of opening up.

    Please take what I say with care, as that how I mean it. I'm not trans and cannot talk from that perspective and do not want to come off insensitive or dismissive. So please give me that grace. In polyamory, sometimes even cis people tend to get insecure about their partner being with someone...
  13. Bobbi

    a hard feelings evening...

    I wouldn't go there right now. Are you in a tough space? Hell yes! But that's what it is. This is your first experience, and it's a week long?! Most people starting out only have to deal with a date of a few hours of their mind taking over and convincing them of horrible things, before being in...
  14. Bobbi

    Excitement is a Lonely Place

    I went through that and read everything I could get my hands on, binged podcasts and dumped everything I learned on my best friend, ex husband and new partner...I still gush whenever anyone sounds interested and I'm 3 years in....but I still consider myself a total noob. I guess I pick good...
  15. Bobbi

    Partner dont want more kids

    It does seem that he is your "primary," but you are not his (in quotes because I'm using this as descriptive, which may not match what you two agree with). These types of relationships happen in poly even if not intended. My opinion is that you may want to de-escalate just a bit, so he isn't...
  16. Bobbi

    I’m new, need advice…

    Maybe that's all he does. Maybe he has no interest in these other women at all. It's for attention and fantasy. I know you asked to see who he is talking to and to even participate but maybe he doesn't want you to participate. He's trying to boost his own ego. If this is something he's done...
  17. Bobbi

    Don't know what to do...

    Just give therapy time to help him come to a point where you two can communicate. I think that as long as he is unable to have an open conversation with you about your relationship and your sex life, as well as each other's needs, there's not much you can do. Who knows? Once you can do that...
  18. Bobbi

    Partner dont want more kids

    I think it can. If you accept and cherish what you do get from him, then it can go on. If you aren't happy with what you get from him, then you'll have to decide. But you can add a relationship that can give you what you are looking for. This isn't monogamy. You can keep this relationship and...
  19. Bobbi

    Partner dont want more kids

    He is being honest with what he has going on in his life. He has a right to not want more kids right now or ever. He is having a tough time with a sick mother and two kids to raise and it's too much. You entered into a relationship with a married partner...there was never a time that your...
  20. Bobbi

    Don't know what to do...

    I agree that therapy, both solo and then couple's, is needed. Something in him taught him to shut down, don't open up. It's even possible there's a lot of shame around sex... not only doing it, but talking about it. Religion is usually a big factor in this. That also may or may not be playing a...
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