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  1. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    Thank you! I'm being an optimist and looking forward to getting over these last hurdles!
  2. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    Probably the final update: I informed my husband that I was considering divorce, that I didn't see a version of the marriage where we were both happy, but that if he could come up with a solution, then I was all ears. He didn't even like hearing "the D word" but said he'd think about it, that he...
  3. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    It's extremely nice to hear the other perspective on this! I think it is possible for that to be the case. She is an online girlfriend (though they have met in person), so face-to-face with me and her isn't going to be a thing, but we have briefly chatted in the past, and it was amicable. Like...
  4. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    I asked him for his opinion on all of this and specifically the bitch stuff and got nothing but a stonewall... I don't really know how to answer this... I feel like I'm having a hard time telling nice from bare minimum, as well as "it's the thought that counts" vs. "he should have known better...
  5. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    I've brought up both how I felt and asked him to talk to me about it and what was said and I've got nothing to show for it. I do agree with you that I tiptoe and bend over backwards to make excuses for this or that behavior a little too much but I'd say I'm a pretty blunt person. I honestly...
  6. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    Hopefully in the future I can feel this way but since she doesn't know me face-to-face, all her information about me comes from my spouse. I think if she says that "all I do is bitch 90% of the time" then it's a reflection on what he actually thinks of me. Is that a bad way to look at it? Oh...
  7. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    This is a lot to unpack and I've been thinking about it for a few days now... I do think I do this a lot, probably more than you'd count as "fine" but I need to think a lot more on why I do it and undoubtedly discuss it with a counselor. Thank you for pointing it out, it was something I didn't...
  8. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    This is a lot more extensive than what I've been doing and it's going into my utility belt! 💖 Thank you! Very familiar! Actually, I sent him a message recently about him someday talking to me about what the GF said and how he feels, agrees, or disagrees with any of it, but there was no...
  9. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    I wondered that too! Yes, wait, is what I just said tiptoeing? I'm genuinely curious because I thought I was being sympathetic. I absolutely relate to a lot of the things said in poly hell but you're right, I don't know if it's the poly arrangement itself or just the juxtaposition. Minor...
  10. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    This sounds so exhausting! I'm glad you're out of there. I do see what you mean and these are familiar beats. To be fair to my husband, I'm equally concerned that I come off this way to him. This transition has meant I've sought a lot of reassurance from him. If it's okay to say, was there...
  11. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    His stance throughout this has been that he works and his motivation for working is me, so that's him doing/carrying a lot. He's said things in arguments like, "I could be an asshole and make you pay for your cellphone by yourself." Mind you, I make a lot less than him (that artist life), but...
  12. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    Yes! Very much want to learn! I do try to use non-violent communication and whatnot. Its mileage varies. One thing I need to tackle is using "but" less, as even when I make sure to acknowledge what my husband says, once a "but" or other disagreeing word is put in there, he feels as though I'm...
  13. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    Thank you so much for the insight. I'm going to do the legwork you're suggesting and make sure that, in seeking a counselor, I find someone who has a specialty in this subject. I'm going to be a lot better about my boundaries and following my own boundaries, and definitely love that tea idea as...
  14. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    In the end I rambled a bit about things upsetting me and honestly, I should have stopped sooner. During it, he also expressed some things he would like me to do. 1. Cuddle with him more, like being the big spoon more. I have since started doing this. 2. Occasionally jump up from my work...
  15. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    I'm sorry I fell off the face of the planet on this thread but I wanted to thank you all and give an update. I think I have to split this into two posts... but here I go! The reason I stopped replying was because I presented the dating menu thing to my spouse and it didn't really go as one...
  16. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    I see, okay, these are prompts I can work from and think about... As for the longterm/getting it out of his system thing; no, it took me a bit to find the articles that said my reason (doing it for his happiness) wasn't enough and was unwise. I sat in denial for a while, and then, once I...
  17. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    Hello! Yes, poly-bomb indeed hah! In the past we've discussed how we've felt about polyamory but I wouldn't say we did research or anything serious back then. It was more like "Oh, our friends have an open marriage, what do we think about that?" sort of conversation. So I wasn't blindsided, and...
  18. U

    New, mono-poly, wanting more tools

    I've read so many articles and watched so many videos but I've been struggling quite a bit. Everything is very emotional and hard to give step-by-steps but if anyone can give me concrete things to try that might help, I'd really appreciate that... My spouse and I have been married for a decade...
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