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we have agreed to separate with a view to possible reconciliation. As I sit here and type, I am wracked with emotional pain. I think of the way I treated Matilda and I just want to scream. It's like I found a big shiny self destruct button within myself and I just kept pushing the damned...

I don't like fear very much, it makes me do stupid things. It sits on my shoulder whispering insidious things in my ear. I'm going to have to tape it's mouth, that or buy some decent earphone and drown it out. One way or another fear has to shut up and take a back seat on this one. I don't...

imagination

Thankyou - I've been bouncing off the walls trying to come up with an explanation for my insane behaviour and it fits. I just hope my realisation isn't too damned late. M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ccxiNUOdME&feature=player_embedded It's now 4.30 and I still cannot sleep. Matilda is asleep. I try going to bed but I just lie there staring at the ceiling. I look over to her and I'm filled with regret. So now I listen to music.

It's 3am here, I can't sleep. My mind is whirring, thinking of the past and the possible future that lies ahead. I feel more grounded than I've felt in a while. I don't know if I'm deluding myself but I do know that drop kicking the baggage from my past is the appropriate thing to do...

Low Self-Esteem I'm going to throw this out there, I've been spending alot of time thinking and crying -shock horror a grown man 6"2 and built like a fridge (to borrow Matildas description of me) crying like a baby at work. I think I know why I've behave the way I have for the past 10 years or...

stirrups

I feel lost, in a limbo-like state that's hard to fathom. Feelings that have been pushed down for too long, racing through me. Feelings that I haven't allowed myself to feel. I veer from hopeful, to despair and back again. I find I'm going back to the remedies I used as a kid. I lose myself...

Numb, shellshocked, these are words that best describe how I'm feeling today. I read Matildas blog and I see posts that paint me as a demon. I know I'm not. My focus in the past few years has been on all the wrong things and it led me to neglect the one thing in my life that has any meaning...

glasses

Looking at the world though a different lens is both terrifying and exhilerating. We have alot to work through, I have alot to work through. Playing the blame game really gets us nowhere, I have first hand experience both in my own life and watching others (mainly my parents). How we wind up...

carrots

James Blunt - Cry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX_xz5RYkXo

I've been listening to Billy Joel - Honesty. The man is a musical genius. There always seems to be a song that fits a given situation. My favourite has to be She's Always a Woman. When I look back at the past 10 years and how I have treated her I feel sick. I held on so tight I strangled...

The theme tune to CSI:NY on telly

rattlesnake

We came to a tentative agreement tonight. I feel like we're on a new journey, scary as hell because when we get to wherever the hell we wind up, we may still decide reconciliation isn't possible. That said, we have to rebuild who we are first and then figure out what the hell 'we' as a couple...

slope

I turtle ... a defense mechanism that was overused growing up ... I never really learned how not to. I'm learning the hard way that turtling doesn't work over extended periods of time. I still feel and on one level - sort of over there - I know that what I'm doing is hurting the people around...