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  1. M

    I feel like I'm being put in the wrong box and would appreciate other's perspectives

    Just to offer an interpretation of how your wife might be feeling: For her, sexual relationships or sexual flirting interactions are easy and fun and do not need to have strong emotions involved. Emotional relationships are harder and more complex for her to find and develop, and she is happy...
  2. M

    Partner encouraging me to date outside our marriage

    Ah, I see. Thanks for your response. A point of clarification: I think the colleague's husband is in TWO relationships (one with his wife and one with his girlfriend). He is in not in ONE relationship with both his wife and his girlfriend. That's a common misconception about poly, that it...
  3. M

    Partner encouraging me to date outside our marriage

    Welcome to the forum! I think you'll get a lot of comments/advice on your post because your situation is a reversal of the situations we see here most often, where one spouse wants to be non-monogamous and the other spouse is miserable in non-monogamy. You sound like a likeable and thoughtful...
  4. M

    Mono/Poly Relationships

    Yes, I think your experience here (the existential crisis part in particular) is largely because of her extremely adverse reaction to the idea of poly. She "got very sad" upon hearing that you're poly on the first date, when it should be too early to have strong feelings at all. The first date...
  5. M

    Is polyamory a "lifestyle"?

    Now I'm wondering if "lifestyle" as a general term is more commonly used in British English or among European English speakers? I don't hear Americans say it much in casual conversation. Maybe the confusion here is that it doesn't sound like an unusual phrase in the UK? For me, it stands out as...
  6. M

    Is polyamory a "lifestyle"?

    I disagree. The wife won't be able to articulate what she actually wants if she imagines poly is a uniform lifestyle and has a therapist also making that assumption. It's vague and unclear and hides unexamined expectations about what poly is/is not. It's not common wording for any poly person...
  7. M

    What does lifelong commitment in parallel poly mean?

    Yeah, his (now ex) partner Zia was also quite insane, so there's a lot more to the story. I keep thinking about posting the whole thing because it's been such a saga but haven't had time. Short version: she moved in with him last September 2023 after dating him less than 6 month, and they were...
  8. M

    Is polyamory a "lifestyle"?

    The therapist OP in that thread used the term "lifestyle" for polyamory 3 times in one post, which stood out to me as indicating an attitude that would neither help the therapist to understand her clients nor help her clients to achieve clarity about polyamorous relationships. One reason being...
  9. M

    What does lifelong commitment in parallel poly mean?

    To get back to Tinwen's original question, I think it would depend on what the parallel structure is exactly and why it's set up that way. Parallel poly doesn't have to mean that the metamours dislike each other or are antagonistic. It can just be a structure where the metamours don't have to...
  10. M

    Is polyamory a "lifestyle"?

    Heh, I had a feeling this discussion would be coming... As I said in the thread with the therapist, I do think the term "lifestyle" for polyamory is harmful when it comes from a therapist. As Mags says, it is coy, vague, and othering. In the context of non-monogamy, I don't think it can be...
  11. M

    Do I have the correct mindset?

    I think it's reasonable that you stand firm about needing one Sunday a month for DnD in which Lulu prioritizes being home to be the "on" parent. However, it also might be worth looking into having a regular babysitter that you can call when you both have plans at the same time or want to have a...
  12. M

    Therapist who needs educated!

    Thinking more about this...learning to frame polyamory as a "relationship structure" rather than a "lifestyle" was extremely helpful for me when I was starting out as poly and my own therapist told me she couldn't help me because she was "wasn't familiar with that lifestyle." I wasn't able to...
  13. M

    Therapist who needs educated!

    I can see your point, but I strongly disagree on this. Especially in the context of therapy. Calling polyamory a "lifestyle" is needlessly othering. It sounds judgmental when people who are NOT polyamorous themselves say things like "She's choosing to live that lifestyle" or "I'm not familiar...
  14. M

    Therapist who needs educated!

    The first thing I would advise you is that the term "lifestyle" is not helpful, largely for two reasons: 1) It implies that this couple will be living in a completely different way than "normal" people. There isn't much different about polyamorous people's actual lives. We go to work, have...
  15. M

    Now I have to choose between my life partner and polyamory

    Anecdotally, people who threaten their partners with suicide if a breakup occurs, in what I've seen, usually aren't really serious about attempting suicide. It's a manipulation tactic. (And sadly, people who do die by suicide often do not give any such clear indications of their intent). Your...
  16. M

    "My petals are bruised but I'm still a flower"

    I'm glad your dating life is currently so full! I didn't actually realize you were the same person from the Homesteading Triad...now I've read back through everything that happened...I am glad you were able to get out safely and quickly when things went south. Maintaining your independence and...
  17. M

    Now I have to choose between my life partner and polyamory

    I think blaming your wife's "nervous system" for the problems in your first/second opening phases is...a very generous and overly kind interpretation. To me it looks like she was happy having other partners herself, but became unreasonably jealous and controlling as soon as you had some success...
  18. M

    Bring it up or not my place?

    To me, the vagueness in your posts/questions means that we (the forum members) can't give you advice that actually applies to your situation. I don't get what you mean by your concerns that Leaf might be "using" Wind. If Leaf potentially manipulated Wind to change his/your agreements, what does...
  19. M

    Unsteady primary and metamour dynamic

    Why does John think Ted needs to get a girlfriend? I'm with SeasonedPoly that this sounds problematic and like John might have deeper issues going on. Does Ted himself want a girlfriend? If so, why? To explore his bisexuality? If Ted wanted a second boyfriend rather than a girlfriend, would...
  20. M

    Mono/poly new member

    I am confused who is LGBTQ in this situation? OP, are you saying that your partner wants an open relationship in order for him to explore his bisexuality, to date other men? Or that he is pressuring YOU to have threesomes with him and his female partners, when you are not bi at all?
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