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This. Also, be careful when you suggest she see a doctor. There's a delicate line between saying "I'm worried about you. I want to help. Let's get you some appointments and see what we can do to make things better," and saying, "This isn't working. You need to see a psychiatrist or...

:D Hooray! See, I knew there were good times coming. Thanks for the happy fix! :cool:

It seems a lot of your emotional disconnect from your wife has to do with her putting on weight and losing her libido. As someone who used to be obese, lost it all, and has kept it off for years, I doubt I could have done it without my husband's love and (more importantly) unwavering support...

Having just read your entire blog beginning to end...wow, yeah, that sucks! :( But you're so resilient and confident, both personally and in your relationships, that I'm sure you'll manage to find time with him one way or another. Just in case, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. :D And...

Welcome. :) Theory is easy, but you don't learn much.

Oh, and a disclaimer to all this: I'm focusing on the worst here, because I'm trying to figure out where it went wrong, and if there's anything I could do differently. Ella and I had an amazing amount of fun, most of the time. We had an incredible time in Vegas. I think I got her to relax...

Very true. I've noticed that when something isn't communicated, I start to get very afraid of the reasons why nothing's been communicated--and, of course, I assume those reasons must be very very bad. If someone is avoiding giving you bad news, you don't want to call them up and ask what the...

Believe me, I wish we could have. It would have been uncomfortable, but I think it would have calmed a lot of fears. But by the time I got the guts to directly discuss what I was hoping for--even with Ella alone--it was over. And frankly, I'm not sure Ella would have consented to a discussion...

I noticed you said you're not bisexual. Would it be healthier for all if you pursued a vee, instead of a triad? They might feel the need to pursue other sexual relationships because she wants to feel like someone is sexually attracted to her, and not just putting up with her. It might also...

Ack, it all sounds so whiny, doesn't it? I start writing it out, and then I start to wallow in it. :( It is self-reinforcing. I've had very few relationships, so when something goes wrong in one, I end up trying to figure out how I could have prevented it. Instead of just admitting that...

Please don't be offended by this, but it doesn't sound like you're dating a couple. You don't even seem to like this woman--which isn't good, if you do like her husband. Offering a sincere apology and moving on may actually be a very healthy, mature response, particularly if there's little or...

Okay, finishing this off already, now that I'm feeling less misanthropic... Another Email After the failed trip and awkward talk, Ella pretty much withdrew. We stopped having sex. She had never been open with affection, but what little there had been evaporated. I started wondering again...

So very very true. There's just more frustration and anger and jealousy when it's in an emotional context. Calling something "hypocritical" implies that it involves some degree of rationalization, and it doesn't seem like people try (or are able) to rationalize emotionally volatile situations...

Is there such a thing as "compassionate selfishness?" Maybe "self-actualization" or "self-determination" are better words for it. They don't carry the nasty connotation of "selfishness."

This happened to me, too! Even after the NRE wore off I was still thinking, "whoa, that was HOT. What else can I try?" Exploring your sexuality feels good.

Maybe it's a time thing for some people--they need to get used to the idea. I see Vino react that way, but then I also see him visibly hoping I never meet a man I'm attracted to, so he'll never have to face that, and that makes me want to drop the whole discussion entirely. He's fine with me...

I'm feeling profoundly cynical about polyamory today, especially about opening up a monogamous relationship. So, I was attracted to, and even fell for, other people. It happens. I think the majority of "monogamous" folk (in the relationship arrangement sense, not the psychological sense)...

This. Which can be incredibly hard to do if you're comparing yourself to someone else, so make sure you're going out separately. And finding out that everyone else is sexually interconnected is a horrible, isolating feeling--I've been there, and I felt like a sexual leper--so try to socialize...

Personally, I've always had trouble with jealousy being characterized as a "false" emotion. It's really just fear, right? Fear of losing someone important, fear of being alone, fear of being personally inadequate. It's human nature to respond to fear by fighting or by hiding, which is...

I've had a decent day or two and haven't really wanted to follow up on this. Vino and I have been spending more quality time--that is, more wine on his part, less broken-hearted weeping on mine. And...I have a shiny new mini-crush! I've been letting myself enjoy it, but I've also been...