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When I think about why he did this, I guess I see a spectrum of possibilities. On one end, the other woman came on to him and caught in the moment, it happened once and thereafter it was easy to happen again…that he robotically sought physicality when he was sad and lonely, never placing that...

I think the biggest difference between the two crimes: Primary cheated in our mono marriage…it was once physical but ongoing online (sexting, sending videos) and primary kept trying to revisit physicality with the other woman who got cold feet (she would message “I’m not sure, it’s risky” and he...

Hey GalaGirl, I think inexperience before marriage with primary sort of led to being with secondary (for my part) and then yes, I think being able to be with secondary simultaneously allowed me to stay with primary…I’m not sure it would have lasted otherwise, having seen what passion and love...

I am so thankful, everyone, for your advice and insight. Magdlyn and GalaGirl, you make some very great points that are admittedly hard for me to take. Being in a romance with secondary steadily for almost five years, it’s hard to take a step back. We saw each other several times a week for a...

It’s hard to feel I don’t have to settle for cheaters. One man has been a part of my life for eighteen years and another for five…and there are no guarantees the next guy will be truer. This is about their weaknesses. It’s hard to remember that when I am feeling low, but I know it’s true. I...

I really appreciate your feedback, in particular. It feels even and compassionate. Thank you. He is extremely remorseful, disgusted with himself, hurting because he hurt me. I believe this was more about his primary shutting him out…he has long said he is very happy with me the two nights a...

I had fully invested in my secondary and a future with him and am still in love with him, in spite of the hurt. Both men cheated on me, so to be honest I don’t know how to navigate this. I love my primary, he broke me, he still loves me and wants me to stay. I don’t have in-love feelings for him...

My whole world has been turned upside down. I just found out my secondary has been cheating on me. More than once. I was so sure of his love and our connection. I am so completely lost.

I am so sorry you too have had to deal with thoughtless men. Grrr!

Thank you, kdt26417 and GalaGirl. I really value your perspectives. I will update you as the journey progresses. One small update…I was terrified to talk to my eldest sister about it, worried she would judge/resent me and be unwilling to accept the potential breakup. She was loving and...

I definitely feel you on the dress rehearsal. And yes, someone gets hurt no matter what, and one of those options is me. It all feels like too little, too late.

This was in reply to kdt26417

I really worry about being in the same city as secondary, the proximity adding to the pain. I think it’s telling also that I worry about this city being sad for me with secondary out of my life (we met them within a year of moving here) but I don’t seem to have the same outlook if I am with...

Thank you all for your continued thoughts. More updates: I feel as though I’m leaning towards leaving. I feel like a terrible person either way, really. If I stay, it will partly be for financial security and for other peoples’ benefits. And then what would happen? Can I truly stay away from...

I’ve been working with a therapist for two years on that big topic, my self worth. I look in the mirror and think I’m attractive but I worry (because of the infidelity I suppose) that I’m not enough, especially for primary. If we are both truly in love with other people and I stay with primary...

We definitely settled. We acknowledge that. But there was still beauty and comfort in the relationship. Then I met secondary and he showed me what attraction, intimacy, a partner making you feel loved was REALLY like. Primary loves me and is ok with what we have…a loving friendship with...

You are right, there are no guarantees I can trust even in a poly situation. I figured it was less likely if more if the needs were being taken care of by multiple partners. I guess when I say brave front, it’s primarily for the kids. But we also haven’t loved openly so a lot of people don’t...

He is quite adamant. In his opinion we shouldn’t have gone down this path (and I agree in some ways…I wasn’t healed enough to truly invest in another relationship) and I think we mistakenly gave up on our relationship for the others. He says he has tried to find his way to accept it but cannot...

TW: infidelity, suicide Hey everyone, thank you so much for the input you have offered! Here is a more, in depth look, as well as some updates. As I mentioned, I’ve been with hubby for 18 years (married 15). Intimacy has never been our strong suit (not very frequent, not much PDA) but I would...

Thank you for your wisdom!