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yeah Yeah, I agree. A friend of mine who has poly experience says that it sounds to her like my ex kept "testing your love" to see how much I could take before cracking. Every time I would get to the point of overcoming my fears and insecurity, she would up the ante until I finally couldn't...

the latest Another update: My ex is about to return from her trip. We have had intermittent electronic communication while she has been gone. She says she still feels pulled towards me and loves me, and that her other guy, while a great guy, isn't like me and doesn't have the same kind of deep...

update Well, the latest update. My ex and I have been briefly emailing and texting a bit. Yesterday I got a longer email asking me to call her. So I called her....she is currently on her business trip and I guess she is lonely. We talked about an hour. She said that she is happy with her...

hurt I obviously have some security issues to work on. If I had been more secure and confident in the first place, things would never have gotten as bad as they did. Either I wouldn't have gotten as hurt as badly by her behavior, or I would have stood up for myself a lot sooner, and either...

reconciliation At this point, any reconciliation would be on a friendship basis only, at least in the short and medium terms. I think that with sufficient time we can end up having a marvelous friendship, but neither of us are there yet. Long-term, who knows...maybe it would get physical...

could be Could be Autumnal....certainly your view accords with my wife's take on the situation. On the other hand this morning I got an email from her saying that she missed me, longs for me, still loves me, and wishes we could have found a way to make it work but isn't sure she can just be...

answers Yes, this was my first poly relationship, and my lover's first as well, although both her and her husband and me and my wife have dabbled (successfully) in swinging without problems. The problem this time came when deep emotions got involved. She seems happy with her new guy and her...

a meeting Well I had breakfast with my ex on Tuesday. It was an emotional but civil and adult conversation. She wants to be friends, but isn't sure she can, since she still thinks of me as a lover and isn't sure she can adjust that back to just friends. I agree with her, I'm not sure I can...

email Well she reached out to me today...got a couple of emails, she apologized for hurting me, doesn't know if we can just be friends or not, requests more time to think and heal.

it helps It helps, but I keep getting these waves of agony throughout the day. I haven't felt anything this horrible since high school. I really want to reach out to her right now, but it just seems premature.

talk Had a good talk with my counselor today. She thinks the relationship may be salvagable but that it will take time for everyone to settle down. She advises me to avoid any over-the-top moves right now, to work on my insecurities and get myself re-grounded psychologically and spiritually and...

tolle I've read Tolle's work and a lot of other spiritual stuff and have found it very helpful. My insecurities got out of control when I lost my spiritual grounding. I feel, in a way, like I failed some sort of test here and let fear rule my life in this matter rather than love. I've got a...

more I guess I don't understand what i was supposed to do. She would ask me what I needed to make all of this OK, and I would say things like "still see me once a week and continue daily electronic contact (text, email, etc) and when I need something extra I will ask for it." As she...

more I really wanted her to be happy...and I had no problems sharing her sexually. But I just couldn't adapt that quickly to sharing her emotionally. It was just too fast for me. At our last meeting, I asked her what she would do if she were in my situation. She told me that she wouldn't be...

sure Well, within a five week period, i went from "the only lover she ever needed other than her husband" and "her main love" to "I am spending time with person-X because I am lonely, but he is just for fun, you are the one I love" to "I love person-X, but I love you more" to "I love you and...

boundaries Well part of the problem was that I felt the boundaries kept shifting without any negotation or discussion. Each week we would meet, she would change a boundary unilaterally without asking me, just presenting it as a fact. At least that is how I felt. As soon as I would adjust, she...

Jen says she would not veto anything. But her opinion matters to me. Maybe it shouldn't, from your POV, but it does to mine. It is another factor that I have to consider, whether such a decision would stress my marriage or not.

Jen is an amazing woman. She is the center of my life, the mother of my children, my soulmate and best friend. When I met Jolene, Jen saw how happy it made me and was secure enough to encourage the relationship strongly. When problems arose, she was patient and supportive at first, and helped...

Jen is very angry because she didn't think Jolene was sensitive enough to my feelings and made too many unilateral changes. She has no problem sharing me. In fact, she enthusiastically supported the relationship for a long time. Even now, she knows how much it meant to me and how much I miss...

I have told Jen this. She disagrees, and thinks the breakup was right, although she has also said that she wouldn't veto anything if I really wanted it. However, I would have a hard time going through with it if I felt she didn't really approve. I have not told Jolene this. I have been trying to...