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@Whathappened, all of my experiences have been inside of 1 poly relationship. My partner dated and took on partners with some frequency. My increasing discomfort was cumulative. There were a few confrontations about time and parenting between my SO and a metamour (his primary) in front of me...

@GreenAcres, I appreciate you putting that out there. I have twice been in situations where a metamour caused me to re-think my relationship. Where no amount of self-reflection and detachment on my part was going make my staying (and therefor continuing to be entangled with those metamours) a...

@WhatHappened, your whole post saddens me, but the parts I called out above break my heart. Your feelings of insecurity were dead on, and I don't know that any amount of internal work would have alleviated them. I would have to be really detached from those circumstances to enjoy a person (in...

You post reminded me about that relationship attachment article someone else posted a while back. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship I would say I am mostly Secure (I care, I fight, I seek comfort), although I do...

To my SO's family, I am yet another girlfriend, albeit a longer lasting one. I am not family. Would I feel more secure if I were considered "family?" I'm not sure. They certainly don't figure into my future. They are an interesting lot, those folks. Credit to my own father, he accepted my SO...

Thanks for your input, Bluebird. I like the idea of taking your boyfriend's last name as your middle name. For many people, a shared name = family. Love 'em or hate 'em, they're family. :) And you are right, security is still hard to nail down.

Hi, thirteenth. I borrowed a quote from you as it spurred some thinking for me. I started a thread in General Poly Discussions based on it. "Secondaries: Do you feel secure?" The quote is currently anonymous. If you would like me to credit you, I'd be happy to. I can edit and remove it in the...

This question is aimed at secondaries – descriptive or proscriptive – current or former. “Any sense of security about the future that involves everything going exactly according to plan is a false sense of security.” [Bold added in place of italics.] I took this quote from another thread and...

A few suggestions: There is a master thread in the Golden Nuggets section. Click on the topics that interest you. Scroll down into the comments section as more members have proposed additional popular topics/threads. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830 Try a tag or keyword...

@JaneQ, you expressed my views here very well. You weren't looking for validation, but let me give it to you anyway. So much this. I didn't feel the "mommy imperative" the way that some of my friends did. They wanted babies no matter what. Fertility treatments, re-igniting bad relationships...

Normally, I pipe up on the side of the secondary person regarding privacy, but for this situation, I'm going to speak up on the other side. I would put it this way. If the girlfriend wants to continue in the relationship with the husband (which started out as cheating whether she knew it or...

Overall, I find that relationships either grow or die. There are smaller cycles of contentment and growth that can be enjoyed passively, but I agree with @kdt26417 that it is up to the individuals in the dyad to foster growth when none is happening due to circumstances. Have you considered...

Oh, he's getting those blog posts. :) He's working today, so I'll send him the links tomorrow. We like to trade reading material. We've talked about a lot of this stuff, but I'm always up for trying a different angle, another perspective. In the end, tho, just being heard isn't giving me peace...

Hey YAH, I've been a single secondary for the 4 1/2 years I've been with my poly partner. A lot of what you write resonates with me (and is highly entertaining to boot)! I checked out your other blog http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/ for the first time today and I was excited (sort...

Isn't it selfish to want your metamour to change the shape of her relationship with her boyfriend (your SO) because you want protection? Fluid bonding represents closeness and trust to me. It's a milestone in many committed relationships. I would feel the same hurt and disrespect if that...

@monomom, I imagine you are too upset to hear this, but the above isn't true. It's a lovely fantasy, but real relationships with real people stop being fantasies after those first few months of oxytocin-fueled love bubbles run out. I am a secondary who has been with a poly partner for 4+...

BTW - if you haven't tried it yet, you can run a Search in this forum for "kink" or "BDSM" as a keyword or Tag to look for similar stories.

Glenn, it sounds like there are a lot of difficulties in your relationship with your secondary that aren't really articulated or dealt with. You will often see cautionary advice in these threads that says that poly will expose cracks in your relationship that you didn't even know existed. There...

Hi Glenn, I can think of a number of reasons why your secondary might be feeling insecure, envious, jealous, or fearful of change. Her feelings might be related to you, they might not. If she could identify the source of the feelings (perhaps by posting here?), that would help a lot in giving...

@breezy, I sincerely appreciate you bringing this up. I've been guilty of derailing my boyfriend's soul-searching conversation because, while he explored his feelings, he said something that was triggering to me. We didn't pre-frame the discussion, but I knew what he was doing. The...