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  1. 1

    Need experienced poly advice please

    I see a lot of people’s solutions involve lying to the kids- since when has that been either a good idea or a fair thing to ask of someone? It was really disrespectful to not have given you a heads’ up they were there. A discussion, even. To have had to field this when you were already upset...
  2. 1

    Open relation and having problems with one of the girls my bf is dating

    You started looking for an open relationship, but you ended up with a poly one. They have feelings. He doesn’t want to end it. He is loving multiple people and desiring relationships with them. It’s okay to not quite get what you expect - that happens all the time in life. It might not be a...
  3. 1

    When a partner is struggling because of mental health issues...

    I think these are the questions you should be asking your partner: About I can see this is hard on you. Is the work to make it okay doable without neglecting your needs and your own trreatmrnt or yourself? Is this degree of openness okay with you, or would adjustments be necessary to give you...
  4. 1

    Reassurance and Hierarchy

    I think what’s reassuring is good boundaries. That you are honest with him so he knows you will be. That you are kind in this honesty. That you help things get focused on the healthy side of things That you can handle stuff- and show confidence you can. If he’s hearing half-truths...
  5. 1

    Dadt?

    I still think that might be easier. I lost a whole reply I wrote, but the long and the short of it is — I think I’m comfortable with two models of relationship. Monogamy, and something approaching relationship anarchy. It’s always made me more comfortable with someone else’s partner to...
  6. 1

    Dadt?

    So, I’ve always done open poly, and the results have been mixed. To the point to went mono for a bit. Recently, I restarted dating someone who is solidly non-monogamous,’and it is making me very happy. I also have a fairly recent brain injury, which makes thinking harder, including emotional...
  7. 1

    Asking input

    Does anyone find it HARDER if someone you’re dating gives you input or a choice in their dating of others or starting a relationship with others than if they don’t? I have a specific trauma based reason why this might be so for me— but am wondering if it is a thing in general for others. I...
  8. 1

    New Triad sex issues

    Have you tried asking your new partner to show you shat she does with your wife? I found that the best part of group sex— learning from others . Also, I’m hyperorgasmic. 30-60 times a session is normal with some partners. I have had partners who have gone with that— a TON— and whole I love...
  9. 1

    Revealing poly

    What would your emotional reaction/thoughts be if you were a poly/mono switch (you could do either poly or mono), suspected someone was dating someone else, gave them the opportunity to talk about it, which they ducked, hard, multiple times, then found out later after you stopped dating they did...
  10. 1

    When to tell the kids

    Our triad got together one February. We didn’t kiss in front of my kids till at least October, and even then, only They had plenty of time to process first, and it was while they were occupied— we were all at a fair together— and they had plenty of time to get over the dating thing first. We...
  11. 1

    How common are metamour issues in healthy relationships?

    Out of 5 poly systems, I only had problems in 2. The others were lovely. And I hold the hinges responsible for putting us in a position where we were pitted against each other. One actually used that as an excuse to break up/transition, whet it was really about having different ideas of how...
  12. 1

    Consent

    I left poly for a little over a year after a breakup with my last partner because things just felt off with poly in general as we were doing it. I’d gotten help here pinpointing some, but it took being on my own in the mono world to figure out what the issues were— and the biggest one was...
  13. 1

    Unconsciously primary/secondary?

    Consent I have not read all the replies because of a brain injury, but in your shoes- I would straight up say, “I’m sorry, I really cannot have someone else having consent over my sex life. We need to have a talk and find a different solution that works for all. Poly ended up terribly...
  14. 1

    Ethically becoming a triad?

    Regarding ethics with you assuming you can call a break up with the new girl and stay together if you struggle: I’m not sure it’s EVER ethical in a poly relationship to ask someone to do something you suspect might have pitfalls for someone else you are in relationship with — even if they don’t...
  15. 1

    Distress signals

    One of the things I struggle with the most processing my time in poly is the whole “ignoring distress signals” dynamic. Because at best, it is complicated. If one partner is distressed — if it only affects two people, you can focus on it fairly well, as long as self care is possible for the...
  16. 1

    Polyamory and mental health

    Also, IMHO: Consent: can I do this with you? Entitlement: you must be this person for me. A person is free not to date at any time. If they discover they cannot handle something their partner is included. They may feel feelings of betrayal at discovering that. But it doesn’t...
  17. 1

    Polyamory and mental health

    Something I THOUGHT I had put in that it looks like it does not- is that a criteria should be that safety is a part of being comfortable. And I would agree with you about danger - BUT —— it is still not a transperson’s responsibility to tell you on the first date. Or before. Or ever. No...
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