A jealous Ex

FitChick

New member
I am dealing with the following issue:

My new poly boyfriend was previously in a 'mono' relationship with a strict 'mono' but it broke down because she was unwilling to let him have female friends or let him spend time with other women. It seems as if she initially accepted the 'poly' side of him but then when he expressed a desire to see other women she became manipulative and jealous. Now that she is aware he is seeing me,she is barraging him with text messages,phone calls and crying spells because she wants him back but only on her terms as a 'mono',she even describes the poly lifestyle as 'disgusting'. I have suggested to him that the 3 of us sit down together and discuss it but she won't do that,even though I am quite willing to get out of my own comfort zone to do so.

I know this is 'her' self esteem issue and 'her' issue with the polyamory lifestyle but I suggested to him he needs to sort it out once and for all or it will affect all of his future relationships,not only his one with me..

This is the first time I have had to deal with a jealous woman and I am not sure how to respond...any suggestions?
 

JonnyAce

New member
Hi FC,

First off welcome to the forums, i find it very courageous of you to open us to strangers so soon after becoming part of this forum.

That said, i agree with you when you said that this is her issue to deal with. Unfortunately it's very difficult to see the person you care about go through this when essentially you can't help them. I don't find anything wrong with you telling him that you feel he should deal with the ex "once and for all", in fact it's important to tell him how you feel.

In the end it's up to him to decide to do this or not. i would suggest that you don't take it personally if he doesn't heed your advice, as it might be something he needs to figure out on his own.

then again that's just my take on it, and i'm sure there are wiser people here that will give better advice.:eek:
 

crisare

New member
IMO, if she is an "ex", then he needs to sever ties with her and ask/demand that she stop contacting him, harrassing him, stalking him, whatever you want to call it.

If he's interested in maintaining some kind of relationship with her (which I think would be ill advised, personally), then you need to decide if you're willing to be involved in the drama of it.

I personally don't think the 3 of you sitting down would be in any way productive, since she's already pretty much indicated that she is not willing to accept any form of poly or open relationship, going so far as to term it "disgusting" and so forth.

As Jonny said, I think that this is something he needs to figure out on his own ... but you do have the right, IMO, to not have it invade your relationship with him and to ask him to either resolve it or move on.
 

FitChick

New member
thank you for both your advice! :) I am strongly aware of keeping my own personal boundaries secure and fortunately I live in a separate city so don't have to deal with the drama day to day. He wants to move the relationship with me forward but I have told him that is unwise considering the current situation. I am not prepared to walk into a 'fire' that is not my responsibilty to deal with!
 

JonnyAce

New member
I am not prepared to walk into a 'fire' that is not my responsibilty to deal with!

To me that shows what strong character you have, as it's easy to get wrapped up in NRE, and ignore warning signs that you're "walking into a fire" Good for you!
 

FitChick

New member
An interesting development took place tonight on his Facebook page of all places,I knew she was trying to bait me but I just wished her a Happy Christmas and hoped she was having a nice holiday,it was all very civil and to be honest I was somewhat shocked at how well it went..of course I know this won't last but I am proud that I did not let her get to me...I am much stronger emotionally than I give myself credit for! :)

When I told him about this development a couple of hours ago, he again indicated he would like me to move closer to him(he says I 'get' him),I told him there wasn't any rush and that he needs to sort out his issues with her before things can progress from my end. So we have decided to enjoy the 'NRE' and review it down the track..without a time frame. This will also give me time to adjust to the poly lifestyle and figure out my needs in the relationship.
 

CielDuMatin

New member
FitChick, I think your approach is very mature and sensible.

It sounds to me like her "bottom line" isn't compatible with you and him having a relationship. There's really no point wasting time even trying to make things work - they're not going to.

This is between him and her, and I think you are absolutely right in requiring him to get this sorted out before you and he enter into something more committed (like you moving).

Personally, I don't see the value with you and her having any contact - it just gives her another avenue to be angry with someone, and try to potentially manipulate the situation (if that is her style, and I obviously don't know her, so am guessing). What does having this contact bring to the effort of resolving this?

It definitely sounds like you are on the right track with this, based on what you have said.
 

FitChick

New member
I guess its just the part of me that hates fighting,that is why I made the effort,I can't see us having regular contact but I guess I just wanted to 'test the waters' but I do get your point...the only value I see coming out of this is that she may be able to manipulate him but not me,I now know that this is just her trying to assert her 'property rights'.
 

redpepper

New member
I guess its just the part of me that hates fighting,that is why I made the effort,I can't see us having regular contact but I guess I just wanted to 'test the waters' but I do get your point...the only value I see coming out of this is that she may be able to manipulate him but not me,I now know that this is just her trying to assert her 'property rights'.

You are showing him you will not be manipulated also and how he can conduct himself differently with her too.

Good for you. She will peter out when she sees it isn't working and finds someone else to hopefully have the relationship she wants to have with.
 

CielDuMatin

New member
If you become available to her by ha ving contact, then if she is the type that likes to manipulate others (and I'm not saying she is or isn't) then this gives her another gambit to play. I would take that away from her, and leave it between him and her to sort out.
 

FitChick

New member
She emailed me today so I forwarded the messages to him and then discussed them with him,she was 'fishing' for information so I gave her very little and he advised me to cut contact with her altogether,so I have done that. Like as been said before it serves no purpose and it is between him and her to sort out..there are clearly unresolved feelings so I need to let him work through those.
 

Fidelia

New member
The core issue here remains unchanged. If he is committed to polyamory and she is committed to monogamy, they are incompatible at that basic level and should have ended things at that point.

The fact that they remain emotionally entangled with each other is a clear indication that they are each getting something out of continuing the relationship. If they were not, they would have moved on already.

The question you may wish to ask yourself is: What are you getting out of this situation? If the answer is nothing or not much, consider withdrawing until it is resolved.
 

FitChick

New member
Thanks Fidelia,I appreciate your input. I discussed it at length with him last night and he is adamant that he is not going to give into her demands for monogamy when he knows he can't do it. He also admitted their dependence is what I described as 'toxic' and he is finding it very hard to withdraw on an emotional level but not physical.
For this reason I suggested he take time out for himself,give himself time to heal and let me just be his friend. Although I have feelings for him I would much rather he is healed for the sake of ANY future relationship. So I have organised(along with another one of his female friends) something for him for his birthday to let him know he has our unconditional support,because we all were friends before this happened.
 

CielDuMatin

New member
For this reason I suggested he take time out for himself,give himself time to heal and let me just be his friend. Although I have feelings for him I would much rather he is healed for the sake of ANY future relationship.
Forgive me for saying so, but this seems like a very mature, compassionate and caring way of approaching this. He is very lucky to have you as a friend.
 
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