A question for the mono men

MonoVCPHG

New member
One other thing...if you are going to have a mono/poly relationship hold off on getting married until you trial this by fire. He'll have to not only survive you having another partner but also be healthy in it. Those are two very different things - and being healthy is not necessarily the most common.

You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.

Good luck :)
 

Monochrome

New member
When first being introduced to the possibility of a mono/poly relationship, what was your reaction to the thought of another man being intimate (from glances and hand holding to oral and penetration sex) with your love? At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.

Hello, I'm Gray's mono husband. Our relationship has only recently become "actually poly", though rather open since we were dating. (details available in our intro threads)

Some have mentioned old, chauvinistic concepts of possession and not wanting to share "your" woman with anyone else. I never really had this leaning, but did have to work through some preconceptions over time.

To start, I never had problems with Gray touching, hugging, etc., other people. She was very outgoing, and she enjoyed contact with people she was close to. The next step, perhaps, of hand holding, also wasn't any issue. Except (at the very start) when she wanted to hold my hand in public. I was so shy at the time, I didn't want the attention or people looking at me I guess. (Same for us kissing in public. For a bit, at least)

As to her kissing others. Even at the start, my only objection was that if others saw they would get all busybody and bother us, and I didn't want to have to deal with misguided interlopers.

Beyond that, we went in stages and negotiated at each step. Once in a while, she would push a boundary a bit, stretch a definition, but never far and not often. We would discuss it, refine definitions, and move on.

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

For me, it wasn't so much about "I love her, so I will learn to tolerate". It was that I felt such a connection to Gray. Such a multitude of connections, really. Physical connections involving, well, the physical. Mental connections involving sci-fi, anime, trivia and math and so much more. Connections of the heart involving shared interests and values. Many of these connections were shared with others. Connecting over trivia, for example, is pretty common. :)

The ones shared just between us, though, were precious, some more than others. I didn't want to lose those connections, or dilute them, weaken them, however you want to phrase it. The "big" physical connection, for me, was PiV.

I never felt disgust, but I did feel fear about losing these connections, or just that they would weaken. So, the progression of our relationship has involved me confronting why I valued a particular connection that was just between us, when our connection would not be any weaker should she also have a similar connection to someone else. Part of it is that she showed at each step how she could maintain all these connections. I haven't really tried, and never had much interest in trying, to maintain all these connections to other people. Perhaps it is just my mono brain, I don't know. Perhaps I could, if I tried. All I know is that she can, and that I trust her to talk to me if she fells something weakening in our relationship, just like she trusts me if I have concerns. All along, we talked with each other. About what we wanted, what we felt about the current stage of our relationship, about all sorts of things. I can't tell you how we communicated, we just talked. She was very good at making sure I talked. :) Besides the actual communication that was achieved, I think these talks were very important to the overall journey because they showed time and again that I mattered to her, I wasn't being replaced, and I was on this journey with her, not an outside observer.
 

newguy

New member
You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.

MonoVCPHG (and all)….

I’m Polykat’s finace’…I read your suggested posts on your feelings but what made me comment at this time (first time commenting on her post) was the statement that you made:

“You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.”

I agree!! In fact, every since she informed me of her desires I told her that I may not be the man for her…I also told her (and still believe) that I may never be able to be in this type of relationship. I told her that I think it’s best for her to move on without me…because I feel that although she is happy with me, she will never have complete happiness because of her feelings towards this lifestyle.

She has assured me that she is happy with what we have (for now) and that she would like me to “evolve” past my traditional mind set and that she will stay with me even if this does not happen.

My minds said leave her now!!! It will hurt (a lot) but it will be better for the both of us! My hearts said stay and love her until 1) you “evolve” or 2) SHE leaves you. Now I can’t say for certain but I don’t see myself evolving and she says that she will never leave me…not even for complete happiness!

During our discussions, she informed me that she wouldn’t move forward (sleep with or start a relationship with another man) without my blessing and if I decide to never give my blessing she will still be happy…I take that to mean that she won’t be completely happy.

My thoughts…from what I have researched on this matter, poly people are not nor could they ever be completely happy living a mono life. I was told that it’s like suppressing your true self and your true feelings. And I feel, like the people that have suppressed their feelings will eventually give into them! I also feel that she (Polykat) will eventually will give into her feelings and give me the ultimatum of being in a poly/mono relationship or no relationship with her at all. Even though she has said numerous of times that this would never happen, I’m preparing myself for (what I think is) the inevitable. At this point, I’m just trying to get all the love I can for as long as I can!!!
So…my questions to you MonoVCPHG (and all) are:

1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try?

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?

Thanks again for reading and responding.

WR,

NG
 
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MonoVCPHG

New member
1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try? NG

I believe anyone can control themselves with enough discipline, but I don't think they should put themselves in that situation. I don't believe a poly person can be truly fulfilled suppressing that part of them-self that needs to share love anymore than a mono person can be truly fulfilled not having love returned to them the same way they give it.

Sometimes exploring compromises can be worth it.

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?NG

No more wrong than she is for possibly denying you complete happiness by sharing herself with others. There is no right or wrong in this.

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?NG

Put in your situation, I wouldn't. I feel healthy in being a "secondary' relationship to the one Redpepper has with her husband. His marriage is what makes this work for me so well. As an internally monogamous person who also has some pretty traditional conditioning around marriage I don't think I could do it.
 
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newguy

New member
MonoVCPHG,

Thanks for your responses...that was exactly where my head was...except the marriage thing...I'm wanna marry her more now that we are communicating openly then ever before!!!

I know that I may end up without her because of her feelings but for now...she will be Ms. Newguy soon...and my next Ex if she decides so...I guess I'm willing to take that chance!!!

Love you Kat!!!!;)
 

cheryl

New member
.. At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.

I always smiled at the thought of my man loving or loving on another woman, so I can't understand his feelings and he is not yet able to express them fully. I used to think it was simply a masculinity thing, but I think it goes deeper than that


God, I wish I knew. If you ever find out post it here.

I'm currently in a Vee relationship with a man who doesnt want me or his other girlfriend to be with any other man. Neither she or I really have time for another relationship, so although it is fundamentally unfair, it hasnt been a deal breaker so far.

But it is baffling.

I said to him a while ago: "You say that loving her doesnt make you don't love me any less', that its not a competition, that she and I are both unique individuals, that you've never been happier, that you really like feeling loved and cared for by two women and feeling like you've added happiness to our lives as well. So if all your reasons are positive and not selfish, and there's absolutely no reason for us to feel jealous or insecure, - If all this is true, and this has been such a wonderful, fulfilling experience for you, why wouldnt you want us to experience the same thing? Why wouldnt you say, I hope that if I cant be with you because I'm with the other one, or busy with work, you will have someone else you care about to make you happy, go places with, and talk to, or hold you at night?"

And his answer was: "I can't. I just couldn't stand to have either of you with another man. I couldnt handle it."

I read the other posts about historical views about women as property, but I'm not sure I agree that's the reason. Political thinking and even ones cultural upbringing seems to be amendable to reason, logic, experience. His reaction seems to be a lot more deep seated and emotional. I do wonder if it isnt hardwired into the brains of certain men, although I realize that sounds sexist. I swear, the illogicalness of his position on this makes me crazier than the unfairness of it.

So I hope someone answers your question.
 

Icewraithonyx

New member
My first reaction to the thought of Wife's physical intimacy was also extreme discomfort. (Actually, I think the idea of emotional intimacy worries me more.)

For me, I think it was the fact that Wife had been intimate with other people before we got married and she still loved me enough to get married. So I guess those relationship didn't damage our marriage. I'm taking it on faith that existing relationships won't neccessarily be detrimental either.

Another issue is that I dislike double-standards, so I disbelieve that it's always easier for a woman to deal with "her" man being with someone else than a man dealing with "his" woman being with another man.

Wife and BF are planning their first visit soon and while I'm freaking a little, I expect to be able to weather it. I'm hoping subsequent visits will be less and less uncomfortable.
 
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ThatGirlInGray

New member
I do wonder if it isnt hardwired into the brains of certain men, although I realize that sounds sexist.

I think not being able to handle your partner being with another person IS hardwired into the brains of some men AND women. So, not a sexist statement, just incomplete. :) Just like being mono or poly might be hardwired in most individuals.

For me, I think it was the fact that Wife had been intimate with other people before we got married and she still loved me enough to get married. So I guess those relationship didn't damage our marriage. I'm taking it on faith that existing relationships won't neccessarily be detrimental either.

This is an excellent point. Thanks. :)
 

redpepper

New member
1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try?

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?
1. Yes, anyone can surpress their feelings and desires, but it isn't healthy. People in marriages do it all the time and end up depressed, not looking after themselves, becoming bitter and resentful, doing things that they think will make them happy but add more burden (having kids to save their marriage).. only to find that they have lost track of what the real issues were to begin with. Forgetting that they once had an idea about what might of been the right path and that they choose not to go down it.

2. You can ask her to deny herself, sure. What she decides to do is up to her. Mono asked me not to have sex with anyone but the partners I already have. Well all but one that I had not had sex with before. Its been three years and I have stuck to that agreement. There have been times I have been resentful and times I am ready to push the issue. I have chosen that though. He suffers because of that and so do I. Really, we have gotten used to being uncomfortable with the the compromises we make. We have boundaries that work great but our compromises comprise of issues that I don't know if we would ever get through... I have (until yesterday) four partners though so I am covered. I don't need more and I have done my casual/sport sex bit and don't want that right now... so I am good for now.

3. Sure, get married, but know that you likely will either reach a point where you are both miserable and a change will occur by way of divorce or you changing your mind and can negotiate some kind of boundaries and challenge yourself on this. I would think VERY carefully on bringing kids into your relationship though.
 

cheryl

New member
I think not being able to handle your partner being with another person IS hardwired into the brains of some men AND women. So, not a sexist statement, just incomplete. :) Just like being mono or poly might be hardwired in most individuals.



/QUOTE]

But how can being poly or mono be hardwired into an individual, male or female, without accepting of it for others. Thats like saying "I'm gay, but I only want to be with straight men." If you really really feel it's right and good, it should be right and good for anyone, not just yuorself. But a lot of people, and not just my BF, are totally content with it when they are doing it, but get insanely jealous or at least nervous when their partner loves, cares, spends time with, etc. someone else. I realize that my own situation is unbalanced, but I've been reading a lot of posts here, and I can see that regardless of the relationship arrangement, most people struggle with this. Why is it so difficult?
 

Icewraithonyx

New member
I think it's harder to be the "sharer" vs the "shared". Like you stated in your well-reasoned question, there's all these positives upfront for the person with the multiple relationships. Being the mono can often feel like more of a compromise.

Personally, I think your question deserves a more emotionally intelligent answer than "I just can't." (As I said, I'm not fond of double standards and that's how this looks.)

Wife has said that she'd expect to be uncomfortable if I ever did want to pursue a relationship but she'd try her hardest to be supportive.
 

PolyKat

New member
I think it's harder to be the "sharer" vs the "shared". Like you stated in your well-reasoned question, there's all these positives upfront for the person with the multiple relationships. Being the mono can often feel like more of a compromise.

So true!
 

newguy

New member
Personally, I think your question deserves a more emotionally intelligent answer than "I just can't." (As I said, I'm not fond of double standards and that's how this looks.)

Wife has said that she'd expect to be uncomfortable if I ever did want to pursue a relationship but she'd try her hardest to be supportive.

Cheryl,

I agree with Ice...your question does need/deserve a more emotional intelligent answer...I will attemt to do this...

First let me say that I agree with you when you said "But how can being poly or mono be hardwired into an individual, male or female, without accepting of it for others" I have even asked Kat that question. You see, Kat told me that I could have another woman because her (what I can only discribe as a lifestyle) poly lifestyle allows for that (must say that she wanted me to have feelings for them; which is not possible for me)...I can't stomach the idea of her loving another man (with or without feelings) because of my lifestyle (mono with benefits). Both are "hardwired" within us...just as homosexuality or bi-sexuality are lifestyles that I feel are hardwired. Emotionally, I was willing to forgo my lifestyle (mono with benefits) to show my love for Kat. Then, I found out about her lifestyle and my emotions on this has gone from went to thinking of beening submissive to my feelings to satisfy her lifestyle.

So my emotional answer...
I am a (what some consider) a possive tradional mono. I can't understand how people in this lifestyle could be in love (sexually intimid) with more than one (equally or differently) at the same time but I can't understand homosexuality either. There are some mono(s) who do understand this lifestyle (I call them poly enablers; another lifestyle in my opinion)...so I beleive, to each his own. Anyway, my feelings of "me only" is my lifestyle and other lifestyles are not emotionally fulfilling to me; some consider my feelings as me being selfish and unreasonably blind to my partners needs. If that is the case, I'll gladly be "that guy". But I feel that my lifestyle is mine and shouldn't be "downgraded" for the benefit of others.

Probably didn't answer your question but at least it is off my chest.
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
But how can being poly or mono be hardwired into an individual, male or female, without accepting of it for others. Thats like saying "I'm gay, but I only want to be with straight men." If you really really feel it's right and good, it should be right and good for anyone, not just yuorself. But a lot of people, and not just my BF, are totally content with it when they are doing it, but get insanely jealous or at least nervous when their partner loves, cares, spends time with, etc. someone else. I realize that my own situation is unbalanced, but I've been reading a lot of posts here, and I can see that regardless of the relationship arrangement, most people struggle with this. Why is it so difficult?

First of all, I'll admit I was thinking more of newguy's situation, rather than yours, when I made the comment about some people being hardwired to not want to share. I don't think NG is a bad person for wanting to be mono or wanting his spouse to be mono, just like I don't think PolyKat is a bad person for wanting to be poly. They seem to have come to a resolution as far as their differences go, and I wish them the best!

You're absolutely right that it's not fair to have a double standard like that. Which is why, even if he IS hardwired to not want to share, he needs to work on moving past those thoughts and feelings so he can accept you and his other girlfriend practicing polyamory the same way he is. Otherwise he needs to find girlfriends that are happy to be mono while supporting his poly-ness.

(I call them poly enablers; another lifestyle in my opinion)
I prefer "poly-supportive"- "enabler" just has too many negative connotations :)
....so I beleive, to each his own. Anyway, my feelings of "me only" is my lifestyle and other lifestyles are not emotionally fulfilling to me; some consider my feelings as me being selfish and unreasonably blind to my partners needs. If that is the case, I'll gladly be "that guy". But I feel that my lifestyle is mine and shouldn't be "downgraded" for the benefit of others.

Absolutely. Your choice/desire is not "bad" and neither is PK's. The question isn't who's right and who's wrong, but can you reach a place in the middle where you both get enough of what you want/need to be happy/content? And since it seems you have for now, yay! :D
 

cjmobxnc

New member
I know you're keeping the thread focused on one particular question, but it got me thinking about one I've been mulling over for a while and it seemed to fit.

Why do some mono guys see no threat in their female partner dating another woman as well?

One conclusion I've come to is that men feel no sexual threat from women... like there is no competition, which sort of makes me smirk. But that's being filtered through my lady-like b.s. filter, I'd like to hear from men that really aren't put-off by their girlfriend dating another woman!

Could it be the fact that a lot of men look at their female partner dating another female in the way of "She can give my partner something I can't", in other words - they seem to associate it all with body parts.

Hope I'm not butting in where I'm not wanted....
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Woman know what woman want. Better than men ever could. So, reduced on the physical part of the problem, woman are more threatening to him :)

Actually, one of my bfs, The Hottie, knows how to please me orally better than anyone I've ever had. I can't imagine any woman doing a better job! His oral skills are 100% perfect and he just keeps going and going thru the ensuing flood. (and he knows how to use that "sausage" of his really well, besides)

OK, back to your regularly scheduled topic. :p
 

Somegeezer

New member
Actually, one of my bfs, The Hottie, knows how to please me orally better than anyone I've ever had. I can't imagine any woman doing a better job! His oral skills are 100% perfect and he just keeps going and going thru the ensuing flood. (and he knows how to use that "sausage" of his really well, besides)

OK, back to your regularly scheduled topic. :p
On similar lines, I often get complimented for my "performance" as such. =P If anything, these "floods" get me going even more. So I can almost see why The Hottie does. XD
But then again, if you can't please a woman, it could also be down to her just not being all that sensitive. Don't think I've ever met anyone who I haven't been able to make climax at all, but certainly some have been more difficult than others. =]
 
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