A woman or a weed?

Spiritowl

New member
Round up please? This woman won't go away.
I've posted on this before.
16 year on and off again girl friend, and now Ex of my current lover just won't disappear.
What sort of sway she holds over him I don't know.
Since March they have not spoken after she hacked into his phone account and email. He is having issues now letting go. Talking about how he wants to be her friend again. She caused me nothing but trouble. His wife who has become comfy with us detests her. I can't stand her. My husband can't stand her.
She is controlling and jealous.

They both commented on a mutual friends FB post and that's what started this new mess. She made a jab at him. And it hurt his feelings but he seems to feel guilty or like he owes her something.

He will not let it go. For two days we have been discussing this. I have not said he can't speak to her. I just told him I feel it's unwise. They re broken up and she could not abide juT being friends before so I completely expect her to push if he tries that.....

I can't co exist with this woman. She makes it impossible.

Is this a stage of grief for him?
I am doing my best to just listen. Perhaps gettin over her will take more time and more patience from me. I'm tired of fitting over her when she isn't even in the picture.

I almost wish he could just tell me he wants her instead. Then that would make it easier.
 

graviton

New member
I know the type and the only way to deal with them is a complete cold shoulder. You have to be harsh and cruel and make it known that you want them out of your life. Your lover apparently is unable to do that and so he acts as a channel for her to get into your life.
 

sparklepop

New member
When I'm faced with situations like this, I now decide to remove myself from the situation as much as possible. This can look like saying to you partner once, and only once, "I don't like this person. I don't like the effect she has on people around her. If you want her back in your life, that is your decision. However, I'm not willing to talk or hear about her. If you have a problem with her, please go to someone else."

Is that possible in your situation?

The reason I now do this is that my GF and I used to be, basically, all up in each other's business. When my GF didn't like a partner of mine, it was hell for me to be able to make my own decisions. Her reasons for not liking my former partner(s) were absolutely justifiable, but we all approach things differently. My GF is quick to cut people out of her life and I am not. I wonder if this might be the case for you and your partner too. However, because my GF essentially forced her views on me, we too would argue about people who weren't even there. It's not worth it.

My advice is to step back if you can and let your partner make his own decisions.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you struggle. :(

For whatever reasons, he is in this dynamic with her. For 16 years. So she comes as part of "his package." You do not date a poly single. You date a poly package when you date him -- he comes with a wife, a push-pull partner person, and whatever else he comes with.

I'm tired of fitting over her when she isn't even in the picture.

I can't co exist with this woman. She makes it impossible.

Fair enough. You are allowed to be over it/tired of it. You are at limit reached. What would you like to do about it? You do not say clearly.

I almost wish he could just tell me he wants her instead. Then that would make it easier.

Would make WHAT easier? Breaking it off yourself?

You cannot control her (coming back) behavior. You cannot control his (taking her back again) behavior.

You can only control your (willing & able to participate in this polyship) behavior.

To me it sounds like your willingness and ability are both dimming. To me it doesn't sound like either you or he are particularly assertive. You could make a choice about it now or could make a choice later.

If you want to choose "wait and see" make sure you give you a time limit so it you don't keep postponing and it becomes the endless snooze tag. That would not be you meeting your own need to be free of this woman in your orbit. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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Spiritowl

New member
Given more thought, no him telling me he would rather be with her wouldn't make any aspect easier. After coming down from this I see once again he just wants me to listen. Part of the growing process I imagine as we are still learning each other. After the spew things calmed greatly. He didn't say another word and was very grateful for me to listen.

However this weekend she chose to make contact.

I understand that with this relationship comes others. We have commuted to working though these issues. Even mistakes on both our parts if it ever happens. It's a huge jump from two years ago. She was so angry at me coming into the picture.

She has said she respects what we have and just wants to remain friends and have respect as his friend. My response to him was basically I don want anything to do with her. She brings drama everywhere she goes and if their relationship turns sexual again it will be even worse. So yes I want to be out of that. I don't want to hear the complaints about her. And I dot want to speak to her.

The last time I saw her in person I told her to leave my house. If they can have a beneficial friendship apart from me that is fine.

Thank you all for your comments, they are still welcome.
 

Zetandel

New member
If you find yourself in such a situation, then you should think about what is a great prospect for you and, based on this, make a choice. How about we talk about marijuana? For me, it's a good way to relax and take a break from what's around us. Sometimes most of all you just want to get away from reality weed is the best of all possible options. I started smoking when I was barely 14(then there were problems in the family and marijuana was a real discovery for me) and then marijuana was of poor quality, but over time I was able to afford real, high-quality and bright-tasting weed
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
When the title of this thread says, "A woman or a weed," I don't think the word "weed" was meant to signify cannabis.
 
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