About to get a load of manipulation from my metamour

hislittlekitten

New member
Some of you are familiar with my situation. My metamour is still struggling in her relationship with our shared partner and has requested to meet with me.

Initially, the gist of my response was this: we are in a V, my relationship is going well with him, if you have issues then we will bring it up together with him, and otherwise I'd like to know why you want to meet. This was not received well; I received a short, rude, passive-aggressive answer, and I had to bug my partner about it until she responded a little more like an adult.

So now we're meeting (again); while our first meeting supposedly went well, I learned a few months after that it had not and that she was still viewing me as competition. My partner promises that it's different this time, but it's been pulling teeth getting this woman to say it herself.

I view passive-aggressive behavior as attempts to control a situation. It clicked for me when my partner mentioned that he deals with her "ok whatever" attitude all the time. I almost took the bait, but thankfully didn't step over the line and made it clear that I am going to do what's in the best interest of me and my partner.

Any thoughts? Any ideas? Questions that might help you understand what's going on? I really don't know what I'm asking. I'm kind of venting. I've gotten very tired and rundown from all of this, especially since my relationship with my partner has been fantastic.
 

Leetah

Member
So you are or are not in text communication with your metamour now? When did you make it clear that you are going to do what is in the best interest of your relationship with your partner? I am not sure what to make of you bugging your partner into bugging her into a more mature response to your reply. I know things have been off kilter with your metamour and with your partner perhaps letting her drama leak into your relationship. It sort of sounds like more of that happening here.

Leetah
 

Inyourendo

New member
If you don't want to meet with her again you don't have to. Firmly say no, you have no interest in dealing with her and don't ask you again for another meeting.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I tend to agree with Inyourendo, consider saying no to a meeting with this metamour. It doesn't sound like she's acting any better, so what could a meeting with her accomplish? Tell Kit you changed your mind (I take it Letty is the metamour in question).

If you do meet with her, definitely insist that Kit be there also.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Totally reasonable to want to know what she wants from this meeting. Because it is not your job to help her solve the (him + her) problems.

So when you asked clarifying questions about why she wants to meet -- rather than explain she sent you rude stuff.

I think that is reason enough to NOT meet with her. Who needs more drama in person? Honestly she sounds like an attention seeker. Like she doesn't care if it is good attention or bad attention so long as she's in the spotlight getting it all.

Could be more flat next time and not bug the hinge to get her to "behave." He is not her keeper.

Could reply to her email and CC hinge:

"At this time, I am not willing to meet to discuss (you + him) problems. Please talk to each other directly. Those concerns belong to (you + him.) Please do not involve me.

I am only willing to discuss 3 people concerns like calendar schedules and sex health hygiene labs. "​

Then in future you can just play the broken record. Cut&paste the same answer every time she tries drama. Polite, short, and sweet: You do this stuff. You do NOT do this stuff.

I've gotten very tired and rundown from all of this, especially since my relationship with my partner has been fantastic.

Only you can determine if the return is worth the investment.

He comes with another partner and she's gonna be around. This the price of admission to being here. If you don't like paying it any more, could break up with him and be rid of them both. Then you could not be drained any more.

I wish I could think of other solutions, but that's all I can see that you have direct control over. :(

1) Could decide to play the broken record for X number of times. (Pick a reasonable number for you. It wouldn't be 1000 times of this same old song, right?)

2) If it hits X times, you break up with him in order to be rid of her. Then strong boundaries are not needed. They no longer apply. You are free of this.

Galagirl
 
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MightyMax

Banned
Some of you are familiar with my situation. My metamour is still struggling in her relationship with our shared partner and has requested to meet with me.

Initially, the gist of my response was this: we are in a V, my relationship is going well with him, if you have issues then we will bring it up together with him, and otherwise I'd like to know why you want to meet. This was not received well; I received a short, rude, passive-aggressive answer, and I had to bug my partner about it until she responded a little more like an adult.

So now we're meeting (again); while our first meeting supposedly went well, I learned a few months after that it had not and that she was still viewing me as competition. My partner promises that it's different this time, but it's been pulling teeth getting this woman to say it herself.

I view passive-aggressive behavior as attempts to control a situation. It clicked for me when my partner mentioned that he deals with her "ok whatever" attitude all the time. I almost took the bait, but thankfully didn't step over the line and made it clear that I am going to do what's in the best interest of me and my partner.

Any thoughts? Any ideas? Questions that might help you understand what's going on? I really don't know what I'm asking. I'm kind of venting. I've gotten very tired and rundown from all of this, especially since my relationship with my partner has been fantastic.
If I remember rightly, you are both in competition with each other. You were desperate for her to acknowledge your place in his life, he used to text her during sex with you or something and a few of us said it sounds like you want your partner to be monogamous with you etc etc

I can't see how further contact between you will help very much. I'd decline and keep it email based, perhaps.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
....she was still viewing me as competition. My partner promises that it's different this time, but it's been pulling teeth getting this woman to say it herself.

There's no need to get her to say or admit to anything. If you don't want a competitive atmosphere, don't compete. There can't be competition in your world if you are not participating, no mater what anyone else is experiencing, doing or saying. There's no such thing as competition without two or more competitiors, so if you want to fade out the competitive vibe, don't look to her to drop her end of the rope, look within.
 

hislittlekitten

New member
So you are or are not in text communication with your metamour now? When did you make it clear that you are going to do what is in the best interest of your relationship with your partner? I am not sure what to make of you bugging your partner into bugging her into a more mature response to your reply. I know things have been off kilter with your metamour and with your partner perhaps letting her drama leak into your relationship. It sort of sounds like more of that happening here.

Leetah

I am in text communication with her and I made it clear I am doing this in support of our shared partner after the initial response I gave her, which was that I would like to know what purpose she has for meeting.

I bugged him because after she approached me, and after I said that we're in a V / Kit and I are doing well / would prefer it be all three of us if there are issues, she went to HIM and said she didn't like my response. That was a red flag to me; that she insisted she wanted something (a dialogue with me) but, upon receiving a straight-forward (and not rude!) response, she went straight back to him.

Yes, the drama leaks a bit. I've told my partner that I refuse to allow the passive-aggressive behavior to continue with me. He enables her passive-aggressive behavior and apparently this happens constantly with her.
 

hislittlekitten

New member
If I remember rightly, you are both in competition with each other. You were desperate for her to acknowledge your place in his life, he used to text her during sex with you or something and a few of us said it sounds like you want your partner to be monogamous with you etc etc

I can't see how further contact between you will help very much. I'd decline and keep it email based, perhaps.

My gripe for a long time has been that she has considered me a temporary partner, even before Kit decided that he wants to have a primary relationship with me. She disregarded me from the beginning, yet I have always respected her place in his life.

And no, I don't want him to be monogamous with me, just FYI. But I am struggling with the way my metamour 'conducts' polyamory, if you will, by always doing these things.

edit: for the sake of transparency, we have also discussed other forms of non-monogamy, a few of which we're seeming to like (we have a shared FWB and a couple we intend to swap with), so... poly is still our bigger struggle, I guess.

So... maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but I will at least listen to her and let her talk soon. If she requests I change something, or brings up something she thinks is an issue (and should be discussed between the three of us), the meeting is over. I've told my partner this and he understands and doesn't fault me for it. I think he is suspicious of her motives as well.

Thanks also inyouredo and kdt26417. I appreciate the responses.
 
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hislittlekitten

New member
Totally reasonable to want to know what she wants from this meeting. Because it is not your job to help her solve the (him + her) problems.

So when you asked clarifying questions about why she wants to meet -- rather than explain she sent you rude stuff.

I think that is reason enough to NOT meet with her. Who needs more drama in person? Honestly she sounds like an attention seeker. Like she doesn't care if it is good attention or bad attention so long as she's in the spotlight getting it all.

Could be more flat next time and not bug the hinge to get her to "behave." He is not her keeper.

Thank you, I agree with this. I think I probably took her bait when I did anything other than respond the way I'd intended to and waited for a response.

Could reply to her email and CC hinge:

"At this time, I am not willing to meet to discuss (you + him) problems. Please talk to each other directly. Those concerns belong to (you + him.) Please do not involve me.

I am only willing to discuss 3 people concerns like calendar schedules and sex health hygiene labs. "​

Then in future you can just play the broken record. Cut&paste the same answer every time she tries drama. Polite, short, and sweet: You do this stuff. You do NOT do this stuff.

Absolutely a great response. Thank you. I guess I will have to keep this in mind when I do let her meet with me this weekend (sigh).



Only you can determine if the return is worth the investment.

He comes with another partner and she's gonna be around. This the price of admission to being here. If you don't like paying it any more, could break up with him and be rid of them both. Then you could not be drained any more.

Yes, I am finally reaching the point where this is starting to be enough for me. I've made it clear to him that this is getting to wear on me. I know it's wearing on him. Also, without divulging too much super-personal information, I do know that he has in mind how he feels about them breaking up.

I wish I could think of other solutions, but that's all I can see that you have direct control over. :(

1) Could decide to play the broken record for X number of times. (Pick a reasonable number for you. It wouldn't be 1000 times of this same old song, right?)

2) If it hits X times, you break up with him in order to be rid of her. Then strong boundaries are not needed. They no longer apply. You are free of this.

Galagirl

I figure this will be her chance to talk to me and I'll see how reasonable she is. If she brings up an issue that Kit should be a part of, then the conversation is over. If she truly wants to get to know me and have a connection, then I will at least be open to that. I'll be honest - I'm suspicious of that, too, so I will be watching what I say. Anyone who is passive-aggressive the way she is strikes me as a manipulative person who won't stop at "no" and kindness.
 

hislittlekitten

New member
There's no need to get her to say or admit to anything. If you don't want a competitive atmosphere, don't compete. There can't be competition in your world if you are not participating, no mater what anyone else is experiencing, doing or saying. There's no such thing as competition without two or more competitiors, so if you want to fade out the competitive vibe, don't look to her to drop her end of the rope, look within.

*like* well, I don't really view her as competition. I've made it a long way in that it's pretty easy for me to tell my partner, "go enjoy seeing Letty!" and "I hope Letty is doing well." And I genuinely mean those things. For me, it has not been a competition - and if it was in the beginning, it didn't last long. I learned a long time ago that I am quite a different person and have a different role in my partner's life. I'm quite proud that as a monogamous person I've been able to make these distinctions.

I'll be thinking about more ways to improve on this. Thank you for the feedback.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Let us know how the meeting with her goes, if you're willing.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

WhatHappened

New member
My gripe for a long time has been that she has considered me a temporary partner, even before Kit decided that he wants to have a primary relationship with me. She disregarded me from the beginning, yet I have always respected her place in his life.

As I'm not familiar with your story...was she originally a primary to him? Because if she was and now you are...she essentially got demoted. I can see why she feels insecure. If you were both his girlfriend, and only you got elevated to 'primary' status, ditto.

The little bit I've seen in this thread, I do not get the impression you respect her or her place in his life.

I would just add that we all want to control our situations. It's human nature. She does, you do, he does, there are entire armies of writers telling us how to behave to get what we want--ie, control our situations.
 

Inyourendo

New member
As I'm not familiar with your story...was she originally a primary to him? Because if she was and now you are...she essentially got demoted. I can see why she feels insecure. If you were both his girlfriend, and only you got elevated to 'primary' status, ditto.

The little bit I've seen in this thread, I do not get the impression you respect her or her place in his life.

I would just add that we all want to control our situations. It's human nature. She does, you do, he does, there are entire armies of writers telling us how to behave to get what we want--ie, control our situations.

From my understanding her metmore has a husband
 

hislittlekitten

New member
As I'm not familiar with your story...was she originally a primary to him? Because if she was and now you are...she essentially got demoted. I can see why she feels insecure. If you were both his girlfriend, and only you got elevated to 'primary' status, ditto.

The little bit I've seen in this thread, I do not get the impression you respect her or her place in his life.

I would just add that we all want to control our situations. It's human nature. She does, you do, he does, there are entire armies of writers telling us how to behave to get what we want--ie, control our situations.

Yes I respect her place in his life. I feel like I spend all my time accommodating what she wants: "Is Letty ok with us going to (fill in the blank) tonight?" "Have you figured out what nights you're going to see Letty?" I clean up the house for her arrival. I make plans for the nights they want to see each other. I give my boyfriend advice on how to make sure he treats her better. I WANT him to do well with her.

He didn't really have a primary. She was the person he was seeing. He insisted she wasn't his girlfriend. He didn't want to do a primary/secondary structure. That changed. It kind of surprised me because I wasn't expecting it.

Sure we all want to control our situations. But sometimes it requires making agreements and sticking to them. Sometimes that's the only control you can have. I feel like that isn't good enough for my metamour.
 

hislittlekitten

New member
Just a quick update. The meeting went well. It was more about confirming why things have changed; why the time he and I spend so much time together, for instance. She also wanted clarification about things because to her, she could not pinpoint if their issues were about me or were between the two of them.

It felt really good to have a good meeting with her. We agreed we should improve metamour relations. So in a way, yes she wanted certain things from me; but now that these things have been given - like confirmation that I wasn't causing her problems intentionally, that a buildup of resentment and bad communication has taken its toll - that she wants to improve our connection.

I'm really excited - she wants me to meet her husband and I'm happy that she wants to include me more. I don't think she is so much opposed to me being a 'primary' partner as she felt - me being the monogamous one - that it had something to do with that, and that I was trying to take him away from her.

Thanks for all your advice. It turned up somewhere in the middle of what I was expecting and the ideal, but closer to the ideal result. I'm hoping and planning on things being a lot better.

On a less fortunate note, it does mean some work for my partner. He needs to work on his communication. It will mean some introspection and improvement on his part.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thanks for all your advice. It turned up somewhere in the middle of what I was expecting and the ideal, but closer to the ideal result. I'm hoping and planning on things being a lot better.

Glad it went ok and turned out middle-ish like that.

On a less fortunate note, it does mean some work for my partner. He needs to work on his communication. It will mean some introspection and improvement on his part.

I imagine so. Because all this stuff...

I feel like I spend all my time accommodating what she wants: "Is Letty ok with us going to (fill in the blank) tonight?" "Have you figured out what nights you're going to see Letty?" I clean up the house for her arrival. I make plans for the nights they want to see each other. I give my boyfriend advice on how to make sure he treats her better.

Sounds like YOU doing a lot of his jobs for him, to be honest. Or going along behind him making sure he gets it done.

To me it sounds like he could step it up on the hinge front and own it more... and maybe you and Letty both are realizing this? Because you are run down from extra load and she's not getting enough info from him.

Galagirl
 
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