Adventures in sparkletown!


New member
Hi hello <3 I was sending a series of frantic texts to a friend about how overwhelmed and excited I feel about All the Poly Things, and then thought: oh yeah, the forum! So I figure I'll just start sharing some of the feels here and availing myself in general of folks' experience.

I haven't posted since my initial intro way back in February. Reading it now is, well, humbling. The "very healthy relationship" I referred to being in with my then-spouse, N, has since ended. Not because of my being poly, or any particular wrongdoing, just a coming-to-clarity about how different our needs are in relationship and how lonely I felt. We've been separated for more than half a year and are finally able to pursue legal divorce according to the laws of the state we live in. No shared property, no kids, no animosity, so I'm grateful for that.

Some months after our split, I started seeing Prince (they/them), a friend I'd made at a residency program back when I'd been married and monogamous. We sparked right away and despite the distance (they live about a thousand miles west of me), we sizzled right into what very quickly became a deep and satisfying relationship. Prince identifies as poly by orientation, and was in the process of renegotiating things with a long-term partner when we started talking. Since then, that partnership has become a friendship. Prince also had a couple comet-love situations going on, and a non-sexual partner they consider somewhere sweet but hard-to-describe between romantic and platonic. That partner (I'll call him Amos) is still in Prince's life, but the comet loves have been set gently on the shelf for the past six weeks or so when we decided to cozy into an open-ended moment of exclusivity. The agreement was "for now, since it feels good, for as long as it feels good."

I experienced quite a bit of attachment trauma growing up, so the past couple weeks of exclusivity gave me a moment to process some of my fears in a way that felt emotionally safe to me. Due to the timing of things in Prince's life and the nuclear-levels of very-much-in-love, just-want-to-stare-at-each-other-for-hours type of way we were both feeling, it's felt good for him, too--"a brief, fascinating experiment in monogamy," he described it.

This past weekend I had a series of breakthroughs/clarities around some of my fears and hangups around nonmonogamy with Prince; most of them, turns out, had to do with crappy crap I learned about boundaries growing up in an alcoholic household, and separation anxieties I've long felt as the child of a suicidally depressed parent. Once I was able to really feel my way through some of that baggage, I came out the other side feeling very, very clear that yes, indeed, I am a person who crushes on lots of people (I like to call them 'sparkles'), am very romantic and fall in love often and easily, and in fact, I want a big, expansive life full of partnerships and sex and exploration.

So, yeah. I shared my underworld journeyings with Prince, who as per usual was very loving and impressed by my emotional courage and expressed some excitement at the prospect of moving forward from our Exclusivity Moment into the brave new world (to me) of poly relating. They were also kind of charmed by my childlike, wondery overwhelm. I shared a couple of folks who sparkled for me with Prince, which seems like such a small thing but is a very new maneuver for me, this sharing-of-the-crushes and it-being-welcomed-and-ok. I think, for me, for tonight? It's enough to just vacuum the shit out of my apartment and marvel at the fact that I get to be my full self in this relationship, that I don't have to hide my feelings for others, that there's just so much shimmering possibility out there for loving partnerships of varying configurations.

Anyhow. This is a long background kind of post and I should go do some life-related things. I just wanted to put my little newbie flag proudly in the sand. More soon! Adventuring onwards!


New member
Soooo I'm home with the flu. Honestly, it's kind of nice to be off work and get babied a little <3 a new friend who's studying to be a nurse brought me a huge pile of treats--tea, soup, theraflu powder--so I'm feeling tended to. I'm pretty healthy otherwise so I think I'll come thru it quickly.

I slept a little fitfully last night, probably because I'm sick, but also my mind's been racing a bit ever since sharing my crushes with Prince. As I mentioned above, this is new to me; growing up, love was a really competitive sport between my brothers and me, always vying for limited attention. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself as I feel into what's next.

One of my crushes is on a poet I know here--let's call her Jem. We've had at least three separate meet-cutes at this point; the first time was when I was still married to N and she was working at a restaurant we went to often. I blurted out to her how I thought she was beautiful (which is pretty typical me), and then apologized the next time we went in, as I also work in the service industry and don't always welcome compliments from strangers in that setting. She said it was okay and I could call her beautiful whenever I wanted. Big blush. I avoided eye contact for a long time after that.

Our next run-in was at an open-mic. I read some of my writing, and she read some of her poems, which were really great. I'd broken up with N by then and had actually gone out to the event hoping to maybe hook up with a guy. Well, the guy was incredibly boring, and left early, and I ended up chatting with Jem for an hour at the bar afterward about literature and writing and it felt like such a click. Truly, it felt like a surprise date.

The most recent embarrassing moment came when I was stoned, reading a bunch of her poems on her instagram. I was dating Prince by then and meant to forward a bunch of them to him; he's also a poet and I thought he'd like them. Instead, my stoned ass sent them all--including gushing comments about how great they were--to her instead! God. She was like, "um Tyler are you okay" and I died.

Oh well though; this is typical me, heart on my sleeve, earnest and obvious.

Anyway, since things with Prince and I got more committed, I pulled back from Jem a bit. I think I did it instinctively. It's just what I've always done when I'm partnered but feel sparkles for someone else: I have to pretty much remove myself from them or I get really guilty and confused as my feelings escalate. However: enter polyamory! There was actually a night recently hanging out with Prince when I was reading him an entry from a high school journal where I was so sad because I ended up kissing a crush while I was still dating a guy monogomously and felt devastated and so hard on myself for it. Prince was like, "aw sweetie, maybe you're just poly."

A couple nights ago I told Prince I was interested hanging out with Jem between now and January, when I'll be moving away from my current state to nest with Prince out west where they live. So I sent Jem a few texts yesterday and we went back and forth a bit. I'm feeling like I'd enjoy reconnecting with them next week during Open Gym at this circus arts place in town (both of us also do weirdo acro stuff for fun). I feel like it would be a low-stakes way to feel into a vibe, if there is one, and do some light information gathering. As in: I don't know if Jem is seeing anyone, or even open to dating someone with a partner, or even if she was, if she'd want to with someone less than 8 weeks away from relocating.

All I know is I feel curious, and that my sparkles aren't usually wrong! Even if it just ends up friendly, I really admire her and would welcome a reconnect if it feels natural.

Another part of me still feels really nervy about the whole enterprise of pursuing anything with her while being so in love with Prince. It's just such an enormous paradigm shift for me, and brings up sooooo many fears. Keeping my feelings for others a secret from my partner has been a way of life for more than thirty years. So I'm trying to be easy with myself and not force anything and follow my body: if I feel too stressed or edgy about it, there's no rush.

Alright, I'm feeling a bit achy. Gonna take a bath and a nap and try to rest my way through this moment of flu. Hugs, T

ps--I'm not looking for advice, but welcome hello's and if you happen to relate to anything I've said, I'd be happy to know your experiences <3


Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello SweetSparkle_88,

I do relate in that I know how it is to crush on multiple people, and I know how it is to keep quiet about those crushes, especially around my monogamous partner. Poly is a new thing in this world, although precursors have been practiced in past centuries. I think most of us are trained to think monogamously; polyamory is a foreign fit. Yet most of us have crushes on multiple people; it is human nature.

I hope your flu goes away soon.
Kevin T.