Advice appreciated, does it ever go well for the unicorn?

O

orlyon

New member
Hello beautiful poly people!

Does it ever work out well for the unicorn?

This is a long one, My partner and I are both active in our local poly groups and on places like fetlife (we have a D/s dynamic) so it's hard for me to find places to talk...I have been registered here for years but only ever lurked. I know there is much wisdom here.

My partner J and I have been together with some breaks for 5 years, we had an unplanned pregnancy and now have a 2yo son who we are committed to raising together. Our most recent break was last October and we both through that this was it... but we have worked hard to remain friends.

Lots of factors have influenced our relationship breaks but many of these have been resolved and we have both independently experienced immense personal growth in the last 6 months +.

J started dating again and became heavily involved with one of the women he was seeing, at her request he ceased seeing another woman he was fond of. They have moved in together and were actively seeking play partners and have maintained a sexually open relationship, however it has largely been J's new partner (let's call her n) who has been having sexual encounters with the caveat that there is no emotional connection.

J and I decided to rekindle our relationship, this has been actively encouraged by n since they met. For the first 10 days it seemed the three of us could be very happy, it was absolute bliss, she was calling us a triad and J was over the moon. Then it suddenly changed.

n has decided that she cannot be be in a relationship with me. There has been a narrative developed that paints me as manipulative and dangerous, J hid his relationship from me out of fear of hurting me (I knew about it though so there was a weird period of feeling gaslighted and us both ignoring the giant elephant in the room). This seems to have left her an impression that I am unstable?

n came over the other night and we had a long talk about poly and relationship signifiers and how they might look (J has never been conventional) I answered her honestly and openly only to get an angry call from J the next morning indicating that I had done something wrong. It seems that the account of our conversation from n made it seem like I had said things that were extremely inappropriate and upsetting, n was reluctant to discuss this in front of me but from what she and J said I don't feel she was very accurate or fair in her description of our conversation with him.

I feel violated and manipulated, we have been having sex together which is always a massive deal for me and I have welcomed her into our sons life (again a huge show of trust) . Everything she said before now made it seem that she was as happy as we were.

Now she has pulled the plug. If J wants any hope of this working J and i need to adhere to a very strict regimen that limits our contact. J is no longer allowed to be alone with me, I can no longer visit their home and the only time I can see J is when they come to my home together. She has agreed to date me but only under her terms. I am allowed email contact and only to the point, mostly child related contact via phone.

J wants me to go with it, I want to trust that this is just her freaking out about poly and needing time but I feel like she has been testing J he failed the test and now it feels like she wants to see him hurt me to reassure herself that she is his priority. This is a really dark and horrible thing to think about anyone, particularly someone I was making love to just days ago.


J says I need to be a unicorn for awhile and trust him in this process. I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt, I really want to trust that she is a good person and just having a wobble but I'm really scared.
 
It sounds like a garbage fire to me. Why would you want to sign up for a relationship like that?

Tell him to come back once she's finished wobbling and you'll think about it... maybe.
 
arrrgh...I know, I know and I am sure HE knows this too.

I think he just really wants to do the right thing by someone new to poly and someone he cares for. I really want to support that... I'm just not sure how to do that other than just be a doormat to her and see how it goes.

I'm willing to try it for my kid.
 
Try what for your kid? Model how to endure an unhealthy relationship? Do you want him to grow up thinking that's how you should be treated by the people you're closest to, or would you prefer he has more functional role models in his life?
 
It's a mess.

To me, the relationship with J alone sounds complicated. You've been on and off, and this is likely to happen again even if it wasn't for n. I think it would be best for the stability of you and your son to leave romance out of it and only build a healthy coparents relationship.

With n? Doesn't sound very transparent. The situation is one big mess. You don't know why she encouradged your relationship in the first place. Was it to "even the score" with sex? and she turned around when she found out there was actually romance?

Now she has pulled the plug. If J wants any hope of this working J and i need to adhere to a very strict regimen that limits our contact. J is no longer allowed to be alone with me, I can no longer visit their home and the only time I can see J is when they come to my home together. She has agreed to date me but only under her terms. I am allowed email contact and only to the point, mostly child related contact via phone.
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He is the father of your son, and she is going to supervise every interaction he has with you (and him)?
She sais bad things about you, she is not very respecting or loving. Why do you want to date her? Do you want to date him so badly, that you started a relationship with her too?
I suggest you don't accept the rules. Better no deal then a bad deal.
If he still wants to date you? Perhaps he can negotiate better term with his new partner. If not, you can still go back to being friends and coparents. I suppose that if she tries to put herself between him and his son he will soon see how crazy that is.

I suppose things do sometimes work well for the unicorn, but you have a lot more going on then being their "unicorn".
 
Hi orlyon,

It sounds to me like you are being treated badly by both J and N. I would suggest breaking up with both of them, but I know that's probably not what you'd want to do. I imagine you will try to keep seeing J what little you can under N's rules. I'm sorry that N won't be more understanding.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I, personally, would not be up for any relationship where one person got to dictate terms. I realize that it's going to be SO much more difficult to negotiate this since he's the father of your child, but anyone else in the world I'd cut contact and in this case I'd seriously give up on the romantic side of things.
 
I agree with what's been said: it's a steaming mess. Attempting to unpack the situation feels pointless.

It's a GREAT example of egocentric manipulation being fobbed off as somehow "poly," a label that somehow makes it all not just acceptable, but GOOD. :mad:

They're supposedly D/s. Probably "24/7" too, right? :rolleyes: Let me guess: since N is calling the shots, she must be the "sub." :D

Your J is (at best) using you as a backup plan, in case the gig with N flames out.
J hid his relationship from me out of fear of hurting me
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Ah, such compassionate, caring, empathic BULLSHIT.

Go ahead, be the enabler, because if/when N drops out of the picture, you'll have all that experience at hand when J happens to start up with someone else. Nothing wrong with the role of dedicated ragdoll; kinda sucks that your perpetual waiting will reduce your ability to focus on your child, but that too is your choice.
 
Going back to the original question: Does it ever go well for the unicorn?

From what I've seen here and elsewhere online, it can, but rarely. The successful triads seem to form on the basis of an unplanned and unexpected attraction between metamors which is then approached with good will and open communication by all involved.

I see very little attraction and almost no good will in what you describe of your situation.
 
Wow...you guys really don't pull your punches huh? :p

The thing is...it did start out really great, J and I took n at her word, the change was sudden and extreme.

I am hoping that it is just a 'new to poly and freaking out' situation, as such I'm willing to accommodate that. J and I have poly experience N does not, N comes from a swinging background so I totally get that this is new and difficult.

I have always been sceptical about the old 'go at the pace of the slowest person' advice out of concern that it can be used as a crutch by that slowest person.

I guess the question I really have is does this work and what are the signs that someone is making an effort. Which of course is rather subjective....

Anyway, it felt good to vent at least.
 
It doesn't sound to me like N is trying, due to how stringent the restrictions are that she placed on you and J seeing each other. I could be wrong, of course.
 
orlyon said:
Wow...you guys really don't pull your punches huh?
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Speaking only for myself, my sad experience is that if I broach a difficult observation to someone with lots of tenderness & support, they almost always will then run off & act stupidly AND THEN blame me for the failure of my advice that they totally ignored. :mad: Seems like going "once & done" can't do any worse & takes less effort.

You're making excuses for N being a noob to this whole thing, yet
They ... were actively seeking play partners and have maintained a sexually open relationship
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&
it has largely been J's new partner (let's call her n) who has been having sexual encounters
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I'm sure there's a term for it, but it sounds more like J & N are constantly grasping at new experiences -- bdsm, bisexuality, swinging, poly -- so as to avoid learning a damned thing.

IME, it sounds like a "sub" gone power-mad. You said she's already forced J to end one of his relationships, & now she's gunning for you -- exactly HOW is this ridiculous tale going to get *>better<* for you if you let it continue?

And, again, if you can accept the manipulation & abuse, & the effects on your kid, that's your choice to make. But please don't delude yourself.
 
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It may be a "new to poly, learning situation", though from your description it sounds more like you have been effectivelly vetoed.

orlyon said:
I have always been sceptical about the old 'go at the pace of the slowest person' advice out of concern that it can be used as a crutch by that slowest person.

I guess the question I really have is does this work and what are the signs that someone is making an effort. Which of course is rather subjective....
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Another member, Galagirl, is always giving advice to allow just for a certain number of "mistakes" of "strikes" happening. (I hope I don't misinterpret it now :D.)
He (or she) does something unacceptable to you? Like her completelly turning her opinion around within hours? Make clear this is unacceptable, problem solve. Similar situation happens once again? Ok, maybe this is a mistake. Happens a X time? You are done with that person. (Where X may be 3 or another number you find suitable - hopefully a small one.) How many freak outs are you willing to take? Then you have a boundary on what you are willing to deal with.
Just in case you find this method useful.
 
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what is a unicorn

Im new to the polyamory life style. what is the unicorn?
 
The term "unicorn" denotes the mythical "hot, bi babe" sought by so many newly opening wanna-be poly couples. She's mythical not because hot bi babes don't exist, but because the unspoken assumptions made by the Unicorn Hunting couple are so restrictive that few non-mythical women will want to have anything to do with them once they're out in the open. That, of course, is taken by the UH couple as evidence of the flightiness of the unicorn rather than the fact that they're trying to squish her into a box they designed without consulting her.

Instead of trying to explain it myself, here's a much better-written post on unicorn hunters. So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?
 
From what i read here I'm not sure that what they really want is called a unicorn, or even poly. To me they want some type of submissive that they can control on their (or her) terms, use and abuse, then shelve until the next. While there is nothing wrong with that if consensual, I do not think it's healthy in this case. There seems to be a lot of drama and manipulation going on for any relationship stability.
From what ive seen, Yes there is cases where it work's out well for the unicorn. However there are also cases where the unicorn is the one that causes trauma to the couple.
 
Yah, I've seen happy triads where the "unicorn" was a strong-willed, calm, & poly-experienced woman. Now that I think, though, in all those instances she was a bit older than the couple.

And maybe it "works out well" for for a unicorn if she moves in, takes over, & becomes a self-centered brat, the worst fusion of independent adult & snotty teen.

Commonly, the sought-after unicorn is younger than the couple -- not unusually about half the years of the male. Though I've heard of male unicorns, almost all being sought are female.

And it's going to be a closed relationship. Period.

Their ISO is usually along the lines of "We'll do ANYTHING to find OUR GIRL!!"

Umm... no. In many instances, when a hunter couple starts to unpack their desires, we soon learn they hope she'll sell her house (immediately), pack the kids off to the ex, move halfway across the country (at her own cost), break contact with friends, get rid of any pets, have no furniture, share THEIR bedroom, take care of their kids, pop out a baby or three for them ("& we'll adopt it!!"), be a live-in housekeeper, &/or quickly get a good-paying job.

A few times, the couple -- even before they find a first prospect -- is already discussing when they should add a SECOND "girl."

I mean, there's MYTHS, then there's CRAZY. :p
 
Ravenscroft said:
Yah, I've seen happy triads where the "unicorn" was a strong-willed, calm, & poly-experienced woman. Now that I think, though, in all those instances she was a bit older than the couple.

And maybe it "works out well" for for a unicorn if she moves in, takes over, & becomes a self-centered brat, the worst fusion of independent adult & snotty teen.

Commonly, the sought-after unicorn is younger than the couple -- not unusually about half the years of the male. Though I've heard of male unicorns, almost all being sought are female.

And it's going to be a closed relationship. Period.

Their ISO is usually along the lines of "We'll do ANYTHING to find OUR GIRL!!"

Umm... no. In many instances, when a hunter couple starts to unpack their desires, we soon learn they hope she'll sell her house (immediately), pack the kids off to the ex, move halfway across the country (at her own cost), break contact with friends, get rid of any pets, have no furniture, share THEIR bedroom, take care of their kids, pop out a baby or three for them ("& we'll adopt it!!"), be a live-in housekeeper, &/or quickly get a good-paying job.

A few times, the couple -- even before they find a first prospect -- is already discussing when they should add a SECOND "girl."

I mean, there's MYTHS, then there's CRAZY. :p
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That is absolutely terrifying... I'm going to have nightmares now.
 
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