After a quarter of a century


New member
Three years ago my husband of more than 20 years and I had a male friend of his over for a few drinks. I was immediately attracted to him the first time I met his friend more than a year before that.

So that night we all got very plastered. Although I don't remember any of the sex part of it....My husband was devastated. Our friend left the state after that but stayed in contact with me.

Fast forward a year and he was back and we had one more encounter. My husband was present. Our friend left again for 7 months, staying in contact with me because whenever my husband answers the phone he is very short with my other lover.

My other lover has been back since May. I am avoiding contact because this is what my husband wishes me to do. The other came into my place of employment a month ago and cornered me in the kitchen. He kissed me, told me he would always love me and that he missed me terribly.

I told my husband and he agreed to invite him back to our house for dinner. I was happy....until my husband and my daughters' fiancee took the other outside for a chat. Thankfully it didn't get physical.

I am confused. Sometimes my husband acts like he wants a poly life. He brings it up even when I have learned to keep my feelings to myself. I am not looking for multiple partners. I want the both of them to myself and they both know this......
Never thought this would happen after 25 years of monogamy.:(
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Welcome to the forum

Sounds tough- almost like he wants to want a poly life, but when confronted with it, cannot deal.

I wonder what he has said to you- i.e.- bringing it up- what conversations took place after the first encounter and before and after the subsequent ones.

Does he want the arrangement you describe? You have two lovers and he remains monogamous with you?

What of your husband and lover's friendship? Does it still exist or is their relationship purely hostile at this point?

I look forward to hearing more about your situation and getting to know you.
I want the both of them to myself and they both know this......
First, I would say that your husband probably gets off on the sex "in the moment" and like many people the post sex crash where reason overides passion is making him react that way.

I also doubt if he is willing to share your love and heart as much as he is willing to share your body during those times.

Secondly, you say you want them both to yourself. Does this mean you don't want to share him and your other lover with other women? If so, my question at that point is "do you really want a poly life?"

When one partner gets to enjoy multiple loves and the other is essentially forbidden then you are more polygamist than polyamorous.

I hope you find your way
Take care
My husband brings it up sometimes during sex. Other tmes he brings up the fact that while he did share me sexually he doesn't want me to be emotionally involved with anyone else. I've never been interested in casual sex. He knew this before we brought our friend into that intimate place.

The actual sex acts with the other man only occurred twice in three years but the emotional attachment has been ongoing. Our friend hasn't had sex with anyone except me in three years, although he says he's tried. I even have encouraged him to because I've thought that if he did have sex with someone else the emotional attachment that I feel towards him would cease.

My husband knows how I feel. Our relationship has always been built on honesty. He knows that I can't help the way I feel. I also understand his insecurities concerning our friend.

I love my husband. He is a good man. I don't want to complicate my life with multiple partners.

Am I being selfish? How can I resolve this situation?
I don't know what handle to put on my situation. I do know my heart though. I am compassionate and thinking that I hurt anyone causes me a great deal of pain.

My husband has been hurt by the fact that I tell him how I feel. Over the course of the past three years I have done everything in my power to not feel the love I feel for the other man.

I quit calling him. He calls me. When I hear from him I feel wonderful. Then when my husband asks if I've heard from my friend I have to tell him the truth. My husband thanks me for telling him the truth. Our relationship is built on honesty, even when it hurts.

About a month ago my husband and I had the conversation about another woman....he wanted me to agree even though there aren't any he's interested in. I told him that I would allow this but that I wasn't interested in bi-sexual sex. I'm just not interested. It would be hard for me because like I said before I am not interested in casual sex.