Age Gaps


Well-known member
Hi All,

It might be interesting to discuss the age gaps between partners represented here on the forum - and what significance that might have in our relationships.

My wife, Becky, and I do have somewhat of an age gap relationship as I am about a dozen years older - 50ish to her late 30's. This was actually one of the factors I considered in deciding to concede to her request to open our marriage. Although the age gap had not affected our sex life, I did understand that there might be a strong appeal for her to be with a man closer to her own age - at least for an occasional change (she was in college with her bf, Ben, and he is just a couple of years older than her - and the "the occasional change" is a couple of times a month as it is somewhat of an ldr.) I think perhaps that maybe I should get some sort of "old dog" sticker for learning this new trick of polyamory at fifty - after a lifetime of monogamy. :)

Aside from the sexual aspects, Becky does find that she enjoys having another partner who is more in tune with her cultural touchstones - music, movies, tv, etc - adds some variety to her life - as our conversations are often more philosophical/intellectual/professional and family related with only a moderate amount of common cultural reference. Al


Well-known member
Boy is also about 12 years older than I. It doesn't affect anything in our relationship. My upper 20s self and his 40ish self are quite well matched in libido, maturity, sense of humor, etc.

Hubby is only 2 years older than me.


Well-known member
I am 43... Murf is 3 months older than me. Butch is 46.
Moonlight is 30 years older than me (I'm 39, she's 69). There are only 2 issues with this:

1. Sometimes she treats me a bit like a child, or as if I don't know as much as her. I'm actually a few years younger than her daughter, so I understand, but it's frustrating and something we're constantly working on. Fly, who was 10 years older than me, was like this also but I think it was his self-centeredness more than the age gap. :rolleyes:

2. Sometimes her physical limitations are frustrating. We both have various health issues, but hers really limit her movement abilities. Things like hikes or even walks are difficult, but her feelings get hurt if I want to do this kind of stuff with other people. I think she's jealous that I'm doing these activities with other people, and envious that I can do them at all while she isn't able to anymore.

Well, I guess there's a third issue too, in that she's retired and I work, so I can't travel with her as much as we both would like.

For the most part, however, we have a really lovely relationship and the age gap stuff is more minor annoyance and doesn't have a severe impact on what we have together.


Active member
Let's wife was only 3 years younger than me. I also had two girlfriends that were 14 and 12 years younger. There were no noticeable issues, other than the younger ones didn't have the same tastes in music as I. I do think late 30's/early 40's would be my limit though. I can't imagine having much in common with someone in their 20's.

When I was younger I dated a few women who were 10 years or so my senior. Again, not a big deal.

I don't think I would date a woman much older than me at this point though.


Staff member
Most of my partners have been very close to my age or a smidge younger - Knight is 6 months older, Artist is a year younger - Sunshine and DinoActivist were more like 2 or 3 years younger, I think. Mostly close enough for it not to matter. HipsterBoy was more like 7 or 8 years older, which was starting to be a slightly noticeable gap in where we were in life - while his youngest kid and my only kid were almost the same age, his oldest was 8 years older so he had been doing the parent gig for a while longer than I.

I can't imagine seriously dating anyone younger than 25 or so, although I've flirted with a few in a distinctly cougar-ish fashion, and I am unlikely to date anyone more than 15-20 years older than I, although ::shrug:: I almost never rule out anything.


Active member
Whip, an ex-boyfriend of mine, is 15 years younger than me. The age difference itself did not impact our relationship as much as you would think. We were very sexually compatible and made other parts of the relationship work for a few years. But ultimately, we had very different needs around intimacy and what that word means to us. We also were incompatible in that we were not suited to live together. (Living with partners is an important goal for him, and it is not so much for me. I'd consider it but it's not a priority.) But I don't think any of these issues were based in age, or stage of life but rather personality differences, different relationship goals and so on. We are still friends, btw.

Glow, my most recent serious partner, is about 10 years younger than me. Again, I don't think the age difference was of direct impact. However, I do think she has not had the inclination to do some emotional work that I need my partners to do. I don't think this is related to being younger than me but it might be partly a difference in what she has experienced in relationships and what I've experienced in relationships. I'm not talking about quality - Glow has actually had as many, maybe more, romantic partners than I have. But I do believe that none of those partnerships ever encouraged or needed the kind of emotional intimacy building that I need in a relationship. I'm not sure if that is something Glow really wants in a relationship. She might be happier with a less intimate (by my definition, not necessarily hers!) relationship. At any rate, it's water under the bridge.

My other connections have mostly been within 3 years younger than me. The exception is a lover who is also about 10 to 11 years older than me. He is the exception. I have had little luck meeting older people, of any gender, that I am compatible with. For whatever reason, I tend to be more compatible with people younger than myself.


Official Greeter
Staff member
I was about 24 years younger than my wife. It didn't cause many problems between us, other than she didn't like your standard rock music. There was also the problem that she had kids from an earlier marriage, and the kids were freaked out by the age difference (among other things).

My two V companions are both about five years younger than me. No noticeable problems. I actually think they're more mature than I am.
All of R and my partners are within the same age range, with the exception of M1, who is 10 1/2 years older than I am. It hasn’t caused any issues yet.


New member
My partners are 34, 31 and 28. I'm 31, so we're all around the same age. I've dated people older than me by 10-15 years and while there weren't major issues I'd be hesitant to do so again because we really didn't have a lot of cultural things in common and sometimes that made it hard to find common ground.


Staff member
Pixi is 22 years younger than me. We sometimes get taken for mother and daughter by those that don't know us. But between us, the gap is manageable, not an issue at all.

We both have chronic health problems, so those I have that are caused by my age don't really impact us. She does have more vigor than me. She's only 40 and I am 62. When we met I was 54 and in good health. Things have changed over the ensuing years but it doesn't affect our love or enjoyment of each other.

We share tastes... growing up in different eras just adds spice and interest.

I have had a serious relationship with a man just 2 years older than me. It didn't make me feel closer to him than I do to Pixi. I had another serious r'ship, and now a current r'ship, with men in their mid 40s.

Most men my age seem too old fashioned to me. And their sex drives and abilities usually don't match up with mine.

Al99, Pixi's OSO is closer to her in age, but she didn't choose him because he was more of a peer. She has had LTRs with other people who were 20 years her senior before. Age just doesn't seem to matter to her. There are so many other issues or qualities that make for a compatible partner. Especially in the kink world, I have found.


I was involved with a woman five years my senior. Then I was involved with a woman half my age. The latter is MUCH more emotionally mature, & just as smart.

Strangely, neither enjoys the range of music I like, equally stymied by jazz & metal. :D


Active member
My Zen and I are 20 years apart, he being the older. He has a few health issues we have to be aware of, but in general he's taken great care of himself and has aged very well. He said he was looking for a younger partner because he doesn't even feel "his own age." But not too young, he thought mid thirties was a good match for him.

I think that it works for us because I prefer older people to be seriously connected to, most of my loving and nurturing and influential family members were my grandparents' generation and older. And he is mentally somewhat young for his age, due to never having kids and being into many music and film and culture things that are current, not just sort of stuck only in the past as some older people can be. (I know people who really never stop obsessing over the things from their teens and/or twenties. He's not that way at all.)

As we have gotten more "serious" in our relationship, our age difference presents part of the framework of our future thinking. I've told him rather pragmatically and matter-of-factly that the "accounting nerd" in me sees us getting married in a few years if he wants, so that we can bundle some useful benefits like me being able to easily add him to my insurance, and medical power of attorney type stuff, and estate planning stuff. I can continue working through my working years and help supplement his retirement income so that he can afford to actually retire and maybe pursue some of his passions (like photography) and when I'm ready to retire in theory, he would be around the age to need possible elder care, which I could provide. When he passes, he could (again, in theory) leave me what he can to supplement my own retirement and eventual end-of-life needs after he is gone. Of course life can throw all sorts of curve-balls, but in general I think this concept works ok on paper.

Interestingly, when it comes to the physical part of our relationship, he's got quite a bit more vigor and stamina than I have! I said not long ago, "You're supposed to be the old guy here!" and he replied, "Clean living, friend!" (which he explained was a Looney Toons reference.)


New member
I am 31 years older than my wife of 4 years (57 and 26). It's a mistake to assume that large chronological age differences automatically equate to emotional disconnect. I have a much closer relationship with my current wife, emotionally and otherwise, than I ever had with my ex-wife, who was my age. My ex-wife was an eternally immature individual.
I am a year younger than my husband and 10 years older than my Dom. Most of the men I've dated since we opened up our marriage have been younger than me. It's not that I look for younger guys, since most of my relationship have been with people I've met in life, not online, it just happened to work out that way.



I also do not buy the age gap as an issue. And I apologize for what I am going to say but you were basically given an ultimatum that your wife was going to have a sexual relationship with her old boyfriend and have been remarkable in fighting to accept it. Your alternative was divorce it appears. The difference in your ages is not the cause.

Now I am not sure what good old Bens status is or whether or not he is free as a bird but I hope for your sake that you have thought what your next action will be if Becky wants to start living with Ben 50% of the time or if they break up and now that she likes a sex partner her own age that she finds one ten minutes from your house.

Like I say you have done a great job of making her happy but you admit this would not be your choice if you were given one. I am not any expert so I am sorry if this seems harsh, but the escalations beyond the initial agreements are many times more of a problem than opening up the marriage. Just like you got caught totally off guard by her initial; request, i would be prepared and have thought thru what you will do or say before hand in case this thing she has going becomes much more than you bargained for, although it may be already and you are just dealing with it.


Well-known member
Like I say you have done a great job of making her happy but you admit this would not be your choice if you were given one.

Hi Sexyserb - thank you so much for your thoughts and concerns. And while I have written several times that poly would not by my first choice, I have become reasonably comfortable with the situation. And the situation has not turned out to be all that dire - Ben is also married with kids in another city a couple of hundred miles away. So, although the ldr continues with Becky and Ben getting together once or twice a month (most often one overnight and perhaps an afternoon date), it has not escalated - and because Becky and I are both so committed to maintaining the home that our young daughter loves so much, it is very unlikely that we would split up - even if Ben were to become single (also very unlikely, as he has a similar commitment to his kids' home environment). In fact, even though it "pains me to say so" :) , our marriage is actually stronger than ever - probably due to the level of honesty, transparency, and communication that polyamory requires. And, who knows..., I may yet take advantage of an opportunity to have another partner of my own. :)

The "age gap" was just one of the factors I considered as I processed her desire to transition to polyamory but certainly not the deciding factor. Primarily, I came to the conclusion that my own strong inclination for monogamy was cultural conditioning, especially the southern evangelical-fundamentalism of my youth. I decided that I would be willing to make an effort to set this aside for the sake of honoring Becky's request. (If I had refused to play, it is doubtful that we would have divorced over it, but things probably would have been ugly for a while.) But since the age gap had been one factor, I thought I would start a thread to see what others had to say - and it's an interesting topic for some, I would guess.

Thanks again for your thoughts - not harsh at all, and the concern is much appreciated. Al