Also new to poly

marianna

New member
i'm very new to poly, in a quad, and the newest on the scene. The first month or so was awesome - real life kicked in after that and basically the "shiny" wore off. i find that i'm envious, feeling a bit taken for granted, and feel like i'm waiting around for whatever time is left over for me. i'm honestly not liking those parts so much. In addition, due to schedules and distance, i haven't been able to build the relationships that i would like to try to build with numbers 1 and 2. i think that would really help, and again the problem is with schedules and other external factors.

Any insight would be helpful because i find my moods are just running me over, i go from being at peace and happy and understanding to questioning everything, every word, etc. i'm certainly willing to give it more time for equilibrium to settle, and there are other extenuating circumstances that really no one has control over that are strongly influencing the time thing. Suggestions? Insight? i feel like i'm trying to navigate in the dark at the moment, and i haven't found a way to figure out
1. how to exactly figure out what my feelings are since they change so much and 2. How to deal with them once i figure out what they are. Some of them are completely internal to me, and i have to manage them myself (baggage and all that crap that really no outside soothing will help, i know this from experience and i am ready to tackle this). But this internal seesaw is driving me nuts.

thanks -
mari
 

nikkiana

New member
In my opinion, the best thing you can do when you're feeling envious or taken for granted or whatnot is to be honest with all of your partners about it.... even if you don't know why you're feeling it. That way you can explore why you're feeling it and possibly come up with some resolution for it.

As for the moods and feelings being all over the map.... I can relate. That happens with me a lot. The best solution that I've come up with is to write things down and try to figure out what's happened to cause me to feel negatively about something... a lot of the time that writing for me happens on forums where I can get feedback, but sometimes I do it privately too. I find that if I write things down, I can much more easily look back over time and figure out what's been bothering me than trying to figue it out when I feel negatively one day and positively the next.

So, all in all, I find what works for me is a combination of introspective writing, getting feedback from other supportive people outside of my relationship and getting support from people in my relationship.
 

Lemondrop

New member
Talk to them. That seems to be the number one piece of advice I've gotten so far. Do some thinking, figure out what you want, and then communicate it. Do you want more time with number 1 and number 2? Would you like to go on a date? Would you like more expression of affection? How would you like that to manifest?

So far, my quad has talked so much that sometimes I feel like we do nothing else.
 

redpepper

New member
wow, can I relate.
it is a lot of talking....
It's all new it sounds like. It will most likely settle with time. It all has to be gone through and then is all settles into a routine and life goes on. At least that is what my experience has been.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Specifically with respect to the quote:

"But this internal seesaw is driving me nuts".

You are not alone in feeling the agony of seesawing feelings. (nicely put by the way!) My emotional swings were almost like a physical assault that I could not push aside;

“Was this what I wanted? OMG this is incredible! Jeezuz am I'm going to hurt her; she's going to hurt me! I love this so much!”

The one emotion that never wavered was just how much I loved her. Eventually, through much communication, I decided to give myself completely to our relationship. This involved oblivious trust, which I have never given before. I opened my heart and soul to receive as much of her as she can give and to give her as much in return. We are completely vulnerable to each other..and are completely confident in the strength of our trust, compassion and love for each other.

In short..mood swings are normal, expected and should be discussed as soon as possible if the issue can be identified that is..sometimes it's just a feeling, I know.
 
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Mark1npt

New member
Marianna, you sound just like the 3rd person we recently brought into our group. She has described all the feelings you have and the emotional fluctuation back and forth seems to be what is most worrisome to her. (it doesn't help that she's also having mood swings from goign thru menopause also!) As Mono has said, just keep talking, talking, talking. It seems to be the only thing that really helps our 3rd.
 

marianna

New member
silly question - i'm all about the communication - but i'm so bad at it - i'm afraid i guess -afraid of being so vulnerable - i know the others have more pressing needs at this time and i get that in my head - it's the internal self talk that is really not helping - also i think i'm trying to ask questions and not being able to formulate my thoughts well as far as from "I" statements. Everytime i sort of say - is everything ok - i hear it is -and that i need to relax, have fun, and just "be" (not the easiest thing for an analytical person to do). i'm working on it - but that's why i'm here, to learn, to ask questions - i know i miss the "shiny" and it was sort of like a switch flipped and now it's sort of routine. Way quick, i felt like i had turned him off quite honestly - but i'm going to practice being uncomfy in my skin (when i say that i mean to just allow myself to be and bring myself back to that energy when my mind starts to think too much).

But i do need to think about what i need - and yes - time with the other women is a big thing - i feel excluded otherwise and then it's just separate relationships - i'd love to form an emotional bond and that would make me feel so much better, would make it easier for me to breathe i think.

thank you all for your imput and keep it coming if you'd wish. What i've gleaned so far is that i'm normal - go figure :)

mari
 

marianna

New member
i'm having a rough day -

being the third in a quad sucks right now. Not only do i feel excluded, i feel ignored - i'm lonely, i'm hurt, and and i'm really pissed off.

mari
 

Mark1npt

New member
Mari....hang in there.....we are only 3 so there seems to be someone who is always left out too....we're still wrestling with how to handle all of this. My wife says this transitional period needs to proceed slowly. That seems difficult for me to grasp as we've been going about 55 mph and now we're throttling everything back to 25 mph......
 

Lemondrop

New member
Mari--me too. Probably not for the same reasons, but it's tough for me right now. PM me if you just want to kvetch.
 

marianna

New member
yes exactly...down to 25 mph - i can blame his work - i don't want to be rational at the moment

i had a lousy day at work, i needed someone to tell me that i'm wonderful and loved - and i didn't get any of that - i get he's putting in like 13 hour days, i really do - and i don't want to seem clingy - but when i ask for time and i get a "maybe" (do to work)

it HURT me - it's hard enough to embarrass myself to ask, but i've learned to ask for what i mean - but He and GF1 went out tonight - apparently it was in the works, i knew about it too and had plannned to go if they did - but nothing at all was said to me -

and i'll see them bright and early tomorrow morning

i think it's time for GF1 and i to have a talk - at least about coordinating plans??? she may be assuming He's keeping me in the loop - and He's not.
 

Quath

New member
I think you should let them know that you did not feel supported as much as you would like. They can't change what happened, but they can try to be more aware of what you are going through.

I think talking to GF1 is a good idea. The more people talking, the better.

You can always come on to the forum for a good rant as well. :)
 

dVdT

New member
Also, coming from someone who's lived like this too (and if I'm way off just tell me)- being an 's' in a D/s relationship does NOT mean that you, and what you need is not important. You are.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I know I have said this so many times but I have a hard time knowing others are in distress or feeling alone. Even if your concerns have already been voiced and you think you are being too needy or whatever..communicate!!

These things can't stay quiet or they will eat away at the joy and connection you should feel. Polyamory is not about staying quiet and holding back.

I am in a different place in my own relationship with Redpepper and our "v" relationship. I have absolutely no time balance issues because our time was not meant to be balanced. Balancing, to me, indicates a limited amount of time. I feel no time limit in this relationship and therefore am quite happy to accept the time available we get without asking for more.

We all accept that this is a lifelong relationship and therefore we have endless tomorrows to fill. Her husband and me are good friends and care about each other’s needs more than our own I feel. This is an amazing aspect of our relationship that makes me very proud of what we are building.

Redpepper is sometimes frustrated in my not wanting to what I consider to be "encroaching" on the time for her "primary" relationship. As we are all becoming family she would like me to spend more time with them. I have to do what makes me feel comfortable even though I could spend all my time with her because I love her madly. Her frustration is quite cute actually:)

It's about respect and being a positive in their lives. Her and her husband hate when I call myself a secondary but that is how I like to be defined. It is them above all others.

I can't imagine feeling left out or ignored intimately. I do feel a certain isolation or "on the outside looking in" due to my different aproach to intimate relationships in poly group environments however.

I hope you talk and get back to the joy your relationship can give you.
 
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marianna

New member
i don't understand - i start talking about plans that friends are talking about for the holiday - and i get

"well, WE are doing this..." and i wasn't part of the "we"
excluded once again - what the fuck? am i overreacting? i really was getting to wear i was willing to just take things one day at a time..and let them unfold

and now i feel slapped - rejected...unwanted
 

Mark1npt

New member
wow.....I don't fully know the context of the "we"......if they consider you part of the "we", I would think they would want you along....if they are in some new place where they are in NRE and trying to figure out where "we" is, then they may need some space and some time to work thru that......which makes it tough on you since you have to find something to do while they're away or occupied......my wife has voiced that she feels left out and doesn't know what to do when my 2nd and I are alone for the night...she tries to keep herself busy with computer work, movies, etc.....it wouldn't necessarily be an issue if she and my 2nd were bisexual and made love together with me, but they are not, which means someone is always left out. my 2nd feels that way when my wife and I are together, too.....if it becomes evident with time that the "we" doesn't include "you", then obviously there is a problem in the relationship which is too bad. I hope it works out for you and your partners.
 

marianna

New member
quite honestly - i'm not sure either - i dont' know if it's GF1 and GF2 or just GF1 -
but it looks unlikely i'll have time with him this week like last -

and i'm really honest to god trying to understand...and believe him when he says he's not avoiding me - but fuck - it's like i don't even count....

my heart hurts -


i came to an understanding that i don't trust his feelings for me - i know it's about my own sense of trust - but now i just wonder - should i trust??
 

Mark1npt

New member
In these lifestyles we're in, don't we have to trust? I'm sorry you're hurting, I know my wife hurt also when I started our poly life......I so didn't want that to happen....but circumstances differ for us all......you have to trust your guy if he says he loves you and wants to be with you, but he may only be able to handle one of you at a time....rightnow that isn't you but next weekend it may be......I hope you find all the love, companionship and happiness you desire.....keep trying, it will come your way.
 
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