Am I getting better or worse?

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DazednConfused

New member
So, as you may know, my wife discovered/admitted she was Poly about 3 weeks ago. *We are both female.* She currently has a BF, a guy I actually introduced her to, a friend I grew up with. He has been marriedd to his wife, who does not know, for 10 years. The last few weeks have been an apocolyptic disaster for me. My only saving grace has been finding some people here with a profound understanding of both sides of the coin (or maybe all 3 sides).

I have been trying very hard to protect her from ...me? She insists she wants to remain my wife, and has insited such through every minute of this. I shouldI have been doing all the research to help me cope; she and her BF are muddling, horribly, through it. I have enouraged them both to do their owwn homework, and met nothing but resistance.

Yesterday, I think I made some progress. I am a very hot temperreed person, and have done a fairly good job being as kind as I could through all of this, measuring my words before I speak. Well, yesterday I snapped a bit. I have been dening our marriage since this started. She in turn, as I guess human nature would allow, accepted that, maybe too willingly. She made some unreasonable requests along the way, such as when we were out in public, she wasn't 'with' either of us.

Well, I snapped yesterday, told her any of her BFs now or later will know shes married to me, and we will act as a married couple whenever we are together period. I of course, will behave with consideration and class on a case by case basis, but our marriage is now and will always be the priority.

This was pretty big for me, as I refused to even call her my wife forr weeks now. I hope I'm on the right path, I really am trying. I neverr been a game-player and it seems polyamory requires both 100% unadultrated honesty, and I need to be better at expressing how I feel without the worries of protecting herr from my not so nice occasional feelings.
 
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It sounds to me like you're doing just fine, dealing with what's come along and working for reasonable accommodation. She married you and you have every reason to expect her to act like she married you.

I'm troubled by the BF's wife not knowing. That, in the game polyamory, simply isn't cricket. AT this point, he's not poly and your wife is simply enabling him to cheat, which also doesn't really qualify as poly. At this point, I don't really see any poly behavior from them--just bad monogamy--though you seem to be adjusting to living in a poly tangle as a mono decently.

There's something rich about that situation--you, the mono partner adjusting to the idea of a poly partner while the supposed poly folk are simply bad monogamists. Sheesh.

In any case, keep your stick on the ice. Something good may come of this as yet.
 
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AutumnalTone said:
It sounds to me like you're doing just fine, dealing with what's come along and working for reasonable accommodation. She married you and you have every reason to expect her to act like she married you.

I'm troubled by the BF's wife not knowing. That, in the game polyamory, simply isn't cricket. AT this point, he's not poly and your wife is simply enabling him to cheat, which also doesn't really qualify as poly. At this point, I don't really see any poly behavior from them--just bad monogamy--though you seem to be adjusting to living in a poly tangle as a mono decently.

There's something rich about that situation--you, the mono partner adjusting to the idea of a poly partner while the supposed poly folk are simply bad monogamists. Sheesh.

In any case, keep your stick on the ice. Something good may come of this as yet.
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If we had a rep system, I'd rep this. Totally on point. She's lucky to have you and I hope she sees that.
 
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Wait a minute, he's married and his wife doesn't know about your wife?!!

Ya, I would go ape shit on both of them! Wow you have been patient. I don't see how a little blowing up is a bad thing. They are both delusional in my opinion if they think this is a good idea.

If I were you I would have nothing more to do with it, having heard this new information. Sorry, did I miss this before? I would be advocating for you wife to run very far from this man and break contact immediately. He is in a world of trouble if you ask me. He is treating someone with the one of the biggest disrespects anyone can bestow on another. There is no integrity in it. It is SO damaging and often beyond repair to cheat on someone who thinks you love them. She is trusting him and that trust is in severe jeopordy. It is life altering and destroys something inside when its broken. That trust is the same as we felt as children of our parents. Its a huge trust that makes us feel right in the world. He is taking that away from her.

Yes, I would encourage him to come clean about what he wants with his wife and their relationship before engaging in any other relationship. He should not have anyone else in his life when he does this and it should be completely resolved when he steps out with another. Your wife I think should stand well back, build her bond with someone else or wait until he is really free to do as he wishes. Why would she want to be with someone who is not good enough for her? He is not good enough for her if he is having an affair with her. She is degrading her own self worth and should realize he will likely do the same to her in treating her disrespectfully in some way. She is causing just as much damage as he is! Yup, time to go andwork on getting her priorities straight if you ask me.
 
I very much agree RedPepper, but it one of those sacrifice your integrity for your heart kind of things for her. I don't expect them to be an LTR.

He's been married for 10 years, and a cheater for 7. I think he got caught back in March, and has been on couch duty since. From what I understand, they are in it for their children still. I actually observed his interaction with his wife at an event last night, and there's no doubt in my mind that they are in a loveless, long since expired marriage. Evidently he has already advised my wife that he's in love with his (married) ex-girlfriend. She's ok with a sexual, dating, semi-romantic courtship; with the understanding that while there is romanance between the two, it's not love.

He's very un-skilled at the discretion of cheating, I'm confident his wife knows he's not faithful, and I'd be surprised if she is faithful as well.

This is no attempt at justification of his behaviour, hell, I'd be fine if he went away; just an attempt at clarification.
 
Thanks for clarifying. Your wife has now entered that realm. That's really sad.

I don't care what his wife did, or how she makes him sleep on the couch. HE created that. HE caused that behaviour and now they are both showing their children how to treat the ones they love with disrespect. She has become just as bad as a result. The damage continues to them. The trust that is so prescious in a child is being destroyed by them watching their parents. And so another generations trust in people is destroyed little by little. Shame. Shame on them. Shame on your wife! I get that they weren't doing well, but work on it or move on. That is what makes for healthy people.

Yup, I give you free rein to cause some major whoop ass on your wife (for what Its worth). This would be a complete deal breaker for me. I simply would not stay. I am still reaping what I sowed with an ex that was cheating on his wife; and I didn't even know! Nope, never again. If be done until she is done with him.
 
I don't disagree. I've been a mistress myself; and have since learned the life lessons, as well as being child of marriage broken by cheating dad. While I could spell it out for my Mrs (as some of her friends are) I feel this is one I can't instruct her on, shes going to need to live/learn/deal with consequences.
 
Holy shitballs this is going to blow up in your wife's face. Like.....just....oh wow.
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Ya, she is. Before she and I got together I am ashamed to say I was with a married man, for 6 years. I know the story she is about to write, and it has a trajic ending. Thing is, I can't help her, or protect her, and it makes my heart bleed. This one she's gotta do on her own, and they both (her and BF) suck at it, and have no idea how to be discreet - and worse - they think they are. If I lay it all on the line as for how bad the affair part of it is, I'll only seem bitter and jealous. Fortunately some of her closest friends are starting to open up about how they feel. I can only hope they get through to her. While this half has nothing really to do with if I ever accept Poly, it's still a frakkin debocle.
 
Wow....Just...Wow....Are you sure I don't know you? Do you live in Florida? I have a female friend who is going through almost this EXACT scenerio right now. Did you have breakfast at 3 coins yesterday?
 
Ok....Well, Misery loves company. ;) LOL Anyway, my advice is the same. The reason I asked, is this. The person I'm dealing with here, is one of my ex-students. It would be kinda weird and may change the relationship between us if she knew about this side of my wife and I's relationship. LOL Maybe not, but maybe.

Anyway, on to the advice. I think you know what you need to do here. This is your heart you're playing with. And apparently, she couldn't care less WHO's heart she's playing with. She is playing wiht YOUR heart.....her BOYFRIENDS heart....and her boyfriend's WIFE's heart. And, as her significant other, you are guilty by association. Not fair to you, but I think you get the piocture. So now YOU are ALSO playing with your wife's boyfriend' wife's heart. Wow...Thats hard to follow. LOL Anyway...Tread lightly.

Your wife is playing a hairied game here. One thats not fair to ANYONE else. I think you would be best to simply cut ties now and gently explain to her that you are not willing to help her to help her boyfriend to cheat on his wife. Also explain that if his wife KNEW about the relationship, it wouldn't be so bad. But that as it is, she is the other woman. This speaks volumes about her morality....and if she's willing to help HIM cheat.....Then she likely has the ability to cheat on you. If ANYONE in the relationship dynamic is lacking in the knowledge of any other person, then they are cheating.

Example: My wife and I are married and in a committed relationship. If you and I start to date without my wife knowing, then I am cheating. If, however, I let my wife know that you and I wish to date, and she is OK with it, then we are in a poly relationship....Now, if you and I become committed, and I am also committed to my wife, then you decide to date someone else........without letting ME know, but letting my WIFE know....Then you are cheating, and if my wife doesn't tell me, she is assisting you and therefore just as bad as you.

Do you follow this all so far? So, your wife is just as bad as her boyfriend right now because she is the other woman that he is cheating with. She needs to tell him that there will be no more unless he lets his wife in on the whole thing. If she refuses to do this, then you need to drop her and move on.

This is, of course, just my opinion.
 
Certainly yet another perspective to view this all in. It's so overwhelming!! Geez, a month ago, life was perfect, planning vacations, retirement, thinking of buying a home and a new car...now I feel like I can't plan for tomorrow.

I'm trying so hard to be careful, smart, and not lose myself (or my temper) to all this. It's making me nuts.
 
Ow. Ouch.

Hold onto your heart, and hold a lot of gentleness in reserve. Someone will need to pick up the pieces. If you love someone then there is a time to watch because you can't help, and then there will be a time to step forward because it will be the time that you can help.

A hot temper can force a light to shine on things that people would like to keep dark. It can also, as I'm sure you know, break relationships before their time.

Think twice, look up at the sky and count to twenty, and be sure sure sure that what you are about to say is exactly what you should say and what you want to say. Speak out of love instead of anger whenever you can.

I know, yes, you are already there and you understand this stuff.

I wish the best for both of you.
 
Wow Eugene, the Poet in your handle suits you. Thank you. It's all so damned hard. I really have been focusing on my communication, and have kept my anger under a very tight lid.

My challenge right now, is making sure, that I try with all my heart to be there in some capacity to pick up the pieces. I just don't know if I'm strong enough.

Next challenge:

On a few occasions, she's mentioned - hell I don't know the Poly term - to unite the 3 of us in a carnal way. Before her, I looked at sex as entertainment, and I'd do anything for her. In theory I have no issue with giving myself in this way for her. I did tell her that it would be as a gift to her, if she's making this request for him, they can forget it. Once again, the person I was before her...no big deal...but last night I was thinking about it in greater detail, and I don't know if my heart needs to actually see it/them....if it were just some last -call jo or joann stranger, no prob...but this...

Edit to add:

Part of me also suspects this is what he has been after all along... and perhaps the sooner this happens...the sooner she will see his intentions?
 
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Please pardon the double-post, I know it's bad forum-form.

UGH I suck!

So last night was her first shot at taking me on a date. Well there's this restaurant I've been trying to take her to for years now. Last weekend she told me shes was running a race with him there, and I got pissed. Well, she takes me there last night. I know it's silly but it hurt. The whole date was disconnected, I knew she was somewhere else. For a bout half the ride home, and a half hour after we got home, she cried. Tried too hard to plan date, doesn't want to lose me, was uncofortable. I just held her. Home for less than a half hour, he texts her, asks her first where she took me, 5 minutes later he texts her to come out. Of course I told her to go, but I snapped. I was not even in the neioghborhood of nice. Something of "get the fuck away from me..go have fun..got money, condoms? Call if you get to drunk to drive.." All said with a growl. And they met at the strip club, which pissed me off even more. Firstly I enjoyed going there with her, secondly I was embarassed that the employees there would see them together. I was a furious mess.

We've since done the maya culpas, and are trying to have a good day today.

Will the peaks and valleys get smaller/further apart, or will I always be like this?

I also told her next time, he can come to house, I'll either go in other room, or leave, but it will be more discreet for them, and I won't be home screaming in my own head.

Good - Bad?
 
Why would you invite them to your house? Why are you giving up so much for this? I don't get how you see this as a win win if you are just caving?
 
Ya, I know, I'm losing my mind.

Pros:

-it's financial, them dating is going to get expensive, for me :(
-I worry sooo much when they are out about her safety
-if I'm the one sitting at home alone, my mind wanders to all the ugly places and I just stew
-they are not as discreet as they think they are and it embarasses me
-again, lack of discretion, someone is going to see them together if they keep hiding in bars, it would be too easy/dangerous for his wife to find out
- if i go out I can distract myself from it, I can always try staying in spare room, and if I start to stew I can step out

Con:
-I just built that damn bed..
-it's kinda squicky


As for why I'm giving so much, if it turns out I can't accept her for this, I want to look back with no regrets knowing I did all I possibly could for the one I love, even if I go a bit insane along the way. I also love her very much, and simply want to give her all the comfort I can while she's struggling through this. I know, deep down, he's just using her, she will get hurt, but in the meantime, it may make it a bit better?
 
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