Am I getting better or worse?

:) Great in theory sucks in practice. So last night she went to a concert with him, his wife, and some other peeps. I passed and stayed home fixing up my new accomodations.

She came home talked for a few and went to bed. Later she crawled in my bed and held me, we talked for a few, and she went back to the master. Nothing earthshaking, always welcome in our bed stuff...

It's all just so damn hard, this is killing my self esteem, I dont feel wanted or needed in the slightest. While she says it all the time, I just cant feel it. It's really not her, Im too much in my own head.

If I look at this from a "relationship" pov, I myself went through this. I broke up with my first "wife" and moved into the spare room. It was just brutal and took me some time to get over. A couple of things I did to stop my wallowing, and in order I might add

1 - no cuddling - relationship done. This just ends up hurting
2 - no sex - I failed at this but it worked in my favour, by pushing away the cuddling she came in for sex one night. Desperate. That last night of sex was the best thing for our relationship. I ended up realizing I could do better and kicked her out of bed and moved out the next day (she was a cheater btw so I was very bitter at that point)
3 - MOVING OUT...

Good luck. I would recommend you keep this separation fairly solid. Her coming into your room will only keep that wound open. You need space, you know that, obviously the spare room doesn't sound like its working.

Sorry to hear about your family health challenges. Sendiong some support your way. Familial loss is always tough.
 
I really think that removing yourself should not mean that she gets to come in and be with you when SHE is feeling guilty or in need. She has not repected your needs at all. I think its time to put your foot down and tell her its your room, your space. She doesn't get to be needy here. She hasn't earned that. You need that space to regroup, don't give her an option, its not her right to be in there right now.

This is making me so angry today. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound like l'm barking our orders, its my opinion of course and today completely laced with my crap.

Keep at it grrl, what you should do will come together I think. All in good time, if you get your space.
 
Not barky at all, I always appreciate the input. Tonight we're going to the fair together, phone free..hopefully that will help. Tomorrow concert with all the usual suspects..then they are going out after. She tells me they are going out after, I got a bit cranky, the thought of 'handing her off' after concert kinda got under my skin. Then she invites me...grrr...either invite me in first place or don't...I sure as heck dont wanna feel like pity third wheel. No matter what comes out of this, we're certainly going to have improved communication skills.
 
Wow...does it matter if it's love or lust?

So, she just told me she's in love with him, and he her. That they declared their love Sunday. I don't know how to feel or react. It would be so much easier if the 3 of us could ever spend any darn time together and hash this out. I don't even know if it makes a difference, I know I love her truly, madly, and deeply. I'm scared on so many levels. I don't know if this impacts it or not, Im just kind of in shock. I was (am?) trying to accept polyamory, but neither of them are giving me the opportunity to. Now this revelation, I just don't know. I'm still not sure if I can deal with it on a relationship level, let alone a love level. In some ways I suppose it could be better, in others it just turns this whole mess into a nightmare of epic porportions.
 
In your head?

It's all just so damn hard, this is killing my self esteem, I dont feel wanted or needed in the slightest. While she says it all the time, I just cant feel it. It's really not her, Im too much in my own head.

You're too much in your own head?

Maybe the reason you don't feel it is, her actions aren't supporting it.

Words are easy, actions show sincerity.

Anyhow, /hugs and keep hanging in there.


Anotherbo :)
 
Hi DazednConfused.
I am enough of a romantic to think that it is better if there is real love rather than just lust (not that there is anything wrong with just lust). My definition of love is Robert A. Heinlein's: "Love is the state where your own happiness is dependent on your loved one's happiness."

However, for someone that claims to love you, your wife has shown a very low regard for your happiness. Also she might use this as an excuse to trot out that cruel and untrue canard, "all's fair in love and war". e.g. this may be an excuse for her to be even more insensitive about how she is treating you. Also, this is likely a declaration that they are not going to be responsible about the boy friend's infidelity. I am not surprised you are of two minds about their bombshell.

Along with your Mom having cancer I agree with the other posters (from the other thread) that you need a time out and more emotional space.

Hang on. There are tonnes of people here on this site that honor and respect your ethics and admire how you have tried to keep to the high moral road despite how things have gone. It is not your fault and you have every right to feel hurt about her ignoring how you feel. This is completely apart from their sleazy behavior.

Not sure what else to say. Be strong. Very warm regards, Rick.
 
okay, I feel that I know you a bit now and feel I can kinda give you a bit of a wake up call..... hello?!!!!

THEY ARE NOT POLY, THEY ARE CHEATING..... ITS ALL BULLSHIT AND IF THEY KEEP TELLING EVERYONE THEY ARE POLY MORE I WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER THERE AND GIVE THEM A BLAST OF SHIT MYSELF....

they make those of us who actually make an effort look like the assholes they have been to you.

:)

Please tell them from me that poly is about respecting, compassionate communication with everyone involved and most of all loving all of our partners enough to consider their feelings and needs....

Here is the thread that says all the lessons learned about poly...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858

I suggest she reads it and you and gets on the band wagon or starts calling herself a cheater.

no disrespect, just saying it like it is for me and saying my two cents on what I know of your situation.
 
okay, I feel that I know you a bit now and feel I can kinda give you a bit of a wake up call..... hello?!!!!

THEY ARE NOT POLY, THEY ARE CHEATING..... ITS ALL BULLSHIT AND IF THEY KEEP TELLING EVERYONE THEY ARE POLY MORE I WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER THERE AND GIVE THEM A BLAST OF SHIT MYSELF....

they make those of us who actually make an effort look like the assholes they have been to you.

:)

Please tell them from me that poly is about respecting, compassionate communication with everyone involved and most of all loving all of our partners enough to consider their feelings and needs....

Here is the thread that says all the lessons learned about poly...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858

I suggest she reads it and you and gets on the band wagon or starts calling herself a cheater.

no disrespect, just saying it like it is for me and saying my two cents on what I know of your situation.

hear hear RP!
 
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I think I goofed by creating a new thread, mods should/could we merge?

I don't know why, but her confession gave me some clarity. I dont know if it means I care more, or Im just growing colder. Or...?

I am certainly spending way too much time in my head. Yesterday, I lost control, she invited me to the master bed, I ..well you know...and went back to the spare room. She was very upset by this, and we've discussed it. We're kind of on a to be determined on the physical realm. Said she felt cheap and used, and I can see why.

We had a long talk yesterday, I asked her, out of curiousity, if she would be ok if I went out and found a f*&k. I've never been the relationshipy type and this is more my style, I think than Poly ever would. She really couldn't give me an answer, said she needed to think about it, that she realized it seems unfair, but shes poly, and I just want to go fuck someone, theres a big difference, I don't disagree. I just found the whole conversation very entertaining. I did tell her, if I was in a position to do something like that, I would touch base with her for her approval, no surprises. We talked about the potential for her and him to pick up a third playmate on occassion, I told her fine as long as it wasn't a woman, she advised me he said the same about her and I and a man. She's very frustrated by this, which, sorry, I find hysterical.
 
It sounds as if she is just beginning a journey; one that has the desire for complete free reign to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. It also sounds like she is discovering that finding partners quite that accomodating is often very hard. I do find it hilarious that the guy she is having an afair with would limit who she can play with considering he's fucking around on his partner. He's got quite the moral code on the go there.
 
I agree, there's a great humor to it. So basically he and I have both said if she wants a 3, it will be us 3, and thats not enough for her. There's quite a comedy in this tragedy. She feels uncertain now, after asking me repeatedly for a 3 between us, because she's not sure she wants to share that intamacy. Which I get completely. But now Im put in the position if I want a male partner, it can only be him, as shes basically said me picking someone up makes her uncomfy, that hes said no other males for the two of us, but she's not certain that she wants to share that ?

:eek:

While I really don't care, I can take care of business pretty adeptly myself there's a great bitter irony here.
 
Perhaps it's time to kick the gate to her pasture wide open and let her run free. She just has to be aware that the security she feels in the relationship you provide may not be waiting for her. In fact, you hanging out in the pasture waiting for her return sounds unhealthy and unfair to you. You sound stronger today, which is good my friend :)

What a situation hunh?
 
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I don't know if it's the "love confession" or the absolute hysterical comedy of all involved, but I do feel much better today. We had some really solid communication yesterday, I really don't know if it shut my heart down more, or opened it up.

Tonight I'm going to join them, his spose, and some other friends at a concert. I understand they may wander off for a few minutes of alone time..which I can only interpret as a make out session. And, I'm kinda ok with it. Obviously not thrilled, but I'm kinda ok. Maybe I've just broken, or...I really don't know.

I'm kind of at the point where I'm going to try and act with as much honor as I can, all things considered, try to get out of my head, and try to enjoy myself. I don't know if I'm giving up, giving in, or jumping in; I do know it's going to get interesting regardless.
 
Let me get this straight... She can go out and pick her partners (without your input), but you are only allowed to be with the partner she picked for herself? I also don't undersand why you are in the guest room while she gets the master. This seems a bit like emotional abuse to me, did I miss something?
 
Welcome to my convuluted world, now shes thinking she doesn't want me with her partner. She is leaning towards she's poly, but if I wanna go get a quickie, that that would be cheating as I don't see myself as poly; but shes still considering it, and Im fine with giving her time to think. I choose to leave the master as being close to her in that intimate space; that they've now shared, is just too much. I wind up laying awake all night with all the ugly thoughts. She certainly wants me in our bed everynight.
 
I choose to leave the master as being close to her in that intimate space; that they've now shared, is just too much. I wind up laying awake all night with all the ugly thoughts.

I can understand that. It does sound like you guys need some definite boundaries. I would never be comfortable with my partner using our bed with someone else and vice versa. I would even have serious reservations of anything happening in my own home, but as far as I am concerned my bed is off limits. I know a lot has already happened, but maybe it's not to late to insist on certain boundaries from this point forward.
 
She hasn't respected any of the requests for boundaries that AC has asked for, why would that change now and why would she care about her request to not use their bed. I have seen little to no care all the way along.

Its interesting how much one person can put up with. Maybe I should be pushing harder for my needs to be met in my life. Fuck the going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. Why bother when we can push each other to the brink and they still stay. After all, some people practice poly this way. Who am I to say. I guess I just offer what I have worked towards and have been sustainable with. Who says anyone wants sustainability anyways. Maybe people like to abuse and mistreat others to get their needs met and maybe some don't mind all that much being treated like that? Maybe my idea of mistreatment is different than others and in some circumstances the kind of treatment your wife has given you AC is perfectly accepted and normal.

I would suggest that the depth of love in that kind of situation is shallow, but again, how does one rate that anyways. It would be for me and I would suffer now that I know what real depth is. When I am deeply in love with someone, I am completely unable to hurt them for my needs. They are a delicate flower in my heart that I cherish more than anything. I couldn't fathom squishing that for anyone.
 
She hasn't respected any of the requests for boundaries that AC has asked for, why would that change now and why would she care about her request to not use their bed. I have seen little to no care all the way along.

Sorry, missed those posts. This is very sad.
 
I don't know if it was moving into the spare room, or just enough time passing, or I've just gotten my ass beat so bad, but, I'm getting numb to the pain.

I totaly get the frustration about the cheating, and I certainly do not consider it acceptable to pin it on poly. I don't believe that's what this community is about at all.

Its interesting how much one person can put up with. Maybe I should be pushing harder for my needs to be met in my life. Fuck the going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. Why bother when we can push each other to the brink and they still stay. After all, some people practice poly this way. Who am I to say. I guess I just offer what I have worked towards and have been sustainable with. Who says anyone wants sustainability anyways. Maybe people like to abuse and mistreat others to get their needs met and maybe some don't mind all that much being treated like that? Maybe my idea of mistreatment is different than others and in some circumstances the kind of treatment your wife has given you AC is perfectly accepted and normal.

I don't think it's normal at all, I constatntly ask myself how could she hurt me like this if she loves me. On the same token, I love her enough to allow it. I'm certainly strong enough to take the punches, with the help of friends and mentors such as all of you, keeping me mentally in balance (ish?). I do love her enough to be totally commited to her happiness at the sake of my own. On the same note, how can I stop her from discovering who she is, doesn't she need to do that both for herself, and for us? I still don't know if I'll stay, but I do know I'll try for as long as I can. It will and has changed us forever, but, maybe I can live with the change. Only time will tell.

The two of them are sooo pathetic at hiding their infidelity, neither listens when I point out their errors. I guess they just chaulk it up to me being bitter, don't know. Last night his wife and I talked for about an hour about her relationship with him, his cheating, her not wearing her ring, him sleeping on couch. I could only act as a friend with the restriction of protecting my wife. I gave hard, honest advice like that I would give any good friend, just, obviously excluding the wife sleeping with hubby stuff. Well, his wife can see from his behaviour he's still cheating on her, she ran through the wierdness of his schedule for the last few weeks day by day, and she was about 90% right on track.

They are being so sloppy its like they want to get caught. I warned them both that I thought a mutual friend was onto them a few weeks back, she also has it bad for him. Well, last night this friend confronted my wife that she saw them together Sunday and she knows. Their lack of discretion is boardline pyschotic.

I think I'm just at self preservation breaking point, I love my wife, and will love her in everyway I can, when permitted to. I now have a pretty clear picture in my head that shes going to fuck who she wants when she wants. Problem is, she's never had a one-night stand, I'm pretty confident that shes fallen in love with everyone shes ever fucked. I've gotta shut off the pain it causes, live my life, and enjoy her when/while I can, and hope for the best. Some middle ground, some sort of peace in my heart, mind, and body.
 
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