Am I getting better or worse?

TruckerPete

New member
DnC,

This is painful to hear. I can't imagine what living it must be like. I know you love her, but to do so at your health's expense is simply not a sustainable thing.

But either you will come to this conclusion, or she will magically see what she's going to lose and seriously check herself. I wouldn't hold out for option 2, personally.

Love and much hugs your way. We'll be here to listen.
 

assets

Member
Just because you love someone, doesn't mean that you should enable their self-destructive behaviour. This is what you are doing.

I believe that she does have a need to discover who she is but not at the expense of your relationship. Not at the expense of the person she claims to love. You are allowing her to create a pattern of lying and deceit in your relationship, because as much as you may not want to admit it, this is part of your relationship. You have allowed yourself to become wrapped up in this whole situation. You talk to his wife and speak about her becoming a friend but you are not building a good relationship with her. You are lying to her too.

I don't mean to beat you up about this. I know you probably know much of what I'm saying I just see so many similarities in what your wife is doing and what my ex did that it's scary. Our relationship ended very badly. I still love him but i never want to see him again and i think that is sad to have invested that much time and energy into a person that you can't stand to be around. I would even say that I hate him for the things that he has done to me and I don't use that term loosely.

I hope you and your wife can work things out in your relationship so that both of your needs are being met because it sounds as if yours aren't and she feels no desire to help you to be happy in your marriage.

hugs to you and take care. You are strong and you will get through this.
 

redsirenn

New member
I do love her enough to be totally commited to her happiness at the sake of my own.

Uh Oh.

Think about that one for a moment. If you are truly doing this, it is time to back away, IMO.

There should be at the very least a light at the end of the tunnel, days where you felt heard or understood, and moments (many!!!) where her actions reflect that.
 

DazednConfused

New member
Question regarding sex

I'm just trying to figure out my boundries. As I'm new in exploring if I as, a mono(for now) can make it work with my sort of poly wife, I've reached a stumbling block. I'm incredably attracted to my wife, and more so since she began sleeping with her BF, for whatever reason. I'm having trouble persuing my attraction if I know she was with him before me. Part of me says so what, the other is a bit squicked. Thoughts?
 

DazednConfused

New member
Thank you all for your thoughtful, and thought provoking responses. While I do bitch board here about all the wrong, I'm still only happy when I'm in her arms. I'm trying to distance myself on the cheating thing, for example, I didn't go out Tuesday when I knew he and his mrs were there, but I did yesterday. Their NRE is so time consuming, it's like if I don't allow myself to be present for these things I lose even more time with her. I know our chances of survival are slim at this point, I'm just trying to push away the raw ugly emotions and enjoy what I can, when I can.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Are they fluid bonded?

When my ex was going to explore a sexual relationship with our friend who was stricly a lesbian, we all discussed a sort of boundaries. One was that I could not cum in her anymore because our friend was disgusted by cum and could smell/taste it a mile away apparently.

I don't care if Redpepper just finished having sex with Polynerdist and then we get together..in fact we've had threesomes so that kind of thing doesn't bother me (specifically for Polynerist...I have a bond with him that negates all those feelings of "some one else's penis was just where my mouth is about to go).

Part of it may reside in your dislike of her partner? Or a dislike of male sexuality?
 

DazednConfused

New member
Great points, I'm still hashing it out.

As for fluid bonded, they arent sure about the 1st time, but she swears (at my insistance) they use condoms.

I like him well enough, hes an old friend, and we get along as well as could be expected. As for me, she's my first female relationship, I've been a fan of the male body for a lifetime.

Just can't figure out why I'm squicked. Maybe it's pride/ego? I really don't know, it's just bugging the heck out of me. Now that her time is split, I really need to get over it if I'm going to have any sort of life..I'm just kinda ick...
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I understand the ick factor as well unfortunately. For me it directly relates to my level of compersion...more compersion, less ick.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Well, it's probably b/c of all the other shit around this relationship. Your body is telling you no, even if your head and heart are bending over backwards to try and make this mess all work.

Speaking personally, my gf and I are so tight and we trust each other so much, she can share me directly w a lover (we've had one 3way), or enjoy my body imm after I come home from a date, and either feel neutral about it, or actually titallated.

Her only boundary is I always use condoms with the men. She explains it's partly for health reasons, and partly just a little territorial thing.

Of course, I would always use them anyway, but she used to always ask me if I did after a date. lol It was kinda cute.
 

DazednConfused

New member
level of compersion...more compersion, less ick.

crap....

Well, it's probably b/c of all the other shit around this relationship. Your body is telling you no, even if your head and heart are bending over backwards to try and make this mess all work.

interesting...may be it. But, if it were some passive aggressive thing, why do I want to so bad/so often?

Cripes this is so darn confusing.
 

TruckerPete

New member
interesting...may be it. But, if it were some passive aggressive thing, why do I want to so bad/so often?

Not passive aggressive. That would be a conscious thing, ie denying her sex on purpose because she's been with him, but not giving her the real reason.

I think what Magdlyn means is one reason might be your subconscious trying to bitch slap the rest of you. Sort of a "DANGER! WARNING! This situation is not good for me!" which then shuts down your lady bits.
 
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DazednConfused

New member
@trucker - just for clarity, I'm female, married to female, who now has boyfriend..

The subconscious bitch slap sounds about right...it also feels kind of a pride thing...a why the hell do I wanna go there if he just did...even though i REALLY REALLY want to...
 

redpepper

New member
Well, it's probably b/c of all the other shit around this relationship. Your body is telling you no, even if your head and heart are bending over backwards to try and make this mess all work.

I would agree on Mag with this one...

when we feel loved, appreciated, respected.... the fact that our partner has been with someone else can be ultra hot! So hot that sometimes people want to actually see that and experience it with them. I think that by virtue of the fact that you have NOT been treated well, your sub-consicous is saying "NOOOOOOO> get her away from you, she will hurt you more!" Listen to it, would be my suggestion.
 

FitChick

New member
I've just read through the whole thread and I feel sad for you. It feels like you are sacrificing so much of yourself and your happiness. I have no doubt his wife will put 2 and 2 together and discover its your wife her husband has been cheating with,and given that you have known about it the whole time you will not only lose your wife but his wife's friendship as well.
You really need to take care of you better,because what I see from here is akin to a sacrificial lamb,and you deserve so much better!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Sigh... my ex always puts others first, and then it bites him in the ass.

It's how he was raised. Jesus first, then others, then yourself. (Not that he's xtian anymore.) But EVERYONE's feelings and needs matter. One has to take care of numero uno, you know. Otherwise you'll never have true happiness.
 

TL4everu2

New member
Sigh... my ex always puts others first, and then it bites him in the ass.

It's how he was raised. Jesus first, then others, then yourself. (Not that he's xtian anymore.) But EVERYONE's feelings and needs matter. One has to take care of numero uno, you know. Otherwise you'll never have true happiness.
While I understand and agree with this for the most part, I have to admit that I am also guilty of being a #3 or 4 in the list of important people in my life. I put God first, but then comes my wife, then my kids (these two depend on the situation at the time LOL), then comes D, then S, then myself. So...Ummm...Yeah. I guess I'm fairly low on the totem pole. LOL

As guys (or the male acting part of a relationship) we are charged with having the higher responsibility of caring for everyone's happiness and well being. It's a societal charge, but it is ours to take on I guess. (Not that women CAN'T do it, just that traditionally men do it.)

Is it "right" to act this way? Well, some feminine types wouldn't know how to handle some of the responsibilities that the more masculine halves have to deal with. Would they do them? Maybe. Maybe not. Would the world come to an end? Nope.

Can I, as a man, simply shirk my responsibilities and make only myself happy? Well, I COULD, but then I would be sad anyway. Why? Because the ones I really care about are hurt. And often times, I actually care about them more than myself. I want my wife, kids, and friends to be happy. If it's at the expense of my OWN happiness, I'm ok with that....Until it becomes apparent that they could care less about whether or not I'm happy. Then I get hurt, and I lash out at them and make sure that I'm the happy one.

But in every relationship, there should be whats called "give and take". It should be a symbiotic relationship....The moment it becomes all "give, and no take" or all "take, and no give", it turns into a "parasitic" relationship. I know how I deal with parasites.....How do you deal with them? Dazed, it sounds like your other half is being a parasite. ;)
 

DazednConfused

New member
Well, almost had a good night. Went to see KISS. We went with a group of my friends, my best are her hubby. They know, and she wasnt comfortable. We wandered off, held each other like we used to. Awesomeness.

Then the inevitable, we are stuck in lot trying to get out, she gets msg from him that his wife wants to have a talk with him this weekend. I ask if they break up, is she leaving me. In all fairness, ive asked this often, and always get the "youre my wife for ever". She snapped at me, and we argued or sat in silence. We stopped for food, and the fight goot heated. I walked out and halfway home before she caught me and drove the rest of way. We hugged it out, she asked me to sleep in our bed, and I did.

Another night, more him bullshit getting in the way.

She has a work event this afternoon, Ill attend, then shes leaving early to go run then have date with him.

Its funny, i dont interrupt their time, hes in my life every minute of every day.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
While I understand and agree with this for the most part, I have to admit that I am also guilty of being a #3 or 4 in the list of important people in my life. I put God first, but then comes my wife, then my kids (these two depend on the situation at the time LOL), then comes D, then S, then myself. So...Ummm...Yeah. I guess I'm fairly low on the totem pole. LOL

Yeah. That's the exact same expression my ex used, except he said he was at the bottom.

My kids are young adults now, but of course when they are little, their needs had to come first, b/c kids can't wait. But if a parent, male or female, doesnt at least attempt to meet their own basic needs, they will burn out and be lesser parents than they could be.

As guys (or the male acting part of a relationship) we are charged with having the higher responsibility of caring for everyone's happiness and well being. It's a societal charge, but it is ours to take on I guess. (Not that women CAN'T do it, just that traditionally men do it.)

Really? Odd you feel this way. But I was a stay at home, breastfeeding, homeschooling mama.

My ex went to work and paid for our happiness, while I stayed home and made food, educated/entertained the kids, and made the holidays happen.



Can I, as a man, simply shirk my responsibilities and make only myself happy?

Where did I say make only yourself happy? I just said, make sure your own feelings are heard, and your own needs are met. EVERYONE's feelings are important. Not just "theirs." Yours, too.

Well, I COULD, but then I would be sad anyway. Why? Because the ones I really care about are hurt. And often times, I actually care about them more than myself. I want my wife, kids, and friends to be happy. If it's at the expense of my OWN happiness, I'm ok with that....Until it becomes apparent that they could care less about whether or not I'm happy. Then I get hurt, and I lash out at them and make sure that I'm the happy one.

There you go! My ex, exactly. He gives and gives and then doesn't feel "appreciated" and gets all resentful and passive aggressive. In fact, his present gf has now kicked him out of their apt for this very behavior. And with our kids, this behavior of putting their need ALWAYS first becomes enabling and detrimental to their social development, not a benefit.

I got so frustrated w him over this. He'd do something, make a decision w me, act like he was fine w it, and months later let me know how I used him and didnt care about him, when I just thought he was OK with whatever decision he made. Now thats one reason we are divorcing, and the main reason his gf has kicked him out!


But in every relationship, there should be whats called "give and take". It should be a symbiotic relationship....The moment it becomes all "give, and no take" or all "take, and no give", it turns into a "parasitic" relationship. I know how I deal with parasites.....How do you deal with them? Dazed, it sounds like your other half is being a parasite. ;)

Yes, low self esteem will lead you to let the SO do things that you really arent fine with, while gathering crumbs of her dwindling affection along the way.

NRE should never let you diss your primary. When I have NRE w a new partner, I always make sure I give my gf *extra* love and talks and dates. :eek: Not out of duty, either; but b/c her love supports my ability to be poly, and to grow socially, and I love the heck out of her for supporting me like this.
 

TL4everu2

New member
NRE should never let you diss your primary. When I have NRE w a new partner, I always make sure I give my gf *extra* love and talks and dates. :eek: Not out of duty, either; but b/c her love supports my ability to be poly, and to grow socially, and I love the heck out of her for supporting me like this.
I totally agree with this. I knew I liked you. ;) You're well grounded, yet still free as a bird and open minded. Just awesome.

I am experiencing NRE, even though I have known my gf for over 2 years now. We have been in a sexual relationship for at least a year and a half of it. The last 6 months or so though, no sex between us. It has been more of a relationship building time for us...To cultivate OUR relationship....But while doing this, I make sure to shower my wife with more love than ever. For without her, I would not, and could not be happy.
 
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