@LoveWarrior - thank you for pointing out what should have been obvious, I did tell her today, maybe too late.
Last Night, I went out, got drunk, picked up a stranger, while she was out with BF, sent her text for permission to..you know...she approved, and I simply couldn't bring myself to actually do a damn thing.
I don't know if that was the catalyst or what was, but I broke.
This morning when she got up, she wished me a happy anniversary (I slept in other room), I said something to the effect of "no, it's not, we're done". It all very hazey to me now. I'm staying in the apartment, we're not telling anyone, but I told her as far as Im concerned the romantic side of our marriage is over. We've been talking for 5 or 6 hours online now, we're both crushed. God, I hate seeing her hurt, and to be the one hurting her, it's like an endless cycle of pure misery. She's offered to end it with him, begged me not to do this.....
I told her she needs to end it with this jerk (@LW this is where I tapped into your advice) when shes ready, I did tell her what a piece of shit I think he is.
God, why couldnt she have been a swinger, we both coulda had fun, and I coulda delt.
I just don't know where to go from here, how do I win this? I want my wife back.