Am I ready for her to get physical with him?

Newobsession

New member
Hey all, I am pretty new to all of this:

Three weeks ago my wife let me know she was sexting with an old flame. This took me by surprise, and I am rolling with it. Initially I asked for boundaries (I was really uncomfortable with her saying "I love you" to him, but I am getting used to it)

I have been reading the books, we have been communicating and I am wondering about them taking their relationship into the physical realm. He is long distance, so this would entail her going away for a couple of days.

She has told me she wants to have sex with him, but does not want it to wreck our marriage.

I feel like I am at a point where I can emotionally deal with it happening, and I feel like I owe this to her.

What do I need to have in place to make this successful? Am I far off? There are logistics involved, so it's not like if I gave the green light it would happen this weekend.

Jump in? Ask her to wait? I want it to happen for her, but I am just not sure there will ever be a "good time"

Considering this all started as a secret affair, is there even hope for this turning into successful V?

Appreciate the insight.
 

Mgvall

New member
Going through the same thing

Your question couldn't have come at a better time for me as I am going through a similar thing with my boyfriend. He reconnected with an old flame, and although they aren't in love, they are communicating regularly and sending each other love and sex messages. She also lives far away. It was sort of painful for me today, as I am also new to polyamory and 6 months pregnant. It's his birthday and on his phone, I couldn't help but notice him texting her a lot and saying that he wishes for her presence, despite my being there. I guess I'm sharing all this because the first thing we need to do is accept our feelings of discomfort and not have shame around it. I'm uncomfortable because I don't feel like I'm enough for him. But is that really how he feels or is that just my projection? Is it really so wrong for him to miss this woman? Is his behavior really hurting me or am I allowing it to hurt me for a good reason? I think once we start asking these kind of questions, we'll both know how to react to our partners' wants. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Thank you for sharing.
 

GreenAcres

New member
You're asking a lot of really great questions! Only you can say if you're ready for it to happen or not; but, I suspect you are right when you say there will never be a "good" time, exactly. Similarly, only you can say what you need to feel safe and comfortable. That said, try to think about what you actually need, as well as what is realistic. Generally, "rules" that limit the behavior of others is a bad idea (i.e, "no kissing," or "no PiV sex," or "no oral," etc.). But, some things are certainly reasonable: talk about whether they will fluid bond, and what this means for you (if they elect to fluid bond, for example, you can elect to wear condoms with your wife, etc.). Talk about safe sex, and BE SPECIFIC. I can't stress this enough.

As for whether it can be a successful V, that is up to everyone involved. Generally, starting poly from infidelity probably isn't the absolute best way to go, but it can be done if everyone involved is open, honest, and interested. There are a few people on here who have started from infidelity and made it work, so hopefully they'll chime in. It's important to rebuild trust with your wife if there's hope of it working, but it seems you both are, so far, interested in doing so.



Hey all, I am pretty new to all of this:

Three weeks ago my wife let me know she was sexting with an old flame. This took me by surprise, and I am rolling with it. Initially I asked for boundaries (I was really uncomfortable with her saying "I love you" to him, but I am getting used to it)

I have been reading the books, we have been communicating and I am wondering about them taking their relationship into the physical realm. He is long distance, so this would entail her going away for a couple of days.

She has told me she wants to have sex with him, but does not want it to wreck our marriage.

I feel like I am at a point where I can emotionally deal with it happening, and I feel like I owe this to her.

What do I need to have in place to make this successful? Am I far off? There are logistics involved, so it's not like if I gave the green light it would happen this weekend.

Jump in? Ask her to wait? I want it to happen for her, but I am just not sure there will ever be a "good time"

Considering this all started as a secret affair, is there even hope for this turning into successful V?

Appreciate the insight.
 

GreenAcres

New member
Hi, Mgvall, it's nice to meet you! I don't want to write much here, so we don't derail NewObsession's thread. Could you start a new thread with your story? Plus, you'll likely get more responses, since people will see the thread.

I look forward to reading more from you.

Your question couldn't have come at a better time for me as I am going through a similar thing with my boyfriend. He reconnected with an old flame, and although they aren't in love, they are communicating regularly and sending each other love and sex messages. She also lives far away. It was sort of painful for me today, as I am also new to polyamory and 6 months pregnant. It's his birthday and on his phone, I couldn't help but notice him texting her a lot and saying that he wishes for her presence, despite my being there. I guess I'm sharing all this because the first thing we need to do is accept our feelings of discomfort and not have shame around it. I'm uncomfortable because I don't feel like I'm enough for him. But is that really how he feels or is that just my projection? Is it really so wrong for him to miss this woman? Is his behavior really hurting me or am I allowing it to hurt me for a good reason? I think once we start asking these kind of questions, we'll both know how to react to our partners' wants. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Thank you for sharing.
 

Infinity

New member
Hi newobsession,

I just want to make sure I understand this right:

1. Your wife cheated on you.
2. You found out 3 weeks ago.
3. In the last 3 weeks you have been expected to emotionally process:

a. the cheating
b. a shift from a mono to poly relationship

And now you're trying to work out boundaries 'on the fly' so your wife can have sex with this guy ASAP?

If that's right, I think it all sounds way too fast. If you and your wife really want a poly relationship, I think that is something that it worth taking the time to set-up properly. Because it's a big shift in how you conduct yourself.

And BEFORE THAT, I think you should have the time and space to do the soul-searching of whether you are happy with that shift. Because it doesn't sound like it's what you signed up for when you got married.

And before THAT, you guys need to work through the trust that got broken and the infidelity.

It sounds like those two BIG issues of 'OK, wife wants to be poly - am I ok with this? Give me time to think and feel and research' and 'Cheating happened...we need to work through this, clearly something was off in our relationship for this to have happened, I am hurt, need to repair' have been pushed aside so the wife can play with her new and shiny man ASAP.

It's cool that you're at least open to poly but I think that

a. this guy needs to back off so that he is not a factor because this is about you + wife at the moment.

Then.

b. You guys need to work through the infidelity and the issues around that.

THEN

when that is done explore poly together (at least in theory) THEN if you are happy to open up, it is an agreed upon thing, NOT something pushed onto you.

AND even if down the road you are happy to be open, I'd be wary of this current guy, because he's happy to support your wife cheating. Doesn't sound very trustworthy to me.

I'd get your wife to step back, close up and work on your marriage first. Give you the space to decide things properly and talk through stuff together in your own time.
 

tenK

New member
I feel like I am at a point where I can emotionally deal with it happening, and I feel like I owe this to her.

This feels like a bit of a red flag to me. You 'owe it to her'? To me, that doesn't sound like a very good reason. Open your relationship only if you want to open your relationship. Doing it 'for' her is likely to end badly, with resentment building at your end, and her feeling like she needs to ask permission of you for everything and anything at her end. If you feel like you are being coerced and steam-rollered then you aren't able to give proper informed consent. This is where I would start. Think about what how being in an open relationship might personally work for you - you need a greater motivation than her happiness I think. It has to work for everyone, including old flame guy. Has he given proper thought to what dating her actually means? What's the bigger picture here? Does he/they want to have the ability to build co-primary relationship one day? Something meaningful but less life-entwined? Just sex? I think you need some idea of what you are consenting to. I think you all do.

In more practical terms, if you do all sort done of this stuff out via soul searching and good three way communication, and agree that he and she should explore sexually, then I suggest he comes to stay with you guys/a nearby hotel, rather than she disappear to him for a few days. I think you'd find it easier to adjust if you had her support, if she came home to you each night, then if she just left. Maybe that's just me and how I deal with things, but it's worth considering.

Finally, there's really nothing wrong with asking them to wait. You're not telling them 'never', but just asking them to slow the hell down and let you all process these changes and rebuild a bit of trust if required. The fact that they are exes means they presumably already know if they are sexually compatible or not, so it's not like this is all speculation and they are worried that things are so hypothetical about whether they like one another that most of your questions are premature. (This was an issue when my partner Nina started seeing Jay - I was all like 'what does this mean? Where is this going? How often do you want to see him? Are you in love?', and she was like 'hang on, I don't even know if this is more than a crush yet, or if when we make out we'll realise that the spark isn't there!')
 

vanquish

New member
To me, Infinity analyzed this amazingly in my estimation.

Probably the most important thing to address for you is that you didn't sign up for a poly marriage. You don't have to put up with it just because you love her. No, you can't forcibly change her. But you can set your own limits and see how she reacts. She can either decide to choose you over her poly feelings or not. Neither is wrong, per se.

She cheated. Saying "I just realized I'm poly. I didn't know." doesn't mean that cheating is ok. Is she remorseful? If not, that's a major problem. Would you want to stay in a relationship where your partner cheats unrepentantly? I wouldn't.

I also agree that this dude needs to back off. If he can't respect your marriage and the fact that this is pushing you into uncomfortable territory, he's being a complete dick. He needs to learn patience. Like Infinity said, I'd get your wife to step back and if she wants to be poly with someone else after you've confronted the issue in a slow, healthy way with her, THEN do it with someone new.

Don't get trampled like a doormat just because you love her. If she loves you, she'll respect your feelings.











I just want to make sure I understand this right:

1. Your wife cheated on you.
2. You found out 3 weeks ago.
3. In the last 3 weeks you have been expected to emotionally process:

a. the cheating
b. a shift from a mono to poly relationship

And now you're trying to work out boundaries 'on the fly' so your wife can have sex with this guy ASAP?

If that's right, I think it all sounds way too fast. If you and your wife really want a poly relationship, I think that is something that it worth taking the time to set-up properly. Because it's a big shift in how you conduct yourself.

And BEFORE THAT, I think you should have the time and space to do the soul-searching of whether you are happy with that shift. Because it doesn't sound like it's what you signed up for when you got married.

And before THAT, you guys need to work through the trust that got broken and the infidelity.

It sounds like those two BIG issues of 'OK, wife wants to be poly - am I ok with this? Give me time to think and feel and research' and 'Cheating happened...we need to work through this, clearly something was off in our relationship for this to have happened, I am hurt, need to repair' have been pushed aside so the wife can play with her new and shiny man ASAP.

It's cool that you're at least open to poly but I think that

a. this guy needs to back off so that he is not a factor because this is about you + wife at the moment.

Then.

b. You guys need to work through the infidelity and the issues around that.

THEN

when that is done explore poly together (at least in theory) THEN if you are happy to open up, it is an agreed upon thing, NOT something pushed onto you.

AND even if down the road you are happy to be open, I'd be wary of this current guy, because he's happy to support your wife cheating. Doesn't sound very trustworthy to me.

I'd get your wife to step back, close up and work on your marriage first. Give you the space to decide things properly and talk through stuff together in your own time.
 

Newobsession

New member
Thank you all.

There was something wrong in our marriage. There was never passion. Sure, hot sex happened a few times, but we never had regular tornado-like sex. We tried, and we made things work fine in the bedroom.

This has changed that. We are now having that intimacy that I had pretty much figured would never be part of our lives. Our relationship in other ways was near perfect, we compliment each other extremely well.

I too had an affair, at the beginning of our marriage. It was all the things affairs are, and I kept it from her for all these years, though I have come clean since our recent revelation. I share this because I believe it sheds light on "owing her this", and changes the conversation in other ways.

She is still processing the news. Before we got married, we had more than one conversation about relationships outside of the marriage. The conclusion we came to was that it was understandable given our problems in the bedroom, but that we should take steps to make sure the other partner never found out about it.

She told me what was going on in the interest of honesty, and while his presence is still felt by me regularly, I now feel closer to her than I ever have.

Also, in his defense, if a woman had come on to me in the way my wife came onto him I would have probably acted in a very similar manner.

Also, when I say old flame, I must share that I am the only person my wife has ever had PIV with. They have never even kissed. He was a long time crush/penpal/first love guy who has not been in her life for the last 15 or so years.

In all candor, I fear telling them to back off will harm the benefits my wife an I are experiencing. (Yeah, mainly the sex, but other stuff too.)

I am eating better, have lost 13 pounds, and almost feel sexy again for the first time in awhile.

I might be interested in dating too. Though feedback I have received from an insightful friend who is familiar with poly has made the observation : " You love your wife, that's been enough for you for a long time, you might be a swinger but I'm just not sure you're the poly type" Free advice is worth what you pay for it, but she has got me thinking.

Again, thank you all for your perspective.
 

SmileTexas

New member
Ask your wife if she wants an open relationship. If she says yes, let her know you are going to start dating on OKCupid or Tinder. Create a profile and see if you are comfortable with seeing other people. Don't do it as revenge but just to test the waters for yourself. Don't do it if you aren't interested in dating other people. The added sexual intensity in the bedroom with the wife may be enough for you. That isn't uncommon.
Be warned, if you do let her start having sex with this guy, she may start looking for a local person that she can see more often. Are you okay with her going out multiple times a week if that happens? The added boost in the bedroom may be because she can't "seal the deal" with the long distance boyfriend and she is sexually frustrated. This will not be the case with a local guy.
Don't let the cat out of the bag if you can't clean the litterbox.
 

sexyserb

Member
Reading what others have written, this is beyond a trainwreck waiting to happen.
She cheated on you starting an emotional affair, then the lightning bolt hit her that she is poly, and wants to have sex with an old boyfriend and you owe it to her because you had an affair and you are getting laid more regularly.
Well, this fellow is long distance, but here is what you can expect to happen after she has her fun. the next sex partner will be in your backyard, she will be going and coming as she pleases, she will develop strong feelings for another man that lives near you, and i guess you will owe that to her also.
If you are Ok with all of that, proceed full speed ahead. But once you open the floodgates, it will be harder to turn back and you better make sure that you are ready for it, which you have basically done none of the real hard discussion on.
I suggest you tell her you did not sign up for polyamory and there is going to have to be some real MC before you proceed down this path. You may find if you skip that step your sex life will decrease dramatically when she gets it locally any time she wants.
 

sexyserb

Member
Smile Texas,

I agree. Wait until OP gets a dose of some good old fashioned NRE with men she can see all the time.

i just sometimes cannot believe what I read. No wonder this fails so often.

New Obsession,

if you want to stay married, you need MC and a LOT of serious discussion. Right now you are getting pushed into something you really do not understand.
This poly works best when BOTH people are on the same page. it will not solve problems in your marriage it will magnify every crack in your relationship
 

SmileTexas

New member
Take it from me, you don't want to jump into it. My relationship is open and a total mess even with the best planning and prep. Things never go the way you plan.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Or as GreenAcres said,
"I suspect you are right when you say there will never be a 'good' time, exactly."

Every relationship is different and what works in one relationship is not the same as what works in another relationship. My advice to you is to continue to study, read "More Than Two" and "Opening Up," and while you're studying, come to your own conclusion about when you are sufficiently ready for your wife to hook up with this other guy.

And if your wife's going to be gone for a couple of days, you'd be wise to plan ahead of time and decide how you will occupy yourself during those two days. Positive and constructive things that you will be able to relax and enjoy. Picture yourself doing those things with your wife gone for two days and see if you can imagine that being a tolerable experience.

Just my 2¢; use your own best judgment and trust your instincts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

sexyserb

Member
New Obsession,

You are under no obligation to accept what she is proposing based on the way she has gone about it. She has it seems told you what she is going to do and given you a very short window on digesting it.
You need to do what is in your heart before you start reading books to help you accept it. You stated that your wife does not want to wreck your marriage. Well, her actions do not scream of that.
If you cannot accept this NOW is the time to say that, and not let it happen and then start reading books.
 

MusicalRose

Member
I'm going to be a bit of a dissenting voice from the majority of people in here. It seems like a lot of people are trying to foist a trauma on you when that might not be necessary or something you are actually feeling.

How do YOU feel about it? In your perfect world, do you like the idea of dating and multiple relationships? How has your emotional reaction been to your wife's behavior and revelations so far? If it has been really painful for you, that is something that you need to pay attention to. It isn't something that will go away out of a feeling of obligation to your wife. If it is something that isn't really dinging you all that hard, you might not be unreasonable to give this a shot.

I would also like to add that people are people and I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of "letting" another person do anything. Your wife is going to do what she wants to do. That's what humans do. Instead of framing this thing as permission in your head for her to do something, frame it as a setting of your own boundaries. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally/sexually involved with someone else? If not, tell her that and let her choose if she'd rather continue her relationship with you or explore something new. Embarking on healthy relationships of any type requires a very strong sense of self. Figure out what it is you want.

Requesting slow down time isn't unreasonable if you feel like you need it, but a request can be denied. If you are making requests, be prepared for either answer, and know how you are going to set your boundaries and act accordingly.

You mentioned before that you don't mind the idea of dating around. What is it that appeals to you? Then try to be aware of all the possibilities. Like many people in this topic have said, it is possible for your wife to get involved with others, experience NRE, want to spend a lot of time with someone else. These are things that can happen. Are you prepared for that if it does? Is she prepared for that if it happens with you and someone else?

I think the most important thing here is self-reflection, counseling if need be. Find out what you want. Be aware of how this is making you feel and what is triggering different negative emotions in you. Be aware if there are positive ones too. Reestablishing trust with your wife will be important. You've obviously both been deceptive in the past. How do you repair that? Or do you feel like the trust can be easily repaired if you are being more honest with each other going forward?

Best of luck!
 

Inyourendo

New member
It's totally understandable why she'd want to explore withb other since she was a virgin when you met. My ex was a virgin and his desire to have sex with another woman is what started our poly adventures. We were only 20 so it was a nightmare, we almost divorced twice. Just go slow and set clear boundaries from the start. I have 4 with nate 1. Friday and Sunday are my nights with him. 2. Use condoms with others or with me if he chooses to go barrier free with others 3. Go dutch on dates 4. No people come to our home
 
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