Anamikanon and Spexy

anamikanon

New member
Discovered something interesting about myself. I get these occasional fits of wishing for a partner I could spend more time with. These are passing whims that aren't really strong enough for me to overcome my domestic limitations (dependents - always at home) or aversion for casual socializing to do something about it. They are also quite fleeting.

I've realized I land up here at such times. Participate on a lot of threads. Which is how my participation here is in intense spurts. Come, interact a lot, vanish.

Today I realized what is going on. I have a very stable relationship with Spexy at the moment and given the knowledge and acceptance of our families on both sides, it sometimes feels.... monogamous and I get bouts of cabin fever on principle, even though I don't really feel the need for another relationship.

I think being here and talking about polyamory sort of asserts that while we are together and currently not involved with anyone else, it is NOT monogamy :p

Then I feel better. :D

Background: Spexy and I are in an LDR and he visits once a month for anything between 4 and 9 days, deoending on getting leave from work, etc. Flying can get expensive and rack up the bills rapidly, so he can't really come over every weekend and such. He is polyfriendly and our relationship is known to both our families, though his parents seem to be expecting an eventual traditional marriage. My being poly by nature is no secret from anyone. Though it being mostly a view rather than practice at this point means that my family hasn't really come face to face with the reality of it.
 
Last edited:

anamikanon

New member
I know it may seem odd to be a one on one relationship with deep commitment but identify as polyamory, BUT also not be seeking more partners. Frankly I wasn't seeking this one either. For me poly is a view of the reality of relationships, rather than an active agenda. I fully recognize that I was single, now I have one partner and it is possible that I could fall in love with someone else, even though I am not right now. And this was made clear when getting into a relationship with Spexy. So... that is basically why I call myself poly.
 

anamikanon

New member
Stray note:

Friend's new girlfriend has the same birthday as his immediate ex (so immediate that they almost overlapped). My first thought on hearing this was he's lucky they aren't all poly. That would be one hell of a scheduling limitation :p
 

anamikanon

New member
Everything just looks too difficult some days. Feeling lonely and dejected.

Some days are like this for me. For experiencing that whether in a relationship or not, we go through life alone. Making our choices. Sometimes having company, sometimes not. Sometimes things work, sometimes you just hold a mountain up till your strength runs out and it falls, crushing you under it.

Explanation: I'm drinking vodka after 3 months and after having a rough 24 hours emotionally.
 
Last edited:

WanderingINTJ

New member
I can maybe understand the moments of wanting someone there consistently for companionship. You want to be able to share daily life sometimes or just have that support. As a single woman with only friends (many of whom are not local) I have my intense moments of loneliness. Just the need to share with someone.

Also, I can agree with you that poly can definitely be a view and what you're open to, but it may not be your active state at the moment. Doesn't make you any less poly. I think I've always been poly in view as I never cared for monogamy but went along with it in practice, as mono was all I knew. I'm glad that you're able to come on this website to get some of the adult interaction that you need. Glad that your LDR is going well.

Discovered something interesting about myself. I get these occasional fits of wishing for a partner I could spend more time with. These are passing whims that aren't really strong enough for me to overcome my domestic limitations (dependents - always at home) or aversion for casual socializing to do something about it. They are also quite fleeting.

I've realized I land up here at such times. Participate on a lot of threads. Which is how my participation here is in intense spurts. Come, interact a lot, vanish.

Today I realized what is going on. I have a very stable relationship with Spexy at the moment and given the knowledge and acceptance of our families on both sides, it sometimes feels.... monogamous and I get bouts of cabin fever on principle, even though I don't really feel the need for another relationship.

I think being here and talking about polyamory sort of asserts that while we are together and currently not involved with anyone else, it is NOT monogamy :p

Then I feel better. :D

Background: Spexy and I are in an LDR and he visits once a month for anything between 4 and 9 days, deoending on getting leave from work, etc. Flying can get expensive and rack up the bills rapidly, so he can't really come over every weekend and such. He is polyfriendly and our relationship is known to both our families, though his parents seem to be expecting an eventual traditional marriage. My being poly by nature is no secret from anyone. Though it being mostly a view rather than practice at this point means that my family hasn't really come face to face with the reality of it.
 

anamikanon

New member
The power of truth and security

Been 48 hours or so since the "truth" conversation with Spexy [edit: about an affair he had last year that we are recovering from quite well and are happy together]. I heard the most godawful things (that he'd stopped giving a fuck about me, that he didn't think his affair was my business because he stopped caring, even though he didn't want to break off because I cared about him, etc). I am surprisingly ok.

Better than ok actually. None of those things were surprises. They were congruent with his behavior during that time. But denying all that had compounded my hurt by keeping lies alive around the affair.

I've been so traumatized by revelations all through this aftermath. I've spent MONTHS in a devastated stupor, just thinking in circles and trying to make sense of everything. I'd genuinely expected that this would hit me hard. I gave myself time to think it through. To process. I waited for the usual devastation, anger, sadness... then I got distracted by something on Twitter. Remembered after a while. Waited for it to hit. Caught up with some work I had to do while I waited. Drank vodka and trolled trolls on Twitter, chatted the ears off another friend (unrelated to the affair completely). And so on. Wait. What? I'm not going to be utterly shredded by all that? Apparently not.

The truth was something already known to me and processed during this past year. I needed to hear it to be assured that I wasn't being still lied to, but apart from needing the truth to be told, there apparently isn't much energy about it other than some sadness while thinking about it actively. It isn't occupying my mind, bringing life to a standstill, nothing. wow.

I think because I am quite secure that Spexy loves me now that hearing that he didn't in the past doesn't bother me so much. Besides, I was there on ground zero. Already been through the nightmare first hand several times over. Hearing about it doesn't sound as hurtful now, I guess. More of a relief that the nightmare has lost its power over him and he no longer needed to protect it and described it in a straightforward manner.

He hasn't forgiven himself for it, of course. He'd once said how could he let go of the guilt while he saw it hurt me over and over? Well, right now I'm thinking I'm feeling close to being done with being hurt by what happened. So maybe that in turn allows him too to stop flogging himself for being the person he no longer is.

Truth matters. It got told and it was nowhere near the monster I'd made it out to be in my head. It gave a squeak and vanished off somewhere. Security matters. Us being in love and being committed to each other gave him the courage to talk (and also the need to give me the answers I needed so badly) and it gave me the insulation against the hurt of him not caring about me by experiencing his love as a daily reality that pushed the "not caring" very firmly into the past where it couldn't touch my reality today.

All in all, not bad at all.
 
Last edited:

anamikanon

New member
Going out for the weekend to stay with some friends - two hour drive away. Will be attending an outdoor poetry session next to the beach, meeting even more people whom I have interacted with before, but meeting for the first time.

Spexy won't be with me. Mixed feelings. One part of me thinks of so many people and wants to simply cancel and stay home. Another genuinely likes all the people and is looking forward to meeting in person.

But I am going to go. I am quite sure I will enjoy it (or I can always return home)
 

anamikanon

New member
In a bad place these days. Ever since spexy has decided to finally tell the truth about his affair last year, and the various lies he told me about it, I have been in turmoil. He has published one post - the beginning of the mess. I have discovered one lie I've been told for the last one year! Long after the affair was over, our relationship improved, and more.

I understand he has a problem with compulsive lying when he fears negative reactions or finds speaking the truth awkward, but some lies are just corrosive.

Adding to my turmoil, when he saw how I was upset by revisiting the past over and over, he promised to post the rest of the story "tonight" that was three nights ago. Knowing how he can get with these things, I didn't invest too much faith in that promise. I waited to see what happened. Every time he was asked about the missed deadline, he said he'd do it in the morning/tonight/morning/tonight... and so on.

I hadn't asked him to post the thread to begin with or give me any exact time when he'd do it. Now that I know I'll finally hear the truth of that time, I'm relieved as well as waiting for the other shoe to fall.

This time of waiting has been rough on me. I am finding it very difficult to not resent the various ways he simply says whatever he thinks the listener wants to hear and does what he wishes regardless of his commitments. It *is* an ongoing psychological issue, but I find myself in a place where I want to see sustained efforts to fix these issues or keep a protective distance from him.

I no longer feel able to understand it merely as a psychological issue without accountable efforts to fix it. The thing is, he is making efforts. What is happening is still the old pattern, but he is meeting psychologists and such.

I am finding it very hard to not react to the provocation of his behavior. Some part of me is thinking that like so many previous efforts to change, this will remain stuck at apologies too after a brief initial period of effort when the going gets tough or he simply loses momentum.

This, combined with the posts I know are coming has me in a very vulnerable frame of mind.

I understand that I need to react less and accept that these things will take time. I accept that he has made and kept appointments with the psychologist so far. I guess I'm in a very "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of mood wondering what other betrayals I am going to discover from last year, but also wanting to have the record straight once and for all between us instead of new hurtful truths and new versions of truths popping up every few weeks or months.

Trying to be kind to myself and keep myself distracted. I will hear him out, process what I heard, what I feel and then calmly decide how I want to respond to the situation.
 

anamikanon

New member
A year after the affair. Almost a year after it was over. I make the most devastating discovery of all. MB (the other woman) thought spexy was monogamous and committed to us. She was a garden variety home breaker chasing spexy because she wanted him. And spexy LIKED this. Spexy liked a person who wanted to create trouble between us. And spexy neither discussed a thing with me, nor clarified that we were not monogamous. In hindsight, spexy seems to have remembered we weren't committed to monogamy only when he needed a cover up. Right to that point he had never expressed any interest in having another partner.

They built a relationship over a month. Meeting 3-4 days a week. Allegedly platonic, but he almost never mentioned her to me. Why not? What was to hide? He talks about everything else. She initiated a physical relationship believing spexy and me to be monogamous. She wanted him to betray his commitment to us and spexy didn't evict her on sight, he embraced her. Fuck. They got physical when she believed he was supposed to be loyal to me. She meant our relationship ILL and spexy found her attractive and he loved her and got into bed with her.

I am not able to process this. Spexy got into bed with an actual fucking cowgirl after building up to it for a month. That is how little he cared about what we had. I want to puke. My head wants to explode.

When does all this end? I'm beyond fed up of this affair. Beyond fed up of hurting. Of discovering new pain. Totally shattered right now. This goes beyond lies. It goes beyond everything.

I don't even know what it means. The affair is supposedly in the past. It is over. Spexy is a different person now. But I don't know how to make sense of this. It HURTS anyway.
 

anamikanon

New member
I may be ending things with Spexy. I don't know for sure, but there is only so much that can be overlooked with an excuse of his psychological issues, particularly given that he doesn't seem to be making any particular effort to get over them either, knowing fully that I end up hurt over and over.

The good times are still good. But increasingly I have lost hope that he is particularly interested in improving the bad times. He says he is, but the pattern is consistent. He has never said he isn't, but he also doesn't sustain any kind of an effort to improve matters.

Nothing is decided yet. We are due for a major talk. Frankly, I wish he'd get his head out of his ass. What he is doing may be hurting me, and it may not be important enough for him to undertake hard effort over, but it is hardly enriching his own life either. Serial choosing the easy way over the right way never ends well.

Unless some miracle happens - not expecting one at this point - I am faced with the choice of staying with him for the sake of the good times and being hurt over and over by bad ones, or breaking up with him and being hurt once and getting over it, but losing the good times as well. Neither choice is feeling "right" at the moment.
 

anamikanon

New member
Absolute chaos in my head right now. It is over. Long overdue. But I am grieving. I wanted it to work. I liked him. But even burying head in sand is no longer possible. We both agree that he is not going to work on the relationship and keeping a false hope is futile.

I hurt so bad I'm not processing anything.
 

anamikanon

New member
And we are trying again. Neither of us wants to end the relationship, but both of us agree it isn't working as it is. So we are giving it another shot, with concrete daily plans and a very clearly defined set of actions, goals, etc. If it works, I expect both of us would be delirious with joy. If it doesn't, it would suck badly, but we have to accept that if we can't make it work, merely loving doesn't fix anything.
 

anamikanon

New member
So far, so good

Was too much chaos in my head to say more in the last post, but we have agreed on a very clearly defined trial including mutual friends we "report" to, who will hold both of us to task if we slack off.

The basic expectation is that Spexy learns to communicate functionally in a relationship otherwise we are doomed to these periods of "honeymoons" and utter communication failure in the interim. We have tried this over and over and it is very hard for Spexy and it is also a problem in other areas of his life, beyond our relationship. We have long identified specific actions he could do to learn how to communicate and make a habit of communicating. We have seen that they work when he does them. He indeed is able to express himself much better if he's given some kind of "structure" rather than be expected to do it spontaneously.

However, he has a serious problem staying with any plans for change. The first few days are good and then he simply.... forgets. Or he will do efforts if I remind and drop it when I get tired of reminding daily. And I start thinking that he does the bare minimum if I nag him but doesn't really care that the emotional turmoil he causes actually hurts others (me, others in family, etc). That makes me feel that I'm not important enough to go out of his way to not hurt.

So now we are decided that if he really wants this to work, then he has to figure out his own system for sticking with the plan. This isn't a "test" in the sense he has to prove himself while I tap my fingers, waiting. I am planning to be supportive, but not unconditionally and indefinitely forgiving.

I will be reminding him if he forgets, without taking it personally. On his part, he has to figure out how not to forget.

The agreement is that forgetting three days in a row means we sit down with our mutual friends and have a discussion. Forgetting seven days in a row means the trial is off and we break off, even though both of us don't really want to.

So far, one week in, it has been very, very good. A bit intoxicating, actually, given that his preferred way so communicate feelings about the relationship he finds hard to talk about is poetry and me, being the partner, feature very much :D So not only do I have a partner who suddenly shares things about the relationship, he's telling me with poetry how much he values me. Who wouldn't be intoxicated?

It isn't a miraculous change or anything. He forgot one day, corrected as soon as he could. I gave him some ideas on how not to miss deadlines - simple, obvious stuff like not leaving the day's task to 11:30pm, so that a minor delay or forgetting makes him fail it, or setting an alarm or reminder so that he doesn't forget. And for once, instead of simply getting suggestions but doing things his way (even when it is failing), he seems to have immediately taken them and put them to use.

Makes me hopeful-cynical-hopeful-skeptical-hopeful.... you get the idea.

I really, really want this to work. We are very good together, and in a way, breaking up over the communication chasm seems like dumping someone for a disability - unfair. At the same time, I have been forced to accept that while he cannot help his difficulties, addressing them or not is still a choice that he is making and he has over and over chosen the easy way out with the emotional cost largely being dumped on my head. Unlimited forgiveness is only setting me up for more down the road. I don't deserve this and I have come to realize that while I really want this to work, it is important to my own well being that I agree to it only if I see him making and sustaining efforts to overcome our problems instead of simply ignoring them since they don't bother him.

Not succeeding immediately is fine. Even failing is fine on occasion - I completely understand that what comes normally to most of us is a very difficult thing for him. But not even trying is not ok, if I matter in the relationship. And he needs to learn in any case, if he wants to fix his other relationships, keep his job, and so on. The easy way, assisted by gravity is leading straight to the bottom of a pit.

So far, this is working. He is also behaving in a more responsible manner, which is an important change from before (or maybe wishful thinking - I find myself terrified of hope, even). But I have been so happy all this last week! I so want us to be together.
 

anamikanon

New member
So we worked through that and in December Spexy moved in with me. He seemed uneasy. No action on sex front. He blamed it on the work front being uncertain.

Work front got sorted. Brief intimacy followed, then he identified as asexual. Since then, sex has dried up and I am awake in the bedroom while he snores.

Well, that explains a lot and also puts me in a pickle. I have a healthy sex drive and being with an asexual 24/7 is driving me up the wall. It also explains a lot of oddities on the sexual front and falls in neatly with the other psychological issues he has.

My bedroom has turned into a fucking platonic zone and I'm going nuts.

Thing is, he has really settled on other fronts and we are doing brilliantly together as... roommates.

First time in my life I am actually actively seeking a relationship, because otherwise I am going to have to kick him out of my bedroom - which I really don't want to do if I can avoid. For that, I need to get a handle on the sexual front for myself or no way am I going to survive the endless nights of... nothing going on.

This relationship is so full of endless problems one after the other that some days I wonder why I am doing this to myself. But I really like him. Some hidden masochistic tendencies I suppose.
 

sexyserb

Member
Ana,

You have a couple of problems here. First, you now have a boyfriend living with you that you have it appears no sex life with but whom you have feelings for, but it seems as a “friend” and companion. Nothing wrong with a male friend and confident but why are you wanting to have him as “boyfriend”.

Sex is an integral part of the overwhelming percentage of committed relationships. So now you are in a position of any new men you meet on any forum or method of at some point explaining who they hell Spexy is and what is the relationship.

Now, lots of people share apartments or residences with roommates of the opposite sex, but if you continue to go the route of Spexy as boyfriend, it means you must find other men who are OK with that concept.

And despite what some here believe, you are limiting your “man pool” to a small percentage of the male population. And while I know nothing of Indian culture, I am guessing that arrangement is not a feral popular one there.

I am not criticizing you so please accept my apologies if it appears that way. I think you should talk to Spey, see a sex therapist with him if he will go, and try to establish a sex life of some kind. Then you can decide if you wants more but at least your need will possibly be getting met.

Maybe I misunderstand the situation,. If so, again I apologize.
 

anamikanon

New member
I hear you totally Sexyserb, trust me, it is among the things that go through my head all the time. But he is my partner whether we have sex or not. In the sense, I'd never get into another relationship while calling this one platonic in an explanation to my sexual partner. Sex isn't a zero zone. He isn't averse and does enjoy the occasional sex and he is happy to get me off, etc more regularly, though it just isn't the same thing. Even if sex was zero, I don't promise new partners exclusivity to begin with. So there is no reason to discuss Spexy's private information with others unless they become serious relationships where intimate information of this sort becomes relevant.

I have thought of addressing the sex issues - but he doesn't see asexuality as a problem that needs to be fixed "because it is an orientation". This is still new, so I am going to give him a while to realize that he does want more sex and to figure out ways how to want it more if he wants to belong in a "highly sexual orientation" partner's bedroom on a daily basis. Getting into a sexual relationship and then whimsically making it near platonic is going to go only so far before I start seeing him as a random not-in-my-bedroom family member and not in my intimate zone or break off altogether.

On his part, he does accept that this is frustrating for me and tries to engage more.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Oh wow.
I guess people who have trouble to be in touch with emotion will also generally struggle with sexuality.
Do you think that what's going on, or am I imposing my prejudice on him? (i.e. he's really asexual?)
 

anamikanon

New member
If I were to venture a guess, the asexuality and the alexythimia are linked. Sexual blindness seems a logical result of emotional blindness, so to say. That said, who knows. Whether linked or separate and coexisting, I suppose our actual struggle is the same.
 

anamikanon

New member
So I finally went on a date. Found a man interested in me enough to come and meet me in our area. We met in the evening over tea/coffee sort of thing. Then his phone ran out of battery, so he came over to charge it and download some work emails before leaving.

I was .... okay. I liked that this chap also has no idea where this is going and wants to take things slow. He is married and with two children. He and his wife have discussed and agreed to open the marriage, but he hasn't actually been with anyone yet. So, like me, he doesn't actually know how this will pan out and wants to go slow and be careful and would rather stop than be careless. I liked his honesty about that.

Other than that... he is from another world. Corporate job, arrived wearing a tie... To my eyes, we don't seem to have a lot in common. He is easy to talk to, but I am not used to talking so much. By the time we concluded a the cafe, I was ready to run home. Then he came home to charge his phone (he lives 3 hours away) and by then I was like really ready to call it a day, though he was nice enough. Spexy figured out what was going on and was a champion and had some casual conversation with him and sort of helped me get through that last mile.

So now, apart from not in the least finding a date sexy, I need my partner to even get through it, it seems. :rolleyes:

Not feeling particularly confident about my ability to date enough people to find "the one" or "ones" at the moment. This dating thing itself seems to be very... not my thing. I'd probably not have minded this guy at all in some other context.
 
Top