...and we're on our way.

redsirenn

New member
Hi everyone.

I just wanted to post that I had a great night with J last night. Kept within my boundaries, and am having fun exploring what could be the beginning of a real poly relationship.

I NEVER would have thought this sort of thing would have happened to me, or that I would even consider it.

Who knows what the future brings, but I am excited to have the chance to explore my self and my life in a different way. I have a wonderful BF, and a new interest that is completely open and unafraid of this dynamic.

Thank you for your support,
It was paramount to me getting here.
RS
 

AutumnalTone

New member
:D
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Hi everyone.

I just wanted to post that I had a great night with J last night. Kept within my boundaries, and am having fun exploring what could be the beginning of a real poly relationship.

I NEVER would have thought this sort of thing would have happened to me, or that I would even consider it.

Who knows what the future brings, but I am excited to have the chance to explore my self and my life in a different way. I have a wonderful BF, and a new interest that is completely open and unafraid of this dynamic.

Thank you for your support,
It was paramount to me getting here.
RS

I'm happy for you my friend. I hope you are smiling this morning and everything is going great!
 

redsirenn

New member
Man do I have some news...

So, Ouroboros is in Guatemala for the month. I called him up last night because I was in a club with some close friends of mine and a girlfriend expressed interest in playing with me.... I wanted to know what the boundaries were.

So - I totally had sex with a woman last night.

It felt so completely natural. Even she said "gender doesn't really matter, does it?"

Now, today, I feel like I have a lot to process.
1) Never done this before... the newness of that and all the societal ?s are filling my brain.
2) Wondering now why the boundaries are different for a girl than a guy? I hear about this all the time - how guys feel much less insecure about this arrangement.
3) also feeling strangely guilty about it... like I did something wrong.

I am not sure if I am bi - or if I was just having fun. Really feeling little need to define that at the moment, if ever.
 

Mohegan

New member
Now, today, I feel like I have a lot to process.
1) Never done this before... the newness of that and all the societal ?s are filling my brain.
2) Wondering now why the boundaries are different for a girl than a guy? I hear about this all the time - how guys feel much less insecure about this arrangement.
3) also feeling strangely guilty about it... like I did something wrong.

I am not sure if I am bi - or if I was just having fun. Really feeling little need to define that at the moment, if ever.

Go you! My feeling on what you are processing is that
1) that's gonna be for you to decide how to handle or not handle
2) My understanding is that most men don't feel another woman is a threat. They don't have to compete b/c the dynamic is different. Though Karma doesn't seem to care one way or another as long as I'm happy.
3)I totaly get that. A friend kissed me at a party several weeks ago (the non b/f of my blog) and while we've had Karma's permision for awhile, and it was only a few kisses with Karma there, and it was great, I still felt guilty. I can't explain why, but I did.

I've never slept with a woman. I want to. I've always wanted to. I've gone pretty far with my wife, but things just haven't worked out with anyone to go any further.

That being said I identify Bi to save explanation to society, but I'm not big on labels. I love people. I love people who care, I love intimacy. The female body is beautiful and unique to the power of a male body. The connection with a female is different than a male ( in my opinion). Basicaly, I'm me and I'm attracted to whomever I'm attracted to regardless of their sex.

I hope you find your answers, and I hope they bring you the enlightenment and peace mine brought me.
 

redsirenn

New member
Um ARGH.

J, the guy I have been seeing every once in a while is in a situation that is driving me bonkers. In fact - I am a little pissed.

There is another woman, we'll call her H. She is obsessive... and I mean this for sure. She and J knew each other in Maine before he moved here (for like 6 days) and she moved here "chasing him". She forced herself into his home, saying she would stay for 2 weeks, stayed for 6.... she has become entirely dependent on him here. He found her an apartment, and she won't branch out and find her own friends and activities. Co dependence is oozing out of everywhere!

As soon as something happened between J and I, she FREAKED. Him and her were f*ing mostly out of convenience at the beginning, and he told her ( not because of me, prior to me) that he didn't want to date her, and they should date other people.

I come into the picture, and she becomes crazy.

Right now - even thought they are not dating - there is a "ban" on how J and I can interact. I have my own boundaries... I'm moving slow, and we have ONLY kissed.... totally PG. That is all that will happen regardless of him, OR her for a while.

This is TOTAL BULLSHIT.

Now - I would understand and be graceful if they were in a relationship, he wanted to date her and build a relationship, etc. etc. and I would not be so pissed off.

Right now, this chick owns his balls, and it is NOT attractive. If he doesn't make a move for his own free fucking will, I will make it for him, and be done with this.

Now, this is a total shame. We get a long great, really like each other, and find each other attractive. But I am not a puppet. She is not my master either. God damn.

Anyone ever experienced this before?
 

AutumnalTone

New member
From here it appears he's lying if he claims to not be dating her and yet he acquiesces to her demands about his relationships. No healthy, functional adult would worry about the demands of somebody with whom there is no relationship--which indicates there is.

Or it indicates that he's got major problems and doesn't qualify as a healthy, functional adult. If he's put up with as much co-dependent shit from her as it appears, I'd say he's likely not a healthy, functional adult.

I'd stay away from that mess completely, were it me. No dates, certainly, and no involved chats or visits or anything else. Nothing until I was firmly convinced his Bucket o' Crazy is much smaller than it appears right now.
 

redsirenn

New member
AutumnalT -

That is EXACTLY how I feel.


Was definitely not looking for advice here, just curious if this is something anyone has encountered b/c it seems so odd.

I mean, grow the f up, and get a pair. ya know?
 

redsirenn

New member
Well, Learned something else about myself the past couple of days. I need to learn to trust that I DO have good judgment in people.

J talked with that woman the night after I posted the last post and he told her that he wasn't going to put up with her behavior anymore. That she could not choose his friends for her, and he wanted to be more than friends with me. He apologized for not doing anything when she was so rude to me and promised to step up if that were to happen again.

Time will tell, I suppose.

He hung out with my friends for the first time since then and they got along great. It made me very happy. The few friends that know what is going on were friendly and happy for me, and totally themselves. The others who had no clue, gave me a strange look and then probably brushed it off as a new friend of mine.

Now - I just have to ride this wave and see if this is something that works for me or not. I am having fun (complicated by moments of guilt and feeling like I am cheating, which I am not... but eh.) I don't want to lose the amazing thing I have with O due to this and am being careful to not take actions that I don't really want or need. I have to trust him to tell me what is going on with him as well... I know this.

I keep thinking about if this were reversed. I'd have such a hard time. O seems to be handling it well, even while he is out of the country.

Maybe me having this experience will help me realize why I shouldn't freak out. maybe not... guess we will see.

I don't want to hurt either of them. So I tell J that it is like we have just started dating and I expect him to date other people. In fact, he is good dating material for my own friends. wonder if that would be weird.

Anyhow, just venting a bit with all the new information floating in my brain.

It flops from a moment of giddiness to guilt to worry to giddiness again.... ahhhhh! I need to calm down. :)
 

redsirenn

New member
I have not been feeling like myself

This is really just a rant, so that I can get some stuff out of my head:

I have been in a bit of a low spot for the past couple of weeks. I cannot exactly pinpoint what it is that is going on with me, but I have been incredibly stressed out with research and moving, and O.

I have not been as close to O as I would like to be - I think I am getting to the point where I, once again, find I am getting very close to someone and I pull away for fear of getting my heart ripped to shreds.

There is no real justification for this - he has been very affectionate and kind to me, like always.

I wonder if it is the thing with J (which has basically fizzled out due to my being so busy) that has made me confused. I wonder if I am feeling like I am settling in and feeling boring to be with, I wonder if...

J was just too young, I think. I want to remain friends with him, but like the last "relationship" I had with T about a year ago, they just stop returning phone calls. I think this situation is hard for people to deal with. One moment I am "the girl of his dreams", the next jealousy rears its head and "I want to steal you away" comments start.

I sooooooo don't want drama, and so I get freaked out too, and withhold affections in order to enter the friend state, just so I don't have to deal with anymore stressors in my life.

When I start feeling like this I entertain the notion of breaking it off with O. I know he would be hurt, but I get to the point where I am on the verge of too much in my life. I have no reason to break it off with him, other than my typical avoidance mechanisms that click in and out during times like this.

Then the chain of "I don't want my life to be any more complicated", "I don't want to do the poly thing ANYMORE", "I just want to do what I want to do", "If I keep this going and change my mind, that would be worse than just ending it now"...

argh. And then the more rational part of my brain kicks in and kicks down some of these thoughts. I still wonder - maybe wanted a simple life is not that bad of a thing?

It is the stress talking. My labmate just asked me if I was OK, because my eyes are so puffy - not from crying, just from feeling bogged down and helpless.

Last night, I broke down a bit when on the phone with O. I was really moody and upset and was trying my best to not bring him into it. I didn't want to be annoying, or tiresome, or boring, or depressing. I feel like I cannot be like that or else he will eventually leave.

I need to rest. I need to feel loved without being entertaining. I really need to feel like I can love someone and they won't rip my heart out. So I think about just being alone, because I don't believe that someone can really promise that to anyone.

meh.
 

redsirenn

New member
Hi - It's been a while. Getting a doctorate is a real pain in the ass.

I just re read the above post. I ended up talking to O about this a couple of times. Once due to my fear that being so busy would tear us apart, and another because my work was stressing me out for REAL.

It is truly amazing how stresses in your every day life can impact your ability to deal with anything emotional.

I worked through a lot of that, and am amazed at his patience and am in complete love with him. Someone on here said (RedPepper, i think) that I seem to feel like my relationship is built on sand, and to test it would help prove myself some things - to make it feel more solid. The past 3 months has been a test, for sure.

After freaking out over something STUPID one night, and worried that my lack of availability would force O into someone else's arms, I almost revoked the open relationship clause. He got very angry and defensive about the whole thing, and I felt I just couldn't deal with any more emotional stress on top of my work. I was about to cave. Then about a week later I ended up making out publicly with one of my closest friends here... another girl. We were all at a club and well, we just spent the whole night locked together. haha. It was great and I was very glad I didn't revoke our agreements at that point.

I think over the past several months I have had a couple of aha moments. I've heard people talk about this before... but I am VERY sure that I am bi now. I think past to all the fantasies as a teen, and several very peculiar nights spent with my best-friend/neighbor that I never allowed myself to realize were my very first sexual experiences because she was a girl...

I feel like this really isn't all that big of a deal, but I know there are those that struggle with these realizations. I have no intention of sharing this with family... They will never be faced with it, so why should they know, which probably helps my comfort level.

so, any advice for a newly discovered bi girl?? :D

Also, O's last serious relationship ended by opening it up so she could pursue a relationship with another female. This ultimately ended with her cheating on him (even though he tried to be communicative) and leaving him for her.

So - the fact that I have both slept with and made out with 2 other women recently is very real for him. I think I still had the school of thought where if it's a girl, it "doesn't count". hm. Interesting social conditioning there. Thing is, I really have no interest in random girls... just my friends. I think it's because I trust them, and already love them in a way. now - it is completely out!

Regardless, I still get wormies with regards to O and other girls. I need to remind myself about the above situations when I do, and how I love him more because he lets me be myself.
 

redsirenn

New member
Ok, the 6 month update. :p

O and I are doing great. We've settled into some comfortableness, and discuss things as they come up. We've also kind've decided that neither of us wants another relationship with someone else, and have been discussing what "poly" means, what we "are", etc.

Right now, the agreement is that we can make out with whomever, so long as it isn't at a huge party where all of our colleagues are at. I don't need the stares, questions, judgement, etc.

It's happened a few times for the both of us - me with another female friend, *snicker*, and him with a friend of a friend recently. I actually didn't get gurbles about it - I thought it was cute and I was proud of him for going in for the kill. Although it is weird for me to write and I think some friends don't really understand or feel threatened still.

In fact- at a recent party O was confronted by a friend wanting to know if we are in an open relationship and was super excited about it. We have some level of open-ness, but the doors are not blown off the hinges. Her bf saw her and got super pissed and jealous. He is an odd fellow. He used to date my housemate and I saw manipulative and controlling behavior from him towards her and so I had a talk with her. At first she was defensive, but they later broke up and she was more appreciative for what I said. I feel bad for this new chick.

As far as anything further, we've been busy although talk about it. The possibility is certainly still on the table. I think we are enjoying the intimacy we have with each other as things are.

J - the man (boy) I mention in the previous post got that annoying chick preggers and I slowed down my visits and communication with him. It pissed me off for so many reasons, and also justified my feeling that he was acting immature. It also completely made me lose any attraction to him. I never made a scene - but I calmly told him what I thought, and left it at that.

All of this (the cheating friends, J being irresponsible) makes me appreciate O even more. I realize all the heartache, annoyance, etc from our relationship early on has amplified my ability to trust him now. So yay:)

I am even day dreaming about where the fun can go next... There are so many cute people (guys and gals) out there!
 

redsirenn

New member
Open Relationship/Poly groups

After 2 years of Dating O, we are discovering a community of like-minded individuals in our small town. All the friends that doubted us are more comfortable, and even participate on occasion (lightly). This is AWESOME to me, because originally I banned friends from this, and now appreciate the honesty and trust in the occasional fun with someone you know.

Furthermore, one of my closest friends has opened up her relationship and is exploring polyamory (not just open relationships) with a long-distance bf. Something she said she would "never" do when I was talking to her about me. Now, everyone is stepping out of the wood-works, and we even have a nice little community that cropped up out of no where!

It is soooo nice to have this support network, to just be able to talk/not feel singled out and weird about talking about your SO's trysts with other people, no matter how small or big a deal they were. I think others are feeling the same.

Also, my close friend is so strong in all of this that I feel more comfortable and trusting in O. I realize that regardless of the shape of your relationship, it is so important to have others to bounce ideas off. This is probably why I've been quite absent from here. I'm happy, secure, and have my own little group of live people to hang out with and talk to. I can bring J to parties with all of my friends there (even though nothing is happening between us anymore, it was weird for a bit b/c everyone knew what I was doing). I am not ashamed, WHY WAS I? ;)

There are no OSOs, who knows if there will be... but the exploration of all of this has been so incredibly rewarding in so many ways, I don't think it really matters.
 

redsirenn

New member
ENGAGED!

And with Profiles on OKC ;) Our community of like-minded individuals is growing immensely here in my small town. It's kind've spectacular. What started with O and I scared, with no one to talk to (why I turned to this forum in the first place) has grown into acceptance and even comradery.

Also, I found a great rock band to play in, and just got back from a short tour and recording session.

Until next time,
RS
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
Awesomeness!:)

Congratulations on your engagement (and your comradery with others).

Thanks for the update.
 
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