Anger

Mark1npt

New member
Does anyone have any advice for someone experiencing anger directed toward them from their spouse?

Case in point, my wife and I of 27 years.......8 months ago as our best friend's marriage was finally and terminally crumbling, I suggested a "V" relationship be formed with her best friend, her and I. They are not bi and both very mono. I now know that I have always been poly, but living a mono life. I have a severe loyalty streak, but that's another issue.

My wife agreed to this scenerio and the relationship began. For mental health support reasons and financial reasons, we moved our 3rd in with us, to live in the upstairs of our house. (my wife was not able to envision a shared bed arrangement).

It has been a blessing for all involved. We all get along great and function wonderfully as one big happy family. Nights are alternated by me between the two women. The house runs beautifully, we are all truly best friends.

The problem....lately my wife has been teeming with anger toward me, especially the morning after I am with our 3rd. She harbors it, later voices it, but can't say why. It appears she honestly doesn't know why. It is distressing to us other two and now beginning to affect our relationship some.

I have suggested counseling to my wife and that now appears to be a viable alternative. We have tried talking about it, but never seem to cover any new ground. She voices her anger, but doesn't know why she is feeling that way.

Any thoughts, anyone?
 

yoxi

New member
If she can't tell you, it definitely sounds like she needs to talk about it to someone who's not intimately involved in the situation that's making her angry. A counsellor or a good friend. And how is your 3rd finding this? Maybe you all need to talk about it together.
 

Mark1npt

New member
Thanks yoxi....they've talked quite a bit, she and i have talked quite a bit. Nothing seems to come of it. Nothing changes. She feels better for a day or two, then wham...the morning after I'm with our 3rd she's back flashing anger again. All the rest of the time she's loving, having fun, getting along, etc...very difficult to explain....like I said, she doesn't even know why she's behaving like this. We've discussed jealousy, it doesn't seem to be that. We've discussed it not being a competition between the two of them for my love or attention. They both have it, no questions asked. I've reiterated til I'm blue in the face that I can't exist happily without the two of them in my life. They profess the same. So what gives?
 

redpepper

New member
hm, bizarre circumstance. I feel for you.

I would suggest she look at the jealousy issue again. After all, the two of you were monogamous together for a long time and now she has chosen to share you. Perhaps she is not conscious of the fact that she needs to feel she is respected/appreciated for the time she has spent with you. I know I would struggle with that.... even though I have compersion and would enjoy the arrangement you have.

Perhaps she is not focusing on her life outside of your "v"? Maybe on the nights that you are with your other she needs to be more socially active.... maybe she needs to have her own "other" love?

Perhaps there is something rising out of her unconscious around you and your other partner as there seems to be a cycle of her being angry after you have spent the night with her? I would hate for that cycle to become entrenched. I really don't know your details, but hope that something comes out of starting this thread and there is some movement......

If I were her I would spend a good long time on my own, perhaps away from home, to meditate on it and focus on myself. I would also spend some time talking with your other when you are not there to see if she can shed some light on the issue. I know you love both of them very much, but sometimes we all need some ranting time.

I hope some of these questions are helpful....
 

Mark1npt

New member
Redpepper, thanks for the input. You being a woman, I value your take on this topic especially so. The wife and I had a long talk last night in which a lot of hard feelings were expressed on both sides. She finally admitted to me that her "anger" was really jealousy, but she didn't want our 3rd to know. Well, of course we all 3 sat down after and had another long talk, addressing the jealousy issue and a few others. In short we are 3 unique people with a 20+ year bond, in a unique situation, at a unique time in our lives (meaning kids are grown and we are on the downside of our careers) so there's not a lot of peripheral baggage to stop us from living this poly lifestyle.

We are all 3 so good, living together, and while neither of the women are bi, my loving them, both together as a family unit. We are all very close friends on top of the love we share for eachother. There is no reason good enough for this not to work out for all 3 of us. I have re-assured my wife on numerous occasions, that she is not losing me. Our 3rd has re-assured her that she is not stealing me away from her. I have made it clear to both of them that I wouldn't be able to function or live the rest of my days content/happy without both of them by my side. So there should be no sense of loss that brings about such strong feelings of jealousy in this relationship.

My wife seems to think it's the empty bed next to her on the nights I'm with our 3rd that draws it out of her. (she has no interest in having her own, 3rd) I don't equate it with being that big a deal since we have frequently gone to bed at different times or travelled on business over the years so the bed was never fully occupied anyway. How do we break these feelings of jealousy? Talking about it doesn't seem to achieve that. Re-assuring doesn't seem to do it. What's next? Any other suggestions anyone's found helpful? Thanks
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Redpepper's husband would be a good source of info on this topic as his situation is more related to your wife's. Although we do not live together yet, Redpepper and I usually spend two nights a week at my place. I have no jealousy towards him because I hold their love and marriage sacred. I want them to be closer together. I wonder what his thoughts would be on this.
 

redpepper

New member
He is not a member on here but I can ask him, sure. I thought, after I wrote, how I had recognized that anger in him sometimes. He is happy with our situation but it does mean that I am not around sometimes and that there has been a huge change. we have never been separated, except for a week in our 8 year marriage. It must of felt very strange at first. I think it has helped to have our own time together on dates and doing things that we used to do that are normal in our relationship. There is some comfort int that I think.... watching tv while we fold laundry for instance... that seems to ease the burden of emotions/work/communication/differentness that comes with this kind of change.

HA! the mundane has become so important! who would of guessed when I was so bored and fed up with it at one point!

It seems your relationship hasn't been very long? Is the NRE wearing off on the whole thing. I think that NRE can be for the whole poly experience for a "v" as much as between two members of it that are together. Maybe things are just becoming normalized and there is a remnant of emotion there.

I'm glad you have got to the bottom of it a bit more and have found a few answers.
 

Quath

New member
Maybe for the nights you are away, you can find a way to alter any patterns that are not working. Like maybe a good night kiss for her when she goes to bed... like being tucked in. Or maybe she treats herself extra special on nights you will not be there by taking a long bath, watching a favorite movie, or eating some really good ice cream.

It sounds like she doesn't want to be jealous to the point she she tries very hard to hide it until it comes out as anger. So maybe she can try to let you know when she is feeling the pangs of jealousy. The idea is that she can communicate it, but it doesn't directly mean that any plans need to change. That way she can tell you without feeling like she is making trouble for anyone.
 

redpepper

New member
It sounds like she doesn't want to be jealous to the point she she tries very hard to hide it until it comes out as anger. So maybe she can try to let you know when she is feeling the pangs of jealousy. The idea is that she can communicate it, but it doesn't directly mean that any plans need to change. That way she can tell you without feeling like she is making trouble for anyone.

I like your ideas Quath and think you might be on to something there...
I like to express our emotions, regardless of what they are, as much in the moment as I can and without delving into what the others might think of me. It is hard to to that, as it makes me super vulnerable... and especially around strong emotions such as anger, but it has the effect of dulling them quickly so that they don't become something they are not. I don't always know what it is I am "feeling" about but I have the option to say "I am feeling this and don't know what it is, but just want to let you know. I will let you know when I know so we can talk about it." I have found, in doing this often now that the moment I start to say that I have some kind of notion of what it is and can then start talking about it and picking it apart. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it and will say that too. Usually because I need to pick words so as not to hurt another or need to think it all through first.
 

Quath

New member
One of the most valuable lessons in dealing with other people was something I learned on an online game. It was a MUD (kind of like World of Warcraft but text based) and I would adventure with one of my friends fron another school. I would usually get on, read the forums in game and take care of any inventory stuff. Then i would see who was on. If i saw her, I would say something to her.

However, she usually saw me online first and would be the first to say "hello." She once told me that it bothered her that she was always first to greet me. So I told her what I did and said I would look for her online first and say hello to her.

She said that was not what she wanted. I couldn't understand. I just solved the problem and I would be saying hello to her first. She said that part was unimportant. What she really wanted to know was that I did want to talk to her when I got online. She said she just needed to get her feelings heard and the typical guy response is to try to fix it when all she wanted was to talk about how she felt.

With this new knowledge, I was about to understand a lot more things my girlfriend was telling me. So I learned it is ok to talk about a problem with the intent is just to communicate and not fix.
 

redpepper

New member
Thanks Mono...is it possible to ask him ? I don't know if he's a member here on this board.

hi Mark... I asked him about this and he said that he usually waits to see if his feelings in general are about our situation in some way or are more about the paradigm of the mono culture we all grew up in. Often times it is his old mono paradigm seeping in and when he thinks of our lives together he is reassured.
 

Lemondrop

New member
I'd also like to suggest that your wife try writing a journal. Sometimes when I'm angry, I think it's about one thing but later realize that it's about another. I've found that if I start writing it down--especially in a letter to the person I'm angry with--I end up at a completely different destination than I thought I was headed to. And every once in a while I find a solution that works while I'm venting my spleen. And, best of all, if I'm not proud of the emotions expressed in the letter, it can be destroyed. I got my feelings out, I might have figured out what was really wrong or found a solution, and then the hurtful things can be thrown away. You can still communicate, but it makes it easier to say things in a way that doesn't hurt your loved ones. It's really helped my husband and I communicate--I tend to go off on tangents when I'm angry, so nothing gets resolved. But writing it all down kind of highlights what's really important and what's just venting. He says he loves reading my letters, even the angry ones, because it helps him see how my mind works. And we've been married 19 years...so it's kind nice that we're finally figuring this out. :p
 

tigrrrlily

New member
sounds to me like maybe your wife is facing an impossible choice and feeling powerless, mark. Did I understand you right that you decided you wanted to try poly? Maybe she doesn't really want a triad but she doesn't want to lose you either. Either way she's screwed. I had this sort of anger when my former partner decided to move to the other side of the world, knowing that i wanted to stay here. I had a choice but it wasn't much of a choice. I didn't feel like i could reasonably complain because after all i had a choice and i'd made a choice (to stay). So lots of anger i couldn't 'understand', focussed on other things, until i realised this. Then i was just angry, for a long long time, about actually not having had a choice. We've forgiven each other at last.
 
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