I think the authors point is that while some sex share can be a spiritual practice or spiritual moment or spiritual exchange -- not EVERY sex share is so. Sex could also not be used as "escapism" or "medicine" from the orgasm brain high.
I also think the thing to keep in mind that a Koan can sound "backward" or "paradoxical" sometimes. It is meant to.
To me that bit was weakly linked and I lumped it with "figure out what commitment means" and "deal with your shit" as summary. But if you want to examine those chunks more closely... here's my take.
pg 10 -- Because here is the deal: If your version of "tantra" culminates with mind-blowing athletic sex with a host of available and skilled partners, possibly getting to tenderness, but always riding the freebase of high of novelty and dopamine until it begins to fade into the low tide mud flats of actual living, whereby you reboot and more or less do it again with a differerent of additional partner -- you are not really doing at all.
My translation:
"Don't be an NRE junkie hopping from person to person. Sex share is not "medicine" and it is not a substitute for tending to your spiritual health problems. "
pg 11
You've got to have pulled an Odysseus and lashed yourself to the mast and stuffed wax in your ears not to go mad or lose your mind when the fire of Kundalini really starts to warp and burn anything that's not pure and enduring.
And that requires sacrifice. That requires commitment. That requires setting aside childish things.
My translation:
"Don't use NRE or polyshipping as as escapism from dealing with your shit. Even if solving the shit feels hard and is getting hot and heavy, commit to solving your shit."
pg 12 -- And the only way I'm aware of to get to that place and not get bored or withdraw or go and seek some other numbing diversion or new piece of ass to reboot the franchise, is to commit to sex with a partner as ironclad practice. (see the Buddhist notion of the "Freedom of No Escape.")
What that means sounds distinctly unsexy, often the opposite of the poly-go-round -- something like ok we agree to practice -- OM, sex, dialogue, whatever -- every day whether we feel like it or not. Especially when we don't feel like it. And we're also going to agree to work with whatever comes up psychodynamically and not take it personally -- which means that rather than this being "your issue" or "my stuff" we treat it simply as "stuff" and we approach it with curiosity and commitment.
My translation:
"Don't be seeking new sex partners when there's shit to deal with and conflict resolution to be doing. Commit to no sex with anyone but the partner you are having shit with with. So that you WILL deal with the shit and return to right relationship with yourself rather than avoiding it and dinging your own spiritual health. Not through literally having sex with them, but by engaging with them daily in some fashion until the shit gets solved one way or another. Do your conflict resolution.
Don't waste time spinning the blame game wheel. Move it forward -- here's some shit that happened. How can the shit best be cleaned up? "
The author is asking the reader to commit to "There's no escape from the shit until the shit gets solved one way or another."
There's no other lover but this lover til the shit gets solved -- and since you likely are
not wanting sex share with this lover? And since you committed to not have any sex share with other or new lovers but this lover til this is solved? The result is that you REALLY want to get the shit solved and off your plate so you can finally get on with the rest of your life!
The shit could be solved by BREAKING UP with this lover.
So deal with the shit and stop avoiding.
That's why I think the author brought in the quote --
pg 13 The English tantric teacher Barry Long used to say "until you rather eat a shit sandwich than sleep with your partner, you are not ready to begin."
If you are an avoidy type personality... until even
eating a literal poop sandwich sounds better than continuing to drag this out and having to sleep next to the person you cannot stand anymore -- you are not ready to begin doing conflict resolution to clear the shit from your life. You will be tempted to keep avoiding doing your conflict resolution.
Sometimes I see avoidy dance that way in polyshipping.
"It's great that polyamory means you don't have to get all your needs met with one person... you are free to be with others!"
misused as
escapism from having to deal with the shit of a break up and deal with the fact that with THIS lover... things are over. Instead of facing it, the people let it drag on and on and "pad the distance" between themselves with dating other people. Not facing shit? That's bad for spiritual health.
"The Freedom of No Escape" is by Geoffrey Shugen Arnold. He said, "Zazen is to sit in the midst of the entire universe with every gate open. ... to see that there is no escape is the beginning of true liberation."
For polyshipping article? I think that means to know that while you do have (the option of having other partners in polyshipping) -- to see that there is no escape from dealing with (the shit between you and THIS lover) is the beginning of true freedom from (the shit between you and this lover.) When you can finally see and accept that you cannot avoid it no matter how much you try so you may as well just
solve it? THEN you starting on the path to finally being free of it.
The author is calling the reader to focus on the thing to hand. You (the reader) do not detach, run away, numb yourself from the pain, try to escape from dealing with the shit between you and this lover by flinging yourself into new relationships to "bandaid" feeling yucky about your problems with the NRE high.
The only way to actually (be free from the shit) is to (solve the shit) one way or another.
JaneQSmythe said:
Telling someone that they MUST fuck when they are filled with hate and fear?
I don't think the author is suggesting we
literally share sex with people we are angry with.
The author is asking the reader to be willing to pay the short term price of "feeling yucky while doing conflict resolution" so the reader can move on to long term better spiritual health. That is the "sacrifice" the author is calling the reader to make -- "stop avoiding feeling yucky. Go ahead -- be willing to feel yucky. Do the job in front of you even if it does feel yucky to do, even if it means breaking up with the person."
I call this "know when to hang up your hat. Accept." The thing will not fly here any more.
But I can see where it could be interpreted that way. This author enjoys speaking in koan style metaphors and analogies. Odyseuss (Greek) and Kundalini (Sanskrit) in the same metaphor -- sigh. I like reading koans -- but even for me that's getting too much.
Just drives up the word count while confusing readers.
Galagirl