Anticipation ... can be used.

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
I remember being a monogamist. It wasn't very long ago. I still remember what certain things felt like, and I'm learning new ways to use those feelings to my atvantage. One powerful feeling that I've come to know again lately, a feeling that I only really feel when I am me, and not just half of a couple, a feeling that I am now seeing I can use not only to improve the quality of my life, but also as a tool to entice, to enchant - what is that feeling?

Anticipation! When I was mono, I didn't really feel it. Being alone was like being in stasis. My routine would be robotic. I would handle my responsibilities (inadequately, more often than not), go to work, and seek stimulation through games and media, and my whole identity as one half would pause, unable to carry out its basic operation without the other half there. I didn't let myself feel anything real; it was too lonely without even myself for company. If I had let myself feel anything, it would be mixed with despondency, grief, self loathing, and sometimes suspicion. I couldn't feel the anticipation of waiting to see Ms Fisher again! It also didn't help that the time I did have with her was devoid of substance. Curiously, I would feel anticipation when we were with each other. I was constantly waiting for the next thing we would do together, whatever that was. It didn't matter to me - as long as it would make her happy, I was anxiously waiting for my opportunity to oblige. I was so ... clingy!

I feel a lot better about myself now! I'm out pursuing my own interests and forming new relationships with people, and there's not enough time in the day! I spend less time with Ms Fisher, but the time we have together is so much more substantive! We have new things to talk about, new frontiers that we're each exploring, and new - or at least, rekindled - feelings for each other! When we're apart now, and I think of her (which I'm not doing all the time now!), I get excited about the next time I see her. Not like a drowning man, desperately trying to reach the surface for air, but like a dry swimmer, anxiously anticipating my next chance to dive in the water!

I could leave it there. All wholesome and lovey-dovey, but I feel like using this to my atvantage in ... other ways. I already did, with Jessie, though I didn't really think about what I was doing at the time. I was pretty caught up in the moment! I strolled up, full of confidence and radiating positive vibes like the sun, told Jessie that I wanted to tell her about something amazing, and I got her attention! I made sure she knew to expect to see me again, and just walked away! The old me would have felt really pressured to stick around longer. I'm having a hard time explaining why; I've typed and erased several reasons trying. All I know is that it has something to do with my concern for her emotional security. I'm still trying to understand what I mean by that, so don't feel bad if that left you confused. My point is, from her perspective, I think I came across as ... intriguing! I think I might cross her mind once or twice this week. I think she might feel some if that anticipation that I'm feeling right now. I think I could learn to use this new power on purpose!

I wonder what I'll figure out next?
 

WaywardWillow

New member
Hi Adam! I just love the energy you bring here. I agree with you completely! Honestly what you described with Ms Fisher was my favorite part of being poly and married. It's a whole other world/language of communication/growth opportunity for you and your partner and I find it so fun! It obviously still comes with challenges, but when you overcome those and continue building your connection, what a beautiful relationship.

I still have that consistent feeling of anticipation when it comes to connecting and building relationships, but its definitely more low key as a solo poly person. Lol
 
Top