Any advice for a single guy

[wishfulthinking]

How does a single guy find a woman who would eventually want to find another woman for a triad? I really want a committed relationship, not looking for open. But, looking for a loving relationship between three people. I know this sounds like a huge ask. Being single makes it seem almost impossible to find this. Any ideas?

 

[Polymark]

Be completely honest and upfront about what your are looking for from the very beginning and you will screen out people who aren’t looking for the same thing.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello wishfulthinking,
Here are some links for finding women who are interested in poly:

• https://fetlife.com/
• https://bare.dating/
• https://en.lovoo.com/#/
• https://www.okcupid.com/
• https://www.kasidie.com/
• http://www.beyondtwo.com/
• https://www.lavalife.com/
• https://www.openminded.com/
• http://adultfriendfinder.com/
• http://www.polymatchmaker.com/
• Lists of local poly groups
• Dating & Friendships

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

It is hard to find just the right women for a MFF triad, but if you are patient, you can eventually get there. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

Any ideas?

Yes, avoid looking at people as puzzle pieces that you are attempting to get jammed into the spot you have pre-selected for them.

Instead, meet people and be honest about who you are and what you want. With any luck they will be honest about who they are and what they want, and you can then see where your overlap is. Build a relationship according to the people in it, not the other way around.

 

[Magdlyn]

Triads are very hard to create and maintain. Being with 2 women at once is the most common fantasy for men, but in reality, outside of a few casual sexual encounters, a fully equal triad where all 3 people are equally attracted to and long-term compatible are so rare as to be almost non-existent.

Much much more common is a V, where you would be the hinge, and 2 women would be the legs of the V. They may or may not be friends. They might not want to meet. It would be up to you to coordinate dates with each separately, or friendly get-togethers, if the women would enjoy that. You would need to keep things balanced and fair, keep both women satisfied emotionally and sexually. You would get to deal with 2 cases of PMS, two lovers with their life issues, job issues, families, maybe their kids, pets, their home repairs, etc., etc. Do you have it in you to deal with that? It's not all sex and giggles and candlelit dinners. Polyamory is real life. It's just way more complicated than monogamy.

Also, you would need to dig deeply into yourself and see how you would feel if one or both of your hypothetical lovers might want another lover (or more) for herself besides you. She may want to date other women, or.... men! It's not fair for you to decree a one penis policy.

 

[Polymark]

It's not fair for you to decree a one penis policy.

@wishfulthinking

if you want an opp consider BDSM as a strategy. In BDSM she will voluntarily abandon her rights and submit herself to your servitude. You will be in control.

 

[breathemusic]

@wishfulthinking

if you want an opp consider BDSM as a strategy. In BDSM she will voluntarily abandon her rights and submit herself to your servitude. You will be in control.

This response is a rather alarming simplification of the applications of BDSM and implies that if one uses BDSM, then the submissive has no rights and the Dom just has total control. Please be mindful of how you generalize advice *especially* when in relation to power dynamics. It's sooooo easy for abuse to be masked as kink, and it's extremely important that folks discovering their submissive sides not be taken advantage of by being told that because they're a sub "they just have to do what their Dom wants" or for some new Dom being taught "well, just be a Dom and then you can do whatever you want to your sub."

I realize that may not have been your intent, but word choice matters. Power dynamics are something that take incredible care and caution. Nuance can make or break it, and telling someone that BDSM is a "strategy" for instituting an OPP and that subs abandon their rights is really poor advice, but also extremely incorrect.

 

[Polymark]

Respectfully, I think if a man wants an opp it’s the least judgemental way to go about it from what I have observed.

Doesn’t everyone have a mating strategy to get what they want? We’re talking about servitude here, I don’t see how one Dom’s motivations are any more incorrect from another as long as everyone is a consenting adult.

The OP wants a closed triad. An OPP. I’m trying to help them figure out how to get what they want... He is not decreeing or oppressing or changing the terms of anything. He has the opportunity to define terms upfront.

There’s nothing wrong with an agreement among consenting adults, even a one penis policy. I don’t want to OP to think what he wants is intrinsically *wrong. Dating submissive could just be one of the ways to get there. OP should just be upfront with people from the onset.

 

[breathemusic]

If someone wants to date women who only want to date other women, they're absolutely allowed to want that. I'm not a fan, but everyone can want what they want and should be up front about their boundaries. But wanting to have an OPP and being a Dom are not the same thing. If your only motivation for being a Dom is "I want to keep my partner from having other penises" then you're going to be a terrible Dom. But also, Subs are allowed to have wants and needs, they can have limits and things they they won't allow their Dom to control.

I'm not saying that there aren't Doms out there who have dynamics with their subs where they get to control who their subs date and sleep with. That exists. But that's one small part of the many responsibilities that Dom has in taking care of their sub and being responsible for their sub. And the couple NEGOTIATED that dynamic in advance.

My concern is in just blanket telling someone who has expressed an interest in a triad a blanket comment about "want an OPP? try BDSM!" That's like telling someone who talks about enjoying pasta that they should go to Culinary school. One very specific want, does not a Dom make. On top of that, the OP hasn't even expressly said that they want a OPP in the sense that the reasoning behind wanting to date a woman who dates other women might not even be specifically about being anti second penis in the dynamic. OP's motivation could have just been "I'm straight, and I'm interested in dating 2 people, but having to keep the dynamics separate doesn't interest me so I'm really only interested in a dynamic where we're all into each other. But I also don't want a totally open relationship because of my own personal safer sex risk tolerances." Ergo, FMF triad. It would fundamentally result in the thing that we all call a OPP.... but it wouldn't be because OP just couldn't stand the idea of his partner engaging with another penis other than his own.

And wanting that type of dynamic certainly doesn't require a BDSM dynamic. In fact, adding that requirement to the mix would actually just further limit the dating pool because it would add yet another filter to the list of boxes that have to be checked.

 

[HaloOnFire]

My concern is in just blanket telling someone who has expressed an interest in a triad a blanket comment about "want an OPP? try BDSM!" That's like telling someone who talks about enjoying pasta that they should go to Culinary school. One very specific want, does not a Dom make. On top of that, the OP hasn't even expressly said that they want a OPP in the sense that the reasoning behind wanting to date a woman who dates other women might not even be specifically about being anti second penis in the dynamic. OP's motivation could have just been "I'm straight, and I'm interested in dating 2 people, but having to keep the dynamics separate doesn't interest me so I'm really only interested in a dynamic where we're all into each other. But I also don't want a totally open relationship because of my own personal safer sex risk tolerances." Ergo, FMF triad. It would fundamentally result in the thing that we all call a OPP.... but it wouldn't be because OP just couldn't stand the idea of his partner engaging with another penis other than his own.

Context is quite literally everything in this, isn't it?

 

[icesong]

Glad you're back @breathemusic, hadn't seen you here in a while! (And no point in trying to engage Polymark, he has left the building and will not be returning.)

 

[Magdlyn]

(And no point in trying to engage Polymark, he has left the building and will not be returning.)

*happy dance*

 

[PolAmy]

It's not fair for you to decree a one penis policy.

I'm not saying that there aren't Doms out there who have dynamics with their subs where they get to control who their subs date and sleep with. That exists. But that's one small part of the many responsibilities that Dom has in taking care of their sub and being responsible for their sub. And the couple NEGOTIATED that dynamic in advance.

If negotiated in advance can an OPP be ethical outside of BDSM? Out of curiosity, what makes a BDSM OPP different, i.e. more ethical than an OPP outside of the BDSM umbrella?

 

[Inaniel]

You would get to deal with 2 cases of PMS, two lovers with their life issues, job issues, families, maybe their kids, pets, their home repairs, etc., etc. Do you have it in you to deal with that? It's not all sex and giggles and candlelit dinners. Polyamory is real life. It's just way more complicated than monogamy.

Simultaneously if you cohabitate...

 

[Evie]

Simultaneously if you cohabitate...

I saw something a little while ago debunking the syncing up thing.

Also, if on the pill, can totally choose when, if ever, to have a period

 

[Inaniel]

Really!?

Thats’s wild because I could swear I witnessed my partners sync up! They definitely start their periods within a few days of each other.

 

[Magdlyn]

I saw something a little while ago debunking the syncing up thing.

Also, if on the pill, can totally choose when, if ever, to have a period

I'd like to see the research, because as far as I know, in roommate situations, this does happen.

 

[Magdlyn]

If negotiated in advance can an OPP be ethical outside of BDSM? Out of curiosity, what makes a BDSM OPP different, i.e. more ethical than an OPP outside of the BDSM umbrella?

Ignore Polymark's BDSM bs; he's been banned.

Of course, if there is a MF couple, and the woman decides she definitely just wants other partners who are female, it is ethical. It's just not ethical if the guy is insecure about "his" woman dating other men, because he'd feel "lesser than," too competitive with the hypothetical other guy, who might have a bigger dick, better job, better car. Or maybe he just can't get over the idea of someone else's dick in "his" woman's vagina. It's generally thought of as a sexist problem.

 

[PinkPig]

OPP can also be problematic if the rationale behind them is that the same sex relationships are less threatening because they aren't "real" relationships. Sadly, there really are people who believe this. I've encountered a few.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, and that's funny, to call it not real because a woman doesn't have a penis. Women can have penises, and they're always hard and ready to go. Some even vibrate!

Of course, they can't make another woman pregnant, which is the crux of the matter.