Any advice for scheduling time when living with two partners?

[Beepsqueak]

Hello, I’m new to this forum and am looking for some advice (sorry if this has been asked before but I haven’t found much information on this topic).

I’m the hinge in a relationship with two partners: spouse of 10 years and partner of 6 months. We were all friends for two years before moving in three months ago. We live together in one house with my child, where we all have our own room. We are also all new to polyamory.

I’m curious how others have made this situation work? Right now I’m switching off sleeping partners every night, with an hour of intentional time with the other partner first, after I put my child to sleep. This works well on weekdays, but weekends have been hard for me. I have a problem knowing “where I should be” or trying to make things “fair” with time that I run myself ragged and am anxious all the time.

We have a shared calendar that we all add things to, but both of my partners get antsy or disrupted when it changes. For example, spouse will schedule time to be out of the house to visit parents. Spouse’s parents are sick, so the visit no longer happens. Other partner is upset that this time is no longer “just us”, despite spouse saying we can still spend the time together—they would just be home. This leaves me feeling like no time is actually my time and that I’m living on someone else’s schedule. It also makes me worried that maybe my partners can’t live comfortably in the same house despite being friends.

I know this is something I need to work on in myself, or things we need to work on together, but I’m hoping hearing examples from other people and what works for them will make it all seem more doable. We’ve all been reading books and going to individual therapy and it’s definitely easier than when it first started, but I feel like there must be a better way.

Thank you!

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome to the board. Please check out the section on the menu called Golden Nuggets. Look under "Master Threads."

https://polyamory.com/threads/master-thread-links-to-other-threads-worth-reading.1830/

There are a LOT of good merged threads there on all the common topics. Here's one on cohabitation, for example!

https://polyamory.com/threads/multi-partner-co-habitation.2349/

 

[ref2018]

We have a shared calendar that we all add things to, but both of my partners get antsy or disrupted when it changes. For example, spouse will schedule time to be out of the house to visit parents. Spouse’s parents are sick, so the visit no longer happens. Other partner is upset that this time is no longer “just us”, despite spouse saying we can still spend the time together—they would just be home.

I mean yeah, if this is real life and they're in it for the long haul, everyone is going to have to get used to adulting.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Beepsqueak,

I am in an MFM V, a female (the hinge), and two males (the legs of the V). She has always been very conscientious about how she divides her time between the two guys, but has never had an exact system for dividing it equally. We do have a group calendar, we can all view it and add to it, but she does the adding for the most part. Also we have been together (as a V) for a long time (since 2006), so we've all had plenty of time to build up a level of comfort about how we do things. There's very little insecurity these days about which guy is getting what. And of course we can always talk about it, if any concerns about it do arise.

We've always identified as co-primary partners in this composite relationship, however our early years were rougher, and there were times when I (the "third") felt insecure, even jealous, about the time the other male (the legally-lawfully-wedded husband) was getting. This really had less to do with the numerical amount of time he was getting, honestly I felt better if I could just express my needs and be heard. But even there, a lot of time has passed, and I never feel neglected anymore, I've grown very comfortable and secure, as have, I believe, both of my V companions.

We don't have any kids; both of the men have had vasectomies. We have settled into a pattern where we share a home, and I have my own bedroom (with an attached bath) and a small (single/twin) bed where I sleep by myself, with our cat. The other two humans share a second bedroom with a large bed. Our two dogs sleep with them. There was a time when our hinge alternated between bedrooms and beds, but all three of us are pretty comfortable with the way we do things now. I am "the introvert" and like to be alone (with the cat) most of the time. So I don't know if what we have is equal, but it is fair.

It does help me if there is a fixed schedule, that seldom changes, and if it does change I know our hinge will give me notice as soon as possible. So that shared calendar is an important part of what works for us, even if it's not a tool for giving each of the two guys exactly the same portion of our hinge's time. I do think it's important for the hinge to have some me-time, away from both of her partners, but our hinge doesn't take much me-time as far as I can tell. Everyone is different, and what works for (each person in) one V, isn't always what works for another V. I should add that for a few years, I didn't live with my companions, I had a small condo of my own. But the need for that eventually dissolved.

Anyway that's how we get along,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

spouse will schedule time to be out of the house to visit parents. Spouse’s parents are sick, so the visit no longer happens.

It sounds like you plan your time around what others are doing. I wouldn't do that. I would schedule intentional time with each partner. They then can plan their free time (with parents or without) outside of the scheduled time.

Weekends have been hard for me. I have a problem knowing “where I should be” or trying to make things “fair” with time. I run myself ragged and am anxious all the time.

How about every other weekend? Or Saturday with one, Sunday with the other?

Other partner is upset that this time is no longer “just us”, despite spouse saying we can still spend the time together—they would just be home.

Then make it just you. Spend the time in a bedroom with locked door or go out to a park. You all live together and you cannot prevent anyone from being in their home, so y'all need to figure out how to have quality one-on-one time. This basic thing should have been figured out before moving in together. Other partner has some feelings to work on regarding this.

This leaves me feeling like no time is actually my time and that I’m living on someone else’s schedule.

You need to schedule "me" time and have strong boundaries about it.

It also makes me worried that maybe my partners can’t live comfortably in the same house, despite being friends.

Maybe one of them is having trouble. Try communicating with them better about this and see if there's a solution.

 

[Magdlyn]

I’m the hinge in a relationship with two partners: spouse of 10 years and partner of 6 months. We were all friends for two years before moving in three months ago. We live together in one house with my child, where we all have our own room. We are also all new to polyamory.

I would caution against moving in with a new partner before one year is up, if not two. Despite being friends for two years, he is still new to you as a dating partner. You're in "NRE" (new relationship energy) and one can do stupid things when one is infatuated.

I’m switching off sleeping partners every night, with an hour of intentional time with the other partner first, after I put my child to sleep. This works well on weekdays,

That's a lot of interaction after a day of work. Meal and bedtime routines with kid, "intentional" quality time with Partner A (maybe including sex?), and then going to bed with Partner B (maybe having yet more sex?). When my kids were young, I'd get touched out just from them and not want to have sex with one husband, much less two, more than a couple times a month.

but weekends have been hard for me. I have a problem knowing “where I should be” or trying to make things “fair” with time that I run myself ragged and am anxious all the time.

Yes, I'd say you're trying to be Supermom and Superpartner, and you're not getting enough "me time." You could cut back on the "intentional time" with Partner A, when it's the night you're going to sleep with Partner B. Let Partner A have his "me time" on the night off.

One night a week, spend in your own bedroom, doing your hobbies, taking a bath, sleeping all spread out luxuriously on the bed, etc.

Plan weekends so that you have a bit of me-time too, if necessary. Don't let the guys expect too much from their hinge (you). You're only human. When I had three young children, I used to wish I could split myself in three sometimes (or four, so I could've been more of a sex kitten for my husband), but that's just not reality!

We have a shared calendar that we all add things to, but both of my partners get antsy or disrupted when it changes. For example, spouse will schedule time to be out of the house to visit parents. Spouse’s parents are sick, so the visit no longer happens. Other partner is upset that this time is no longer “just us”, despite spouse saying we can still spend the time together—they would just be home. This leaves me feeling like no time is actually my time and that I’m living on someone else’s schedule. It also makes me worried that maybe my partners can’t live comfortably in the same house despite being friends.

We’ve all been reading books and going to individual therapy.

 

[Beepsqueak]

Thank you all for this advice! I truly appreciate it and with take what you said to heart. I’ll also be reading the whole mega thread, so thanks for the link!
I think I need to have firmer boundaries and time to myself to help things run smoother. I’ve been so busy worrying about my partners and trying to make sure they’re okay that I haven’t been checking if I’m okay. I have to be in charge of my own feelings and well-being and let them be in charge of theirs.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It sounds like you're trying to give both partners an experience where they are in a traditional nesting monogamous relationship but the reality is that you can't because that isn't what you have.

That might be a problem if one or both feels like they were sold a reality that is unsustainable. That happens though.

 

[Inaniel]

I’m in an FMF V, and I’m the hinge. I think a turning point in our dynamic occurred when my partners began communicating directly with each other, instead of through me. They also made commitments to each other about caring for one another and looking out for each other's feelings, etc.

When we moved in together, we made sure that everyone had their own bedroom. My two partners have master suites on different levels of the house, while I have a regular bedroom. Three adults, three beds – I think that’s very important.

We keep a shared calendar, but it mostly tracks basic life events like when someone is out of town or has plans for the weekend, planning around who is watching the dependent, and arranging transportation for activities, school, etc. We also have a large whiteboard on the wall for notes, lists, and messages. These usually consist of grocery lists, dinner ideas, and the kids' math homework.

Over time, we’ve drifted away from scheduling alone time. I think this happens when NRE fades, or simply by being mindful of how we divide our attention and show appreciation to each partner. I mostly do this by picking up any slack.

For example, if it’s Bird's turn to wash the dishes and she won’t get to it, I know it will frustrate Daisy, so she ends up doing the dishes herself. To avoid that, I’ll make sure the dishes are washed before Daisy finishes work. Little things like that make everyone feel good.

As time has passed, the drama surrounding alone time has faded. It helps that two of us work from home, and the other works part-time, so there’s plenty of time to go around. When we do activities outside the house, we often do them together as a family. What’s hardest on the relationship is when two people travel and leave the third alone with childcare. I've not really found a way to make that perfect, its just plain harder for the person left at home if two people are away. Both of my partners are very outgoing, so it’s easy for them to feel envious when one of us gets to travel. In fact, I’m an introvert, so it’s usually best for me to stay home with the kid and just lounge around, watching movies. Which leads me to "me" time. I am a father and I have two partners, I don't have "me" time. If I do, it's around the house... If I wanted to spend a lot of time away from the house, I do think my partners would try their best to support me.. But I am an introvert so it has not really been an big issue, aside from a few instances.

I think it’s worth the effort. If you can figure out cohabitation with three incomes, sometimes it feels like living life with a cheat code. All of life’s challenges seem a bit easier: more money in the bank, more help with chores and home upkeep, more coverage for dependent care and activities, more time for sex. I did parallel for years and hated partitioning my life, I have never been happier. Good luck to you.

 

[MeeraReed]

I think your "couple time" with each partner shouldn't be dependent on the metamour being out of the house.

If I was planning to be out for the the day but my plans fell through, and then my metamour was annoyed that I would be home instead, I would be pretty uncomfortable and frustrated. I would feel like I wasn't welcome in my own home or that my disrupted plans had inconvenienced everyone. It would be a really annoying way to live.

If your new partner wants some one-on-one time with you without your spouse around, take the new partner on an outing for the day.

If it's in your budget, consider an occasional night in a hotel with each partner. (But obviously, this might not work well with a kid and the burden of kid care on the partner left home alone.)

I guess it would be depend on why your new partner wants "just us" time with your spouse out of the house. To have loud sex with you? Or because they are introverted and want to chill with no one else around? If the former, go to a hotel every so often. If the latter, they might not be happy with shared poly living.

I think it might be unrealistic of your new partner to expect that "just us" time will happen frequently in a shared poly household.

I don't think it's a good idea to move in with someone who you've been dating only 3 months, even if you've all been friends for 2 years. Especially because you're all new to poly, but also because 3 to 6 months is still very early in the dating stage, when you would crave a lot of one-on-one time with a new partner for sex and pillow talk and showering together and all the things new partners do. How is that very normal stage of dating going to occur in a shared house with a spouse and child?

It's a good start that you all have your own rooms. Even so, if it turns out that your two partners can't live together...so what? Doesn't mean you'd have to break up. Just figure out a new living arrangement. Maybe if you're still together in 5 years, you could all live in one household again, when both your new relationship and your child are at different stages. (Scheduling anything, for all parents, gets a lot easier once the kids can go to bed on their own).

In the short term, I think you're running yourself ragged having that hour of "intentional time" with one partner before going to bed with the other, and then having no time to yourself on weekends either. Maybe schedule specific date nights with each partner (no more than one night each per partner?), whether in the house or out of the house, and schedule specific alone time for yourself.

 

[MeeraReed]

Another thought:

An introvert in a poly living situation might be a lot happier with their own apartment/suite within/attached to the larger house. There are many V relationships where one partner lives in a guest apartment/mother-in-law apartment.

That way they have their own private space, not just a bedroom, but a private kitchen and bathroom and a sitting room where they can watch TV without the metamour coming in. (For me, an extreme introvert, that would be absolutely the minimum required for me to live in a shared poly household, no matter how well I got along with my metamour).

I'd guess your current house doesn't have that kind of setup though.

 

[Magdlyn]

An introvert in a poly living situation might be a lot happier with their own apartment/suite within/attached to the larger house. There are many V relationships where one partner lives in a guest apartment/mother-in-law apartment.

That way they have their own private space, not just a bedroom, but a private kitchen and bathroom and a sitting room where they can watch TV without the metamour coming in. (For me, an extreme introvert, that would be absolutely the minimum required for me to live in a shared poly household, no matter how well I got along with my metamour).

I'd guess your current house doesn't have that kind of setup though.

In a related real-life situation: my gf Pixi's bf Malachi has his own big house. He's 40ish, never been married, no kids. He's got a good career and can afford a home with 3 bedrooms, 3 baths, living room, kitchen, family room, dining room, and an office, with a basement woodworking shop. It's gorgeous. Anyway, he's an introvert and likes this much space around him, even when he's alone. When Pixi visits for their long weekends, there's still plenty of space for him. And he's got room for visiting relatives to stay now and then.

As the hinge, Pixi would *love* to live with both me and Malachi. But we would never, because of his introversion, and my own feelings about walking around in a house with this... guy... with whom I am not in a relationship, also living there. I just wouldn't feel comfortable. We do garden party style poly.

If Pixi wanted me to be in the same space as Malachi, I would need that MIL apartment, but it would be even better if I just had my own house in their cul de sac. (Not that I can afford his neighborhood. lol) And now that I've been with Aries for three years as well, what would we do, all live together in one big house? I don't think so! I don't even want to move Aries into my own house where Pixi lives half the time. So he has remained in his former living space with various members of his family since we met, and just stays at my house when Pixi is at Malachi's.

Aries is extremely extroverted, and in his perfect world, he and I would live together 24/7, and maybe even be married, while he continued to date other people, or have platonic friends or his brothers over visiting all the time. That wouldn't work for me and Pixi.

But, no one member of a poly network is going to get their ideal situation. No two metamours should struggle to live together just because the hinge likes having them both around all the time.

 

[Beepsqueak]

I think your "couple time" with each partner shouldn't be dependent on the metamour being out of the house.

It usually isn’t. It’s just situations like someone “supposed” to be gone that really shakes my partner up for some reason, for which I’m still trying to understand.

I think it might be unrealistic of your new partner to expect that "just us" time will happen frequently in a shared poly household.

This is something I worry about. Sometimes it’s my spouse feeling nostalgic and wanting things to be “how they were” for a bit, and sometimes it’s my new partner wanting to feel more free to be us without spouse or child around. I understand these desires and make sure to book hotels when doable for more special time. But for the most part, our intentional time at night is enough, due to the layout of our house. There’s no worry for anyone hearing anything they don’t want to.

It’s just those special circumstances where plans change that get emotions whipped up from both parties.

I don't think it's a good idea to move in with someone who you've been dating only 3 months, even if you've all been friends for 2 years.

I would agree with this. The problem is we had planned on moving in together as friends for a while before the relationship happened. Work/school/home situations were not ideal for anyone and moving in together had long been the plan. Once I started dating my partner, I wanted to wait on moving in case it didn’t work out. However, both my partner and my spouse insisted this was the best way. We’d save money and they’d both have more time with me since there wouldn’t be and travel time. The house we’d been looking at was in the perfect spot for all our needs and the circumstance was too good to pass up. If the situation were not so ideal, I would have pushed harder to wait and see how things go before all of us moved in together.

3 to 6 months is still very early in the dating stage, when you would crave a lot of one-on-one time with a new partner for sex and pillow talk and showering together and all the things new partners do. How is that very normal stage of dating going to occur in a shared house with a spouse and child?

This has actually been going really well, due to the layout of our house! There’s no worry for anyone hearing anything they don’t want to. My room has a shower attached to it as well, fortunately, so there is plenty of privacy.

It's a good start that you all have your own rooms. Even so, if it turns out that your two partners can't live together...so what? Doesn't mean you'd have to break up. Just figure out a new living arrangement. Maybe if you're still together in 5 years, you could all live in one household again, when both your new relationship and your child are at different stages.

This is all true. Thank you for the perspective!

In the short term, I think you're running yourself ragged having that hour of "intentional time" with one partner before going to bed with the other, and then having no time to yourself on weekends either.

I’ve thought this as well. I wanted to give my partners a sense of stability when we first moved in and that was what we came up with. Now that they’re not feeling so desperate for my time and are more secure, I’m going to talk to them about having a night to myself and some hours on the weekend where I can do whatever I want by myself. I think this will also help their relationship because they haven’t done many things together since we moved in, despite them doing things together all the time before. Their energy shifted to “I will take every second I can get with you” in a way that was unexpected to me. I’d thought we’d hang out more as friends like we used to, but it quickly turned into “spouses turn” and “partner’s turn."

But like I said, they are both feeling more secure now and it’s starting to feel more easy and comfortable.

Thank you for your considerate response!

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like things really changed in the vibe with each partner when bf moved in. All of a sudden they stopped doing bro stuff like they good friends they used to be. All of a sudden they were anxious. All of a sudden they were BOTH "desperate" to get every SECOND they could with you, like a traumatized toddler with separation anxiety. What's going on there?! Why were they so upset? Were they secretly, or not so secretly jealous, or envious of each other, afraid you'd prefer one over the other, wanting to outperform each other sexually?

No wonder you got burnt out. That transition sounds pretty stressful. "My turn!" "Now my turn!" and you're running back and forth between them (and the kid), trying to soothe everyone, or prove your love, or admire their charms and skills, or something.

 

[MeeraReed]

The problem is we had planned on moving in together as friends for a while before the relationship happened. Work/school/home situations were not ideal for anyone and moving in together had long been the plan. Once I started dating my partner, I wanted to wait on moving in case it didn’t work out. However, both my partner and my spouse insisted this was the best way. We’d save money and they’d both have more time with me since there wouldn’t be and travel time. The house we’d been looking at was in the perfect spot for all our needs and the circumstance was too good to pass up. If the situation were not so ideal, I would have pushed harder to wait and see how things go before all of us moved in together.

Interesting! You'd all been planning to live together before the new relationship happened. I didn't expect that to be the backstory, honestly. Thank you for clarifying!

The way you describe your house sounds like the layout has plenty of space and privacy for everyone.

Honestly, the further information you've provided makes me think your two partners will be fine with this living arrangement in the long run and they are just going through an adjustment period. I think with time they will both chill out about needing so much time with you.

You are the one who might get tired of the living arrangement if you have to schedule your time so carefully and have no time to yourself! If you schedule yourself some alone time and an alone night, I think that will help a lot.

It may also help your two partners get used to the idea that when you aren't with one of them every second, it's NOT because you're with the other one, and there is no competition for your time.

 

[MeeraReed]

Also, it sounds like your two partners should make an effort to schedule "bro time" with each other, the way they used to as friends.

 

[icesong]

usually isn’t. It’s just situations like someone “supposed” to be gone that really shakes my partner up for some reason, for which I’m still trying to understand.

As someone who definitely felt this way when my meta (who lived with us from summer 2019 ‘til last month) changed her plans… once you have a meta living with you, time with your partner in your home without their presence (even presence on another floor / not interacting) _is_ psychologically different somehow. And yeah, it’s usually fine for meta to be around… but if I thought she wasn’t going to, I’d look forward to that different vibe and be disappoint if she was there after all.