anybody out there? Help! stuffs going haywire!

Valleydoll

New member
ew Member

Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 4
Default anybody out there? Help! stuffs going haywire!
My bf became part of my life because my husband liked me to have sex with other men, which I did, and I fell in love. Before it was apparent I had feelings for my bf my sexual relationship with my husband was fun, sexy etc. Even though I was having sex with random men and physically it was okay, it wasn't something I've ever wanted or suggested, I'm more a 'loving' sensual kind of person.
When I/we realised (quite quickly) that I had a connection with my bf, my husband started to become quite crude (I won't go into details but 'reclaiming etc was part of it) in his attitude to our marital physical relationship. This did nothing for me and it's been a couple of weeks since we were intimate (I've not been intimate with my bf either as he's away). My husband says I'm neglecting him because I havent had sex with him (I work 30+ hrs a week, look after the kids, cook, wash clothes, not fantastic at cleaning I'll admit) and now doesn't want to be with me. He's never asked me to give up my bf but just refers to it being my choice which feels like choosing to carry on being with him is not the right thing. Been trying to work out the whole respecting all parties involved etc but some insight, debate or downright telling off would be appreciated to help me see things more clearly. Thank you for reading if you've got this far xx
 

Achimwis

New member
Greetings Valleydoll,

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so hot. These sorts of things can be a real bugger.

So, to be clear, your husband has not specifically asked you to break it off with your bf but he also does not want to be with you anymore. Is this independent as to whether or not you carry on with the bf?

At the very least, since he says "it's your choice," you might want to get that out on the table in terms of what exactly he means when he is saying that. Is he saying that your choice to stay with your bf is hurting your relationship, for example? At least from my own, albeit very limited, perspective, that might be a first step in resolving the issue.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you struggle.

I'm not sure what to tell you.

Your husbands' attitudes would bother me. So much so that I wouldn't be sure I want to stay in there with him. I want better treatment than this in my relationships. And some if it sounds.... creepy. There isn't a nicer way to put that. :(

My bf became part of my life because my husband liked me to have sex with other men

Even though I was having sex with random men and physically it was okay, it wasn't something I've ever wanted or suggested


I'm not sure why you would agree to do stuff you don't really want to be doing. Were you pressured into this? :(

Now that it is no longer about (your husband getting his jollies because you fuck other men how he wants you to) but (you have feelings for the BF/having thoughts of your own/you are your own person and not your husband's robot? Sounds like he has decided to "punish" you to try to regain control over you.

my husband started to become quite crude (I won't go into details but 'reclaiming etc was part of it) in his attitude to our marital physical relationship.

That sounds like rough sex you don't want or rape-y sex you don't want. :(

My husband says I'm neglecting him because I havent had sex with him


First, nobody is ENTITLED to use your body or entitled to sex share with you. YOU are in charge of your body and who you choose to share it with. If they also want to share their body with you, then you both can have a sex shared experience. It's isn't like you marry someone and then you have signed up to be their sex dispensing machine.

You sounds like you have a lot on your plate with work, home, kids, and so on. If he's wanting to share sex, it doesn't sound like he helps clear some of that work off the schedule to help create time for sex share to happen in. At the end of the day after doing all these other work/chores you are expected to keep ON working and dispense some sex just because he wants some? Him complaining that he is being "neglected" sounds like he thinks you "owe" him sexual gratification on demand whether or not you are tired from other stuff. That's not right. What kind of business is that? :confused:

Especially if there was rough sex/rape-sex you did not want foisted upon you earlier. How is THAT supposed to be a turn on fro sex later?

now doesn't want to be with me. He's never asked me to give up my bf but just refers to it being my choice which feels like choosing to carry on being with him is not the right thing.

Next he pushes you away/emotionally distances himself, while at the same time blaming you for HIS choice of doing that pushing/distancing.

Basically he's gone from aggressive physical manipulation, to head games/mental manipulation, to passive aggressive emotional manipulation.

How is any of this loving, healthy, or respectful behavior toward you? :(

Been trying to work out the whole respecting all parties involved etc

I'm not sure how that's going to work here if it isn't a shared vision. Right now it does not sound like your husband is interested in treating you well or respectfully. So I don't see how all parties are going to wind up feeling respected.

I am concerned for your well being. You deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl
 
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Shaya

New member
Hi

Does your husband acknowledge or recognise that he's acting in a jealous manner? There was an article I read that discussed using jealousy healthily in monogamy to bring couples closer together, then in swinging or kink or with a cuckold fetishism to fuel lovemaking in the original couple, then more generally with jealousy, monogamy and polyamory. Not sure if it will be useful unless your hubby is into philosophical reflection of himself and his own actions.

Good luck. Hang in there
Shaya.
 

JK40

New member
I think galagirl has given some great advice there.

Nobody should make you feel pressured into doing anything you do not want to, sex or otherwise.
Are you saying your hubby has said he wants to leave you?
If that is so then I am really sorry to hear that, it is an extremely difficult situation to fond yourself in and I know the turmoil ot creates. (Currently going through my second divorçe)

You jave to give serious consideration to wether you want to stay in this relationship with hubby, as you know, it is never easy to part ways with someone but believe me when I say it makes you feel amazingly strong when you do have the courage to end a bad relationship. I ended my marriage december, my wife was so controlling i had no life. I felt i had no identity even. As soon as I told her I wanted a divorce I felt sort of empowered.

If you drcide to stay with hubby (assuming he stays) then there is a lot you need to resolve with him.

It does sound to me like he was happy when he was in control of you and your sex life, and now that you have a bond with someone he has no control over he doesn't like it one bit. I also feel him saying it's your decision is his way of putting pressure on you to leave your bf. If you stay with bf and hubby leaves he will, by the sounds of it, then throw it in your face and use it to further hurt you by saying you effectively chose to end your marriage.

Sorry you are in this situation
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Valleydoll,

It sounds like your husband has a problem with the fact that you developed feelings for your boyfriend. He (your husband) is acting out in various ways.

I assume you're venting, and that your husband has many good traits, and that you do not want to leave him. In that case, do you think it would be possible to sit down with him and discuss his behavior? Have you tried that already? If so, what did he say?

You are in a tight spot and I do sympathize.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

anamikanon

New member
Your husband doesn't want to be with you. It is good news because you aren't sounding like you want to be with him either.

From your description, you sound like you are in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship. If there is any part for which this relationship should continue, it is unclear from your post.

I don't see where the problem is. A relationship that should not be is ending. Good riddance I say.
 

Valleydoll

New member
Thank you everyone for your responses. Yes, Kevin T, I was venting definitely. His needs within a sexual relationship are different to mine and I have tried to accommodate that but it did come as a bit of a shock when he told me to go and that he didn't want me. I've felt inadequate sexually with him for a long time and I think developing feelings for my bf made me see who I am through the fog a little. He has had fewer sexual encounters than me (we met quite young and I am a couple of years older than him) and has always had a healthy interest in porn and different sexual set ups and the language of it etc which doesn't do it for me to the same extent. I am a jealous person (not attractive I know) but he didn't want to experiment with other women because his main fetish was sharing me with other men. Since I've been exclusive with my bf its not so much fun anymore (hence my original post) Anyway, to get to the point, sorry for rambling, he is now in touch with a woman from a swinging type site. They've not met for sex yet (though this is imminent, he did meet her for coffee 4 months ago but didn't take it anywhere) but they're messaging a lot and having phone sex etc. She is very explicit, sends lots of rude pictures which I know is the type of thing he really gets off on but I'm struggling. I feel even more inadequate and he is trying to tell me that he loves me etc but after everything I'm struggling. I know its really unfair of me to feel this way so I was hoping you lovely people could give me some support. Thank you for reading DX
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm still not seeing where you and husband are compatible together. You seem to want different things from life/relationships/sexual encounters. I'm not sure what to support here.

What is your desired outcome in all this? :confused:

To stop struggling? If so, I support that. I think you could accept that you guys are not a match and let it go. Then you don't have to feel indequate or keep trying to square peg round hole.

Galagirl
 
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Valleydoll

New member
Thank you, Gala Girl, for your honesty. Guidance or opinion is probably a better phrase to use rather than support. Sex is mainly where we fall down. It was more of a rant in the original post about housework etc, I am no Domestic Goddess! We laugh, share interests, have two gorgeous children and maybe this outlet is what he needs with someone consenting who is just as kinky :) (she has many partners, has a Dom, loves sending naughty pics etc) but me accepting it is the problem and I know I will feel the same way if my bf wanted to open up
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I know its really unfair of me to feel this way ...

This is where many of us get twisted in knots - feeling guilty for our feelings. Feelings are never fair or unfair, they are vital indictors for us to pay attention to. Telling yourself that you shouldn't feel (insert whatever feeling) is guilt, plain and simple - and guilt always signals that you're fighting with yourself about the way you feel, not listening to how you feel, not respecting how you feel. First and foremost in life, pay attention to your feelings and respect them for the amazing and perfect communication system that they are. Our feelings are our emotional GPS that guides us through life and it's only when we ignore them that we run off the road (and usually blame some other person or "bad situation" for driving us to it.) The Staple Singers were right: Respect Yourself.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Valleydoll,

It sounds like you and your husband have contrasting ideas about what you want out of sex, and what sex means to you. You want to be accepting of your husband's point of view, but you seem to be unable to accept. Is this true? Is there something you or your husband could do to make you feel differently? What would it take? I don't mean to push, it's just something to think about.

Just wondering, is your husband currently accepting of you relationship with your boyfriend? It seems like before your husband was giving you a bad time about it. I was wondering whether the two of you had worked that out.

Hope things can improve for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Ok, if you are seeking guidance...

I think you could just feel what you feel and stop evaluating as "fair to feel" or "not fair to feel." Don't add "double load" to it. Just be ok with feeling whatever it is right now. Keep it single load. Why ADD to your own stress? Rather than try to TAKE AWAY? :confused:

When ready, could move on to problem solving: He wants to change the relationship model. Do you want to be in a relationship network with him where he kinks on the side and has a a lady domme in his network?

Basically you are....

  • willing and able <-- you are struggling, so I grey this one out.
  • willing, but not able (which suggests figuring out what you need to become able)
  • able, but not willing (which suggest figuring out what you need to become willing)
  • not willing, not able (which suggests accepting this is not your cup of tea and not going there)


Which toggle are on you at this point in time? And what toggle do you want to be at in future? :confused:

If you just plain are not up for it, you are just plain not up for it. Rather than feel bad about that or bend yourselves into pretzels over it? You could accept you are not up for it.

Solving the problem might mean you bowing out of his network so he is free TO kink, and you are free FROM anything kink.

Galagirl
 
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Valleydoll

New member
Re-reading the comments here I do need to thank Kevin T for recognising a vent. It was prompted by a struggle within sexual preference. My husband is loving, kind and supportive of me and my relationship and I love him dearly. We'll just see how things go eh?

Thank you for your time everyone
 

Valleydoll

New member
Oh! Only after posting this has some of the more recent comments appeared. Some very sound ideas for me to explore for myself, thanks again everyone xx
 
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