Are Polys really that much more Happy?


New member

i've read a lot about polyamory.
It seems that everything i read ist about how good polyamory is:
.) It solves Problems
.) It makes you happier
.) It makes you more fulfilled
.) It is easier to raise children
.) You enounter a lot more positive and good People
.) It Doubles, dribbles your sexlife about 5000%
.) You do not have as much heartache as in conventional relationships
And the list goes on and on.....

Most everything i read about "Stones" that could lay in that way of Life ist about "Yes there are some Problems, but only for People that are not aware of them and that aren't real Problems at all, you can very easily counter them"

Ist that the reallity?

I have to das that i'm quite a pessimist.
I do not use Facebook, Instagram and co.
But the People that i know that use e.g. Instagram are Always miserable in the inside because they have the Stress to Glitter and Shine.
They have to Show happiness and success.

And they Always scroll and read about all of the other "happy an sucess" Stories and Pictures.
I feel that they are "chasing the Dragon" as a ex heroinaddict like me would say.

A friend of Mine used Instagram and her Friends do it too.

They think (or see) that all People are fulfilled, Happy, sucessfull and beautyful.

They want to be Like them.
They waste hours or days to Post a Story oder one of 1.000 Pictures they make with the perfect light, perfect Spot, perfect People, perfect activitys a Ton of Filters.
When i asked them about that Activitys, they Show me the Happy Pictures and say it wasn't fun at all....

So it seems that the Stories do Not "mirror" the reallity quite Well.

I'm concerned that this phenomena also gibt's the poly articles that read.
I'm aware that a Lot of polys are more reflected them my Friends of the Younger Generation, but there is that concerns that in that articles the people only wrote with Hearts in their eyes and when they are Happy.
When they lay depressed and without any Drive in their beds they don't wrote articles.

But maybe my concernes are wrong.
I have a bit of an autistic mind as some People say ( i'm Not autistic, i was testes) and do not understand humans a lot.

Maybe the polystorys replicate the reallity quite well.

What do you have to say about that?
I want a bit more Insight from People in the Scene and their thoughts about my questions.
I would say that the same ups and downs that happen in monogamy? Happen in polyamory. Only MORE because that's just reality. More people/variables? Means more people/variables.

So to me it's more like...
  • It solves Problems... or creates them.
  • It makes you happier... or not.
  • It makes you more fulfilled... or not.
  • It is easier to raise children... or lots harder.
  • You encounter a lot more positive and good People... or more negative and bad people.
  • It doubles, triples your sex life about 5000%... and you don't want this much or you are poly with partners and and STILL meh sex or no sex or poly with no partners at all.
  • You do not have as much heartache as in conventional relationships.... or you have lots more because you have more partners to do the heartbreaking and certain dynamics to deal with not present in monogamous relationships.

And the list goes on and on...

So whatever the articles, social media, etc posts? I think one could take them with a grain of salt and remember the reality is prob not "all the time happy, shiny people" and not "all the time doom and gloom people." The more realistic guess is probably something in between -- "sometimes happy, sometimes not happy people" and with the regular up and downs of Life that anyone would have.

Hello charlie_jumper,

Love is a practically endless resource.
Time is a limited resource.
Time, attention, energy, and money are limited resources.

If one has multiple partners, one spreads oneself more thin than if one had one partner.
The more partners one has, the thinner one spreads oneself.

Polyamory is not a good fit for everyone.
Some people practice polyamory just because they think they're supposed to.
Some people are very, very unhappy practicing polyamory.

If you spend time familiarizing yourself with this forum (especially the Poly Relationships Corner), you will see a lot of people who are having extreme problems with polyamory. It is one of the main reasons why this forum exists: to help people who are struggling with polyamory. And there is no shortage of that.

Hopefully this answers some of your questions.
Kevin T.
Thanks, that answers a lot of questions.

I lurked around a bit already.

Maybe i'm also a BIG Part of that phenomena :D

When i want to buy a new Bike (silly example) and found a Bike that suits my needs, then i would read a Lot of Reviews.
But i only want to read the good stuff.
If i read "do not buy that bike" i would probably buy it and would try to ignore the fact that there are some flaws.
I would buy it because the thoughts of that Bike circles in my head, i only would want to see the good Things.

Thanks a lot
Thanks, that answers a lot of questions.

I lurked around a bit already.

Maybe i'm also a BIG Part of that phenomena :D

When i want to buy a new Bike (silly example) and found a Bike that suits my needs, then i would read a Lot of Reviews.
But i only want to read the good stuff.
If i read "do not buy that bike" i would probably buy it and would try to ignore the fact that there are some flaws.
I would buy it because the thoughts of that Bike circles in my head, i only would want to see the good Things.

Thanks a lot
It's human nature to see what you want to see. You sound like a bit of an optimist. Personally, I think a healthy level of optimism keeps us moving forward.

To continue your analogy, a pessimist would never get around to buying any bike because there's always likely to be some bad reviews amidst many good ones. Any huge retail site has both good and bad product reviews - you just eventually need to make your own decision about what you buy (into), sometimes based in logic, sometimes in a gut feeling.
You sound like a bit of an optimist.
Actually i think i´m more of a pessimist.

But also i war "pink glasses" as you say in German.
That means if you want something to be good, you only want so see the good things.

Maybe there is a pair of my favorite shoes (i only wear 3 different Shoemodels for about 20 years and a lot of researh what shoe fits my foot) in a color that i like, i buy 5 pairs of them, because i do not know when the company will release then in that or a similar color again.
Even if the shoes have some flaws in the vulcanisation process or anything like that.
But i Like to have my favorite Model in my favorite Colors without the worries about waer them out or destroying them to much.
I was always poly at heart, but I lived monogamously for 30 years. I have to say I became more myself when I stopped trying to fit myself into the monogamy box. I felt frustrated often by only being "allowed" to love and have my desires fulfilled by one person. Once I changed my life, I became instantly happier. Have I experienced frustrations on the journey to finding decent, honest and truly poly people, or truly poly-friendly people to partner with? Sure. I am still happier overall than I was in the mono box, because I am not bending myself into pretzels trying to be a good wife to just one man.
Ha, I say "rose tinted glasses" down here in New Zealand.
Thanks for your input.

a friend told me that she has a man in her Therapygroup who is also poly.
She was paired with him in a groupexcercise where people should show their boundarys with long Sticks.
He and her began to play, tease and fight/spare with him - she had fun, she said - at the end of that excercise all people were asked about their feelings and their associations.

The Guy said he associated that "game" with sex, my friend said she didn`t associated it with sex (i do not remeber what her association was, i have to ask her), i on the other hand would had shurely associated that with sex (of course! Sticks, Play, tease, beeing a man, etc.), because i practised Judo and Vovinam.
I loved to fight/spare with girls and women in my groups, it was a big teaser, it aroused me and it had build a big connection between me and the girls and women - i always associated that with sex (i never had any sexual or romantic activities with them).
My friend felt bad afterwards a bit "surprised" and mildly disgusted hy the association of the Guy in that therapy, she said that the atmosphere was a bit "down" for a few days. Until they talked.
He said we need to talk, he feels filthy for that association and that he had "playd" with her, she is such a nice innocent girl...
She told him that she always had a lot sexual encounters with men and women (i don´t know how many, but in that time we had a "monogamy" relationship there were about 15 People in the first 4 years) and that she has the same association in mind if she really looks inside. He told her that he always had affairs with his female coworkers and had a lot of sex with his female customers, he cheates his wife regularly and that she does not know about it.
Both of them got aware of "i want to live a polyamory life".

Now he is texting her, he says that he do not want to talk with other people of the group besides her.
He askes her why she is talking with other Men in the group besides him
He gets nervous when she isn`t answers his messages. (he once wrote her a message - i didn`t knew they were in contact - in the morning and she answered it in the evening, he asked her "whats wrong? why are you answering me? what`s the problem?")
He told her, he do not need the group and that he only needs her for talks.

I have the feeling that he now is obscessed with her and explained that to my friend.
She asked me if she attracts such a behavior, i said "yes of course" (i watched that behavior in the past, not a lot but a few times) :D
She said that he now can`t stand him - they did not share their thought about Poly in the group and he do not want to talk with the group or his wife about that subject.
She said that she will out her as a poly today in the group to stop that "hiding" and maybe that will trigger to stop him to try to occupy her.

Is that a common thing?

Because he seems to think 10 times more about my friend than about his own wife.
My friend said that he also thinks about his own Wife (Divorce, his house, depts, etc.), but she has also the feeling that he thinks about her more that about his actual wife....

So now he is unhappy, my friend feels a bit under pressure by him and the other people of the group feel a bit anxious about him and my friend, they say "don`t be alone with that guy", because he occupys her a lot and is a bit aggressive and bring a negative vive to all of the people of the group and do not want to talk to anyone of the group except for my friend.
Not really your problem -- this whole thing going on with the friend and that guy.

And if I were that friend who now thinks the Guy is behaving creepy? I'd take the other friends' advice telling her not to be alone with that guy. Ask some of them to be present at all times. I'd bring it up to the therapy group leader and/or drop out of that group and seek a different group. Block his number.

Is that a common thing?

Is what a common thing? Could you please be willing to clarify what you meant?
  • Is it common for women having to deal with creepers?
  • Is it common for people to love bomb others?
  • Is it common for people to cheat on their wives/husbands?
  • Something else?
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He is Not really lovebombing her, but He has a peer with her and is overstrained by bis situation.
He doesn't want to get "outed" and has just the connection to my friend, not to the Others, because they have their own stuff they Talk about...

I know that it is Common to deal with Creepers, but i think He is just overstrained with His situation
I Deal with Creepers all the time.
When you are a man and visit a public toillet of a subwaystation there are often men who masturbate. I did encountered severel men who came closer to to me and began to masturbate. It is a Common thing when you stand there more then 30 seconds before the "Flow" comes.....
So i do not feel comfortable in public bathrooms and it just takes longer till i can let it Flow.....