Ari's Blog - Beginning

Ariakas

Bosun
Ok, since all the cool kids are doing it I will too...:p

I am starting this blog because of something I said in the thread how awesome ygirl is ;). I mentioned how the more experienced members (not necessarily in poly btw) don't post the bad times with the good.

So I am going to tell a bit of my story and some of my struggles and then continue to update it as I go along on my journey.

Us
I am a fiscal conservative beer drinking ex-jock who likes the emotional side of life. I live life and enjoy everything around me.

Pengrah (who will likely never post here) is an ex marxist, activist, hippy music loving and bubbly...

We started our non-monogamy journey 10 years ago. I had picked her up in a bar and we decided to leave everything we did half open. Inviting women to bed with us. While we never had sex seperately we did have very open and social lives. A lot of the initial challenges most have we never encountered. I was free to go out with women, flirt and enjoy myself. If I was going to sleep with anyone, they had to sleep with both of us.

Fast forward 9 years, we get married. We have had a number of good times, most not ending in sex, but lots of sexual activity. We end up married and still playing. A new girl starts where I work and we instantly hit it off, there is an energy that is undeniable. Due to her shifts, we rarely see each other and don't hang out. I have my "harem" as they called themselves. A group of 7 to 8 girls who were my friends and we would go out and...well some might call it date, but really we were social. I still have these friends and still go out with them and still flirt with them. We dumped the harem title a year ago when the new girl entered my life. The joke about them being my wives didn’t seem as funny when I started falling for someone in real life
 
Last edited:

Ariakas

Bosun
Poly/Swinging/Love

This new girl at work was amazing to meet. Incredibly forward, ready to take steps. We “dated” for a short time, partying together, flirting making out. We were ripping this town apart. There was a sexual chemistry unlike anything I had felt. You see, while I have had threesomes, this was different. Pengrah wanted her, I wanted her and she, at that point, wanted both of us. Pure sexual energy. Our friends could not be around us because of the energy. It was a constant state of horny. At this point it was just fucking a friend…

Roll ahead a few months. We celebrated our anniversary (wedding) with her in our bed. Pengrah was falling for her, hard. Imaging a life with her, moving in with us and starting a family. My brain hurt, I was devastated. Not because I didn’t like the idea, but because I had a “what the fuck” moment. Is that possible. Can you do that? I didn’t mind Pengrah falling in love, I just couldn’t grasp the concept of poly. Fucking other women is easy, loving more than one was a mind fuck.

A few weeks after Pengrah brought up falling for her and building a family, I started to fall for her. Or maybe the idea of her, but I don’t think so. I didn’t know what it was or what it did. But jealousy raged inside of me. I felt 14 again, I had lost the tools I learned in dealing with my inner demons and they became released. The jealousy stemmed directly from knowing that Pengrah or I would never be in her life full time. We were being used like sex toys, the same way we wanted to use her. However with feelings involved I knew it was a losing battle. I wanted all the time I could with her sexually and hated knowing she was with other men.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Hard Lessons - Turning point

E is an amazing women, patient and understanding. Her view of sex vs friendship vs love is very mature. She waited patiently while I wallowed. We had many loving times, cuddling etc, which made it harder, not easier for me. I tried to turtle and walk away. That destroyed me more than having her there being my friend. I tried this monthly…I failed every time

March 13th hits. 2 weeks prior we had celebrated my birthday and I was destroyed. E was partying with us, flirting and it was close to a threesome again. It felt like it was moving in the right direction again. That first 5 hours was bliss….then she picked a guy up at the bar and went home with him. My heart shattered, I had never felt such pain. I had gotten to the point where I could look at her, and not turtle away, but I was destroyed. I don’t remember the last time I had given so much of my heart to someone and not had one ounce given back to me.

So back to march 13th. I sat down and talked to her. Honestly. No more hiding or turtling. I told her how I felt, how hurt I was, how I owned that hurt because it can’t be her responsibility to love me. I was sitting in this bar, relieving my stress and pressure onto her, and she took it. We held each other and she comforted me. Knowing she will never love me but now knowing I have loved someone who can’t love me back. A hard lesson in both communication and in how unfair love can be.

Back to Pengrah, my wallowing almost destroyed her. She was owning all of my feelings on her sleeve. Taking my anger, resentment and jealousy to herself. We had several big talks about me owning my emotions. Yes I needed support, but I didn’t need someone to come down to my level. I didn’t need her feeding my emotional upheaval. The conversation was huge and likely a turning point for us. And much needed in our continuation down the path of poly
 

Ariakas

Bosun
More Lessons

While I was still dealing with my love for E I was in a much better place. I was dealing and not reacting. My emotional destruction from December 15 2009 until March 12 2010 was over. My world was no longer caving in around me,. I had made some connections on the poly forums, and was keeping in touch with new friends. Such a great support group during the tough times. I could name names here, but you know who you are, you reached out in my toughest times...*tips hat.

My old friends had mostly abandoned me and while we still talked we have never gotten back to that closeness we had before. This led me to re-examine my feelings for friends. And proved once again my stance on calling people friends. I have always been a hardass with friendship and calling people friends. It implies a closeness to me that I don’t give out easily.

At this point I started to question my ability to be poly. Was I, could I be…no one’s poly made sense to me. Polyforums, poly was so focused on just the loving side, that I felt like my desire for lustful sex was outcast. My desire to date and play, without thinking of loving immediately was strong. For me poly is like being single, I sure didn’t love everyone I dated, and I don’t intend to start. I was in an open relationship and I was capable of loving more than one. The two overlapped and were connected but my desire to date and have fun was not a required pre-requisite for my poly. There was a distinct disconnect and a time when I was close to leaving the site because of it. Did I even want to. Further to that, after E my sexual confidence was destroyed. I had never been with a woman who couldn’t orgasm and that was more devastating to me than I thought. Had my sexual prowess, which I do identify with strongly, gone the way of the dodo. Was I getting too old to be THAT guy anymore. Part of my identity had been broken and I had to figure it out in me. And yes, the age question came in. Turning 35 hit me pretty hard at the time,

I also struggled with the idea of love. Could I love again, I was capable of friendship. Platonic love, but would I feel that urge, would anyone I meet feel that urge. Would I meet anyone where it was undeniable desire, lust and love. Was I “stuck” for the rest of my life.

These were my thoughts moving forward. Two things I identify with really well in the past felt lost to me. My identity, or part of it, was lost.

In early April I started to grow a bond started to grow with a friend online. I was helping her through a lot of challenges and in my helping her, she helped me more than she knows. Just talking and assisting was healing me. We kind of helped each other and in many ways have grown close. Unbeknownst to her, her situation helped form my view of poly and what I wanted out of it. She helped me in a lot of ways without even knowing it. This connection continues growing to this day. Thanks MG for being there :)
 
Last edited:

Ariakas

Bosun
Moving Forward

In May, I made a new connection. It felt, right. The same way I met Pengrah. It started with a debate that I tried to concede. But she would not take my giving her the point forcing me to argue more. We got sick of the poly forum pm’s and started emailing, I found she becoming a part of my day. This online LD friendship was budding. I have a lot of experience with friends online but this had potential and was taking shape. We could talk about any and every topic. We had opinions, shared or adversely it didn’t matter. We covered a range of topics from horses, to computers, to bdsm to abuse to music. We had no lack of topics to discuss. It has proceeded to texting, then msn, then skype and now we have weekly dates. There were logical dissections of how this progressed.

To be clear, I didn’t start this walking in with romance on the brain. I was actually in the middle of second guessing my poly (read above). You see I still wanted threesomes, still wanted Pengrah to explore her bi-sexuality in more detail. We had discussed changing the rules which went exceedingly well. I hadn’t considered this moving into relationship territory

But it has. We are getting closer daily, I am crushing on her badly and it is mutual. The feelings are intense, albeit delayed a bit due to a lack of physical connection. We are both stubborn in our personal belief that you can’t foster love through a LD relationship without the physical side. It’s a completion of the zipper of a relationship. My head swims thinking of her, my heart jumps and yes, as a very sexual person, I am lusting like a fiend. The opportunity, the dreams are all there. I will post about this separately, but my expectations are sometimes my worst enemy. I am very logical and can sometimes think too far ahead. I need to keep that in check.

I am excited, happy and thoughtful about my future with Superjast and our future with her and her family being included in our lives. My original thoughts, threesomes only etc, have been turned upside down and flipped. I am not longer limited in my ability to be poly by limitations of insecurity. That’s amazingly freeing. My future is bright and I am back on a path where I enjoy the potential.

We are at the point now of trying to figure out what emotion sits between crush and love. :) ;)
 
Last edited:

Ariakas

Bosun
Pengrah and her awesomeness

I don’t credit Pengrah enough above, I also don’t want to put words in her mouth. In the beginning she was supportive and understanding. I was reading everything on poly. I joined 4 sites trying to find my identity within my sexuality. BDSM, swinging, poly etc. I needed to know what would fill that gap. Pengrah simply sat there and put up with my shit. Our love grew stronger, sexually things were better and she knew I had to process. There were and are always hiccups but this was the way Pengrah was. Like a Dalai Lama chilling out and waiting for me to discover myself Pengrahs. I was so frustrated by her lack of interest in intellectualizing poly and my sexuality. This was my biggest lesson about Pengrah

Her and I learn differently. She sat there, listened, offered her opinion and watched me. Months…we ordered books, I devoured them and wanted her to read them. She didn’t. She didn’t go online. She didn’t connect with anyone….

Every month she would say something that had me shaking my head. She was progressing in her own head. To herself. Learning on her own considering and intellectualizing everything going on. She made HUGE progress. He way of learning is not my way of learning. Once I knew that we relaxed into a pattern of personal growth.

I am the luckiest man I know. Fantastic wife, wonderful gf and a life that I didn’t think possible. But it is all due to Pengrah’s ability to just be her. I treasure her and am happy/proud to call her my wife.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Moral of the storey - I like gi-joe - sue me.

Some key lessons in my life have occurred because of this, here is the synopsis

1 – communication is beyond important. Even if you have to repeat yourself
2 – Love is not always reciprocal
3 – Live without expectation – hopes and dreams are something different
4 – don’t hide
5 – jealousy does not stem your environment, it stems from your comfort with that environment, at least in my case. I didn’t know I could be jealous until I was insecure about my environment with E

I know my journey in many ways is different than others, we didn’t come into this locked into fidelity. We never really believed that was possible. That helped a lot of the initial hiccups. But we had our own challenges, as an individual this has been harder on me than on her.

Some of you will know some or all of this. A few of you watched my wallowing in the beginning, thanks to all of you who helped me through it and get to this point :)...I owe ya some beers :D
 

Morningglory629

New member
Some key lessons in my life have occurred because of this, here is the synopsis

1 – communication is beyond important. Even if you have to repeat yourself
2 – Love is not always reciprocal
3 – Live without expectation – hopes and dreams are something different
4 – don’t hide5 – jealousy does not stem your environment, it stems from your comfort with that environment, at least in my case. I didn’t know I could be jealous until I was insecure about my environment with E

I know my journey in many ways is different than others, we didn’t come into this locked into fidelity. We never really believed that was possible. That helped a lot of the initial hiccups. But we had our own challenges, as an individual this has been harder on me than on her.

Some of you will know some or all of this. A few of you watched my wallowing in the beginning, thanks to all of you who helped me through it and get to this point :)...I owe ya some beers :D

:cool:Wow! You know for someone who thought they knew ya....there was alot I didn't. Your journey has been a special interest of mine because you are my friend, one of my dearest. I thank God every day that 2Rings and KT talked me into signing-on here. As my wonderful father in law used to whisper to me on our snooker dates: "You are a treasure and a pleasure to behold," and I cannot imagine being on this self-discovery without you. Honestly, you have been a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on and slap in the head when I needed it. Thank you love. BTW Post #4 is my favorite;)!

That aside, figuring out what OUR poly is(respectively) has been the fun of our friendship. The bolded bullet points above have impacted me in this reading. As always, you helped me through a rough spot today without knowing it (happened after we talked) and I decided to read your blog which I missed yesterday because I was engrossed in reading Redpepper's. So today, after we had our breakfast chat,2Rings and I had a heartwrenching exchange about expectations/hopes/dreams/plans and of course the ever present jealousy issues. The conversation didn't end well, although I have my hopes that it at least will be an eventual positive impact talk; and just when I thought I was going to burst into tears, I logged on and read this. You are right ya big, fuzzy Canuck- live without expectation, communicate, live out loud and not in hiding, get a hold of your insecurity and don't operate from fear! {{{hugs}}}

PS- I will take a pint of Guinness
 
Last edited:

redpepper

New member
Her and I learn differently. She sat there, listened, offered her opinion and watched me. Months…we ordered books, I devoured them and wanted her to read them. She didn’t. She didn’t go online. She didn’t connect with anyone….

Every month she would say something that had me shaking my head. She was progressing in her own head. To herself. Learning on her own considering and intellectualizing everything going on. She made HUGE progress. He way of learning is not my way of learning. Once I knew that we relaxed into a pattern of personal growth.

thanks for this. It has been helpful in creating patience within me about my own dear PN... he also has not engaged in my journey through some of the stuff that has gone on on this forum... but I also haven't engaged in what has gone on for him. We are both to blame and both to start a new appreciation for each other... thanks. :)

I hadn't realized the journey you have been on in regards to this forum. WOW! I have had no part in it really, other than to invite you camping when LR, Maca and GG were coming. Now they aren't, but you are and we will have lots to talk about. Our friends that are camping with us will be bored out of their tree! I better warn them that we have a lot to talk about, just in case they want to wait a night before coming out. We can get it all out and then just relax :D
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Our friends that are camping with us will be bored out of their tree! I better warn them that we have a lot to talk about, just in case they want to wait a night before coming out. We can get it all out and then just relax :D

I'll entertain the monos LOL!! I'll play the "ball watcher" game all night while you guys poly your brains out....not that kind of "poly your brains out" either;)
 

redpepper

New member
I'll entertain the monos LOL!! I'll play the "ball watcher" game all night while you guys poly your brains out....not that kind of "poly your brains out" either;)

No, you are here too, it's like work functions, one has to get the work stuff out before moving on.... it'll be fine. NP said he would make himself scarce with our mono friends :D if it gets out of hand.

k, getting off of ari's thread now.
 

marksbabygirl

New member
Some key lessons in my life have occurred because of this, here is the synopsis

1 – communication is beyond important. Even if you have to repeat yourself
2 – Love is not always reciprocal
3 – Live without expectation – hopes and dreams are something different
4 – don’t hide
5 – jealousy does not stem your environment, it stems from your comfort with that environment, at least in my case. I didn’t know I could be jealous until I was insecure about my environment with E

Thanks for this. Very helpful for me right now.

It was very interesting to read your journey so far. :)
 

Ariakas

Bosun
We sure have enjoyed 'this' thus far. :)

Think my favourite post is #6. She rocks.

Thanks, she does rock, I can't wait for her to meet you (not to mention me)

Thanks guys for feedback, glad I posted this :)...I am working on something on how I handle expectations vs hopes/dreams. And how I need to be aware of how they work in my life. Its a control issue for me that takes some serious effort :)
 

Ariakas

Bosun
I`ve got big X`s crossing out the days on the calender,..not much longer now ! :D

Poly lesson #1 I learned was google calendars...

ummmm does that mean since I am not using them, this won't work ;)..:p...

fu said:
You two are adorable.:)

well thats a first...adorable is not a describer used to describe me very often :)

__________________

So my thoughts on expectations are always evolving. I am very logical in how I work through life. So when I start to see something positive and evolving I instinctually start thinking ahead.

The real danger, for me, is that I can create scenario's that transfer from a hope or a dream to an expectation. This can become emotionally damaging because if it doesn't happen exactly how I predicted I begin to second guess my abilities....now, this in and of itself is not dangerous, however this makes me question the foundation of what I am building.

Imagine playing jenga, and building a foundation that is strong and continuing to add to it. I am playing 4 or 5 moves ahead based on my expectation of what my opponent will do. In a game this is expected but in life it become dangerous. If my opponent makes move I don't expect, then I HAVE to second guess what I did before, analyze and figure out where I went wrong.

There may not be a wrong in relationships. So by immediately being wrong, the relationship and foundation in my head has been weakened.

In jenga, you get to play again.

To use a real world example that has long expired. I began to develop real and very strong expectations of what would happen with E. I saw her living with us, having a family. Her supporting us as we would her. Everything looked perfect. The problem is, I had moved to far ahead of the reality of the situation. Pengrah and I were fine with it, but E wasn't.

So now, I have internal battles with my expectations. I still have hopes and dreams moving forward with the things going on in my life now. But I battle daily to remember, not to expect them. Its tough when you can see something clearly...but you have to try and remember potential roadblocks :)

Ari
 

Jade

New member
Back to Pengrah, my wallowing almost destroyed her. She was owning all of my feelings on her sleeve. Taking my anger, resentment and jealousy to herself... Yes I needed support, but I didn’t need someone to come down to my level. I didn’t need her feeding my emotional upheaval...
II

Wow. Does this resonate... Hubby was my sounding board and my voice of reason during extreme lows, and while it served to help keep me in the quad, it put a huge stress on the primary relationship. I wish I had just had better self-control in the beginning.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Getting excited for the camping trip this weekend. My initial reasons for going to this trip were a mixture of interest and friendship. I was at a stage when I first thought of going, where I was walking away from poly thinking I had found the most unique situation I could find and would never find anything better, or even anything beyond what I had.

Things couldn't be further from the truth, I remained open to...possibility. As a kinky guy...as a sexual person and a loving person I left myself open to the possibility of anything. My mind has been blown and my idea of what I wanted is out the window.

So now I walk into this camping trip with Pengrah crushing on another man and myself finding myself enthralled and...so much more, with Superjast. i come into this more poly than I thought I could be, if poly can be measured and at the same time more curious than ever. I want to know people who accept what is happening in my life with .. well acceptance.

I have people accepting it as a a "well its your life, you are happy, I don't do it myself but enjoy" to people jealous because I get to bang two chicks (sarc here...its usually just the first thought) to people playing ignorant and just plain ignoring me about it.

Its going to be good to sit around with people I can openly talk with and just be me in regards to poly. :)...I welcome that...
 
Last edited:
Top